Gender expectations - does it go away once they’re born?

[Haveallthenamesgone]

This is a hard thing for me to write as I’m embarrassed and ashamed about my own feelings. We are due later after Xmas and haven’t found out the sex. Partly because I’m sad if it’ll be a boy and I don’t know why. Do these irrational feelings go away once they’re born and placed on your chest?
I don’t know why I crave a girl. I know it doesn’t really matter. I know all the rational arguments but the hormonal pull to meet ‘mini me’ is so strong. Plus everyone we know is having or recently had girls. And strangers have told me having boys is awful.

Can anyone tell me if the weird chemical feeling of disappointment just disappears eventually? I’m a very anxious first timer and can’t navigate my own emotions about this topic (so if you came to write something nasty, please log off and make a cuppa)

Ignore the strangers telling you having a boy is awful. However, if you have a strong pull towards one sex, it is a risk you take that you won’t get the one you want.

I didn't have gender expectations as strongly as you but I was nervous about having a boy because I felt like I didn't know enough about boys. I went to an all girl's school for most of my education and as an adult most of my close friends were women. I've worked in a female dominated industry etx. I've just always felt more comfortable around other women. Anyhow, my first was a little boy and he's a total joy! I love the hell out of him and did so instantly. Your friend who told you boys are awful sounds like an arse (and dead wrong).

I find this very sad. I have two boys, both wonderfully, completely different. One is my double, one is my husbands double.
My eldest does gymnastics and plays with a fairy wand, amongst other more "boy centric" toys.
They are both pretty high energy but as far as I'm aware this isn't sex-specific.
Genitalia shouldn't define anything, they're their own little people regardless.

My friend has a girl and she can be not very nice. Tried to shove my 3 year old off his balance bike yesterday because she wanted a go and shrieks and kicks her legs when she doesn't get her way. My 3 year old ds is nothing like this and is the most gentle child you could ever meet. He tells me he wants to "kiss and cuddle me all night long". Loves animals and babies. Is good at sharing. He is a joy. How your child turns out is an impossible to prove combination of luck, upbringing and personality- it's not to do with the sex of the child!

My partner was slightly disappointed we were having a boy (we found out at scan) but the next day he was over it.
We both love our little boy so much now, because he’s great and he’s ours, I’m sure boy or girl that feeling is the same 😊
Btw Im from a family of girls, work with girls etc too so no experience of boys either! It’s fun to be raising the first boy as my whole family is obsessed with him too 😂

Thank you GoneBlank - really helps me to know how much you love him! That’s what I need to hear. I’m also from a family of all girls (3 sisters!) so it’s probably just based on my life experiences.
(Suffice to say I’m already being judged in comments despite me stating upfront it was irrational/ I’m embarrassed and sharing deep private concerns. I was looking for community in MN but maybe it’s just a place of catty judgement!)

You'll be fine.

Do you have a male partner? A Dad? Brother? Male friends? Male colleagues? How would you feel if somebody wrote off all of them as awful simply due to their biological sex. That should quiet your worries about half the population being terrible according to some strangers.

It's normal to have worries during pregnancy and I think often we project them onto something like the baby's sex because it's tangible. But it's an illusion really. I've had a boy and a girl. They're both magnificent. And irritating. And funny. And wise. And frustrating. I wouldn't dare reduce them down to their sex to tell you anything about their personalities. It would be a false dichotomy.

Honestly, it will pass!

The worst part of parenting is the utter shit other people feel entitled to tell you, and that unfortunately doesn't stop after they're born. I only learned to deal with it by thinking...why the fuck would someone even say that, why would you say to a pregnant first time mum that boys are awful? What are they hoping to gain from it? Is it helpful, kind or necessary??Says more about them than anything!

FWIW I have two boys and am surrounded by many many boys, and they are a complete joy! They have their moments but no more than girls from what I've observed from friends and family. DS1, who is now 10, has always been my spitting image except for his eye colour which is straight from DH.

When I was pregnant with DD, I really wanted a boy, I had such disappointment when I found out she was a girl at 20 week scan, but oh my, she is incredible! I can’t imagine not having her now, I’m pregnant with #2 now and couldn’t care less what sex baby I have this time. It will pass lovely x

I have 2 sons . They have been an absolute delight alk their lives.

If you took my comment as 'catty' then that's now how it was meant to come across. It was mainly in response to your friends comment about boys being awful.

OP you're having a baby. It will make not one jot of difference to you when the tiny little bundle is all wrapped up and sleeping in your arms. You will hear the snuffles, you will smell the newborn scent, you will feel the warmth of the child curled up on your chest, the soft breathing settling on you and you will want to love, nurture and protect them from their tiny toes to their perfect little eyelashes.

You will gaze at your child, gently stoke them, whisper to them and share very intimate, special moments that bond you for life. Honestly, it doesn't happen very often for most people and the newborn stage doesn't last very long. Make the most of it and have absolutely no disappointment or regret because there is no room for that in this little one's life.

I was told a dd at 3 scans. Prepared everything
.. Chose a name and we all used it to refer to the bump.

A ds arrived. Honestly after the split second shock I was besotted. He was gorgeous!! At nearly 18 he still is too!! And never been a bit of bother..
Unlike my teen dd's. Urgh....

I had a moment of sadness when I found i was pregnant with a boy, related to the reason we found out early, but it very soon melted away. Ds was then and still is the absolute apple of my eye. I found being a parent quite hard but ds himself was the most straightforward and adorable child. He used to wake up cheerful: too early but his huge grin when he spotted me made it lovely. He's very very like me in looks and personality, but in interests and skills more like his dad. He hates being late but otherwise has never done drama of any sort, he didn't even really do tantrums. He is my best boy and I adore him. Nearly grown up now.

If I were you, I'd find out the sex now.

People talk about gender disappointment as if it's some heinous crime, but actually I think it's quite normal to have a picture in your mind of what motherhood will look like, and to feel disappointment if that's not what happens. So many people have this. It's just not really talked about.

I also think that you will fall in love with your baby no matter what sex. (And would like to reassure you that almost every one I know who has boys finds them easier).

BUT - if you are going to experience a bit of disappointment, I think it's probably better to deal with that now at the scan than when you've been through birth.

The vast likelihood is that you'll be overjoyed and so relieved all is well that the sex won't even feature on the list of things. But just in case you are going to have a natural pang, why not get it out of the way.

Also - if you know now you have a month to prepare and get your head around it, and take in the advice from the people telling you boys are delightful.

Surprise is nice in theory, but doesn't seem quite the right choice for you.

I understand where you're coming from OP.
I had a boy first and I came from a family of girls. I wondered if I'd know what to do!! But as soon as I saw him- I couldn't wait to get him into my arms!!
😍
He's still fabulous and we're close, share the same sense of humour.
Boys are great, OP, but so are girls in a very different way 🙂
I had 2 more children after him and I did worry whether I could love anybody else as much as I loved him. But I needn't have worried.

Don't be harsh on yourself. I think it's perfectly normal and much more common than people think. I told people I didn't have a preference but I definitely did. I think a lot of people don't want to admit it. Like if they wanted a girl and had a boy they love it less. You definitely won't.
I chose to find out so I would have time to get used to it. I didn't want to be disappointed in the delivery room. Maybe you'll care less at that point.

I thought I was having a girl with my first but turned out to be a boy. I found out the sex so I soon get use to having a boy. Second was a boy over the moon. Third a little girl, was more scared than disappointed. Wouldn't change anything now. You soon accept it so don't be hard on yourself if you are a little disappointed if it's a little boy.

Once you have your baby you will discover it doesnt matter boy or girl . l think its understandable at present you think you would feel more familiar with a girl, but boys are a lovely surprise. Both mine are now over 6 ft tall, funny kind and eat me out of house and home, its been a wonderful experiance, l am enormously grateful.

Hi OP, sorry you feel that way. But seriously, once your baby is here, the weight of unconditional love towards them will absolutely FLOOR you, I promise. You won't care what gender they are, trust me. Once you look into their eyes for the first time, NOTHING will be the same again. You'll wonder how is it even possible to love someone that much...

I have always thought I wanted a girl, here I am expecting my third boy and I honestly can't imagine having it any other way. So take it easy on yourself, pregnancy with all the raging hormones is a very strange time, you may not find yourself at your most rational but it will pass.

All the best and I hope your little one arrives well and safe xx

My 6 year old is a boy. My nearly 2 year old is a girl.

I love them to the end of the world and back. The boy has spent the morning racing hot wheels cars with his baby sister and is now crafting with me making a pencil stand out of an empty breadcrumbs bottle. He will be watching a movie later with me with hot chocolate and marshmallows.

The 2 year old girl is ripping hair off my spouses’s chest upstairs as he changes her nappy and will soon be throwing a truck down the stairs.

None of this in entirely gendered or sexed. They are just really disruptive gorgeous awesome and exhausting humans.

As pp said, people will always feel the need to give their opinion once you're pregnant/have children, case in point your friends who said having a boy would be awful!? I agree with pp again, who would say that to someone, ever (!) but particularly to a pregnant person with a 50% chance of having a son.
People will also feel the need to be very mean about you having a preference, but I honestly think it's quite common, people are just shamed for it, particularly by people who have already have their children & act as if you will neglect your child.
Like a pp, I am just more used to girls, sisters, all girls school, friends, work environment etc so my worry about having a son has comes from being unable to envision how to raise them. Ironically my husband thinks that a girl would be very difficult to raise but I don't think that boys are necessarily 'easier' either. I think that whatever child you get will be an individual that you'll have to learn to raise outside of any expectations and as everyone says, you will love them regardless because they're yours!
I would suggest that you should start imagining now that it could be a boy and think about the positives of that situation and perhaps to try and actually analyse what might be causing the feelings of disappointment (I think we use the word disappointment but when I thought about it I was more worried than disappointed at the idea of having a boy); in my experience it's not a hormonal or chemical thing, I knew before getting pregnant that I had a preference for a girl. Getting pregnant and bonding with the baby before knowing the sex actually made it easier for me to analyse my feelings and work through my preference. I actually really felt from early on that it was a boy so I started to think about where my worries were specifically and realised that it was more when they were older, that I felt I wouldn't be able understand what they were going through but certainly the early years don't feel much different in my mind to raising a girl so I've got plenty of time to learn what 'my' son (rather than boys in general) would need.
Don't feel too bad, but if you can, try and work through the thought process of your preference, though I don't doubt that as soon as your baby is born you'll love it so much.

My 'awful' boys have brought so much joy to my life. I wanted a girl, didn't get one, I really don't care now because I love what I did get. They are teens and are such good company (most of the time!!) I also really enjoy talking to their friends when they come over.

I'm surprised you've been told boys are awful - everyone I know with both sexes always says boys are easier! Anyway, I'm pregnant with my 3rd boy and boys are the best (yes I'm biased ). Ds1 tells me he loves me every single day and that I'm his "best friend forever". Every day after school he comes running out and tells me he missed me! My second is totally different personality-wise - more independent and adventurous - but still so sweet and affectionate. He loves cuddles and kisses and holding my hand (he's 2). Honestly boys are wonderful and I honestly can't say I feel like I've missed out on anything not having had a girl. No matter whether your baby is a boy or a girl you are going to love him or her more than anything! Don't stress out about it now. And congratulations!

With my first, I was too scared to find out, as I so desperately wanted a girl. Which she was.

With my 2nd, we found out. When they said I was having a boy, I cried and cried for two days then got over myself. Honestly, when he was born I took one at his lovely face and melted. He was the loveliest creature I’d ever seen, and is 12 now and still a smasher. As is his big sister.