Oh fuck oh fuck I’m pregnant at 41

[MarthaHanson]

I feel so stupid. I thought I was menopausal. We’ve had sex once in the last few months, and I’m pregnant. I’ve just started a new job. We have two children already, they’ll be 11 and 8 when the baby is born. I felt like my life was finally starting again and now suddenly I’ll be back in sleepless nights and nappies and nursery. I am so aware of genetic risks too. I feel almost hysterical. Though I am entirely pro choice for others I know I can’t have an abortion. Oh God.

You’re still pro-choice, you’re just choosing not to terminate for your own reasons. I’m sure you haven’t just made that decision randomly and without any thought.

If I were you I’d have the available tests so you have a clearer picture of the future, but whatever decision you make I’m sure it’ll be for the right reasons for you.

Going against the grain here...

Can't advise really sorry @MarthaHanson as only you know what you want/what you want to do, and only you and your DH can decide what to do. It's a bit of a conundrum if you are glad to have some freedom with your kids being 11 & 8, but don't believe in abortion.

I know what I would do, as there is no way I would want a new baby in my early 40s, but only you can make that decision. Even if you are not a fan of abortion, it's a better option than bringing an unwanted child into the world. The fact you say your life is finally starting again makes me concerned that you will resent this (third) child...

Think very seriously before you go ahead with this pregnancy.

I wish you luck with all you do, and whatever you decide, but please don't be swayed by the 'I had a baby at 43, 45, 49 and it was the best decision of my life' posts. It's not ideal to have a baby in your middle age for many people (especially when you feel you are just getting your life back' ...)

I had a surprise baby at 43, nearly 44 when he was born
My other one was 17! 🙈

Had a great pregnancy , no issues
I’ve loved it tbh x

Oh and I was 15 weeks by the time I realised 🙈🙈

Congratulations OP! 41 isn't old these days at all.

Plenty of mums I know having their 1st or 2nd babies in their early-mid 40s!

OP, what a shock! It’s very early and nature might still decide for you. A friend went through similar recently and miscarried at around 6 weeks. It was emotional for her but on balance she’s not sad that it turned out that way.

Congratulations! Think this through very thoroughly OP. You do have options.

What a shock! Wishing you all the best though!

Take some time OP to let it sink in and to consider your options, there’s no hurry to decide. I know you said you couldn’t have a termination but you may find given time that you change your mind and that’s okay. You also may decide that actually it’s not the end of the world but the most wonderful surprise and that’s okay too.

I had my second at 41 and her older brother was 16. We had planned another but it just didn’t happen and so we resigned ourselves to only having the one and when she came along at 41 it was a massive shock/surprise.

She’s almost 9 now and I just turned 50. She is the absolute light of my life. I couldn’t imagine being without her.

Best of luck with your decision

I have an 8 yr age gap and honestly it's brilliant
Due to our career choice most of my uni friends have had babies in their 40's all happy and healthy. I was the weird one who had one early at 29 one of my best friends has just had her 3rd at 42, 2nd at 40, 1st at 38.
It's a shock and a lot to take in but once you get your head round it I'm sure you will be absolutely fine.

I've had a baby around this age and had a primary school child already at the time, it's not the end of the world (although it feels like it now). You're in shock. I think the average age for a first time mum around my area of UK is 38. Yes the sleepless nights will be hell but you will survive. Hope you have lots of support and try not to panic.

I had this last year at 39 , messed up the pill and got pregnant and we already were at what we thought was our limit of 3 kids , I went crying to the GP begging them to send me for a termination but once I straightened my head out I decided to go ahead and she’s the best thing we ever did . She’s a great laugh and I’m far more patient this time round , I’m lucky enough I was able to go ahead circumstance wise but don’t let the initial shock floor you .

Pregnancy counselling isn't only for those who want to consider terminating it can be for anyone dealing with an unexpected or risky pregnancy. Your gp/midwife service should be able to organise for you or various pregnancy/sexual health charities and organisations can talk with you too

Seems some posters think being "pro choice" means being anti a woman CHOOSING to KEEP an unplanned pregnancy - no! If you're pro-choice that means ALL options are accepted.

I am pro-choice but having had losses before having dd if I were to find myself unexpectedly pregnant I'd find making the decision to terminate extremely stressful too, in my case not so much a choice as I'd have to for medical reasons (I've a dicky heart issue)

Op is entirely within her rights to CHOOSE to continue the pregnancy and is still allowed to feel shocked and anxious etc

Hi OP, I discovered I was pregnant with my 2nd on the same day my 1st received his A level results. I was 48 and like you assumed I was menopausal.
The genetic risks at the age I was concerned me greatly and I was fortunate that both my midwife and the consultant I came under at the hospital specialised in “geriatric” pregnancies.
This pregnancy was much easier than first time, I think because I actually listened and took notice of what my body was telling me rather than following the pregnancy book in vogue at the time.
Likewise, she has been a much easier baby in terms of sleep, routines etc, although I won’t lie the tiredness is an absolute killer.
Reactions from my family and friends were positive to my face but I am aware that discussions took place behind my back about how others wouldn’t do it at my age.
My surprise is now 3 and the apple of both her daddy’s and big brother’s eyes. She has met all appropriate milestones, loves nursery, my work are much more child friendly aware than they were when I had my first, (same employer).

Good luck, I hope you have as much real life support as I had

We live in an exceptional historical time of peace and prosperity in the West! Its never been so safe of peaceful!

I think my point is that we are living in an increasingly unequal society, where climate change is also beginning to have a huge impact on our existence. The NHS is under threat and the impacts of leaving the EU are also only beginning to make themselves felt. It is likely that our children's lives will be less easy than our own - certainly they'll have fewer opportunities to work and study abroad than some of us had. Obviously if we have the energy to love our children and give them a good start in life, then adding to the family can feel like the right thing to do. But I think it is worth taking that bigger picture into account....

It has been my experience that babies fill a vacancy you had no idea existed until they arrived. I say that as someone who also had a surprise baby, albeit at a younger age.

Just let the dust settle OP and breathe. Nothing has to be decided right now. For now just relax both of you and enjoy the cool evening and take it all in. 💐xx

I had my surprise baby at 41 too 😳
My other kids were 19 and 9 so it was a bloody shock ( didn't even know I was pregnant until 25 weeks).
Wouldn't be without her now I like to think she keeps me young 🤣

Ahhh, you’re blessed. I am a bit of a believer in fate, & something as beautiful as this was just written in the stars for you x. Congratulations

Just to say, for people pointing out that you will be nearing 60 by the time the baby reaches 18, I had my two at the age of almost 43 and almost 47. (It wasn't by choice; I would have preferred to have them earlier but it is what it is.)

I am now 58 with a 14 year old and a 10 year old, and things are going well. I honestly think that they keep me feeling active and open to new things. I have continued to work (part-time) since they were born, have studied part-time at college, and I am also quite heavily involved in a few voluntary activities. In addition, for quite a substantial period, my DH worked abroad and didn't get home much so I was running things single-handed. Despite all that, I am not knackered! The downside, if there is one, that early retirement is not on the horizon which it might have been without the children. But to be honest, I feel too young to be thinking of retirement, and I am sure a lot of that is to do with having to be active because of them. You will have the advantage too of older siblings who will likely help the youngest and entertain him/her as they get older.

Even though my two were planned, there was shock and anxiety to start with so your shock and anxiety is perfectly understandable.

Wishing you all the best.

Although you say it would trigger a mental health crisis if you had an abortion due to historical reasons, have you considered how keeping the baby would affect your mental health?

I could not imagine starting again now. My mental health would be utterly shot to pieces at the thought of a new baby in my life, sleepless nights, buggies, nappies, nursery etc. I'm ready for my life to restart again and I can't wait. Perhaps I am more selfish than you but I couldn't start a new life at the expense of my own finally picking up again. I would want to cry for close to a decade because to me, it's only when your last is at secondary that you are truly beginning to feel some freedom in your life. I've given every ounce to my kids. I am now spent.

Good luck OP. I wish you all the best.

I was pregnant at 40 and my DS was 9. It was harder physically being pregnant at 40, the exhaustion was overwhelming. But my DS was so excited to FINALLY have a sibling. My kids are now 25 and 16, and they are the best of friends.

Surprise number 3 at 42 here, and he is the light of our lives. I have a big gap between 1 & 2 but 2 was planned and hard to come by! After all the trouble ttc and multiple losses, we were careless once. Literally once, and like you, was rather horrified.

You do have options but I was the same - I'm very pro choice but after everything we went through could never have terminated. I am knackered, I don't look great, but I have lots more patience, I get up stupidly early anyway, and this one usually sleeps vastly better for some reason anyway. He wakes up laughing, and aside from teething hell, laughs all day and smiles in his sleep.

Snip snip, for sure, but it sounds like you know what you want to do, and it doesn't have to be a nightmare.

Congratulations!

I’m 47 and I wouldn’t do it but good luck to you. My dses are off to university in the next year and I am loving having time to spend with my husband alone.

Everyone is different though and only you know what is right for you and your family. All the best for an easy pregnancy💐

Hi OP, another who had my 3rd after a gap in my 40’s. He is the absolute light of our lives. It was very tough - I had PND on all 3, but worst with him - but from the moment he arrived in our lives he was chilled, mature and practically raised himself 😂. I cried when I discovered I was pregnant but we had always wanted a 3rd, I had just started to come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t going to happen. DH was overjoyed from the minute we found out - but I did all the tests just in case.

Take time, maybe see if you can chat to someone - I hope whatever you decide it all goes well. Good luck.

@Hopeisnotastrategy

It has been my experience that babies fill a vacancy you had no idea existed until they arrived.

I absolutely LOVE this so much!! OMG. 💓

What a sweet sentiment.

I mean, I stand by what I say that I would not have liked a baby in my 40s personally, but that is truly lovely.