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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

We don't want the same thing *trigger warning*

104 replies

MooseBreath · 27/02/2022 20:39

DH and I currently have one DS, 21 months. I would love to have another child, but DH had horrendous depression (suicidal) after DS was born because of the change in situation. While DH's mental health is more under control now with a lot of medication, he does not want another child for this reason. I have been on the pill since DS was 3 months old. Thing is... I'm pregnant despite having dutifully taken the pill.

DH wants me to have an abortion. He thinks another child will push him over the edge. And I completely see where he is coming from. It was terrifying seeing DH as he was and I don't want him to have to go through that again.

But I don't want an abortion. I want this baby. What do I do?

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 27/02/2022 22:26

PPs have raised the obvious question about why he didn't get a vasectomy?!

In a way, this is a complicated situation and a difficult dilemma. But in another way, it's very simple indeed. You are pregnant and you don't want an abortion. So you don't get an abortion.

Whatever happens with his mental health will not be your fault. Hopefully with the right medication and psychiatric help, he will get through it. But if he doesn't, that's not your help. And it sounds as if he will always struggle with his mental health; what if you get an abortion, which you always regret, and then he has a mental health crisis for another reason, or you end up divorcing?

Viviennemary · 27/02/2022 22:27

It is hard being a parent. I think you both should have given more thought to preventing pregnancy considering what a devastating effect a child had on your lives. In your position I would leave and do the best I could. If you have an abortion you really don't want this could affect your own mental health for years to come.

AnotherEmma · 27/02/2022 22:29

"I think you both should have given more thought to preventing pregnancy considering what a devastating effect a child had on your lives."

OP was on the pill - what more would you expect her to have done?

Her DH, OTOH, the one who didn't want another child, didn't get the snip or use condoms.

But you think they both should have given more thought to contraception Hmm

MichelleScarn · 27/02/2022 22:31

@AnotherEmma

PPs have raised the obvious question about why he didn't get a vasectomy?!

In a way, this is a complicated situation and a difficult dilemma. But in another way, it's very simple indeed. You are pregnant and you don't want an abortion. So you don't get an abortion.

Whatever happens with his mental health will not be your fault. Hopefully with the right medication and psychiatric help, he will get through it. But if he doesn't, that's not your help. And it sounds as if he will always struggle with his mental health; what if you get an abortion, which you always regret, and then he has a mental health crisis for another reason, or you end up divorcing?

emma makes huge sense here, you're not going to know if this or something else could trigger another crisis for him, you can't take on this level of demand/responsibility for someone else.
TopCatsTopHat · 27/02/2022 22:33

The trouble is the baby already exists. Recreational sex comes with this risk so if he didn't want that he should have prevented it. Now the horse has bolted you can't shut the stable door so the situation is sadly a choice of least worst damage.
On one side of the scales is the mental health of dh, the family unit as is and his coping threshold.
On the other is the mental health damage (long term or temporary) to op and dh that an abortion will cause, the existing child and its future sibling or not, the unborn child and its life or not.
So hard to weigh all that up as many of the consequences to either decision will only be known with hindsight. Maybe the second child would make the family and dh will come through with support, maybe he won't. Maybe an abortion would give a lifetime of regret to one of the parents but not the other and become a wedge between them, or not...
Really difficult decision. I think counselling seperately and joint will be the only way you come to a decision that you can reconcile to.

MichelleScarn · 27/02/2022 22:33

@AnotherEmma

"I think you both should have given more thought to preventing pregnancy considering what a devastating effect a child had on your lives."

OP was on the pill - what more would you expect her to have done?

Her DH, OTOH, the one who didn't want another child, didn't get the snip or use condoms.

But you think they both should have given more thought to contraception Hmm

Oh of course, remember anything that happens is on the op, if she doesn't abort and they split, she'll be the one 'cutting her dh out of the child's life' according to some if I've inferred correctly!
Cakelover17 · 27/02/2022 22:34

Her DH, OTOH, the one who didn't want another child, didn't get the snip or use condoms.

The pill is more reliable than condoms, so maybe it’s a decision they made together to use the pill and not condoms, not sure why you’ve decided the male is irresponsible here, it’s not like the OP didn’t no she was having sex with a fertile male. They were both involved and it’s not one persons fault more than the other (unless OP did forget a pill).

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 22:36

Why hasn't he had a vasectomy then, @MooseBreath ? Instead of forcing you to take hormone tablets. If it's his depression causing the issues and means he doesn't want another, the solution is his to take, and it is very simple; get a vasectomy!

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 22:37

@TopCatsTopHat

The trouble is the baby already exists. Recreational sex comes with this risk so if he didn't want that he should have prevented it. Now the horse has bolted you can't shut the stable door so the situation is sadly a choice of least worst damage. On one side of the scales is the mental health of dh, the family unit as is and his coping threshold. On the other is the mental health damage (long term or temporary) to op and dh that an abortion will cause, the existing child and its future sibling or not, the unborn child and its life or not. So hard to weigh all that up as many of the consequences to either decision will only be known with hindsight. Maybe the second child would make the family and dh will come through with support, maybe he won't. Maybe an abortion would give a lifetime of regret to one of the parents but not the other and become a wedge between them, or not... Really difficult decision. I think counselling seperately and joint will be the only way you come to a decision that you can reconcile to.
@TopCatsTopHat No the baby does not exist yet.
Cakelover17 · 27/02/2022 22:37

@Migrainesbythedozen were did the OP say she was being forced to take hormone tablets?!

DoorWasAJar · 27/02/2022 22:37

@HollowTalk

Why on earth didn't he get a vasectomy?
This. Termination can be very traumatic even if the woman chooses it willingly, never mind under duress. Can you contact the local MH crisis team and ask them for help and advice? This sounds very much like an abusive situation for you, OP.
Cakelover17 · 27/02/2022 22:38

Also @Migrainesbythedozen the baby DOES exist, the OP is pregnant and wants to keep her baby, did you read the same OP as the rest of us?

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 22:39

@AnotherEmma

"I think you both should have given more thought to preventing pregnancy considering what a devastating effect a child had on your lives."

OP was on the pill - what more would you expect her to have done?

Her DH, OTOH, the one who didn't want another child, didn't get the snip or use condoms.

But you think they both should have given more thought to contraception Hmm

Yes, the husband should have given more thought to contraception, been responsible, and got the snip, since he is the one who doesn't want any more.
PurplePansy05 · 27/02/2022 22:41

Use of condoms is a valid point. He should've used them. But this doesn't help OP as she's already pregnant. If anything, this is a lesson for the future.

I think some posters don't understand what a MH crisis is. And that bringing a newborn baby into the mix with a young child at home already can be a very explosive mix which can go horribly wrong for all involved. I think vilifying a person who has recently gone through a severe MH crisis and is still ill is awful. It's very likely the case that he feels incapable, has no belief in being able to parent two children anytime soon and he's catastrophising. These feelings are real to him. So the sooner he gets the right help (which isn't easy), the better for all of you whether you stay together or separate.

And regarding one of my earlier posts, please understand the comments regarding you cutting him off were focused not only on his perspective but on how it'd affect you and your DCs, no one will say that this would be easy to deal with. I hope you find a way and wish you all the best with your pregnancy Flowers

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 22:41

@Cakelover17

Also *@Migrainesbythedozen* the baby DOES exist, the OP is pregnant and wants to keep her baby, did you read the same OP as the rest of us?
@Cakelover17 A baby is a born human being. Please do not demonise abortion by humanising a fetus, it does nothing for women's rights. I know she wants the baby, and that's good. But a fetus is NOT A BABY. Coming from a pro-choice position.
DoorWasAJar · 27/02/2022 22:41

I can’t help but think that if he was this terrified, he would’ve had the snip or used condoms on top of your pill. The pill is not 100%, surely he knows this?

I have Tokophobia and even though I want a baby I can’t even have sex, I’ve also got hypertonic pelvic floor muscles so it’s painful. I don’t know how he could have sex just relying on the pill Hmm

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 22:42

[quote Cakelover17]@Migrainesbythedozen were did the OP say she was being forced to take hormone tablets?![/quote]
@Cakelover17 She said she was on the pill. What do you think the pill is, if not hormones and chemicals? The point is she was on the pill because her husband was too irresponsible to get the snip.

MichelleScarn · 27/02/2022 22:45

@Cakelover17

Also *@Migrainesbythedozen* the baby DOES exist, the OP is pregnant and wants to keep her baby, did you read the same OP as the rest of us?
Absolutely @Cakelover17 *@Migrainesbythedozen* your ' a 'fetus' is not a baby' is your belief, your opinion, for me as soon as I knew I was pregnant, that was my baby. Remember pro choice does mean that there is a choice, it's not just pro abortion.
Ourlady · 27/02/2022 22:46

You also need to consider what it will do to your own mental health if you abort your baby. How will you cope with that?

Cakelover17 · 27/02/2022 22:47

@Migrainesbythedozen I no the hormone is the pill, you are being deliberately obtuse, I was obviously referring to you saying she was being forced.

And it’s not demonising abortion at all, but your view is wrong, there’s a reason there’s a cut off time for aborting healthy babies. Abortion is totally a woman’s choice and there’s nothing wrong with it, but the baby is still a living thing. This isn’t a point we will agree on so I won’t be responding to it again, no point further detailing the OPs thread.

TopCatsTopHat · 27/02/2022 22:49

Migrainesbythedozen it's late let's not get pedantic. In the context of my post I clearly mean 'the baby is on the way' 'op is already pregnant' 'the conversation is not shall we fertilise an egg so much as what shall we do with the creation that has already happened'... Or whatever phrase would be technically accurate and gel with the gist of the point.

Brett239 · 27/02/2022 22:49

Priority #1 is to protect your new baby. This is not a good environment to raise your family in and you know that, I would say leave him.

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 22:49

[quote Cakelover17]@Migrainesbythedozen I no the hormone is the pill, you are being deliberately obtuse, I was obviously referring to you saying she was being forced.

And it’s not demonising abortion at all, but your view is wrong, there’s a reason there’s a cut off time for aborting healthy babies. Abortion is totally a woman’s choice and there’s nothing wrong with it, but the baby is still a living thing. This isn’t a point we will agree on so I won’t be responding to it again, no point further detailing the OPs thread.[/quote]
@Cakelover17 I no the hormone is the pill, you are being deliberately obtuse
There is no need to be so rude and nasty, I genuinely thought you were referring to the pill. I also added that she had to take the pill because of her husband not having the snip, hence the 'forced' bit.

PurplePansy05 · 27/02/2022 22:52

Ffs, what next, shall we rename Baby Loss Awareness Week to Foetus Loss Awareness Week to please some of you?

I am pro choice too but also a mother to my son and three babies that I lost before him in pregnancy. Yes, unborn babies. Respect other people's choice of term, not just your own POV.

I'm out, the nasty part of MN is out in force tonight.

Cakelover17 · 27/02/2022 22:54

@Migrainesbythedozen you accused me of demonising abortion, pretty rude! The OP was on the pill because her and husband weren’t ready for another baby, nothing to suggest she was forced. And as she clearly wants more children she probably didn’t want him to get the snip just her either.

Do you actually have any advice for the OPs situation or are you just here to hate on OPs ill husband and let everyone on the pregnancy board no that their babies aren't babies?