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Original poster

Friend won't see me because of my son

76 replies

Louisedaily123 · 31/01/2022 20:45

Hi,

I have no idea if I'm posting this in the right place but I really need some help.

I have a very close friend who's family member suffered a loss about 18 months ago. They've refused to see me throughout my entire pregnancy and whilst my son has been born (he's 7 months) I offered to see her without my son but that wasn't allowed either.

She would text but never about my pregnancy/son and I've tried to be as kind and supportive as possible by never saying a word about him and now it's escalated to not wanting to talk at all really.

Can anyone help me in what to do? I'm absolutely heartbroken. I have a lot of sympathy and I wasn't expecting to cause so much pain to people through having children. It's such new territory and I feel like I'm getting everything wrong and it's leading to me having huge emotions and I'm struggling a lot with it. Has anyone experienced this and know of any therapies/books/podcasts etc that might help overcome this feeling of guilt?

Thanks x

OP posts:
foxgoosefinch · 31/01/2022 22:01

Meant to add, that I would understand if if it had been your friend’s loss, but her family member’s? That’s v weird and smacks of indulging in drama that isn’t her own.

Justilou1 · 31/01/2022 22:06

Your friend is being a grief vampire. She needs to accept that the baby she lost was not hers and let the mother grieve the loss herself. She needs to allow you to feel the joy of your own child. I would assume this friend has always had a recurring stream of other “issues” (constant dramas) in her life.

iridescentpaint · 31/01/2022 22:07

My friend of 5 years blanked me when I had my 2nd DS. We met when we both had our first babies, she couldn't have any more. After lots of complications we eventually had a successful 2nd pregnancy. She couldn't cope with this and just shut me out. We has been so close for 5 years, doing everything together, then suddenly nothing.

It was very hurtful at the time, especially as my 2nd pregnancy hadn't come easily and she knew everything we'd been through. Eventually though I came to realise that if she was a true friend, no matter how hard it was for her, she would be happy for me. I went on to make some wonderful friends and I now feel that what she did helped me open up my life. However at the time it was horrible.

Your friend is not a true friend, she's stealing your happiness and joy. Enjoy every moment of your little one and don't give any more energy to this person.

AngelinaFibres · 31/01/2022 22:08

@Justilou1

Your friend is being a grief vampire. She needs to accept that the baby she lost was not hers and let the mother grieve the loss herself. She needs to allow you to feel the joy of your own child. I would assume this friend has always had a recurring stream of other “issues” (constant dramas) in her life.
My SIL is like this. Grief thief, grief vampire, drama llama.
AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2022 22:12

I'm just not handling the loss of my friendship over it because of the choices I've made

What choices beyond having a baby?

This is batshit. Women who’ve had mcs themselves don’t behave like this. I am one, I know several people who had babies while we were trying and having a fucking awful time of it. I didn’t stop seeing anyone. None of my family members stopped seeing friends who were pregnant or had babies!

This is about her being unstable or just plain toxic. It’s nothing to do with you at all. Please let go of this and focus on enjoying your baby.

gamerchick · 31/01/2022 22:15

She's an attention seeking dick. Leeching from others heartbreak and making it all about her.

You've done nothing wrong. Fuck her off and get on with your life.

Yika · 31/01/2022 22:24

I would distance yourself and focus on other friends instead. You’ve done nothing to deserve this. Sad to lose friends this way though … been there myself …

Viviennemary · 31/01/2022 22:27

Just step away and make new friends. Its the only answer.

Eviethyme · 31/01/2022 22:31

sorry ..... her family member had a miscarriage .. so not even a child that she had met and because of it .. she cant meet you or your child, sorry but that screams strange, has she got any mental disorders?

Happymum12345 · 31/01/2022 22:33

Grief and trauma are unknowns and vary hugely from person to person.
I’m sorry that for what you are going through at what should be a happy time.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/01/2022 22:35

@Happymum12345

Grief and trauma are unknowns and vary hugely from person to person. I’m sorry that for what you are going through at what should be a happy time.
They do, but it wasn't the OP's friend who had the loss. That's very weird in my view.
dina77 · 31/01/2022 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

lisaandalan · 31/01/2022 22:43

She's absolutely ridiculous and needs therapy, move on and ignore her, she's not a true friend and you are better walking away. X

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 31/01/2022 22:49

I'm sorry... she is blanking you because one of her family members lost a baby and you were fortunate enough to have a healthy pregnancy and baby?

Back away slowly. That's all kind of batshit.

And congratulations on your baby.

AgathaAllAlong · 31/01/2022 22:51

Unless the twist is that the family member is your friends' wife and it's all weirdly worded, that is madness. Is it perhaps your friends' daughter or son? understandable perhaps for the person who has had the miscarriage to need to work through this, but on behalf of a family member, this seems very strange.

LouLou789 · 31/01/2022 22:56

I’m sad that you are being treated like this. My first little boy was born prematurely stillborn and for some years I have worked for a pregnancy loss charity so have some experience in this area. Sadly, you can’t change how this “friend” feels but honestly, you need to be free to feel joyful about your lovely baby and if she cannot cope you need to move on.

whichiswitch · 31/01/2022 22:58

My friend was like this when I had my baby. But and its a big but she had nine miscarriages and numerous rounds of ivf and around the time I became pregnant was making the decision not to go through any further treatment. My heart broke for her and we paused our friendship and luckily have started to pick it back up again a few years later now that she feels ready. However your friends behavior is just bizarre. I think your better off without that sort of nonsense in your life.

TheOccupier · 31/01/2022 23:03

She is not your friend, she's an arsehole. It wasn't even her baby! Do yourself a favour: block and delete.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 31/01/2022 23:05

This whole thing is very strange since it's not even her that had the loss. My SIL and I were pregnant and due days apart (due end of Oct, this was back in 1990). I ended up delivering my dd in Aug and she only lived 8 hours. Of course it was hard when my SIL had her baby in Oct but I could not hold my grief against her and her baby. The thought your friend is doing this to you when its not even her that had a mc is so bizarre. What IS the relationship? Was it her sister? cousin? something else?

heywhatswrongwitu · 31/01/2022 23:08

@Happymum12345

Grief and trauma are unknowns and vary hugely from person to person. I’m sorry that for what you are going through at what should be a happy time.
This is so true - although admittedly not knowing what her relationship is to the family member is confusing. FWIW my baby died a few months ago and I just cannot be around newborns. All credit to those who have lost their babies and can, but not all of us are able to, it is heartbreaking for me and the loss of my baby rather than being something I hold against the mother or their baby.
whynotwhatknot · 31/01/2022 23:11

sorry she sounds batshit-grieving for someone else by banning babies?

its not normal

Enough4me · 31/01/2022 23:33

I feel sorry for those who have suffered loss, and have been in a position of loss (molar pregnancy, ercp, 6months tests, but had DC either side).

OP this is your time to enjoy your baby. Please put this first, you won't get this time back again and who knows what happens in the future?
Live and enjoy now.

Luredbyapomegranate · 31/01/2022 23:36

Treating you like this because their family member had a miscarriage is potty.

Just let her go. Block and move on and focus on enjoying your baby.

StellaGibs · 31/01/2022 23:36

What's made you conclude this is why, and not for some other reason? Because as it goes, this is an odd reason. You also offered to see her without your son, so does the problem lie with this at all? It doesn't sound like it.

Buttermuffin · 31/01/2022 23:37

I would assume theres more to this and she has experienced a loss herself, even if she's not stated it. Termination perhaps?

That aside. I think you need to weigh up whether this is worth it for you.