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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Fathers at scans and generally being treated as unimportant

95 replies

Dizzysheep · 12/10/2021 15:36

Hi all I was just wondering what trusts you are in and what scans are your partners allowed too?

We’ve been having fertility treatment finally have a bfp which means we have an 8 week viability scan but he’s not allowed in with me.

I think two things I want him to be there as I feel he has a right to listen to the babies heart beat for the first time and this should be something we should hear together for the first time. Also, due to the fertility treatment it’s an anxious time for him too and if it does happen to be a miscarriage he should be there.

I know others have been in this situation but I feel that this restriction is now one where it is beginning to breach a fathers human rights.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ThirdElephant · 12/10/2021 18:33

Yes, as pp said the heartbeat isn't generally audible at 8 week scans. You'll just see a bean shape with a flickering blob in it if all is well.

mummyh2016 · 12/10/2021 18:33

I've had private scans at 8 weeks in both of my pregnancy's and heard the heartbeat both times.

Confused521 · 12/10/2021 19:19

@Pumperthepumper

Go private. You won't be treated like a sick person but a couple having a baby.

You’re not a couple having a baby though. You’ll be a couple caring for a baby, but for just now, only one of you is having a baby.

Well, I could have done it without him ;)

In all seriousness, I'm not sure when we all turned into automatons and suddenly found it so easy to disregard the need for a support network but anyway. If there was a valid reason for keeping partners away in these moments and the 'policy' was fair and consistent across the board then that's easier to swallow but there isn't and it's not.

Pompom2367 · 12/10/2021 19:22

I'm in Scotland and dp has been allowed to all appointments and scans

Confused521 · 12/10/2021 19:25

@Pumperthepumper

Go private. You won't be treated like a sick person but a couple having a baby.

You’re not a couple having a baby though. You’ll be a couple caring for a baby, but for just now, only one of you is having a baby.

OK, you're not sick, you're a woman hsving a baby;)

Also, isn't treating a citizen as if they're a walking contagion when they are not and restricting their movement is a HR violation?

Totally sympathise with the OP here and would suggest going private. I went to Ultrasound Direct twice and it was the most wonderful experience it could be AND it ticked all of the medical boxes.

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/10/2021 19:29

Totally bemused at you won't be treated like a sick person.
What does this even mean?

daffodils123 · 12/10/2021 19:30

LOL @ "beginning to breach a fathers human rights"

So many MN threads with delusional people when it comes to the NHS and service they should offer

Of course it isn't a father's human right. Hospitals have a duty to do their best to deliver safe babies and protect the mums.

Particularly with all the press around low vaccination numbers amongst pregnant women & increased miscarriage & still birth etc it is no surprise that men aren't allowed at all scans for no reason.

I do hope that it changes for you in any event as most hospitals now do let dads in, and that he will be allowed in fully for your delivery etc. but the human rights breach is a definite stretch!

neededafart · 12/10/2021 19:35

@timeisnotaline

I’m very sympathetic to wanting the father there. I’m in aust and my partner could come to scan a week ago but not to the obstetrician appt afterwards. But, in the context of the articles in the last few days saying 1 in 5 of the critical condition covid cases in the UK are unvaccinated pregnant women I would understand if high level precautions are taken that mean he might not be able to go.

This is a really good point actually.

Confused521 · 12/10/2021 19:38

@GreyhoundG1rl

Totally bemused at you won't be treated like a sick person. What does this even mean?

You're in hospital and referred to as a "patient". Your partner is assumed to be a danger to public health so not allowed through the door...yadda yadda.

neededafart · 12/10/2021 19:38

I really sympathise. But these are medical appointments the main objective is to make sure mum and baby are medically are for. The father looking at the scan is nice for him, but not essential. I imagine you can take video and pictures for him.

Shmithecat2 · 12/10/2021 19:40

The father has absolutely no rights at all regarding the baby until its born. Long may that last. I understand why you want him there, but it's nothing to do with breaching his human rights if your LHA/trust aren't allowing fathers to attend scans.

Confused521 · 12/10/2021 19:44

There are like, 14 pregnant women in ICU at the moment (out of over 500,000). I'll grab the stats for ref in a minute. How does having a partner there on the day, (especially if he's had a test, his quotation of jabs wears something over his mouth and lives with mother) mitigate the spread?

It's a cruel policy based on very little at all. Fight it or go private. The bureaucracy isn't worth the stress and hassle.

KitKatKit · 12/10/2021 19:45

We're still in the middle of a pandemic OP.
Millions of women, myself included, fell pregnant before the start of it and ended up going to scans,appointments, and the majority of labour, alone. The rules have been the rules for 18 months. You'll have to manage, regardless of what they are.

Mymapuddlington · 12/10/2021 19:46

It will be due to covid and I’m sorry but he’s not actually important from a medical view point. It’s all about you and baby.

Aranciata · 12/10/2021 20:01

I've also had IVF treatment and am currently pregnant. Some appointments were difficult alone but it was that or wait indefinitely for the pandemic to be over.

I've had several private pregnancy scans with DH, at the second one we heard the heartbeat and that was before 9 weeks.

The midwife at my 16 week appointment let me record the heartbeat. Apparently DH could have come in but they'd said no partners when I was given the appointment date so he hadn't done a lateral flow test.
He has been allowed to attend NHS scans so far.

A dear friend got bad news at her 12 week scan, it sounds awful having to go through that alone. Sorry to @WatchOutLurkerAbout for your experiences and anyone else.

What @MindyStClaire says is true about many people receiving awful news or facing scary appointments alone. I don't think a humane approach has necessarily been applied in some cases which is awful for families.

Hope your scan goes well OP but in your shoes I'd book a private one first so you can attend together.

Hope478 · 12/10/2021 20:02

OP is a patient.
Idk what someone is going on about saying that she should to private to not be treated like a "sick person". She is having medical observations. A patient.

Having a baby isn't all rainbows and butterflies and ooooo isn't that cute on the scan.

justwantobeamum · 12/10/2021 20:16

You won't hear a HB at 8 wk scan. Could you FaceTime him?

redandwhite1 · 12/10/2021 20:18

In wales fathers / another person can come in with you so long they show evidence of a negative lateral flow

Surprised to be honest some hospitals still don't allow it

Mymapuddlington · 12/10/2021 20:19

Just seen you’re 8 weeks. It will likely be an internal scan, they’ll be looking at if it’s implanted and the sac etc you won’t see much at all. Also 21 weeks and haven’t heard babies heartbeat so you have a bit of a wait. At the 12 and 20 week scan he will be allowed with you.

Chessie678 · 12/10/2021 20:21

Partners are now allowed to scans where I am but there are still restrictions on visiting in hospital and you still can't have your partner with you until you are in active labour.

I had my first baby at the start of the first lockdown. The restrictions definitely didn't make me safer. I'd say that they made the care borderline negligent and I still get upset when I think about my birth experience. I was left for hours in a room alone at the start of labour when I had complications with my husband outside in the care. Then afterwards, the hospital I was at was set up to rely on partners helping with the baby in the ward. The midwives just didn't have time. So my husband was turfed out a couple of hours after our baby was born and I was then left alone with the baby after 48 hours awake and a traumatic labour. There was essentially no support from midwives in the 24 hours I was on the ward. I should have just discharged myself. One of my friends who had a baby at the same time fainted when trying to get up to sort out her baby after trying to call the midwife and hit her head (thankfully wasn't holding the baby at the time). Our babies were then left with essentially no medical care after leaving hospital for months. I've been left very cynical as to whether these restrictions are for women's or babies' benefit.

I can't see that having a partner from the same household with a woman for a scan when the vast majority of people are vaccinated or have had covid presents a significant additional risk anyway.

Maternity care had its issues pre-covid but at least there was some attempt to move it beyond the bare bones of keeping baby and mother alive. Now wanting anything more than that seems to be characterised as "precious". There was so much talk in my antenatal classes and from my midwife before I gave birth about how important it is to have support in labour / afterwards and having choice over your care etc and that was immediately thrown out the window and 18 months later appears to have been scrapped in favour of the "safety" of being separated from your support network and not being able to access in person services or medical care.

MindyStClaire · 12/10/2021 20:26

I've been pondering this thread over dinner and bedtime. It's not the first of its type I've been on.

I'm going to express this badly, but I hope my general point comes across. It's not meant meanly,I promise, like I said I had a baby last year so I get it.

I think what annoys me on these threads is that it's never "I think hospital patients should be allowed have support at vital appointments", but "my husband should be allowed at my scan". There's rarely an understanding that a maternity unit is just one part of a much bigger hospital and trust. I think it's because as a whole pregnant women are a very healthy cohort and are often having their first or most significant engagement with the NHS and so have slightly unrealistic expectations. I don't like the word precious, it's meaner than what I mean here but I'm struggling for the right word. Naive maybe?

Roguehair · 12/10/2021 20:26

@GreyhoundG1rl

Strictly speaking, the father is unimportant at a scan. They're scanning the baby to make sure all is well, it's not just so the proud parents can have a sneak preview.

This. That scan has absolutely nothing to do with the father. Hope that helps.

olivehater · 12/10/2021 20:28

We are having partners in. I think it is good. But To be honest people have started taking the mic. Partners coming in without masks or hanging off their faces or saying they are exempt. People bringing kids, Parents or friends instead. The friends thing is a particular bugbear. You can’t ask in case they are a birthing partner. The waiting room is full and it is a risk to largely unvaccinated pregnant women as well as staff.
All this when you still can’t get a face to face appointment with a physio, for example, the same trust. But sonographers have been in the firing line from day one, so no change there.

Just so you know you don’t listen to the heart beat in any scan.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/10/2021 20:28

Have people seen the statistics of unvaccinated pregnant women and covid? Caution is a good idea. He is neither the patient, nor attached to the patient.

There are private scans for the other stuff.

multiplemum3 · 12/10/2021 20:30

Human rights lol?

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