Crippled with anxiety that it might be twins again *TRIGGER WARNING*

[Squiff70]

Please forgive me for this post but let me explain.

In January 2019 we lost twins at 19 weeks due to placental abruption. It was truely horrendous but we were determined we would love to be parents, so we tried again, conceiving in June the same year. Yep, twins a second time. Just before 23 weeks I went into spontaneous labour and delivered our babies. After four days our son passed away but after an awful lot of help and treatment, our little girl survived and is now a healthy and happy two year old. She spent 5.5 months in NICU and 7.5 months in hospital in total. IT WAS HELL and we nearly lost her several times.

Fast forward to today. I'm 4 weeks pregnant (found out on Sunday) and since then I haven't slept through fear that I might be carrying twins a third time.

I am not functioning. I am SO tired, sick, have very sore breasts and utterly, utterly drained. I go to bed about 11pm but am wide awake by 2.30am and don't get back to sleep. My partner is working all weekend and I need to look after our little girl but I can barely even lift her I'm so weak.

Is it worth asking my GP for an HCG blood test? I can't face waiting for a scan and even if I could be scanned today, which I can't, then I wouldn't want to look at the monitor just in case.

You must be asking why not twins again. I wouldn't cope mentally or physically with two babies (potentially) as well as our daughter. DP says "people do cope and you'd be fine" but he gets to escape to work. It's not like that for me. Apart from 2.5 hours of nursery once a week I care for our daughter 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and have done since she came out of hospital with no breaks. I just wouldn't cope with another two children. I have physical health problems as well as PTSD and depression and this is killing me.

I can't do this.

Oh Squiff. I haven't posted but have been hoping for you all day.

Take your time and know that there's no judgement here whatever you decide to do. Be gently on yourself.

@Squiff70

It wasn't the news we were hoping for. It's twins.

According to my LMP, I'm 7 weeks today.

Twin A is measuring 7 weeks and 1 day.

Twin B is measuring 5 weeks and 3 days.

Both have heartbeats.

I am confused and in shock.

I hope you okay. As a mum of twins I know how hard the pregnancy is. I read a lot of American books on twin pregnancy which were very informative. The advice around diet and giving the babies a lot more calories and nutrition was very interesting. I was on a pregnacare vitamin and upped my bean and lentil intake to increase protein and iron. I wish you and all your family well

Was this a private scan @Squiff70?
I've never had a private scan before and wondered what they do in terms of advising you of next steps, have they advised you to let your midwife/doctor/hospital know that its another twin pregnancy? Hopefully they will then be able to give you the care and support that you need going forward.
I can only imagine the mixture of emotions you must be feeling, and I am so sorry for your losses, you've been through so much.

Just wanted to say, firstly I can't imagine how you must be feeling having only had your experience with twin pregnancy. I truly can't imagine, and would hug you if I could.

Of course you're anxious. You'd have to be made of stone not to be. Anxious doesn't do it justice.

I just wanted to say, I have an elder child with additional needs. And "surprise" twins who have just turned 2.

Apart from the very physical bits (two baths, two nappies to change, two to feed) I can say that DTwins are ten times easier than DS ever was.

They comfort each other, and need me far less. And that's from day one. To the extent that I would want another pregnancy if I knew it would be twins. They are brilliant.

I know you aren't in a place to hear all that right now, so I won't go into any more details, because I'm just blabbering on about what it's like once they're here. There's nothing I can say to ease your worries from your previous pregnancy experiences, I'm so sorry for your loss. All I can do, is address where you say you are sure you won't cope. I don't know a single twin mum, who doesn't say that their twins are the best thing that's ever happened to them.

Sending you love and support xxx

So sorry to hear it wasn't the news you wanted. What did they say about the difference of measurement? That's quite a difference

I'm sorry it wasn't the news you hoped for. I hope that you have a happy outcome no matter what route you go down. I can absolutely inerrant why this would be such a trauma for you. Please be kind to yourself while you catch your breath

Oh @Squiff70 fucking hell.

I can't imagine how you're feeling. One hour at a time.

Is there a way you can get in with a specialist NHS consultant, given your history and talk through everything?? Don't know where in the country you are but London has some fantastic neonatal consultants.

ah man, thats harsh for you. Have you thought further about what you will do? x

You must be in shock. Take time to digest it. There is no rush to do anything straight away. Hopefully they will have a good idea on the difference in dates and if the type of twins they are so maybe that info will help to shed some light on things.

Remember that whatever you choose it's going to be right for you. I have four and its bloody hard so try to get some head space to just think about the pregnancy if that's even possible without the demands of parenting. Some time on your own if you can.

Oh, goodness. Take your time to process the news.

I’m sorry you didn’t get the news you were hoping for

@Squiff70
I'm sorry it wasn't the news you were expecting or hoping for - so incredibly rare to naturally conceive twins 3 times in a row

Have they talked to you about the smaller twin? It is measuring a fair way behind the other?

I'm sorry it isn't the news you were hoping for.
Have you applied for DLA for your dd? Entitlement to DLA would bring entitlement to 2 year old nursery hours and Carers Allowance for you and increased UC if you are entitled to this. It might mean your dh could work less to help you more. Have you claimed PIP for yourself?

Oh, poor you!

I only realize now, reading this, that I don't know if it is legal to abort one of the two in a twin pregnancy. I hope you get the support you need to explore all the options, and come to a decision you can live with. Big hugs.

@ThreeLocusts

Yes it's legal in the UK to do selective reductions so long as the usual criteria met under the Abortion Act but the process is longer - 2 days and has to be done in a hospital obviously as there is a lot more testing that has to be done and the procedure is more complex.

Oh bloody hell OP. I can't imagine how you are feeling. Please look after yourself xxxx

Selective reduction is definitely something to consider especially as you have had late twin losses before.

So sorry you didn't get the news you were hoping for please consider your options and ask for an urgent referral to discuss.

I’m sorry to read this. You must be feeling very shocked and confused. As others have said, I hope you feel able to take some time to let the news settle while you think about what might be the best way to proceed. I hope also that the hospital will provide some psychological support and help you explore all the possibilities and options.

Prayers OP

Oh OP I'm so sorry. Thinking of you as you make a decision that works for you and your family

Absolutely no judgment here, what you've been through is horrendous and only you can decide what you can take more of. xxx

Oh. What a shock.

Thank you, once again, for being so supportive and understanding.

This is the scan report (with personal info removed). There's a huge difference between the sizes I don't even know if twin B is viable. The sonographer said it is at the moment as there's a heartbeat. Maybe it was hidden and therefore not an accurate measurement? I don't know, but she said I need another scan in 2 weeks to check on them both but particularly twin B. Only my closest friend knows about this pregnancy and she just said EXACTLY what I'm thinking - that the best thing for my physical and mental health is that twin B isn't viable in 2 weeks. I know that's probably a horrible thing to say and I'm so sorry if that upsets anyone here but I can't help how I feel.

That's not a horrible thing to say at all OP. This is a horrible situation for you to go through and I can't imagine what a huge trigger this if to your PTSD and depression. You poor thing. Glad your partner is supportive and emotionally there for you. Whatever you decide is the right decision for you, I wish you the very best

That's not a horrible thing to say at all OP, only someone with a heart of stone wouldn't understand you feeling that way (and like many, I've had bad news at a scan). Take it day by day and hour by hour, and see what happens.