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Original poster

Fathers at scans and generally being treated as unimportant

95 replies

Dizzysheep · 12/10/2021 15:36

Hi all I was just wondering what trusts you are in and what scans are your partners allowed too?

We’ve been having fertility treatment finally have a bfp which means we have an 8 week viability scan but he’s not allowed in with me.

I think two things I want him to be there as I feel he has a right to listen to the babies heart beat for the first time and this should be something we should hear together for the first time. Also, due to the fertility treatment it’s an anxious time for him too and if it does happen to be a miscarriage he should be there.

I know others have been in this situation but I feel that this restriction is now one where it is beginning to breach a fathers human rights.

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AdriannaP · 12/10/2021 15:38

Can you ask for an exception? I had a high risk pregnancy after several Mcs so first scan was very anxious for us both. DH was allowed to all scans, now partners are allowed to all scans anyway (In South East England).

Glassofshloer · 12/10/2021 15:42

I think you’re going OTT with your talk of human rights etc.

Is this due to COVID? You could always pay for a private scan, I’m fairly certain he could come in with you then?

timeisnotaline · 12/10/2021 15:49

I’m very sympathetic to wanting the father there. I’m in aust and my partner could come to scan a week ago but not to the obstetrician appt afterwards. But, in the context of the articles in the last few days saying 1 in 5 of the critical condition covid cases in the UK are unvaccinated pregnant women I would understand if high level precautions are taken that mean he might not be able to go.

thecapitalsunited · 12/10/2021 15:52

At my trust fathers are allowed to all antenatal appointments now. What’s your trust’s justification for going against national NHS guidelines (in England at least) from December 2020?

At 8 weeks I don’t think you’ll hear a heartbeat but you will see the heart flickering away on the screen if all is well.

ShiMo · 12/10/2021 15:58

Sadly, think this has been the case for many people during Covid. It’s a stretch calling it a human rights issue though!!

Cases are going up again so I’m not surprised if they tighten restrictions sooner rather than later.

What fertility treatment did you have? I’m pregnant with an IVF baby after several years of TTC, surgeries and a failed round so I can understand your anxiety. However, my husband wasn’t allowed in for any of the scans nor the embryo transfers during IVF. And that was a private clinic. Was your husband allowed in for those things, if you had IVF?

It all depends on the clinic or Trusts policies, but as PP said you could ask for an exception or pay for a private one and see if they’ll let hubby in. But think you need to be prepared for a winter in the NHS where Covid and flu are circulating and you may have to attend scans alone, like so many of us do.

AwkwardPaws27 · 12/10/2021 15:59

DH wasn't allowed into my recent scan at the EPAU (hx of recurrent miscarriage so they scanned me early). We'll probably book a private one (about £70 round here) if he can't come in to the next one.
Tbh he was happy with me relaying the information & just knowing that it's in the right place & viable this time.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 12/10/2021 16:00

Mine wasn’t allowed to any EPU scans - I had to have two; for bleeding. He was allowed to the 12 and 20 week scans. He can’t come to consultant appointments, but he can come to midwife ones.

He’s only allowed with me when I’m in active labour, and visiting slots are still limited…

It’s not great, but you get by. You can probably call him to hear the heartbeat with you; or record it.

Hope478 · 12/10/2021 16:00

Unfortunately, your husband doesn't have a 'right' to be there and your trust has to decide what is best for all expecting mothers.

I was pregnant during a lockdown. My baby was measuring small and I was rushed to hospital. My husband had to stand outside and I felt so alone and frightened, as did he. That's what the trust felt was best for us all though - as few people in the hospital as possible. Only the necessary.

I hope everything goes well for you and baby x

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/10/2021 16:03

I appreciate you have additional concerns but you have to get your head around the idea that your nhs appointments are solely about your health as the patient. Starting to say a father has human rights opens a huge can of worms.

Pumperthepumper · 12/10/2021 16:03

They’re doing it specifically to check on the baby though, it’s not for your husband’s benefit. I can understand why you’d want him there but they don’t owe him anything.

Hope all goes well anyway Flowers

Viviennemary · 12/10/2021 16:04

Im not very sympsthetic I'm afraid. Fathers being at scans years ago was never a thing. You are the patient not your partner. If poeple want bells and trimmings they should go private IMHO. The NHS is hard pushed enough without worrying about this kind of stuff.

ShiMo · 12/10/2021 16:09

@thecapitalsunited

At my trust fathers are allowed to all antenatal appointments now. What’s your trust’s justification for going against national NHS guidelines (in England at least) from December 2020?

At 8 weeks I don’t think you’ll hear a heartbeat but you will see the heart flickering away on the screen if all is well.

Good point about heartbeat not being audible at that stage.

At my trust, fathers are now allowed for scans but not at midwife appts for some reason. So my DH didn’t get to hear our baby’s heartbeat for the first time at my 16 week appointment, which was very special and I was sad he missed it. My midwife let me record it though.

trumpisagit · 12/10/2021 16:09

That is definitely not a human rights issue.
He doesn't need to be there, he is not the patient.

thecapitalsunited · 12/10/2021 16:11

If the NHS is that badly pushed why are the current guidelines to allow fathers to all antenatal appointments? The guidance specifically recognises that expectant mothers need support. Christ every thread on here where people want a bare fucking minimum of decent care is met by ‘well I had to do it without so why can’t you’ as if we should never strive to improve maternity care.

Cattitudes · 12/10/2021 16:12

Starting to say a father has human rights opens a huge can of worms.

Exactly, what happens if the partner is abusive or raped the woman. Whilst I understand it isn't great for you and you want him there, I don't think he has a right to be there. Do look into private clinics who might be more accommodating.

FionnulaTheCooler · 12/10/2021 16:13

Your husband isn't being denied his human rights, he isn't the patient in your pregnancy and isn't being denied access to medical care. I know you are worried about going into the scan alone in case you don't get a good outcome, I wish you the best of luck with this scan and the rest of the pregnancy.

Hope478 · 12/10/2021 16:14

@thecapitalsunited

If the NHS is that badly pushed why are the current guidelines to allow fathers to all antenatal appointments? The guidance specifically recognises that expectant mothers need support. Christ every thread on here where people want a bare fucking minimum of decent care is met by ‘well I had to do it without so why can’t you’ as if we should never strive to improve maternity care.
It would have been GREAT to have my husband with me. However, I didn't want everyone else's husband's around me when I didn't know where they had been, in a covid hotspot in the North West, so I was glad my trust had my best interests at heart and all the other mums.
mummyh2016 · 12/10/2021 16:16

Fathers are allowed to all antenatal appointments at my hospital (West Midlands) as long as they do a negative LFT beforehand.
I did find with my scans though I had to go in first on my own then he could come in half way through.

NailsNeedDoing · 12/10/2021 16:16

Are you talking about on the NHS or a private provider?

If private, you’re absolutely right, being able to have someone come in with you would just be part of the service you are paying for.

NHS, not so much. The father has no rights at all, and it’s not that they are considered unimportant, it’s that they are superfluous to your medical need at the time of your pregnancy appointments. The NHS isn’t there to provide you with lovely pregnancy experiences, they are there to keep you and your baby safe and healthy. That is all.

You are free to buy one of those things that they use to listen to your baby’s heart and use it yourself if it’s so important for you both to hear it together for the first time.

RobinPenguins · 12/10/2021 16:18

@thecapitalsunited

If the NHS is that badly pushed why are the current guidelines to allow fathers to all antenatal appointments? The guidance specifically recognises that expectant mothers need support. Christ every thread on here where people want a bare fucking minimum of decent care is met by ‘well I had to do it without so why can’t you’ as if we should never strive to improve maternity care.
This - I don’t think it’s right that some trusts are still excluding partners from scans. Scans are usually a happy event but they’re not always, and women may need support.

OP you won’t hear the heartbeat at 8 weeks, but would see a flicker on the screen.

SickAndTiredAgain · 12/10/2021 16:22

Human rights 🙄

I can completely see why you want him there, I’m currently 6 weeks pregnant and not sure what the current rules are at our hospital but I hope DH can come for our 12 week scan. But to talk about human rights is obviously absurd.

QforCucumber · 12/10/2021 16:29

It is not a human rights breach, Christ I gave birth in the height of Lockdown last year and DH wasn't allowed to be at most things, I was the patient - it is mine and the baby's health which are important not his. Yes moral support would have been nice (especially when I was alone for 8 hours until active labour) but it is not a Human Rights issue.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 12/10/2021 16:32

Our trust allows dads/partners to attend the 12 and 20 week scans. That’s it. I had a really heavy bleed, and had to attend the epu alone.

Scirocco · 12/10/2021 16:32

I had to go to all our fertility appointments alone due to Covid, but DP was allowed to come to the 12 and 20 week scans. He's also allowed to come to my appointments but has to wait outside until called in rather than being in the waiting room.

It does feel like birth partners get excluded a bit, which is a shame, but it's generally for good reasons - infection control is really important and I'd rather have clinics be rigorous about it than have them be too relaxed and put people at risk.

What you could do is book a private scan for a bit before your official NHS appointment, so that you can have a shared experience?

Bells3032 · 12/10/2021 16:34

it's not a human right so don't go down that path as you just sound like a spoilt brat.

Saying that yes he should be able to come to all scans. My hospital allows partners to all scans but they have to wait outside until they get called in...even for the sonographer's sake if something goes wrong they shouldn't have to be the one comforting a mother alone