Crippled with anxiety that it might be twins again *TRIGGER WARNING*

[Squiff70]

Please forgive me for this post but let me explain.

In January 2019 we lost twins at 19 weeks due to placental abruption. It was truely horrendous but we were determined we would love to be parents, so we tried again, conceiving in June the same year. Yep, twins a second time. Just before 23 weeks I went into spontaneous labour and delivered our babies. After four days our son passed away but after an awful lot of help and treatment, our little girl survived and is now a healthy and happy two year old. She spent 5.5 months in NICU and 7.5 months in hospital in total. IT WAS HELL and we nearly lost her several times.

Fast forward to today. I'm 4 weeks pregnant (found out on Sunday) and since then I haven't slept through fear that I might be carrying twins a third time.

I am not functioning. I am SO tired, sick, have very sore breasts and utterly, utterly drained. I go to bed about 11pm but am wide awake by 2.30am and don't get back to sleep. My partner is working all weekend and I need to look after our little girl but I can barely even lift her I'm so weak.

Is it worth asking my GP for an HCG blood test? I can't face waiting for a scan and even if I could be scanned today, which I can't, then I wouldn't want to look at the monitor just in case.

You must be asking why not twins again. I wouldn't cope mentally or physically with two babies (potentially) as well as our daughter. DP says "people do cope and you'd be fine" but he gets to escape to work. It's not like that for me. Apart from 2.5 hours of nursery once a week I care for our daughter 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and have done since she came out of hospital with no breaks. I just wouldn't cope with another two children. I have physical health problems as well as PTSD and depression and this is killing me.

I can't do this.

Oh you poor love.

Yes I would ask for the test. Then you know what you are dealing with and can make plans based on that.

And in the meantime DP needs to step up. He needs to be actively parenting when he is home so you can rest. Would it be possible to increase DDs time in nursery??
Please also speak to your GP about how you are feeling. There are solutions.

Sending hugs and strength

Can I just say - it would be impossible for you to NOT feel terrified in your situation. So your feelings are completely understandable a reasonable.

I'm so sorry you lost your babies. No one should ever have to face that let alone three times.

In your situation I would beg for the earliest blood test/scan possible so that I could have all the facts and then move forward fully aware of what's happening. The not knowing has to be so stressful.

Whatever happens - I wish you strength, good health and hugs.

Thank you for your replies.

@Rainbowqueeen my DP does step up - he's BRILLIANT at stepping up. He is doing as much as he can in order so I can rest but still has to go to work and is working all weekend. I don't have anyone local who can come and help me with our little girl. It's not possible to increase her time in nursery at the moment - she goes to a specialist nursery for children with disabilities due to developmental delay and ll their sessions are 2.5 hours and each child can only have one session a week. She can't go to a mainstream nursery yet as she needs an education needs assessment. She can't walk yet and they wouldn't know where to place her in terms of age and development. She is catching up and WILL catch up, however. This won't necesarily be permanent.

@zippityzip I'm on hold to the doctors as I type. I have to get past the 'guards' aka receptionists first and tell them why I want an appointment with a GP! I'll report back in a few minutes...

Well done OP. You are in a tough tough situation but I’m so pleased to see you taking this step.

The receptionist was very nice with me as I broke down sobbing whilst explaining why I need an appointment. Anyway my GP will call me this morning to discuss this. I'll definitely be asking for a blood test. I'll update again later.

Thank you so much to you both for being so kind and supportive, it means a lot

Great result. I hope that has made you feel better.
Insist on the test, don’t be fobbed off. But I think your GP will be completely sympathetic and will have other ideas to help you as well as the test.
I’ll be checking in later. Good luck

Even just speaking to the GP may feel like you have an element of control and alleviate some of the anxiety. I hope they are helpful.

I always found with the GP when I was pregnant if I TOLD them what I wanted then generally they would just go with what I think, you're not a FTM and you know your body and situation better than anyone.

Good luck - find out what's happening and then you can plan your next steps. I think having a chat with DH is probably on the list too - tell him you need more support. Plus, is it a possibility to increase your DDs nursery hours, even slightly, so that you get a break.

Additionally, you might be able to get a scan with EPU next week to see if it's one or two sacs?

You've been through so much, no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. Lay it all out to your GP. Tell them everything you are feeling. You should be able to have early scans.

DD didn't walk until she was 2 and a half (hypermobile joints). She also has learning disabilities. I know exactly how draining it is having a child with developmental delays. Once they do starting walking life does get easier.

Your daughter needs to be assessed as soon as possible so that she can be supported with increased nursery hours. Is there anyone your DH can push about this?

I hope your GP can help.

Thank you so much everyone. The GP called and I explained the situation and asked directly about a blood test. She said they could do a blood test but even if the levels are high it doesn't mean I'm carrying twins and even if they're low it doesn't mean I'm not. On that basis I didn't push for it. The upshot is I have to wait until 6 weeks then ask for an early scan. She said there's literally nothing I can do except wait until the New Year. I know it's only two weeks away but it feels like a lifetime just now.

My DP does a lot but generally all admin including stuff to do with nursery is left to me. I'm not working as I care for our daughter when he is at work which means we only have one income for now which at the moment doesn't stretch to paying for a private nursery. We were turned down for a place for her as a 2 year old even though I did apply - no reason was given and the email says the decision is final.

Both my parents and both DPs parents live abroad so they can't help. My mum is unwell too.

This is a planned pregnancy but I honestly didn't think I'd feel this anxious.

I'm glad you've had time to talk to your GP.

Yes I can imagine 2 weeks feels like a lifetime. I think now your focus has to be to protect yourself by not allowing your fears to spiral - much easier to type than do.

You have a lot of unknowns at the moment. The key is to recognise that your mind is trying to take control in a situation when you don't have all the right information.

So for now all you can do is rest, enjoy your daughter and rope yourself back each and every time you mind wanders in to the future.

You might not have twins. Your daughter will have developed between now and when you give birth. she will get additional nursery hours.

You don't have to solve any problem right now. Answers and solutions will come (I know that sounds a bit woo - I don't mean it that way!). You just need more time. Hang on in there.

I agree with everyone else, no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed and anxious, and then feeling physically rubbish on top of that.

It's an awkward time to start looking, just as places are closing for the Christmas break, but are there any other nurseries near you that take the 2 year old funding? If she's entitled to 15 hours a week (term-time) and getting 2.5, that's not okay, even before considering how it would help you.

More short term, any friends, neighbours, etc. who might be able to help a little? We've offered a playdate (with the child's parent present, but working) to help another nursery parent out in a pinch, and a neighbour has had DD a couple of times when I desperately needed a couple hours rest. I realise this may be more difficult depending on DD's needs.

@Notonthestairs thank you, I needed to hear that. I'm just finding it all so so tough - much tougher than I thought I would! I'll ring my GP again towards new year and ask then to be referred for an early scan. If I have no luck there I'll book a private scan for as soon as possible in the new year.

I know that this stress isn't good for me or the baby/ies and am trying to relax as much as I can.

Add in the fact that I've had an upset stomach since last Saturday, drained is an understatement and just moving my arms gives me muscle fatigue/pains without even doing anything.

@skkyelark I've already explained - my daughter isn't entitled to 15 hours a week and can't start at a mainstream nursery until she's had an ENA. The assessor is going to see her after Christmas apparently.

The nursery she goes to now is a private specialist nursery for children who have disabilities or additional needs. We do pay for that, but they don't accept ANY children for more than one 2.5hr session a week. I will talk to her key worker at nursery next week and see what she says.

I can understand why you would be upset and anxious - I nearly died and so did my twins from a placental abruption and they were in NICU - I'd love twins again but couldn't and wouldn't risk it again x

I'm a mother of twins. It is such a worrying time. Was this pregnancy a surprise or were you trying? There are so many factors to consider here and you can't do anything so you need to think of ways that will help to lower your anxiety until you know what you are dealing with. Twin pregnancies are so difficult and a completely different experience to singleton pregnancies.

www.home-start.org.uk/Pages/Category/things-we-can-help-with#startcontent

The charity home start might be able to help you?

Try your best to focus on right now and try not to thing about the future. Plan some fun things to do with your DD - mine liked to go an look at the “twinkly houses” at that age. Also going for a walk is good food getting me out of my head.

@bonetiredwithtwins I hear you when you say you couldn't and wouldn't risk it again. I know how much hard work twins are as my closest friend has two and a half year old twins AND a five month old! I don't know how she does it. I just knoe for a fact that I can't.

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes t hanks for your reply too. This pregnancy, like my others, was planned. I just didn't think I would feel this anxious. When I do sleep I dream that the sonographer has found two babies and it wakes me up - crying to the point I don't go back to sleep. I am still full of grief for the three I have lost and the one I so nearly lost too that I can't put myself through it again.

@Didicat I have no idea if Home Start might be able to help - I'm not even sure how but I'll look into it, so thank you. I've printed off some Hey Duggee colouring sheets for us to colour in tomorrow and am currently thinking of little low-energy activities we can do this weekend to pass the time.

My apologies, I had misunderstood about the SEN nursery –I thought it was a funded one (which would have meant that your daughter had some official SEN status, albeit not a full EHCP) and it was a specific nursery that had refused to take her for her two-year-old hours. I hope her assessment comes soon and is helpful.

At that age, my daughter could spend quite a bit of time with play dough (we just had simple homemade stuff) or with some dry pasta or rice, a pan, spoon, bowl, etc. to scoop and mix and pour. Reusable stickers for the patio doors have also filled a lot of time, but that only helps if you've already got some (or perhaps have Amazon Prime).

Hand hold

Thank you. I'm just taking it one hour at a time this weekend. I've been awake again since 3.30am and am looking after our LG alone. The good news is I'm a tiny bit stronger today and have slightly more energy, but still taking it easy. I appreciate all of your messages x

Have you any news op?

Hi @Tomselleckhaskindeyes. No, not yet. I'll be 5 weeks this Friday so technically can have a scan very early in the new year when I'll be 6-7 weeks. Since I phoned my GP in tears last Friday I've calmed down a bit but still waking up ridiculously early through stress and still like a coiled spring. I decided there's absolutely nothing I can do yet but sit and wait it out. After Christmas I'll ring my GP again and ask her to refer me for an early scan for as soon as possible in the new year. Thank you for asking after me and I will update this thread when I have more info.

[quote Squiff70]@skkyelark I've already explained - my daughter isn't entitled to 15 hours a week and can't start at a mainstream nursery until she's had an ENA. The assessor is going to see her after Christmas apparently.

The nursery she goes to now is a private specialist nursery for children who have disabilities or additional needs. We do pay for that, but they don't accept ANY children for more than one 2.5hr session a week. I will talk to her key worker at nursery next week and see what she says.[/quote]
I’m wondering what area you live in. You are entitled to 15 hours childcare, and that could be used with a childminder, not just a nursery. We have had children with a wide range of SEN who have come to us in school from private nurseries and the children don’t automatically have an EHCP, but we work fast to get them one. Speak with your local SEN team as it sounds to me that someone is being discriminatory. Your dd DOESNT need an EHCP in order to go to nursery!

@Soontobe60 the 15 hours at 2 isn't universal it is based on income so I'm sure the op knows whether she is entitled or not.