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Original poster

Mother in law reacted badly to pregnancy announcement

129 replies

Carolinesyear · 02/09/2021 16:33

So I am 9 weeks pregnant and DP wanted to tell his parents. We went over for lunch last week and while my 2 step children were out the room (we don't want DPs ex and new husband finding out just yet) he announced our pregnancy.
To say MIL took it badly is an understatement, she put her head in her hands and said 'oh no' then preceded to ask 'was it planned?' 'What do your parents think?'' You'll need to get a bigger house' basically a litany of negativity. FIL said congratulations but looked really awkward. I found the whole thing absolutely humiliating, and it went on for ages, initial shock I can understand but this was 20 mins of negativity.
DP seems to think it's mostly because this will be her 12th grandchild and the novelty has worn off however there is a difference between not being overly fussed and out right hostility to my unborn baby.
I think it could be to do with the fact she was very close to DPs ex, they were together for 20 years and she was devastated when he left her (nothing to do with me) or possibly worry about the two children by her getting pushed out. We are not married but engaged and he wasn't married to his ex either and apparently she was over the moon at their announcement.
Either way I'm very upset. I cried all the way home. I feel like this will taint our relationship in the future, I'm so upset I can't even imagine her visiting when the baby is born

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ittakes2 · 02/09/2021 17:20

I am sorry that must be dreadful but it sounds like there is a back story (on her part) of why she was not more enthusiastic. To be fair from your post I can not see why - but its likely more to do with your partner than you. I know when my sister told my mum she was pregnant - my mum was less than excited. But it was also because my sister had been a single mum for 20 years and was just getting on her feet to start her own life. My parents had supported her with finances and child minding for 20 years and they were pleased she has started her life again and then my sister meets a new partner and was pregnant (deliberately) within three-four months of meeting him. My mum was so worried she would end up being a single mum again - and the relationship had disentegratred within 6 months.
Honestly, I would have a one to one with her and ask her why she reacted that way - if you don't then you will have a wedge between you and if you do it would give her a chance to apologise.

LegendaryReady · 02/09/2021 17:23

[quote Gensola]@LegendaryReady how is that different from any couple having 3 or 4 or more kids?[/quote]
It is different when the kids are split across two households.

Gensola · 02/09/2021 17:24

@LegendaryReady okaaaay 🙄🙄🙄

Elieza · 02/09/2021 17:24

Presumably she hoped you’d split up with her son and now he’s trapped by you forever or some such crap?

I’d a) ask her what she feels the issue is and b) ask him why he didn’t stand up for you more.

ittakes2 · 02/09/2021 17:26

Can I just add - I know this feels like a big thing and it is - but when you are pregnant and for the first year or so of a baby's life its like everything is magnified. We have so much expectations of how things are going to be that it can really rock us when things don't pan out. But I can promise you when your child is a toddler all of this will be a distant memory and the painful feelings will dull.

Bluntness100 · 02/09/2021 17:35

Bit of an odd reaction considering his ex is remarried. Your partner needs to speak to her privately and understand her issue and concern and you were hurt by her comments.

Crying all the way home though is concerning. Is there a back story where her approval is very important to you?

wishful2012 · 02/09/2021 18:30

My mil asked if I was having an abortion 🤷‍♀️ Although I think she’d deny it now

Chloemol · 02/09/2021 18:39

@LegendaryReady

Did you read the post? Let me help you

You state

I think it's easy to see why a man who has two children by another woman and now has another woman he's not married to pregnant might not be all good news.

My parents would see any unmarried pregnancy as bad news, so maybe it was just that

Op post states

he wasn't married to his ex either and apparently she was over the moon at their announcement

Thethreecs · 02/09/2021 18:40

@LegendaryReady

Hmm. As woman who's seen a lot if life trials and tribulations I think it's easy to see why a man who has two children by another woman and now has another woman he's not married to pregnant might not be all good news.

Obviously it's done now and perhaps she shoud have hid it better, but this will disadvantage the existing children. You also need to make sure you and new baby are protected as you're not married.

My parents would see any unmarried pregnancy as bad news, so maybe it was just that?

He wasn't married to his ex either.

OP, so sorry she reacted like this and congratulations on your pregnancy, I'd speak with your partner and ask what he thinks and why she reacted the way she did.

Genevie82 · 02/09/2021 18:44

Oh that’s a really horrible reaction from your MIL - your partner needs to go back and tell her how that hurt your feelings. You don’t need to do anything apart from being cool and distant until she makes serious amends with you ... her attitude will soon change once the initial excitement of a new grandchild arrives ( even if she already has loads!). I don’t think her reaction is to do with your partner already having kids and the impact on them, she should be pleased her son is happy and has moved on and it’s good for his kids too. Sounds like she’s just abit bitter about something xx

BumBurnerBum · 02/09/2021 18:46

Yes how long have you been together?

LookAtMoiPloise · 02/09/2021 18:48

I was also going to ask how long you'd been together

Noshowwithoutpunch · 02/09/2021 18:50

I'd be happy if she didn't visit.
Her loss.

Hadalifeonce · 02/09/2021 18:50

Perhaps she just blurted out her first thought, for whatever reason.
When we announced our pregnancy my mum she called me a stupid cow! But she loved both of our children

Twilight7777 · 02/09/2021 18:55

How long have you been together and what was the circumstances with the last fiancée? What I’m asking is, have you been the other woman in the situation, did he cheat on her with you? Because that might explain why your mil reacted like that

Bagelsandbrie · 02/09/2021 18:58

I can’t believe people are asking how long you’ve been together and about your finances etc. That’s none of the mils business! If her son and his partner are happy the only thing she should be saying is congratulations!! (Regardless of whatever she thinks!)

Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2021 19:00

She's a proper cunt, but as my dad would say, at least you know where you stand. I wouldn't have a thing to do with her after that nonsense.

Original poster
Carolinesyear · 02/09/2021 19:00

We've been together for two and a half years. Finances definitely won't be a worry for her, she and FIL live in rented property and I can't imagine us ever asking for money or expecting inheritance. I personally am in a far better financial situation with my own property that pays for itself and more and also savings. Also my immediate family (who are very happy for us) own numerous properties and are well off financially.
I don't think the fact we arnt married yet is the problem, like I said neither were his and his ex.
I do wonder if she knows something about his past that I don't, he's very good about seeing his children and paying for them so seems very responsible in that respect. He did say that he'd speak to her but I told him not to bother. Can I really go back on that?

OP posts:
2et2font5 · 02/09/2021 19:04

Maybe she does know something about his past, or maybe she is secretly hoping he'll get back with his ex.

You say he is he's very good about seeing his children and paying for them so seems very responsible in that respect though. You do realise that that is the absolute minimum for a decent human being, not the gold standard. So perhaps she doesn't see him as behaving responsibly.

Bellagonna · 02/09/2021 19:10

I'd say with that reaction she knew already somehow.

SpaceshiptoMars · 02/09/2021 19:11

Perhaps she is religious and embarrassed that her son would get two women pregnant without getting around to marrying them?

As the ex has already remarried, she cannot have had hopes dashed of their reunion.

Perhaps she has fallen in love with your little cottage and doesn't want you to move?

You work, have your own home - a fantastic catch surely for her son? Her other grandchildren won't have less as a result, because you are contributing to the home they get to stay in.

Or perhaps she reacts badly to any change? Was she like this about the first two DH told her about?

Original poster
Carolinesyear · 02/09/2021 19:35

Perhaps all those @SpaceshiptoMars
My mum is appalled but actually she also says I should maybe be a bit relieved, no over bearing mother in law who comes round interfering. It also gives me a great excuse to keep her at a distance. If I'm injuredabout this my DP can't blame me for not bothering with her when the baby comes

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 02/09/2021 19:38

Do you have space for stepchildren and new baby in your little cottage? How old are your stepchildren?

Viviennemary · 02/09/2021 19:39

I expect she is surprised your partner decided to start again after 20 years. Still it was a bit tactless of her to voice her thoughts. Is he supporting the children he has already got. And is she expected to help out.

mynameisbrian · 02/09/2021 19:41

Well all i can say is congratulations to you. Having your first baby is such a lovely experience. You know what your MIL thinks so i would be keeping my distance from her and surrounding yourself with people who love and cherish you

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