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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Fathers at scans and generally being treated as unimportant

95 replies

Dizzysheep · 12/10/2021 15:36

Hi all I was just wondering what trusts you are in and what scans are your partners allowed too?

We’ve been having fertility treatment finally have a bfp which means we have an 8 week viability scan but he’s not allowed in with me.

I think two things I want him to be there as I feel he has a right to listen to the babies heart beat for the first time and this should be something we should hear together for the first time. Also, due to the fertility treatment it’s an anxious time for him too and if it does happen to be a miscarriage he should be there.

I know others have been in this situation but I feel that this restriction is now one where it is beginning to breach a fathers human rights.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

GuidingSpirit · 12/10/2021 16:43

I think 8 week scans after fertility treatment are treated differently. We had fertility treatment last year - DH wasn't allowed in with me as the scan was an internal scan in the assisted conception unit. He waited in the hospital coffee shop and the doctor let me take a photo on my phone of the screen (she did print off an image but the quality wasn't very good). We booked a private 10 week scan for him.

Once i was transferred to maternity, he was allowed to all scans - standard 12 and 20 week scans, plus i had two growth scans at 28 and 36 weeks.

Congrats on your bfp!

WatchOutLurkerAbout · 12/10/2021 16:46

I had two miscarriages and the surgical procedures that go with them completely alone through lockdown. I also conceived and carried my current pregnancy since feb this year. I've been to every appointment on my own bar the 20 week scan. Honestly it's been hell, scary, lonely and completely heartbreaking at times. But those were the rules and for good reason so we dealt with it. We stayed in touch keeping calls open and he waited outside for me.

What made it so much worse was having to listen to staff explaining over and over again to irate male partners at entrances to wards that they couldn't come in. It's hard for all of us, but the rules were clear and taking it out on the staff on the day and causing disruption and fear for the women inside the ward is not acceptable. This literally happened at every appointment I went to.

Lorw · 12/10/2021 16:46

Book a private scan that’s what we did at 8 weeks after fertility treatment. You won’t be able to hear heartbeat that early on so don’t worry. Partners are allowed to attend the 12 and 20 week scans at most hospitals now.

MindyStClaire · 12/10/2021 16:50

I think patients still aren't allowed have a family member with them at lots of appointments? I'm out of touch now but we had three family members diagnosed with cancer during the lockdowns, two of whom sadly died. Spouses were allowed for the big appointments (as in, we're referring you to palliative care) but not the routine stuff and there were no visits in the hospital until the end of life stage.

Very very hard but also understandable - in our circle we know of one man in his 60s who went into hospital in reasonable health but caught covid there and died from it, and another who was terminally ill with cancer but caught covid asymptomatically as an inpatient which then meant his family were unable to visit him even for end of life care.

It is indeed shit to have the restrictions when you're pregnant (I had a baby last summer), but hospitals need more protection than anywhere else because there are so many vulnerable people in them.

The human rights being centered here are the rights of the patients (including you and your baby!) who need to be treated somewhere safe.

ShiMo · 12/10/2021 16:52

@thecapitalsunited

If the NHS is that badly pushed why are the current guidelines to allow fathers to all antenatal appointments? The guidance specifically recognises that expectant mothers need support. Christ every thread on here where people want a bare fucking minimum of decent care is met by ‘well I had to do it without so why can’t you’ as if we should never strive to improve maternity care.

Guidelines are exactly that, guidance. It’s not a mandatory requirement nor is it enshrined in law.

It’s a postcode lottery at the end of the day and Trusts have the right to impose policies as they see fit and is needed for their area. I don’t agree with it at all but that’s how the NHS works. Same goes for people entitled to IVF rounds, the ‘guidance’ says women should be allowed 3 full rounds so long as they meet the criteria but lots of areas only do allow one.

I get your point about striving for better maternal care and totally agree, but I wouldn’t say that fathers being there breaches the criteria for ‘bare minimum care’ though!

WimpoleHat · 12/10/2021 16:55

you have to get your head around the idea that your nhs appointments are solely about your health as the patient

This. Hope it goes well for you.

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/10/2021 16:57

Strictly speaking, the father is unimportant at a scan. They're scanning the baby to make sure all is well, it's not just so the proud parents can have a sneak preview.

HeyFloof · 12/10/2021 17:09

As had been said, it's not about him. And it's not a human rights issue. You are the patient, and they are checking the viability of the pregnancy.

I absolutely understand the want/need/desire to have him there, especially as you've been through fertility treatment, emotions run high.

I'm hoping my DH is allowed for my appointment/scan, I'm really not sure I'll cope if he isn't allowed. I'm on the edge as it is.

Derbee · 12/10/2021 17:14

You’re quite unlikely to hear a heartbeat at 8 weeks.

Completely OTT to talk about men attending ultrasounds and “human rights” in the same sentence.

My partner has been allowed at my 12 week scan, and will be allowed at the 20 week scan. They are medical procedures primarily, not just about people having a fun peak at their babies.

If you’re that bothered, and happen to be in an area where partners can’t attend scans at the NHS, book a private one. There are so many more important things to whinge about

RobinPenguins · 12/10/2021 17:14

@GreyhoundG1rl

Strictly speaking, the father is unimportant at a scan. They're scanning the baby to make sure all is well, it's not just so the proud parents can have a sneak preview.

And if all is not well? Doesn’t the OP then deserve some support? I think that’s pretty important tbh.

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/10/2021 17:23

And if all is not well? Doesn’t the OP then deserve some support?
He won't be that far away, he hasn't exactly been banished to a Siberian salt mine.

lillylemons · 12/10/2021 17:27

When I had my 12 and 20-week scans no partners were allowed in.

I had a growth scan at 34 weeks and partners could go into the scan but not in the waiting room. My husband didn't come to the scan because no one told me he could attend my letter said no partners.

I have another growth scan booked for 38 weeks and the letter says partners are allowed but need to do a covid test 24 hours before the appointment.

HeyFloof · 12/10/2021 17:27

@GreyhoundG1rl

And if all is not well? Doesn’t the OP then deserve some support? He won't be that far away, he hasn't exactly been banished to a Siberian salt mine.

It does make a difference having immediate support present though.

ItsahardGobbutsomeonehastodoit · 12/10/2021 17:32

You can't hear the heartbeat until 16-20 weeks IIRC

Flutterby8 · 12/10/2021 17:32

Within my trust partners are allowed to all routine scans and midwife appointments now.
Antenatal appointments face to face are not happening though.

I totally understand why you want your partner at your 8 week scan because I would too but like others have already said, the scan is to check on the baby and not to please you or your partner.
I struggled with fertility for 3 years. I fell pregnant naturally in the end. By 6 weeks i had cramping and didnt feel right so was sent to the EPU.
At a time when I needed my husband there for me, he had to wait in the car. I was terrified, I didnt want to be on my own but I had no choice.
Luckily my scan was fine, I saw the heartbeat and all was well. My husband was happy to see a photo and have the information relayed to him.

Covid cases are on the rise again. I can see why hospitals are cracking down on the number of people attending appointments. They have yours and your unborn babys health as proirity (as well as other parents to be). Keeping appointments as the patient only minimises the risk to each mother which I am sure is far safer than god knows how many extra people wandering into appointments for what is in a way, a higher risk pregnancy. Theyre trying to keep people safe, not make you feel isolated or have human rights affecred.

If you want your partner with you then booking a private scan will be the way forward. You def wont hear the heartbeat that early but may see a flicker on the screen if all is well (which I hope it is).
I hope your scan goes well and you have a healthy pregnancy.

Tilltheend99 · 12/10/2021 17:34

Solent nhs trust.

The rules changed a lot with the stages of the pandemic. DH came to 12 week scan then wasn’t allowed in for 20 weeks. I found it sad that he missed out so apparently I looked miserable when I came out so DH was worried that something was wrong (luckily all was fine) so he was annoyed.

They brought in a system of partners doing tests before hand so that they can go every time now as far as I’m aware.

I followed the maternity unit in Facebook for updates.

SylvanasWindrunner · 12/10/2021 17:35

I can understand your disappointment, but as a pregnant woman myself, I'm quite glad they are limiting the number of people in such a small space. Obviously I want my husband there, but the flip side of that is being in a space where double the number of people have been in than strictly need to when there may be women in the third trimester who are vulnerable to Covid.

Maybe book a private scan so you can both enjoy it - it's less medical and more about bonding. That's what we are doing.

Orangejuicemarathoner · 12/10/2021 17:35

Never mind the scan. I think you maybe need to look up what "human rights" are- just to make yourself into an averagely well informed human being before you become a parent.

PotteringAlong · 12/10/2021 17:37

Oh course it’s not a human rights issue! It’s a medical appointment for you. Medically speaking, the father is completely unimportant in pregnancy…

moonshine3600 · 12/10/2021 17:37

I take it your 8 week scan is at the clinic?
I know they are stricter in my area giving the times we are in.
He'll be allowed to 12 and 20- check your trusts website.
Book yourself a private scan so you can both see baby.
I know it's hard but it's just the time we are in at the moment it's effected everything for everyone.
Try and relax and hope all goes well.

Confused521 · 12/10/2021 17:53

@Viviennemary

Im not very sympsthetic I'm afraid. Fathers being at scans years ago was never a thing. You are the patient not your partner. If poeple want bells and trimmings they should go private IMHO. The NHS is hard pushed enough without worrying about this kind of stuff.

Go private. You won't be treated like a sick person but a couple having a baby.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 12/10/2021 18:04

I had an MVA following a miscarriage and my partner wasn't allowed in. Partners were allowed in, pre-covid. It was difficult but I understood that they were trying to limit numbers to protect medically vulnerable women.

Blahdyblahbla · 12/10/2021 18:16

The NHS is interested in the viability of your unborn baby, and your health, that's it. You could always pay for a private scan to get your movie moment, but I think yabu.

AnkleDeep · 12/10/2021 18:19

Safety trumps feelings, OP.

Pumperthepumper · 12/10/2021 18:30

Go private. You won't be treated like a sick person but a couple having a baby.

You’re not a couple having a baby though. You’ll be a couple caring for a baby, but for just now, only one of you is having a baby.

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