Are all children this badly behaved?

[nairn]

I am preggers and had some friends with children round on saturday. One is 3 the other is 18 months.
They were a complete nightmare. Screaming, destroying my house, throwing tantrums. My poor mate couldn't even have a converstation for running around trying to stop them tearing down my Christmas tree - she can't have one because they would do the same in their own house.
I have been left feeling very worried that this is what the future holds for me.
I know kids will be kids but this was a living hell.
How do you stop that happening to you and continue to have a normal life of some sort?
I must admit I'm feeling really down about the whole thing now.
She said things like 'all this lovely stuff will have to go' and I couldn't' help thinking 'but I don't want my house turned into toys r us!' I like my nice home and I don't want a child - my own or someone elses - to destroy it!
Help! Tell me it's not always like this!

looks back fondly on my 'oh no it won't happen to me, my baby will fit in with my life' stage of first pregnancy and sighs

I am a very different parent to the one you hope to be so you may wish to disregard my opinions

Saying that, if I might tentatively suggest something? try not to worry about the mess and chaos, if you focus overly on minimising the impact you baby has on your life you may end actually minimising the enjoyment you get. Because when you see you baby tearing up mountains of tissue you think - oh no what a waste! what a mess! instead of laughing and thinking ooh my genius has learnt the pincer grasp!

Slur I don't want to disregard your opinion - or anyone's aslong as they are being constructive. I do take your point (thank you) and I'm not so worried about my house that I won't enjoy raising my child in it.
I just don't go with the 'because I'm a mum all I can do is focus on my wonderful my child is and forget that they are being a monster' school of thought!
I remember watching my sister in law allowing my nephew to trample bread into my carpet and I thinking how unnecessary it was as I bit my tongue and smiled. She said something to the effect of 'isn't he clever' to which I thought well he might be but does my carpet have to be ruined so we can see his genius?!
tearing up tissues I can live with - tearing off wallpaper I cannot! It's all about balance.

I'm really firm with my children regarding respect for other people; I don't believe they are the centre of other people's universe, just of mine; I frown on tantrums and overly loud voices in public; I make it clear that other people in the street have the right to walk unincumbered by a small child

I have pleasant, easy-going children who have great manners, understand what a 'restaurant voice' is and can take them anywhere I want to

But it is extremely different from the way I imagined I would be in first pregnancy - in fact I am a totally different person - I am a far nicer, more completed person than I was before this parental dimension hit my character

just take it a day at a time and don't sweat about other people's children

1.WOMEN:TO PREPARE FOR MATERNITY, PUT ON A DRESSING GOWN AND STICK A BEANBAG DOWN THE FRONT. LEAVE IT THERE FOR 9 MONTHS. AFTER 9 MONTHS, TAKE OUT 10% OF THE BEANS.

2.MEN: TO PREPARE FOR PATERNITY, GO TO THE LOCAL DRUG STORE, TIP THE CONTENTS OF YOUR WALLET ONTO THE COUNTER AND TELL THE PHARMACIST TO HELP HIMSELF. THEN GO TO THE SUPERMARKET AND ARRANGE TO HAVE YOUR SALARY PAID DIRECTLY TO THEIR HEAD OFFICE. GO HOME, PICK UP THE PAPER AND READ IT FOR THE LAST TIME.

3.BEFORE HAVING CHILDREN, FIND A COUPLE WITH CHILDREN AND BERATE THEM ABOUT THEIR METHODS OF DISCIPLINE, LACK OF PATIENCE, LOW TOLERANCE AND HOW THEY ALLOW THEIR CHILDREN TO RUN RIOT. SUGGEST WAYS THEY MIGHT IMPROVE THEIR CHILD?S SLEEPING HABITS, TOILET TRAINING, TABLE MANNERS AND OVERALL BEHAVIOUR. ENJOY IT ? IT WILL BE THE LAST TIME YOU WILL HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.

4.TO DISCOVER HOW THE NIGHTS WILL FEEL, WALK AROUND THE LIVING ROOM FROM 5PM TO 10PM CARRYING A WET BAG WEIGHING APPOX 8-12 LBS. AT 10PM PUT THE BAG DOWN, SET THE ALARM FOR MIDNIGHT AND GO TO SLEEP. GET UP AT 12 AND WALK AROUND THE LIVING ROOM WITH THE BAG TILL 1AM. PUT THE ALARM ON FOR 3AM. AS YOU CANNOT GET BACK TO SLEEP, GET UP AGAIN AT 2AM AND MAKE A DRINK. GO TO BED AT 2.45AM. GET UP AGAIN AT 3AM WHEN THE ALARM GOES OFF. SING SONGS IN THE DARK TILL 4AM. PUT THE ALARM ON FOR 5AM. GET UP. MAKE BREAKFAST. KEEP THIS UP FOR 5 YEARS. LOOK CHEERFUL.

5.CAN YOU STAND THE MESS CHILDREN MAKE? TO FIND OUT, SMEAR PEANUT BUTTER ON THE SOFA AND JAM ON THE CURTAINS. HIDE A FISH FINGER BEHIND THE STEREO AND LEAVE IT THERE ALL SUMMER. STICK YOUR FINGERS IN THE FLOWERBEDS AND THEN RUB THEM ON CLEAN WALLS. COVER THE STAINS WITH CRAYONS. HOW DOES THAT LOOK?

6.DRESSING SMALL CHILDREN IS NOT AS EASY AS IT SEEMS. FIRST BUY AN OCTOPUS AND A STRING BAG. ATTEMPT TO PUT THE OCTOPUS INTO THE STRING BAG SO THAT NONE OF THE ARMS HANG OUT. TIME ALLOWED FOR THIS: ALL MORNING.

7.FORGET THE MIATA AND BUY A TAURUS AND DON?T THINK YOU CAN LEAVE IT ON THE DRIVEWAY SHINING AND SPOTLESS. FAMILY CARS DON?T LOOK LIKE THAT. BUY A CHOCOLATE ICECREAM BAR AND PUT IT IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT. LEAVE IT THERE. GET A COIN AND STICK IT IN THE CASSETTE PLAYER. TAKE A FAMILY SIZED PACKET OF CHOCOLATE BISCUITS AND MASH THEM DOWN THE BACK SEATS. RUN THE GARDEN RAKE ALONG BOTH SIDES OF THE CAR. THERE. PERFECT.

8.GET READY TO GO OUT. WAIT OUTSIDE THE TOILET FOR HALF AN HOUR. GO OUT THE FRONT DOOR, WALK UP THE PATH AND WALK BACK DOWN IT. WALK UP IT AGAIN. WALK VERY SLOWLY DOWN THE ROAD FOR 5 MINUTES, STOPPING TO INSPECT MINUTELY EVERY CIGARETTE END, PIECE OF USED CHEWING GUM, DIRTY TISSUE AND DEAD INSECT ALONG THE WAY. RETRACE YOUR STEPS. SCREAM THAT YOU HAVE HAD AS MUCH AS YOU CAN TAKE, UNTIL THE NEIGHBOURS COME OUT AND STARE AT YOU. GIVE UP AND GO BACK INTO THE HOUSE. YOU ARE NOW JUST ABOUT READY TO TRY TAKING A SMALL CHILD FOR A WALK.

9.ALWAYS REPEAT EVERYTHING YOU SAY 5 TIMES.

10.GO TO YOUR LOCAL SUPERMARKET. TAKE WITH YOU THE NEAREST THING YOU CAN FIND TO A PRE SCHOOL CHILD- A FULLY GROWN GOAT FOR EXAMPLE. IF YOU INTEND MORE THAN ONE CHILD TAKE MORE THAN ONE GOAT. BUY YOUR WEEKLY GROCERIES WITHOUT LETTING THE GOATS OUT OF YOUR SIGHT. PAY FOR EVERYTHING THE GOATS EAT OR DESTROY. UNTIL YOU CAN EASILY ACCOMPLISH THIS DO NOT EVEN CONTEMPLATE HAVING CHILDREN.

11.HOLLOW OUT A MELON. MAKE A SMALL HOLE IN THE SIDE. SUSPEND IT FROM THE CEILING AND SWING IT FROM SIDE TO SIDE. NOW GET A BOWL OF SOGGY WEETABIX AND ATTEMPT TO SPOON IT INTO THE SWAYING MELON BY PRETENDING TO BE AN AEROPLANE. CONTINUE UNTIL HALF THE WEETABIX IS GONE AND THEN TIP THE REST INTO YOUR LAP, MAKING SURE A LOT OF IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. YOU ARE NOW READY TO FEED A 12 MONTH OLD BABY.

12.LEARN THE NAMES OF EVERY CHARACTER FROM POSTMAN PAT, FIREMAN SAM AND BOB THE BUILDER. WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF SINGING POSTMAN PAT AT WORK, YOU FINALLY QUALIFY AS A PARENT.

Ha ha that did make me laugh! Thankfully I know most of that won't apply to me for a number of reasons but it did amuse me! Thanks!

There are also the (much larger in my experience) group who don't want to terrify anyone but do want to gently suggest that you shouldn't have too many preconceptions and need to be able to go with the flow when you see what hand life has dealt you regarding childbirth or any aspect of childrearing. Sometimes these may come across as horror stories, but by and large they aren't intended that way and in fact often the person involved would be surprised to have it taken that way. The message they think they are sending is "This and this and this happened, and it wasn't what I'd wanted, but you know what? It was OK, and I managed, and I'm probably a better person for the experience" but the message that gets across is "This and this and this happened, and it wasn't what I'd wanted".

You stand a very good chance (no guarantees, but a very good chance) of being able to raise a child who doesn't deliberately trample bread into your carpet. It is entirely the luck of the draw, and no amount of brilliant parenting from you will affect it, whether you get a baby who is prone to repeatedly projectile vomiting all over it (reflux, pyloric stenosis, whooping cough, or "just one of those unclassified baby things" can all cause this). There is a distinctly limited extent to which your parenting will affect whether it gets weed on when you are potty training your child. Ultimately your "normal life" (and normal carpet) gets disrupted one way or the other, unless you are lucky enough to get a child who doesn't vomit and potty trains like a dream with no regressions.

I'm sorry, but a lot depends on the nature of your child. They can all be mostly trained eventually but there will still be those who can not be let loose in a room of china ornaments and pristine furnishings. And most of the time its got chuff all to do with parenting technique.

Er Nairn why won't most of what sparkly said not apply to you ?

Nairn
can i just tell you a story which may help explain what some of the others are trying to?

My Dc's are pretty well behaved - many wopuld say very well bahaved. Ds2 has profound learning difficulties ( now he really would be difficult to teach to be tidy butthat is another story). We had just had the boys bedroom redorated in our new house. Ds1( age 10) had asked for walls the colour of the sky and it looked beautiful. When we went in there the first night to put the boys to bed we imediately saw that DS2 (age 7) had written his name all over one wall, in biro, in letters about 8 inches high. Dh, DS1 and I imdediately hugged each other and kissed him and cried. It was the first time he had ever written his name and we had no idea he could write.

So my point is that it ultimately IS all about your child. You wll love them and understand them and whilst you will try and encourage your beliefs and principle and methods you will find that you put their needs first.

And sometimes a child can play up because they are frustrated or tired or they just find stuff difficult.

DS1 is the nicest child alive but cannot keep his room tidy for all his effort and all my nagging. But I love him and he is doing his best. We have a base line and they are good kids - but not perfect all the time.

Ultimately it should be all about your child. So try not to decide where the bar should be until you have met them

sparkly - classic!

Rookie - it's probably that rosie pregnancy state when you think your child will be easy, placid and sleep all the time. It's the same as when you fill in the birth plan and you put "I'd like a mobile labour with no pain relief please". Snort.

Message withdrawn

it applies to everyone, I think

'I suppose it just comes as a bit of shock to think that your life that you are totally happy with will be turn upside down' - well clearly you're not totally happy with your life at the moment, or you wouldn't have chosen to change it in such a dramatic way as having a child.

I really agree with SoupDragon on this one - it depends so much on the child. I had high ideals and visions of what parenthood would be like before I had dd, but thy have had to change due to her nature. She is adorable, but very spirited, and no parenting technique could have changed that.

Aww Pagwatch.

It's so true. If my dd breaks her biscuit in half and gives a bit to her brother I don't care that she is getting crumbs all over the floor - I can hoover up the crumbs.

oh my I'm intrigued now

please list the 'number of reasons' why it won't apply to you

I think you can housetrain your child. Especially if it's an only one. It is dependent on the child too but it can still be done. But it's bl*ody hard work which is why so many people just decide to fight the battles they have to win or are important to them - ie sitting and eating nicely, being polite, doing Ok at school, being considerate to others etc, rather than stressing about making their children perfectly calm and quiet in public.

And I'd be prepared to bet that even the perfect ones have their moments .

I remember reading the Baby Whisperer when I was pg with ds1. I decided I would have an "angel baby" or a "textbook baby" and I read up all about them. What a bloody waste of time.

Yes, why will it not apply?

exactly Kathy

and when every art kit is emptied and there's glitter all over my table and floor and a painted handprint on the toilet door it doesn't phase me because there's a picture made just for me and it's "that's you" "that's me" "that's my bruvver" "and that's daddy"

a) it depends on the child. My DS of a similar wouldn't do this, but ony because he'd be busy bending the ear off anyone in a 5-mile radius with endless yammering and made-up songs, which some might find equally tiresome (though of course I find it enchanting) - children all have their own ways and all are very different - I know some who would wreck the place, others who would stand there meekly and not say a peep for 2 hours.

b) but, I do think it also depends on the parenting to some extent - of those with riotous children, some parents do seem to just take it lying down, while others do get much firmer much sooner. For example your friend says she can't have a xmas tree because of the kids - I think she'd be better having a small one out of reach, or even having one and then being very firm about them not trashing it. Kids can and do learn even at that age and if they grow up around stuff that they have to respect, I think that helps them learn self-control. They were probably very excited and ott about your xmas tree precisely because they can't have one - in that sense, by givig up on them and never expecting them to control themselves, your friend isn't really helping.

of a similar age

Great post pagwitch and seconded Kathy.

There are plenty of things which cause apparant chaos but have good qualities.

Behaviour that is classed as kids being monsters is very separate from kids creating mess though they are often related

I never ever judge parents on their dcs tantrums because I know there are just too many circumstances I couldn't possibly know about. So much depends on the indivdual child, yes. and so much on that particular day/mood/health/eating/sleep/previous misconduct/fresh air/waythewindisblowing.....

If you don't want a toyrus home only allow tasteful wooden toys to be bought
If you don't want visable mess - go out, a lot
If you want a dc who never tantrums - good luck
If you feel down about the future - don't worry it really will be fine and at some point you'll be able to kick the toys out the way, move the soggy muslins, sit down with a glass of wine and feel smug and know that you are able to be an adult and have a gorgeous beby!

Snowleopard - at the risk of being shouted down - I totally agree with you. And I think your child sounds lovely - I adore kids who want to chat and tell me stories. Have a neice like that and I could play with her for hours.

ps would rather not list all the reasons it won't apply for fear of being judged/told off/hated! There are a few I'm sure I will have to deal with though. Having dressed my neices and nephews plenty of times I know how wriggly they can be!