Gender expectations - does it go away once they’re born?

[Haveallthenamesgone]

This is a hard thing for me to write as I’m embarrassed and ashamed about my own feelings. We are due later after Xmas and haven’t found out the sex. Partly because I’m sad if it’ll be a boy and I don’t know why. Do these irrational feelings go away once they’re born and placed on your chest?
I don’t know why I crave a girl. I know it doesn’t really matter. I know all the rational arguments but the hormonal pull to meet ‘mini me’ is so strong. Plus everyone we know is having or recently had girls. And strangers have told me having boys is awful.

Can anyone tell me if the weird chemical feeling of disappointment just disappears eventually? I’m a very anxious first timer and can’t navigate my own emotions about this topic (so if you came to write something nasty, please log off and make a cuppa)

Ignore whoever is telling you that boys are awful, they're the awful ones for saying that!

I'm pregnant with my 3rd boy and couldn't be more delighted about it. DS1 is 6 and he may be a boy but he is absolutely my 'mini me'. He's arty, loves books, kind, sensitive, likes to be on his own, big thinker - he's such a gorgeous little soul. DS2 is only 3 but he is a very stereotypical boy so far. Loves his cars and trucks, wants to jump in all the puddles and all the mud, picks up sticks everytime we leave the house, destroys everything he touches but has that super sweet innocent look on his face all the time - he's a handful but he's wonderful and loves a cuddle. I can't wait to find out what number 3 will be like and after 2 miscarriages this year, he could come out a baby dinosaur and I think I'd be thrilled!

I can't speak about that disappointed feeling going away as I've never had that overwhelming urge to have either sex. But from everyone I've ever known who had a preference, both online and in real life, no one has ever been disappointed after baby has arrived. That overwhelming joy seems to take over and it doesn't matter one iota what sex the baby is.

Having a girl is no guarantee of having a "mini you". They all have their own personalities.

I have a 2 year old boy and he is nothing like the stereotypical "boisterous boy" who only plays with cars and jumps off furniture etc. He is getting a toy kitchen and doll for christmas, which he will love. Absolutely nothing to do with me. I was about the least "dolly" little girl on the planet. My favourite toy was a motorway.

I'm sure you will adore your little boy if he arrives

I am lucky and have one of each. My DD was very feminine, my DS very masculine and they are pretty different personality wise but my love for each is equal and infinite. I love Saturday morning (and Sunday) football, plus his two training sessions. Like I used to love taking my DD to dancing and music lessons.

This is a hard thing for me to write as I’m embarrassed and ashamed about my own feelings. We are due later after Xmas and haven’t found out the sex. Partly because I’m sad if it’ll be a boy and I don’t know why. Do these irrational feelings go away once they’re born and placed on your chest?

Don't be embarrassed OP. We have lots of hopes for the relationship we will have with our children and some of them are expressed in this way. My family have had girls, girls, girls, so after my first was a girl I thought my second would be too. We found out at 20 weeks that it was a boy. When he was born, the moment I held him I knew he was exactly the right baby for me. It was a visceral and very strong feeling. I did not want him to be any different, including in his sex.

@solania

I can’t answer your question as I didn’t have any disappointment when we found out. Partly this was because, early in pregnancy, I really hoped I was having a girl, so I made a conscious choice to think of the baby as a boy so that I’d come round to the idea. By the 20 week scan I was positive I was having a boy, and very excited about it, and I think I’d have almost been disappointed if it had been a girl 😂 however, it was indeed a boy and he’s just the most precious wonderful little thing. No different from any of my friends' little boys and girls in behaviour, feeding, sleep, affection etc.

This is exactly what I did, but mine was a girl!

I didn't find out gender until birth because I knew if I was told 'boy' at 20 week scan I would have been disappointed but the moment they placed him on my chest I can honestly say not one part of me felt disappointed. He is the biggest mummy's boy, so loving and sweet.

We are now ttc#2 and I hope we have another son. Maybe it's because I have a boy and know what to expect or just because I hope they would be best friends.

I always wanted girls - had a DD and was desperate to give her a sister - then I lost 7 babies in a row....I didn't care what I had after that so long as I got to bring a healthy baby home from the hospital.

My DS has always been loving, sensitive and very physical. He’s in that void at the moment where cuddles are a no go area,15-18, but I occasionally glimpse him stopping himself from wrapping himself around me so hopefully they will return.
He has a habit of over sharing with me so I am the keeper of many secrets about his social group. I know parents of some of his friends, particularly the girls would be horrified.
Boys tend be much less independent early on but for example have virtually no opinion on what clothes they wear. Girls, however, can be a bloody nightmare.

Just to add he is now 6’3” and is obsessed with rugby, beer and girls. It goes so quickly, whatever sex baby you have enjoy the ride!

When pregnant I could only imagine having a girl, I think because I'm female, is the only logical way I can articulate it. I have two boys. Absolutely brilliant, I love my house full of boys, wouldn't change it for anything.

Is it worth finding out the sex while pregnant so you can get any 'disappointment' out the way?

Agree with OnceUponAThread that it would be better to.find out the sex now, before the birth. All fine if you have a girl of course, but, if it's a boy, you don't want your first moments of meeting him to.be marred by disappointment. Better you learn early and come to terms with your feelings so meeting him can be a joyful experience.

I too didn’t find out the sex because I was worried about disappointment if it was a boy. I didn’t admit it at the time or even now in public. It was to do with being one of girls, and seeing lots of dysfunctional boy relationships around.

He came out and my biggest surprise was that I didn’t mind At All! He was - and Is- amazing. As is his brother. And (eventually) his sister. By which time I realised that children are different (so different!) and wonderful in all sorts of ways, not just their sex.

Good luck.

My DS is a complete mini-me if that helps at all. Super-affectionate (like a PP, I am also told I’m his “best friend” on a daily basis).

Loves all the same stuff as me, very similar personality to me. Likes swimming, nature, gymnastics, art. We’ve had some lovely times sitting together looking in rock pools or ponds, gardening, doing yoga in the park, or making art together.

Maybe if I was a massively girly girl whose interests were shopping and make-up he might not share my interests! But I think that would be a risk with a girl as well, not many four year olds are genuinely into fashion.

I had my little boy in April. My partner and I both have girls and fully expected that this one would be too. I didn't find out the sex, but was hoping for a girl, I suppose, if I'm honest as that's what we knew and I grew up with a sister and no brothers. After a very stressful and risky pregnancy it was decided to deliver the baby by C section early. I will never forget the doctor holding him up to us- I know it's 50/50 but we were honestly shocked he was a boy! The second I saw him, I loved him. I cannot imagine loving him anymore if he were a girl. He is beautiful, happy and very easygoing and has overcome his problems due to his prematurity. He's a brave little boy and we all absolutely adore him as you will your baby.

I have 3 DS's and they are wonderful. Aged between 10-14 now and I wouldn't change them for the world. I'm sure if I'd had 3 DD's I'd feel the same, you will thin your children are the best regardless of their sex.

I do remember not being able to see myself having a boy when I was pregnant with DS1 though. I didn't find out before the birth with any of them and, as a PP said, can only put it down to being female myself and imagining my own childhood and the things I'd want to relive. As it turns out, my three are all into different things and I enjoy doing all sorts with them. They are loving, kind, work hard at school and are well mannered.

FWIW, I am not the type of woman who goes for beauty treatments and spa days with my own mum so when people talk about doing girly stuff with a DD they forget that their DD may not be bothered about all that!

I know you say it doesn’t matter why but I actually think it is worth thinking about why you feel this way. Sounds like it might be because you come from a very female family, had very close relationships with your sisters and that’s just how you picture family life? That’s ok! I personally think it’s normal to have an image in your head based on your own experiences and feel temporarily disappointed if you end up with something different.

I think sometimes it can be a symptom of something deeper - for example the blogger The Unmumsy Mum has written about how disappointed she was when she found out she was having a boy - she desperately wanted a girl which she attributed to tragically losing her mum at a very early age, she wanted to recreate what she missed out on. Needless to say she obviously adores her boys now they’re here. Could there be anything like that at play for you?

For what it’s worth I have a boy and he really is wonderful!

I have a little boy. He’s 2 and he’s fantastic. He’s very cuddly and demands frequent hugs from me and from his daddy. He pulls my arms around himself when he wants a cuddle while we read stories. He is as obsessed with chocolate as I am. And he looks just like me as a toddler. There are traits he gets from his daddy too but the resemblance to old photos of me is striking. I know he’ll grow up into a tall young man one day but at the moment he is my mini me despite not being the same sex.

It really is a thing and I feel that many people suffer from the worry of gender disappointment but are too scared to speak out about it because of negative responses.
Im still pregnant with my first.
As soon as I told people I was pregnant everyone seemed sure that I was having a boy. Everyone said they could never see me with a girl. A girl wouldnt suit me apparently.
I told people I didnt mind what we have but deep down Ive always longed for a girl because as an only child, ive grown up in a heavily female sided family, worked in a female environment for 20 years and feel i know where i am more with girls.
DH always wanted a little sister when he was a child but got a brother who he isnt close to. His parents also wanted a grandaughter after having two sons.

We have been told at 3 scans now that were having a girl (keep having to check because i am not a fan of surprises).
Would i have been sad if baby was a boy?
Possibly a little but it wouldnt make me love the child any less.
Weve waited so long to be parents that a happy and healthy child is all I ask. It is a bonus were having a girl, but it isnt going to change how we will care for her.
Im glad we found out the sex when we did. I feel if youre worried about being disappointed, find out now so its not a shock later

I have boys. They are quiet. Very loving and affectionate. Funny. One is more sporty. The other like to dress up teddies and draw. Also loves helping me with jobs.

Try not go let this worry you and enjoy your pregnancy. Wait and see..either way you will love and nurture your new baby.

I felt like you and so wanted a girl, however I have 2 ds now and honestly I think I was meant to be a mum of boys!! I based my need for a girl on the great relationship I had with my dm but I have realised that I can and do have that relationship with my boys, it’s different but still as rich and wonderful.

And strangers have told me having boys is awful

WTAF? Why would strangers even be commenting on this? Weird.

I'll be honest in my first pregnancy I secretly wanted a girl, I found out the sex 'to give my self time to prepare' but honestly after an hour or so of knowing it was a boy the disappointment faded and once they handed him to me the gender really didn't matter. I loved him instantly.

With my second pregnancy, I honestly didn't care, two boys together would have been lovely for my eldest but having one of each was lovely too.

My second was a girl, and truthfully if she has been first I'm not sure there would have been a second lol. I love her to bits, love doing 'girly' stuff together but she is generally much harder work then my son. Personality wise, he is much more my 'mini me', so that's not guaranteed by having a girl.

You will love your baby regardless of gender or personality, I can promise you that.

These feelings will instantly go when the baby is here, for sure. And boys are wonderful and affectionate and hilarious. (as are girls I'm sure but I have two boys and experienced the same thing in pregnancy re expectation!)

I have a son and he is my mini me

I have a girl and was slightly disappointed when I found out my second was also a girl, part of me wanted one of each. That disappeared the second I saw her.

I adore her and I'm so happy she is who she is, the connection you feel to an actual baby in your arms is so much stronger than the one you feel when you are pregnant.

And if you have hopes of a girl being a guaranteed "mini me" I'm here to say my little girl is a carbon copy of her dad 😂 not one single feature is me! My stepbrothers son is the image of his mum. Boys looking like dad and girls looking like mum is in no way a given.