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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Oh fuck oh fuck I’m pregnant at 41

120 replies

MarthaHanson · 03/09/2021 16:19

I feel so stupid. I thought I was menopausal. We’ve had sex once in the last few months, and I’m pregnant. I’ve just started a new job. We have two children already, they’ll be 11 and 8 when the baby is born. I felt like my life was finally starting again and now suddenly I’ll be back in sleepless nights and nappies and nursery. I am so aware of genetic risks too. I feel almost hysterical. Though I am entirely pro choice for others I know I can’t have an abortion. Oh God.

OP posts:
PearlyRising · 03/09/2021 17:25

Oh God, I'd rather have the new job.

Don't rule out a termination.

Whydidimarryhim · 03/09/2021 17:26

I was just shy of 43 when my son was born. I didn’t think I’d get pregnant. You’ve got children already so you know what it’s like.
They are tiring but bring so much joy.
I was well monitored in the health service given my age.
He keeps me young!!! I’m a bit more current than I would be if I didn’t have him.
The time flies - he’s 12 now - so sweet - however he does drive me mad at times too.
I have a friend who has a 15 year old and a 12 year old - she is 40 and has just had her third child - they are doing great and the boys dote on her. 😁

atleastitswarm · 03/09/2021 17:32

Your options are open OP, remember that Flowers

If you decide you want to go ahead, a positive story for you. I was a surprise baby when my mum was 41 and my dad was 45. My dad was horrified, said he really wasn’t prepared for a newborn again at his age and was very worried. My mum was the main earner. They wouldn’t have it any other way (or so they tell me Grin)

But similarly, that doesn’t mean you have to take that route. You can do what is best for you Flowers

atleastitswarm · 03/09/2021 17:33

And agree with @Whydidimarryhim - even though my parents were a lot older than my friends’ parents, they always seemed young and healthy and energetic. I think having me kept them active and young

CommanderBurnham · 03/09/2021 17:33

Congratulations? You have a bit of time to make a decision. Both you and DH let it sink in for a few days and hopefully the decision will become clear.

Askingforfriend · 03/09/2021 17:34

My best friend has a ten year gap and it has worked out very well for them, she is a much more relaxed mother this time around. Perspective can make for a very different experience.

AllAroundTheWorldYeah · 03/09/2021 17:38

Though I am entirely pro choice for others I know I can’t have an abortion.

Can you elaborate on this? You've made it clear that you don't want this baby, so why choose to have it?

Forstarters · 03/09/2021 17:42

If you don’t want a child have an abortion. It’s not helping you or the tiny cluster of cells to be brought into the world at wrong time, wrong place. 18 or so years will not ‘fly by’ you’ll be 60 when they leave home. If you want a baby at 41 go for it but don’t do it out of guilt.

PlanetMJ · 03/09/2021 17:42

Just to offer a different perspective OP, with such an early pregnancy, a termination would be very non-invasive and involves taking two pills at home if you proceed in the first 10 weeks and results in a very heavy period. So not dissimilar to what would have happened had you taken the morning after pill a few weeks ago.
I completely understand it might be a different emotional experience though.

Harleyband · 03/09/2021 17:51

I had my surprise third at 42. Older two were 5 and 8. It was my easiest pregnancy, delivery and babyhood because the older two were independent and also helpful. My older ones can babysit and even drive my youngest around now. I was well established in my career and way past the PFB stage when I had her. Honestly if I had to do it again, I'd have had a longer gap between each of them.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 03/09/2021 17:51
Flowers
JennieLee · 03/09/2021 17:52

I think unless you - and our partner - wholeheartedly want a child, then you have to ask yourself whether it is right to bring another one into an increasingly troubled world.

Not an easy decision either way.

justcheckingreally · 03/09/2021 17:52

My mum had my sister at 41 when me and my siblings were 13,14,16 and 18. She's now a wonderful teenager and I can't imagine life without her. She had language difficulties but is completely fine now.

Reallyreallyborednow · 03/09/2021 17:57

*Oh God, I'd rather have the new job.

Don't rule out a termination*

She doesn’t have to choose between the job and the pregnancy Hmm. They can’t fire her if she chooses to go ahead with it.

Slightly o/t but 41 is young for menopause? I know mumsnet seems to think your chances of pregnancy are nil and you’re all dried up inside past 35, but it can’t be a huge suprise if you weren’t using contraception?

SirVixofVixHall · 03/09/2021 17:57

I had my first at 41 ! You will be fine. I know three women who were unexpectedly pregnant in their forties. One with twins.
It was a shock but all good.

TableFlowerss · 03/09/2021 17:57

Congratulations 🥳

SirVixofVixHall · 03/09/2021 17:57

My first is 16, she is fab.

Bienchen · 03/09/2021 17:58

It is doable, sure there will be plenty posters that will confirm. Twelve year gap between DC1 and DC2 for me and I was 42 when DC2 was born. Let it sink in and consider all options. Menopause has only now struck for me, I am late fifties. Watertight contraception after DC2 for us, DH had a vasectomy.

Original poster
MarthaHanson · 03/09/2021 17:59

Thank you all so much, for everyone who has posted.
You have all been so supportive, I really truly appreciate it. And I am a bit calmer having talked to a good friend and reading your responses.

To the posters who’ve asked why I don’t feel I can have an abortion whilst being pro choice, it’s a choice for my mental health. It’s too long to explain but the chances of it triggering a crisis later on (because of previous experience) are too high to risk.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarthaHanson · 03/09/2021 17:59

Really honestly thank you again.

OP posts:
Rufus27 · 03/09/2021 18:00

Happened to a friend (except she was 47 at the time). She already had three boys aged 9-15 at the time. Her reaction was very similar to yours.

Fast forward ten years and she now admits baby 4 was the easiest - once her children had got over the shock that their parents were still having sex, they loved being big brothers and took over a big part of the workload (even arguing over who could change the next nappy or do the next feed).

Original poster
MarthaHanson · 03/09/2021 18:02

My mum had an early menopause and with a v erratic cycle for a few months I thought I was going to be the same. Like an absolute dick head. DH is getting a vasectomy. Like tomorrow…….

OP posts:
watchwithinterest · 03/09/2021 18:03

@JennieLee

I think unless you - and our partner - wholeheartedly want a child, then you have to ask yourself whether it is right to bring another one into an increasingly troubled world.

Not an easy decision either way.

We live in an exceptional historical time of peace and prosperity in the West! Its never been so safe of peaceful!
CutePanda · 03/09/2021 18:04

I know I can’t have an abortion.

Why? It’s just a cluster of cells at the moment and not a foetus. You won’t be “free” for at least 21+ years (DC may be in full time education and rely on you). Yo will be 62 years old when they’re 21. You will be dealing with a Dd going through puberty and her teens whilst you have a toddler. I have a 9 year gap between my youngest sibling and I’m far more closer with my other sibling (1 year gap). I love them both but can’t relate to the youngest. My DP has a 10 year gap and isn’t close to their sibling either. I have friends with this gap and it’s the same for them too (they’re the eldest).

careerchangeperhaps · 03/09/2021 18:05

My next door neighbour has just had her 3rd at 41 - her elder DC are 17 & 11! All kids have the same father, baby was unplanned.
The baby has brought so much joy to their lives and it's heartwarming to see the 17 year old DS pushing the pram round the street to get the baby to settle and give his mum a little break.