Mother in law reacted badly to pregnancy announcement

[Carolinesyear]

So I am 9 weeks pregnant and DP wanted to tell his parents. We went over for lunch last week and while my 2 step children were out the room (we don't want DPs ex and new husband finding out just yet) he announced our pregnancy.
To say MIL took it badly is an understatement, she put her head in her hands and said 'oh no' then preceded to ask 'was it planned?' 'What do your parents think?'' You'll need to get a bigger house' basically a litany of negativity. FIL said congratulations but looked really awkward. I found the whole thing absolutely humiliating, and it went on for ages, initial shock I can understand but this was 20 mins of negativity.
DP seems to think it's mostly because this will be her 12th grandchild and the novelty has worn off however there is a difference between not being overly fussed and out right hostility to my unborn baby.
I think it could be to do with the fact she was very close to DPs ex, they were together for 20 years and she was devastated when he left her (nothing to do with me) or possibly worry about the two children by her getting pushed out. We are not married but engaged and he wasn't married to his ex either and apparently she was over the moon at their announcement.
Either way I'm very upset. I cried all the way home. I feel like this will taint our relationship in the future, I'm so upset I can't even imagine her visiting when the baby is born

What's the betting that DP's ex is also now expecting? DM may be thinking two pregnancies at the same time may be more than his kids can handle?

@SpaceshiptoMars she's just had a new baby, again before she was married.
Her and mY DP were extremely young when they got together. They grew apart

@LegendaryReady

Hmm. As woman who's seen a lot if life trials and tribulations I think it's easy to see why a man who has two children by another woman and now has another woman he's not married to pregnant might not be all good news.

Obviously it's done now and perhaps she shoud have hid it better, but this will disadvantage the existing children. You also need to make sure you and new baby are protected as you're not married.

My parents would see any unmarried pregnancy as bad news, so maybe it was just that?

You're the mil aren't you

Personally, I am not ever a person who gets upset, about issues like this. You hope for some enjoyment to be shown about your pregnancy, and then have a come down about the reactions given. I guess it might happen quite a lot in some families, when stupid and awful comments are made about pregnancies and marriages etc, when people have their own misguided views about things.

I would let things go over my head when stuff like this arises, as you can't do much about people who cant keep their personal views to themselves, and obviously don't worry,or care, if things are going to upset others.

OK, ex has new baby, you will have a new baby about a year after. MIL thinks that both ex and DP will be distracted by the new babies and their children will end up feeling they are last in both households at the same time.

I'm guessing it's a timing issue. How old are DP's children? It's up to you how involved you get them with their new sibling, but if they are good kids it would probably go some way to dealing with those fears.

So so mean, I'm sorry she reacted like that, that's not fair.

Though I agree on the plus side you won't have an overbearing MIL and she will probably leave you alone! Also great excuse to distance from her.

Congratulations on your pregnancy 😀💫🎉 🥳

Yes tbh the step children can be the only reason! I am pretty sure if my DP had been single for forever and this was his first child she would be happy for us... I'm just trying to decipher her exact feelings on how it will effect them. My DP is absolutely sure they'll embrace a new brother or sister. They love their new brother so much. The step children are 6 and 9

@Carolinesyear

Perhaps all those *@SpaceshiptoMars* My mum is appalled but actually she also says I should maybe be a bit relieved, no over bearing mother in law who comes round interfering. It also gives me a great excuse to keep her at a distance. If I'm injuredabout this my DP can't blame me for not bothering with her when the baby comes

good advice from your mum.

I think I'd bite the bullet and ask her why she was unhappy about the announcement. Tell her (gently) that you found it pretty upsetting. If you can tease the fears out of her, and not take it personally, you'll be able to ask her what she thinks the step kids need from you. Be the bigger person here - she's getting older and frailer, maybe medical issues are looming large.

I'm pretty sure it isn't personal. You bring a lot to the table and in her saner moments she must be able to see this. Are your step kids particular favourites of hers amongst the GC?

@Elieza

Presumably she hoped you’d split up with her son and now he’s trapped by you forever or some such crap?

I’d a) ask her what she feels the issue is and b) ask him why he didn’t stand up for you more.

Exactly what I thought... Big shame your oh didn't set her straight and not put you through 20 mins of that. I would keep my distance if you don't get some sort of an apology.

Yes @SpaceshiptoMars I definitely think these GC are favourites. DP is her favourite child and DPs ex was like a good friend. She sees these GC the most as they are so local and also they are likeable children!

Now youve explained its quite clear the mil is concerned for the children. Not only do they have one new baby to deal with but two. Why do folk do this to children. They are now pushed out twice. Very sad.

@Viviennemary since when is having a new sibling meant a bad thing, I have two sisters and although I felt side lined for a few weeks I soon grew to love them and now I can't imagine life without them, we do everything together. You are obviously an only child?

I am an only child. ( I wanted a brother or sister FWIW.) But this is more complicated. The parents are not together and both of them have gone on to form new families. It must be very traumatic.

It’s not about you by the sound of it but about the children. It’s normal to be worried when they have just had another half sibling. It’s a lot for them to digest.

No I don't think so, they love their new brother and show him off, tare him everywhere and look after him. @Viviennemary I think it's more traumatic not to have a sibling, poor you

She should have been more diplomatic but don’t hate her. She’s not wrong to be concerned about what this might mean for her grandchildren.

[quote Carolinesyear]@Viviennemary since when is having a new sibling meant a bad thing, I have two sisters and although I felt side lined for a few weeks I soon grew to love them and now I can't imagine life without them, we do everything together. You are obviously an only child? [/quote]
Full sibling?

My DP is absolutely sure they'll embrace a new brother or sister. They love their new brother so much.

I think you are being very naive to assume that because they love their one new brother that they will automatically love another new sibling. At the moment when they come to your place they are the only kids to consider. Now they will be competing for attention in both their homes.

Her reaction was obviously rude. But I do think this will be a lot of change for two young children to cope with in a short space of time.

@Viviennemary

Now youve explained its quite clear the mil is concerned for the children. Not only do they have one new baby to deal with but two. Why do folk do this to children. They are now pushed out twice. Very sad.

Really???

People wonder why SM's get so exasperated on MN.

This type of comment is exactly why.

My DSD was in no way "pushed out" by either half sibling (my son or her Mum's daughter).

She was and remains a very much loved, included and integral member of the family.

There is nothing in the OP's posts that remotely suggests she (or her DP) intends to alienate the SC as a result of having a baby.

Of course the children need to be treated with sensitivity about this news but there is not reason it should be traumatic.

DSD was thrilled by the arrival of her half siblings and is close to them both.

OP it's understandable you are upset.

Her reaction was utterly inappropriate.

You have the choice to let it go and as a reason to distance yourself from her and focus on the support and love from your family or you can tackle it head on.

Personally I'd do the latter and send a letter/email from you and your DP to explain how much they have hurt you and frankly how inappropriate their reaction was.

You can then decide next steps depending on how they respond, having had the chance to get over the shock of the news and reflect on the situation.

@Mummyoflittledragon we are not going to differentiate full or half, it's always going to be brother or sister just like it is wit's their brother

She reacted badly. And that sucks.

But I remember when my BIL and SIL split up. She had an affair. It was so messy and acrimonious (and then they kept sleeping together and their son would see them together in the morning etc).

My MIL was a wreck for ages. Not about their relationship but the fact that neither of them acted with any consideration of their son (who was 4 at the time) and he was utterly traumatised by it. Parents just couldn’t see it. We could. And MIL was tearing her hair out with the helplessness of it. It was terrible.

Perhaps you’re not going to differentiate between full and half sibling. But the fact remains the dynamic is completely different.

Presuming you and your fiancée stay together, your dcs will always benefit from living in one home, exclusively with both parents. Something your step dcs will not experience ever again. That will give your child a distinct advantage and you will have to work to ensure the existing children are not pushed out.

As for your comment to VivienneMary. Do you honestly suppose that all siblings get along? You sound so persuaded by idealistic fantasies of what life is like and will be like for the children.

Children do not stay little forever. Children grow apart. Both of your stepchildren are still in the Goldilocks years.

@Viviennemary

I am an only child. ( I wanted a brother or sister FWIW.) But this is more complicated. The parents are not together and both of them have gone on to form new families. It must be very traumatic.

What so neither parent is permitted to form a new relationship and/or go on to have more children? Or does one parent get dibs on this so the other one can't do it? That's ridiculous. Real life doesn't work that way.

Many children struggle with arrival of half siblings, especially where one spends so much more time with the NRP. I think some parents are very naive if they think the arrival of a sibling in a new relationship can't unsettle other children.

In the last few years the DSC have had a lot of change in their lives. Maybe MIL is worried that DP will concentrate more on new baby that she may not see the DSC as much.