Oh fuck oh fuck I’m pregnant at 41

[MarthaHanson]

I feel so stupid. I thought I was menopausal. We’ve had sex once in the last few months, and I’m pregnant. I’ve just started a new job. We have two children already, they’ll be 11 and 8 when the baby is born. I felt like my life was finally starting again and now suddenly I’ll be back in sleepless nights and nappies and nursery. I am so aware of genetic risks too. I feel almost hysterical. Though I am entirely pro choice for others I know I can’t have an abortion. Oh God.

I agree, it is lovely.

@CutePanda

I know I can’t have an abortion.

Why? It’s just a cluster of cells at the moment and not a foetus. You won’t be “free” for at least 21+ years (DC may be in full time education and rely on you). Yo will be 62 years old when they’re 21. You will be dealing with a Dd going through puberty and her teens whilst you have a toddler. I have a 9 year gap between my youngest sibling and I’m far more closer with my other sibling (1 year gap). I love them both but can’t relate to the youngest. My DP has a 10 year gap and isn’t close to their sibling either. I have friends with this gap and it’s the same for them too (they’re the eldest).

Might be true for you but my youngest sister is 10 years younger than me and she is my favourite person in the world, closer than the sister who is a year younger.....my mothers sisters and brothers range in age from 70's down to 40's, they get on with the sibling they have most in common with, not who happens to be the closest in age Congrats OP, I'm sure you are terrified and of course there is no shame in saying I can't do this and ending things now if that's what's right for your family.....if you do go ahead you know what you're doing, be a breeze 😁

All the women in my family have been done and dusted with menopause by 39. I had a child at almost 41.

Congratulations, I think!!

I tried for my second at 40- and had my twins at 41 (so a surprise third in the same pregnancy). All was fine, we had NIPT and all was low risk. Obviously being a multiple pregnancy I had extra monitoring etc but I don’t think my age would have been an issue with a singleton. I have a 3.5 year old at home so life is frantic but a single baby and two older children would be much easier.

My DD adores our neighbours’ children who are 13 & 15 so big age gaps can work.

41 isn’t that old if you’re fit and healthy. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Congratulations! I had surprise baby at 41, I'm 55, he is 14, having children later in life keeps you young. I'm fitter physically than most mums of his friends. Enjoy!

My friend had her second set of twins at 47. Her first set were 17.

I think you should consider it very carefully, and think long and hard about if you actually want not just another baby, but another toddler, child, etc

1-2 weeks means you're around the time of your period! It is just an it, doesn't even have a heartbeat. It is literally cells

Do you really want to turn everything you know upside down for something that isn't even a fetus yet?

I am reading each reply & appreciate everyone posting. The panic is like waves…but am breathing. All the stories have been really helpful.

Definitely agree that you need to consider the impact on your mental health of having the baby as well as of having a termination. Of course there are lots of positive stories - I guess the people who regret having a later baby aren't posting 🤷🏼‍♀️ you do have choices, thank god, assuming you're not in Texas 😑

I’m 41 and have just had third. DS’s are 10 and 8. It has been amazing, the kids have been so involved through pregnancy and having her. No jealousy at all as they’re at such a different life stage. She is a beacon of shining light after a shitty couple of years.
I am also pro-choice but I completely get that your mind is made up here.
I was worried about chromosomal abnormalities so I paid for the NIPT at 10 weeks, was about £150 and worth it for me to have screening at an earlier stage.
You’ve got this... good luck.

I also do really appreciate the people reminding me that abortion is a choice. I just don’t feel quite up to going into why I don’t feel I can have one, but your reminders might well help women later on who find this thread in a similar situation to me, but who will make a different but completely right decision for them to have an abortion. And I am profoundly grateful that I live in a country where abortions are free, easily accessed and available.

I know it must seem batshit crazy for me not to just take two pills and it’s over but - I can’t.

My MiL was 41, had a 5 and 10 year old and was menopausal - so she thought.
Turned out it was my DH causing the 'problem'. She said that she laughed when she found out, which is different I suppose.

I'm very glad about her surprise, anyway!

I had surprise baby number 4 at the same age as you. I felt the same about just getting a bit of my life back, enjoying the kids as they became more independent etc. My next youngest was 5 when the baby arrived, so a little younger than your youngest, but all three older kids adore the baby. He has slotted in to our family perfectly - like there was always a space for him but we just didn't know it.

You have options. Take some time to think about them, but know that plenty of us have happy healthy babies in our 40s, and your family with stretch and find a new shape of you go ahead with the baby

It isn’t batshit crazy ! It is your choice and totally understandable.

I have close friends with children nine years apart, and they are much closer than most of the bog standard two and a half year gap children that i also know. I think closeness with siblings is more down to personality than anything else.
Congratulations OP. Understandable that you are in shock but i hope you also feel a bit excited soon.

Congratulations OP, my surprise baby arrived when I was almost 40. The easiest pregnancy of them all, and a happy healthy DD. My brother was born when my mum was 44, she also thought it was menopause!

Surprise #3 here at 43 - other kids are 10 & 8. Due any day now and we are all v excited (now we've got over the shock!) Have to say this pregnancy has been more tiring but so has life in general with pandemic, home school etc. Did not expect this at all, for various reasons DP and I believed it was impossible (and I thought I was menopausal!). Really looking forward to meeting our new addition, and never ever doing this again 😂

@MyPatronusIsACat and @Plumtree391 thank you both.

I think it’s important also to realise that if you look after yourself through exercise and eating properly- then you can do a lot to stay physically young. Obviously if actual illness intervenes then that’s a different story.

I’m in my 50s now - but fairly sure I’m a younger 50s than my parents generation (and before that). My friends that are approaching 60 certainly don’t look like they’re suddenly ageing. It’s about outlook and enjoying/ appreciating life.

41 isn’t too old to have this baby (or 42). It will be tiring, but you’ll have the maturity being that bit older brings. I haven’t read everything- but I get the sense you’re going to have the baby, but are understandably anxious.

Probably better if you try not to over think things, and take one day at a time. Just try and stay positive and enjoy the experience.

I know one couple who had their only child in mid 40s. They had delayed having children, and then had some very sad obstetric experiences. The child is 10 now - they must be mid or even late 50s - the child is clearly the light of their lives.

This is your experience and your life - you can do this.

Thanks how you doing OP?

This thread is a little old, but I'm so unsure why everyone is so hung up about age, it's just a number and women have been having babies in their 40s since time began, what do you think people did before contraception or other choices.... I'm just confused by the age thing if it's not right for someone at whatever age then there are choices of course, but it's definitely not unnormal to have babies in your 40s, and the hype about fertility decline is overstated, these statistics are taken from French birth records from the 1700s, when they prob stopped having sex or died younger. My gynae has encouraged me as I've been worried about fertility ttc at 41, his wife was 45 when they had there 1st, and says we cannot get accurate stats because of contraception use, sterilisation etc