Gender expectations - does it go away once they’re born?

[Haveallthenamesgone]

This is a hard thing for me to write as I’m embarrassed and ashamed about my own feelings. We are due later after Xmas and haven’t found out the sex. Partly because I’m sad if it’ll be a boy and I don’t know why. Do these irrational feelings go away once they’re born and placed on your chest?
I don’t know why I crave a girl. I know it doesn’t really matter. I know all the rational arguments but the hormonal pull to meet ‘mini me’ is so strong. Plus everyone we know is having or recently had girls. And strangers have told me having boys is awful.

Can anyone tell me if the weird chemical feeling of disappointment just disappears eventually? I’m a very anxious first timer and can’t navigate my own emotions about this topic (so if you came to write something nasty, please log off and make a cuppa)

These threads always get so judgey.

OP - it's normal to feel a preference when there's more than one option.

If it helps, I didn't find out the sex either time because I desperately wanted boys. At 20 weeks I wasn't bonded enough with the baby to not feel disappointed if it was a girl.

My first was a boy (Yey) no issues and I adored him from the moment my husband said it's a boy.

My second is a girl (Yey) I adored here the moment my husband said it's a girl. She's wonderful. I did have some disappointment but it was more being sad to not use the awesome boys name I had picked out. I also figured out that I wanted boys because I didn't want a daughter to be tall like me and go through the shit that is being a tall teenage girl. She is tall like me and I'll help her to love her height and thankfully the internet makes clothing easier than it was for me.

It does go when that baby is handed to you. You love them just as they are.

Oh and before anyone says it - we went through years of infertility to get our kids. I know what it feels like to desperately want a baby. I'm not a monster for having a preference.

I feel like this too and feel really ashamed. I just don't know what I'm doing with a boy. Got 10 more weeks to go and hoping that when it gets to it, I won't care.
I was convinced my first was a boy, maybe trying to reassure myself and prepare myself but DD came out! So I already have a girl and yet I'm still nervous about this one being a boy. It's really strange.

I like to think that if it is a boy, that first cuddle will cement your love for him and you forget about all the worries you had!

I’d find out; but that’s almost entirely based on two friends who didn’t, and were then very disappointed to have had boys, and found the first few months really hard. One feels it affected her bond with her son. Finding out during the pregnancy gives you a bit of time before they’re here to get used to the idea, and process anything that you need to.

I have no idea how often that happens, if I’m honest, but it helped me to decide that if I had strong feelings either way, I’d find out during pregnancy to give myself the best chance of it not affecting those early days. Plenty of people say the “rush of love” and “not caring when baby is born” didn’t happen for them.

And once you’ve dealt with any disappointment etc; you can buy things that make you excited - there are gorgeous boys things available, too.

All the best to you, whatever you decide. One of the friends above now has two boys and a girl; and one has three boys and has adopted a daughter.

@Haveallthenamesgone

Your baby will be your baby and you'll love them. To an extent I think it's normal to have worries and even sadness when possibilities narrow down, but don't let it become all-consuming.

People have odd ideas about boys and girls, and for some reason feel entitled to share those without being asked. I'd honestly recommend ignoring the opinions of people who are being critical or judgey about their own or other children - it says more about them than about the children.

Biological sex is just one small part of a person's identity and personality, and yet as a society we can get so hung up on it. Whether you have a boy or a girl, they'll be their own person and you'll be able to love learning with them about who they are.

If you think it's going to be hard for you initially, it might help to find out prior to the birth, so you have time to process and either relax or get excited again.

Do these irrational feelings go away once they’re born and placed on your chest?

For me, yes, absolutely. He is wonderful. The overwhelming feeling of protection, fear, love, relief, shock, joy and gratitude when I'd actually processed that I'd had a baby (solid few hours later!) were as strong then as they are now almost five years later

Your baby (whoever they are) will be wonderful simply because they are yours. My boy is so full of love and kindness, his imagination is incredible and he's got opinions for days. He tells me he loves me and how beautiful I am a hundred times a day. When they nod off on you and you feel that comforting heaviness of their little body as they melt into you and you realise that you're their safe place and you'd do anything for them. It doesn't stop it being hard when they're up all night and you're shattered and your nerves are frayed but the lovely moments make up for it.

I was pregnant for a second time last year and was briefly worried that I might be having another boy because I'd have liked a girl. He was a boy, but we lost him at 21+4 because he was very ill and wouldn't have survived. I'm not expecting again and just want this baby to be healthy and come home safe.

I have two boys and can't pretend I didn't get a little pang of sadness that I'll now never have a daughter. But that lasted about a day. They are a total joy and can't say I even think about it now. Having a girl seems alien to me

Hi @Haveallthenamesgone , I ALWAYS thought I'd have girls and even before I was pregnant really could not get on board with the idea of a son, god knows why!

The instant my son was born, I was so incredibly excited it was a boy 🤣 he's absolutely amazing, such a sweetheart and, I'm sorry to say...... if I ever have another, I'll be crossing my fingers for another boy! These things make NO sense, don't beat yourself up.

All you should be worrying about is that your child is healthy, what does it matter what gender it is. Frankly, I find it hard to understand (and think it’s quite pathetic) that people get so obsessed about what gender their child is and “crave” a particular gender.

I would strongly advise you find out beforehand, OP. Like, now. I wanted a boy first time around (though is convinced myself I didn't care), found out at 20 weeks and got over it within a couple of days when I found out DD was a girl. I definitely felt more attached to her after I found out her sex, probably because I could use the correct pronoun- it made her feel more real.

With DS I didn't think I had a preference, but it turned out at birth that I did, just slightly. I wouldn't go as far as to say I was disappointed, but I was definitely a bit shell-shocked and I wish I'd found out beforehand to acclimate myself.

*though I convinced myself

Ignore the people saying boys are awful - they can be delightful.

Chances are it will blow away as soon as you see him, or maybe you will want a girl and get one next, or you will want one and you won’t get one and be a bit sad - but it will not - it absolutely will not - be a big thing.

There is nothing wrong with having a bit of a preference, and if you think it will help, find out the sex now so you research all that is delightful about boys before he pitches up.

I decided not to find out for exactly this reason. I figured I would love whoever ended up coming out, because how could I not love my baby, whatever it was? In the end I had two girls and I was very pleased but to be honest I’m pretty sure they could have put a wet cat on my chest at the end of each labour and I would have been thrilled.

My urge for a daughter was also very strong. You’ll be flamed for saying so on here, but it’s very common, I think.

I’m sure you’ll love your baby and be thrilled regardless. Good luck with everything @Haveallthenamesgone

Op I have three boys. Everyone I meet tells me how great boys are, how lucky I am. Of course they'd say similarly if I had girls.... My boys are great, an a girl or three would have been great, because they're mine.

I’m pretty sure they could have put a wet cat on my chest at the end of each labour and I would have been thrilled.

So true!

I wanted a girl. Once I found out he was a boy, I got over it very quickly although I was still apprehensive - just the unknown.

And then the moment he was placed in my arms, I have never known love like that. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a preference before they’re here. I’m sure boy or girl you will adore that baby with all your heart

I wanted a girl, didn't find out gender. When he was born and placed on my chest, I couldn't have care less. Just overwhelmed at having a baby .

I have one of each. They're both fantastic, but the boy is definitely a lot more easy going. My girl is an absolute wild woman! More boisterous than most children. Send help

Anyway, we didn't find out either. I did want a girl too, but it actually wasn't appreciated when she was born as she was quite poorly and I was just worried and wanted her to be OK. Couldn't have cared less about what sex she was.

Anyway, we did find out with dc2. I was expecting them to say another girl but it was a boy. He arrived a bit more calmly and I did enjoy the first few minutes with him a lot more.

I don't think you'll care when he/she arrives. I think it can happen, but is less common to have a strong preference when it's your actual, living baby. You're just delighted with them, or exhausted, or both and their sex doesn't make much difference in those early days. Babies are babies. By the time they are more like a boy or girl and less like a baby, you'll probably have adjusted.

You won't care op honestly.
My DS is my favourite person in the world!
If we have another I secretly hope it's another boy.

Boys are ace!

I was the opposite. I really really wanted a boy no clue why but I always said it was because I knew I was high maintenance and I didn't want a mini me haha.

Anyway I had a bit and compared to my friend who had a girl the same time as me he is far more chilled!

It doesn't matter on sex it is down to the individual child

Honestly you’ll be fine. I always wanted a little girl. I think it was because of the lovely relationship I have with my mum that I wanted to replicate. Which I know isn’t always guaranteed so slightly irrational desire. I had a little boy. He is 2.5y now and I honestly wouldn’t change a hair on his head. He is so so loving and sweet and I love having a boy. I’m pregnant again and I don’t feel the same desperation because I know I’ll love the little person they become rather than them being a girl or boy. And just to add my little boy loves both ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ toys and we play with everything so day to day it really doesn’t make a difference tbh! Hormones in pregnancy don’t help, be kind to yourself ❤️

When I was pregnant I secretly wanted a girl although I told everyone I didn’t mind.

I think it’s because I don’t really like any of the men in my family - quite a few are alcoholics, others are bullies, not many of them are well balanced and self sufficient compared to the women.

I did have a girl, but I think it’s often more complex than ‘you just want a little princess’.

I know if somebody had told me it would be a boy but that they would be lovely & happy, I really wouldn’t have minded either way.

I can’t answer your question as I didn’t have any disappointment when we found out. Partly this was because, early in pregnancy, I really hoped I was having a girl, so I made a conscious choice to think of the baby as a boy so that I’d come round to the idea. By the 20 week scan I was positive I was having a boy, and very excited about it, and I think I’d have almost been disappointed if it had been a girl 😂 however, it was indeed a boy and he’s just the most precious wonderful little thing. No different from any of my friends' little boys and girls in behaviour, feeding, sleep, affection etc.

I really wanted a baby boy, I have 2 lovely girls.
In my experience, from the moment they were born I couldn't care less what sex they were.
However as cheesy as it sounds you should aways be thankful for a healthy baby.
My friends baby boy died from cancer aged 2 years 😢

I love having a boy and wanted one because I had so many sisters. He's not really a typical boy. He's an artist and very funny. He's always been the best of company.
In fact I live with him and DiL now I am older in an annexe and I'm very happy.