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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Mother in law reacted badly to pregnancy announcement

129 replies

Carolinesyear · 02/09/2021 16:33

So I am 9 weeks pregnant and DP wanted to tell his parents. We went over for lunch last week and while my 2 step children were out the room (we don't want DPs ex and new husband finding out just yet) he announced our pregnancy.
To say MIL took it badly is an understatement, she put her head in her hands and said 'oh no' then preceded to ask 'was it planned?' 'What do your parents think?'' You'll need to get a bigger house' basically a litany of negativity. FIL said congratulations but looked really awkward. I found the whole thing absolutely humiliating, and it went on for ages, initial shock I can understand but this was 20 mins of negativity.
DP seems to think it's mostly because this will be her 12th grandchild and the novelty has worn off however there is a difference between not being overly fussed and out right hostility to my unborn baby.
I think it could be to do with the fact she was very close to DPs ex, they were together for 20 years and she was devastated when he left her (nothing to do with me) or possibly worry about the two children by her getting pushed out. We are not married but engaged and he wasn't married to his ex either and apparently she was over the moon at their announcement.
Either way I'm very upset. I cried all the way home. I feel like this will taint our relationship in the future, I'm so upset I can't even imagine her visiting when the baby is born

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Yummymummy2020 · 02/09/2021 20:48

She was being a total asshole!!! I’m raging for you. I’d go back on what you said and insist he talks to her about her rude behaviour. I will say, a similar situation happened in our family with a relative who was pregnant, the granny actually said she wouldn’t recognise the child as family but it was never the case and in the end they all got along. Personally I wouldn’t have given her the chance to have a relationship after saying that. In this case though I would let your partner deal with her and make sure it is clear her behaviour was dreadful. Then I would go from there and not put myself out for her when the baby comes. Congrats and I also would have cried in the car home too!!!

Mummytomylittlegirl · 02/09/2021 21:07

Having read your updates I do see why your MiL is upset, she obviously cares about her grandchildren a lot.

I have half siblings on my dads side, it is very very difficult to deal with as a child. And that’s without the added dynamic of half siblings on the other side. I know people say blended families work and so on, but I think that’s often wishful thinking from the grown ups. I personally would never put my own children in this situation.

Anyway, congratulations on your pregnancy. Hopefully your mil will come around if she is usually a nice person, I’m sure she will love her new grandchild once he/ she is here.

Original poster

Carolinesyear · 02/09/2021 21:15

@Mummytomylittlegirl what in the updates changed your mind? Don't really understand what difference those finer details make. That they are the MIL favourite GCs or that the ex has also had a baby? I don't think my partner and I should put off having a child just because his ex had one, she might go on to have another one next year then before I know it I'm 39 and childless... no thanks

OP posts:

MyBadHabitsLeadToYou · 02/09/2021 21:17

Well how is the relationship with MIL usually?

Mummytomylittlegirl · 02/09/2021 21:20

[quote Carolinesyear]@Mummytomylittlegirl what in the updates changed your mind? Don't really understand what difference those finer details make. That they are the MIL favourite GCs or that the ex has also had a baby? I don't think my partner and I should put off having a child just because his ex had one, she might go on to have another one next year then before I know it I'm 39 and childless... no thanks [/quote]
I just meant that it’s going to be quite a complicated family, and I can see why she would worry about the existing children. Just speaking from experience.

Original poster

Carolinesyear · 02/09/2021 21:22

Relationship is usually very good. We don't have a great deal in common but we get on fine.

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 02/09/2021 21:29

@Carolinesyear It is what it is. You weren't responsible for the parents splitting up, and you deserve a child as much as the ex did. People get very stressed here if conditions aren't 100% ideal for children, but I'm sure you'll do your best for them.

'Traumatised' gets bandied around a lot, but 'unsettled' is more accurate. It's only 120 years since we sent children this age up chimneys and down mines - now that's what you call traumatic.

Waternoice · 02/09/2021 21:30

But Maybe she thinks he’ll leave this relationship too, leaving 3 children without a full time dad?

SpaceshiptoMars · 02/09/2021 21:39

I think MIL is worried that your cottage is too small, you'll have to move further away to find something big enough - and she won't get to see her favourite GC when they are with her favourite child.

Also think there is something bigger in her life that's bugging her right now, because that reaction was way, way over the top. I don't think it's the first bit of bad news she's had in the last few days.....

Notonthestairs · 02/09/2021 21:44

I think you should put it from your mind for a few days. And when you are ready have a chat with MIL and tell her that you were upset and tell her you are worried about your ongoing relationship and of her future relationship with her grandchild. It doesn't need to be inflammatory just open and honest.

If she's a decent woman she should be able to reassure you.

I wouldn't write her off on the basis of one conversation. Children benefit from nice grandparents and all the love they can get (provided the same grandparents are nice to the parents also!)

MintyGreenDream · 02/09/2021 21:58

She was very rude and thoughtless.My mil is very opinionated but even she held her tongue and congratulated me and dh when I fell pregnant into 3 months of dating.

tiredmama2020 · 02/09/2021 22:14

@Carolinesyear congratulations on your pregnancy OP!! I’m sorry she had such a shit reaction!
I would actually take this opportunity to be pretty direct with her if I were you! I wouldn’t get your OH to talk to her, I think you should do it. Just keep it short and to the point - tell her you were hurt by her reaction and ask why she sees your pregnancy as a negative thing and see what her reasoning is.

Original poster

Carolinesyear · 02/09/2021 22:17

@Waternoice I think he's capable of a long relationship and he didn't throw in the towel lightly. You can't treat someone like this on the basis that the relationship may not work, all relationships have the risk of failure and yes there is a higher risk with second marriages but don't forget over 40% of first time marriages end in divorce. Doesn't mean we should be negative at engagement announcements etc

OP posts:

Pebbledashery · 02/09/2021 22:20

She sounds horrible, but unfortunately it doesn't sound like you'll ever have that close DIL and MIL relationship, sometimes the ex is always the favourite.. It's horrible, but if I were you I'd distance myself from her as she's only going to bring negativity in your life.

Original poster

Carolinesyear · 02/09/2021 22:21

I am very excited about my new baby, it's my first baby and very much planned and wanted. MIL was very short sighted by acting like this as she may miss out on what could have been a lovely relationship. I don't think I'll speak to her directly, the more I think on it the more I disregard her thoughts entirely. I have such a supportive family and they live locally I really don't need her help or approval it's almost a liberating feeling!

OP posts:

pommepommefrites · 02/09/2021 22:32

I think she's just concerned for the current grandchildren, it does seem like it's going to be a bit of a shitshow from their perspective, but lovely for you being your first. Maybe dp should have told her privately so she could have raised any concerns with him, they are his kids after all.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 02/09/2021 22:33

Is she generally a bit anxious? My MIL has anxiety and over the years EVERY bit of exciting news has been met with negativity. We nearly fell out for good when she made my DH back out of an offer we put on a house. I've accepted it's nothing personal, but any suprise announcements will cause her to bubble over because she's not had time to process it.

Greygreenblue · 02/09/2021 23:23

It is possible she thinks 2 children is plenty (I realise it is your first but it is her sons 3rd)?

My FIL is certainly of that opinion, even though he himself has 3 (5 actually, including steps). When we told him we were having twins (he already knew we were pregnant) - so second and third babies - his response was to immediately start talking to DH about vasectomies.
I’ve also since discovered via MIL that their 3rd child “wasn’t part of his plan”. Their marriage also happened to not last too much longer after that.

Even if this is the reason it Doesn’t excuse what she said mind you. Just maybe goes some way to explaining it.
FIL loves his 3rd very much and all 3 of our kids. So initial reaction doesn’t always predict future behaviour towards said child.

messybun101 · 03/09/2021 01:25

It's really shocking. My DP has a daughter already and I don't know how I would have reacted if my mil responded that way when we announced our pregnancy. I agree with one of the first pp's. I'd definitely go low contact at least.

Congratulations op!! Xx

EatAllDay · 03/09/2021 01:41

Sounds like my MIL. We announced our 4th pregnancy and she said Oh God I thought you’d have more sense! We rely on her for nothing. She doesn’t mind our kids. So she had no reason to be mean. Talk about taking the joy out of it!
I am chatty and polite to MIL but I don’t have any warm feelings towards her. I’d love to be close to my MIL.
I hope you two can build bridges and that things improve before your baby arrives. It’s lovely to have supportive family. Congratulations and enjoy this precious time

Coyoacan · 03/09/2021 02:13

It is up to the OP and their father to encourage the older children to love the little one.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP.

Cocogreen · 03/09/2021 03:27

She was incredibly rude.
My MIL was an absolute bitch but at least she would say things like this behind my back, not to my face. ( Haven't seen her for about 12 years and husband went NC about 6 years ago so you can imagine what a peach she is).
Congratulations on your lovely baby news. Don't let the hag taint it for you.

Harlequin1088 · 03/09/2021 08:17

[quote Carolinesyear]@Mummytomylittlegirl what in the updates changed your mind? Don't really understand what difference those finer details make. That they are the MIL favourite GCs or that the ex has also had a baby? I don't think my partner and I should put off having a child just because his ex had one, she might go on to have another one next year then before I know it I'm 39 and childless... no thanks [/quote]
This! You should not be making your reproductive plans around the reproductive plans of other people. You're well within your rights to have children with the man you love. Your MIL is being vile.

Almostcooked2021 · 03/09/2021 08:24

Rude. My MIL is exactly the same. She has never forgiven her son for leaving his partner and 2 children despite their relationship break down and her infidelity.
She has always ‘tolerated’ me and only plays the game really so she can see our son. When we told her we were pregnant again (our second together so my husbands 4th child) she barely reacted at all.
Thankfully I am thick skinned enough now just to wash my hands of it and take it with a pinch of salt. However in your circumstances this has obviously come as a bit of a surprise..what was your husbands reaction to this? Was he also surprised? Did he question the reaction?

Twinmumandone · 03/09/2021 09:14

[quote Carolinesyear]@Waternoice I think he's capable of a long relationship and he didn't throw in the towel lightly. You can't treat someone like this on the basis that the relationship may not work, all relationships have the risk of failure and yes there is a higher risk with second marriages but don't forget over 40% of first time marriages end in divorce. Doesn't mean we should be negative at engagement announcements etc[/quote]
If the youngest child is only 6 years old that’s not much time in between at all.

Anyway, hopefully she will apologise and you can all move forward.

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