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Original poster

Friend won't see me because of my son

76 replies

Louisedaily123 · 31/01/2022 20:45

Hi,

I have no idea if I'm posting this in the right place but I really need some help.

I have a very close friend who's family member suffered a loss about 18 months ago. They've refused to see me throughout my entire pregnancy and whilst my son has been born (he's 7 months) I offered to see her without my son but that wasn't allowed either.

She would text but never about my pregnancy/son and I've tried to be as kind and supportive as possible by never saying a word about him and now it's escalated to not wanting to talk at all really.

Can anyone help me in what to do? I'm absolutely heartbroken. I have a lot of sympathy and I wasn't expecting to cause so much pain to people through having children. It's such new territory and I feel like I'm getting everything wrong and it's leading to me having huge emotions and I'm struggling a lot with it. Has anyone experienced this and know of any therapies/books/podcasts etc that might help overcome this feeling of guilt?

Thanks x

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 01/02/2022 03:46

I came back to suggest that the loss of the baby in her family is probably not the real problem. People like this thrive on other people’s misfortunes because it makes them feel superior. This “friend” undoubtedly suffers from serious issues (not at all your fault) stemming from childhood traumas that she has no intention of changing. If I am correct, she has a pattern of victimhood, emotional lability and a general lack of accountability for the impact she has on others. She is probably very attracted to fun and exciting times, but is generally an energy drain who feels like she is owed or entitled to special favours or considerations. In your case, she is feeling betrayed because your lifestyle changed when you met your DH/DP and then again when you had your baby. She is no doubt single and is also jealous of your relationship and family, which she can only see as a stereotypical “picket fence and climbing roses around the door” picture of perfect happiness. She now resents you for the happiness that she doesn’t have, and rather than admit that (even to herself) she is blaming the loss of the baby.

Happyhappyday · 01/02/2022 04:53

I had a couple of miscarriages before a successful pregnancy and found it really hard to be around families until I had DC. If I hadn’t had DC, I think I probably would’ve pulled back from friendships where folks had kids until I had really processed it, because for me at least it wasn’t the loss of the specific baby I miscarried but the slow loss of hope that I would ever have a family. For me it was also the length of time that we tried to have a baby before DC was born. It also contributed to some fairly serious PND and anxiety post birth that took a good year to fully shake off, with therapy and medication.

That said, I don’t think any friends knew I was avoiding their DC because however sad I was, it wasn’t their fault and I certainly tried to at least seem happy for them.

I think what I’m trying to say to the people on mumsnet who were able to shrug off and MC and move on, that’s great for you to be able to keep the perspective that it really is just super common, but also that everyone grieves in a different way & especially if your friend hasn’t had a successful pregnancy since, she may be grieving what feels like the loss of a family. It doesn’t give her an excuse to be rude to you but she and you may just need to take a gentle break until she has a child or some therapy to work through her feelings.

Happyhappyday · 01/02/2022 04:55

Ok just read it’s not your friend who had the MC. Definitely weird to treat like that when it wasn’t even her baby?!

Tarne · 01/02/2022 05:15

I spent the whole of my first three pregnancies quiet so as not to be insensitive so as not to upset friends who were having trouble conceiving and who had miscarriages to the point of never discussing it or celebrating with anyone outside close family.

Sorry but you have no idea how much trauma and upset others might be having and I find the whole baby shower idea incredibly nose rubbing in it for those who aren't as fortunate.

Despite my efforts I had one dear friend who could not come to terms with her infertility and it meant she never wanted to be around babies and toddlers.

Don't take it personally, but I think it should be discussed more that pregnancy can be very triggering and many close friendships don't survive if lack of being able to have children has badly affected their mental health.

It is surprisingly common and it is a good idea to be sensitive to other people's feelings.

Chocomelon · 01/02/2022 05:24

It is strange for someone not to want to see you because someone else had a Mc. Is it possible they had a loss or infertility themselves and using this as an excuse?

But if they don't want to see you with the baby then you need to decide whether you're ok with that. It's ok for you to say you find it odd to carry on as you are.

Firsttimetrier · 01/02/2022 08:11

I’m a little confused over the fact it wasn’t her who had the MC, it was a family friend?

I always try and see things from the other person’s perspective but in this situation, I can’t.

It seems totally illogical for her to act like this 🥴.

Can you ask her about the thought process behind this? Why is she acting like this is her loss and taking it out on you? When you’ve done nothing wrong. Do you even know this family member of hers?

So many questions!

Firsttimetrier · 01/02/2022 08:13

@Tarne the friend who isn’t talking to OP didn’t have the loss, it was the friend’s family member.

Yes, people should be considerate because you don’t know what struggles others are having behind closed doors, but you can’t try and protect the feelings of people you don’t know, like OP in this scenario.

Derbee · 01/02/2022 08:46

I think rather than focusing on the lost “friendship” you need to try and understand why your bar is set so low for how you deserve to be treated. This woman is no friend to have just cut you off like this.

Rrrob · 01/02/2022 09:07

So it’s not your friend who had the mc? In which case I think she’s being OTT. If the friend had the mc that is slightly different. After dd1 died I found pregnancy and babies very triggering but luckily friends understood and were patient with me.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/02/2022 09:09

Very difficult. I think that friendship is over, sorry.

Doomscrolling · 01/02/2022 09:19

So your friend isn’t the one who had the miscarriage, it’s her sister/cousin/whatever, and therefore she can’t be around anyone pregnant, with a newborn or a toddler?

This is no friend. This is a drama llama. Cut your losses. And congratulations on your little boy - 7months is such a gorgeous age!

PasswordEarth · 01/02/2022 11:29

As someone who has been through this, it’s batshit or there is something else going on. If the loss isn’t hers, but a family member she’s covering for something.
I know some people avoid all friends and family who are pregnant and have babies, but I found being around friends and them being normal/happy was far better than the family who tiptoes around me and thought I was going to have a break down at seeing them pregnant.

NYnewstart · 01/02/2022 11:37

My friends own sister didn’t see her for quite a few years because of this. They are actually quite close now but the kids were in double figures before the sister would see them.

Loopytiles · 01/02/2022 11:39

You don’t know your friend’s reason(s) for not wanting to meet or hear about your pregnancy and DC.

But you can’t maintain a friendship with someone who doesn’t want to meet up with you.

I had similar in the past with a friend who was experiencing fertility problems. I dropped to low contact for a couple of years. She had DC and got back in touch and we resumed friendship, although some things were different. I doubt she would’ve got back in touch had she not had DC.

MaChienEstUnDick · 01/02/2022 11:42

Grief thief. I bet the family member who suffered the actual loss would be gobsmacked and not a little bit angry at how your friend is behaving.

You need to let this one go. I know that's hard and it feels emotional because it's all tied up with your baby, which should be a joyful thing. Allow yourself to grieve. But you also have to move on. Don't let her steal your joy.

AwkwardPaws27 · 01/02/2022 11:45

I'd give them space. It might better in a year or so, it might not, but pushing it is only going to hurt you both. Just let contact drift to a natural conclusion.

FWIW, I was in the middle of my second miscarriage (which was pretty traumatic & took about 6 weeks to complete) when my BIL & his partner announced their pregnancy (they didn't know), and it was v difficult.

I struggled with seeing our nephew for a while. We went on a family holiday together when he was around 18 months & that was still hard, but it has got easier with time. I'm now pregnant again which has helped a lot too.

RockinHorseShit · 01/02/2022 11:54

Sorry, but your friend is behaving like an attention seeking entitled dick. Stop pandering to her & get yourself better friends

FelicityPike · 01/02/2022 12:07

@RockinHorseShit

Sorry, but your friend is behaving like an attention seeking entitled dick. Stop pandering to her & get yourself better friends
I actually agree with this. I wouldn’t bother my arse with her any more. Nor would I feel a single shred of guilt over this. It’s HER doing, not yours.
MissMaple82 · 01/02/2022 12:11

She us absolutely not doing anything wrong as previously suggested. Everyone handles grief in their own way and each way is unique. She obviously finds it too painful. Your heartbreak over it is nothing compared to hers. The best thing you can do is let her know you will be there if she wants you and just leave her be. Once she has healed she will find the strength to be around you again. Stop taking it as a personal attack, it's not!

PineappleWilson · 01/02/2022 12:17

I had a friend like this. Our older children were best friends, we went on holiday as the two families together, then I randomly got pregnant 8 years after my first, when they'd had repeated miscarriages. I realised something was amiss when I walked down the street with the pram and she crossed the road to avoid me and the baby. We are no longer friends. The husband has told my husband that she will find it easier to be around me and our DD as she gets older, as if we should be grateful for these crumbs. I have no interest in accepting future offers of friendship from them.

I understand that miscarriage, particularly multiple miscarraiges, are incredibly painful, but for me there's a poin at which you realise you're losing your friends by casting them off for the "crime" of having a baby.

ISmellBurnings · 01/02/2022 13:21

Your friend is refusing to see you because someone in their family had a miscarriage? That’s nuts.

It’s nothing to do with you OP, don’t taking it personally, because this is all her and there’s nothing you can do.

babyjellyfish · 01/02/2022 13:28

@Puffflashpuffflashbang

Was it her baby? Or a family members baby? If it's the latter that seems even more odd?
This. I don't quite understand.
NotNowAlan · 01/02/2022 14:06

I know someone like this, I can't call her a friend anymore. We met when we were both pregnant - me with my first, she with her second. Very sadly she lost her baby and I was very careful not to mention my pregnancy around her. A few years later I was pregnant with my 2nd and she couldn't handle it. She wouldn't see me much then but things improved over the years. Now, 30 years later!, I recently became a grandmother (she has 2 grandchildren) and its a case of "don't mention the war" again. I just can't deal with this anymore, I refuse to treat my children and grandchild like a dirty secret. Our friendship is over.

ISmellBurnings · 01/02/2022 14:40

But it’s a family member who had the miscarriage, not the friend!

RockinHorseShit · 01/02/2022 15:35

But it’s a family member who had the miscarriage, not the friend

Yes, & I can just imagine how the poor woman who has lost a pregnancy 18m ago feels about her relative behaving in this me, me, me, your loss it's all about me sort of way. The friend would be out of my door for that behaviour alone, such a nasty thing to do.