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Original poster

Friend won't see me because of my son

76 replies

Louisedaily123 · 31/01/2022 20:45

Hi,

I have no idea if I'm posting this in the right place but I really need some help.

I have a very close friend who's family member suffered a loss about 18 months ago. They've refused to see me throughout my entire pregnancy and whilst my son has been born (he's 7 months) I offered to see her without my son but that wasn't allowed either.

She would text but never about my pregnancy/son and I've tried to be as kind and supportive as possible by never saying a word about him and now it's escalated to not wanting to talk at all really.

Can anyone help me in what to do? I'm absolutely heartbroken. I have a lot of sympathy and I wasn't expecting to cause so much pain to people through having children. It's such new territory and I feel like I'm getting everything wrong and it's leading to me having huge emotions and I'm struggling a lot with it. Has anyone experienced this and know of any therapies/books/podcasts etc that might help overcome this feeling of guilt?

Thanks x

OP posts:
Serenschintte · 31/01/2022 20:49

You have nothing to feel sorry for. Your friend isn’t being a friend to you. Maybe look at moving in from this friendship.
You haven’t caused any pain- you have had a baby. That’s a joyful event. We are not responsible for others emotions in situations where we don’t deliberately try to hurt people

Fearnyleaves · 31/01/2022 20:49

Honestly I'd cut your friend off. She's being ridiculous and entirely unreasonable to take it out on you and make you feel like you're in the wrong. You have done NOTHING wrong. Do not feel any guilt for having your baby and growing your family.
Congratulations on the birth of your son! Enjoy your lovely baby OP!

Dillydollydingdong · 31/01/2022 20:52

You can't feel guilty just because you're lucky enough to have a baby? Anyway, it doesn't sound as though it was your friend herself who suffered the loss. Did she send you a congratulations card or anything when your baby was born? It doesn't look as though the friendship can last. You can't carry on the rest of your life avoiding her because you've got a child!

ReadySteadyTwins · 31/01/2022 20:54

Does she not speak to anyone else who's a parent? Or just you...

Original poster
Louisedaily123 · 31/01/2022 20:56

Older children are ok apparently. Seems to just be pregnancy/babies.

OP posts:
Tillymintpolo · 31/01/2022 20:58

She’s being ridiculous

LetsGoParty · 31/01/2022 20:58

This is one of those things I didn't realise was a thing before I joined Mumsnet. There are loads of threads where women who have experienced a miscarriage won't see anyone who is pregnant or have small children. Even women who have had really early pregnancies do it.

I don't get it myself. I know it must be really difficult but it's difficult to think hiding yourself away is helpful either. It's difficult. (I've had a late'ish miscarriage myself)

I'd cut her off because it's always going to be awkward.

Puffflashpuffflashbang · 31/01/2022 21:10

Was it her baby? Or a family members baby? If it's the latter that seems even more odd?

drpet49 · 31/01/2022 21:25

** Honestly I'd cut your friend off. She's being ridiculous and entirely unreasonable to take it out on you and make you feel like you're in the wrong. You have done NOTHING wrong. Do not feel any guilt for having your baby and growing your family.
Congratulations on the birth of your son! Enjoy your lovely baby OP!**

^This

October2020 · 31/01/2022 21:26

She is entitled to manage her grief however she chooses.
You're also entitled to cut her off if that doesn't work for you.

tootyfruitypickle · 31/01/2022 21:27

I had a miscarriage and my friend had a baby a month later. It was very hard to see her but I did it. I'd just leave it for now and let her see you when she's ready.

FrugalFrancine · 31/01/2022 21:30

@Puffflashpuffflashbang

Was it her baby? Or a family members baby? If it's the latter that seems even more odd?
Yes, I wanted to ask this too. From the op it looks as if the friend's family member suffered a loss, not the friend? Is the friend refusing to see you or is the friend's family member refusing to see you?
NorthSouthcatlady · 31/01/2022 21:31

Surely this is her attempting drama by proxy?! It wasn’t her child by the sounds of it

Suzi9989 · 31/01/2022 21:33

Cut this friend off, they need to be there for you too

spotcheck · 31/01/2022 21:35

I'm confused too.

Who had the loss? What was the loss?

ApolloandDaphne · 31/01/2022 21:36

How odd if your friend isn't the one who actually suffered the loss herself.

FetchezLaVache · 31/01/2022 21:37

I am so sorry this 'friend' is trying her hardest to take the shine off this lovely time with your adorable new baby. She is being absolutely batshit crazy if, as I gather, it wasn't even she who suffered the loss, but a relation of hers! Does she perchance have form for making everything about herself?

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2022 21:37

Congratulations on your baby Smile

It’s okay to be happy about something wonderful happening in your life. No one who cares about you should try and take that away from you.

Your feelings of guilt are entirely undeserved and only hurting you!

It wasn’t even her baby? What do you mean by loss, a miscarriage?

The friendship is over. She’s behaved appallingly and you need to free yourself of the negative hold she’s got over you.

Aboutcoffee · 31/01/2022 21:39

Honestly! You are doing nothing wrong. Enjoy your baby and ditch the friend. 7 months and you can't mention your baby? That insane.
Grief is hard but life and happiness goes on.

SquirrelG · 31/01/2022 21:51

You've done nothing wrong. I would try to move on from this "friend", she doesn't seem to know the meaning of the word.
Life is too short to waste time on someone so ridiculous.

Original poster
Louisedaily123 · 31/01/2022 21:52

It was a close family member who had a miscarriage. I have a tonne of sympathy, it's a horrible thing to go through. I'm just not handling the loss of my friendship over it because of the choices I've made, so was wondering if there was any support out there for it.

OP posts:
Youngstreet · 31/01/2022 21:56

Your friend is not seeing you or your baby as some sort of solidarity with her family member who has had a loss?
That's bizarre.

Youngstreet · 31/01/2022 21:57

I get that the person who lost a dc would find it difficult.

foxgoosefinch · 31/01/2022 21:58

I had a close friend do this - we were pregnant at the same time and she sadly suffered a stillbirth. I completely understood that it was horrifically hard for her - it’s an unimaginable loss.

She didn’t want to see me at all (which was fair enough, but it included on one occasion her running out of a shop at high speed without speaking when we accidentally bumped into one another and screaming at me in public to go away on another occasion we happened to bump into one another - small town).

I had not pushed to see her at all and I fully understood that it was no-one’s fault that I reminded her of her loss; but despite understanding that it was incredibly hard for her, I found that the friendship couldn’t continue. She obviously did not want to see me any more, and I found it difficult to see her after the running away/screaming incidents. A huge shame but just unavoidable because of the circumstances unfortunately.

DistrictCommissioner · 31/01/2022 21:59

That is totally bonkers. Totally! I flicked through the thread & then had to go back to re-read & make sure it wasn’t even her who lost the pregnancy as that is the only way it might make a tiny bit of sense. But it makes no sense at all.