I want a baby!

[Obviouslymercy]

Hi...First post here...please bare with me!

So, when I first met my DH I made it quite clear that marriage and babies and all that jazz was what I wanted. He said he'd never really wanted children but quickly came round and said one day yes.
Fast forward...we've been married nearly 2 years but together for 7. Before we got married I asked when babies would be on the cards, he said he wanted a house first. I've been desperate for a baby for about 5 years...I cry every single time my period comes because I feel like it was a waste of an opportunity. Since getting married I have said I would wait until we got a house but that as soon as we were in I wanted my implant out and to start trying. He always nodded and led me to believe he was happy with this.
We bought a house about 2 months ago! My implant came out on Friday!
Condoms arrived in the post yesterday...

This has literally left me in pieces. He says that we need to do work to the house before we can think about children. We always knew we would buy a house that needed work but he never mentioned that this would be a hold up. He sees nothing wrong with buying the condoms. He says he knows I want a child because I've been "banging on about it for 5 years". I feel like the ball is always in his court. I always have to wait for what he wants first. Like my needs are always shoved to the side. I can't remember the last night I didnt lay here and cry over wanting a baby...
What should I do?

Sorry this was long...

How old are you both? Generally, from what I’ve read on here the one who doesn’t want DC is the one who has the final say. Is your DH usually honest and truthful? Just sit him down and say “This is really important to me. I want to start trying now and be pregnant within a year. What are your honest thoughts?”

Be prepared not to like his answer though.

Leave him and start again is my advice. He’s fobbing you off, there will be excuse after excuse until you are out of time.
He didn’t “quickly come round” - he just told you what you wanted to hear.

I would leave over this.

Sending hugs, have you asked him if he even wants a baby, honestly?

How old are you both?

How old are you both? If you’re still young I would give it say 1-2 years to improve the house and make it clear that if then he’s still not ready I would end the relationship. Have you ever asked him if he definitely wants to have a child with you?

If already in my mid-30s I would just leave to be honest. I’ve seen many men string women along like this and then announce when they’re in their lates 30s that they don’t want children.

Classic MN with the immediate "leave him" responses 🙄
Playing devil's advocate... on the one hand his reasons for not wanting a baby right now are valid too. How old are you? That's important because there's a big difference between say, 28 and 38. If he wants to make sure you're in a good position to bring another person into the world then that's not a bad thing. He's being responsible. On the other hand, not being straight with you isn't fair - if he's agreed that you'd start trying as soon as you were in the new house and then changed his mind, obviously that's not fair and you both need to sit down and have a frank talk.

If it helps, my husband was like this too and I was worried that he just wasn't on board, but he really did just want to make sure we could give our baby a good home.

I would leave and I did leave my exh who was like this. It was like constantly waiting for something to be finished before you could truly live your life but once that job finished, something else would then become the next thing that would postpone it. I kept on in the hope that one day we'd eventually get to do all the things we said we would. One day I realised I was just wasting my life waiting on him and I wasn't actually getting to live the life I wanted or needed so I left.

I can see he would want to wait until you had your own house. What kind of work does the house need?
It sounds like the need for a baby ASAP is consuming you, crying every time your period comes isn’t healthy (especially as you had the implant in presumably, pregnancy has been most unlikely surely). I don’t mean to be unkind, but you’ll stress yourself out.
You need to have an honest discussion with him and go from there. If there’s no timeline and he’s fobbing you off, that’s very unfair.

Do you trust, like and love him?

I think the work on the house is definitely stalling. I can understand wanting to have a house first but doing work on it? First, it's not like you decide to have a baby and one immediately appears. It could take a few months to conceive and then you've got the 9 months you're pregnant. And that's assuming you have an easy time of it. We started TTC in July 2018 and DD wasn't born until January 2020 so almost a year and a half. I think working on the house and working on a baby can take place in tandem, gives you incentive to actually get stuff done as well.

If he won't even entertain the idea then I'd be having a serious discussion with him about whether he ever wants kids.

I too would like to know the age of the op, it is relevant.

Congratulations on getting your house, Obviouslymercy. That is quite an achievement in this time of high prices and huge deposits. Well done.

If your new home needs work, your husband is understandably cautious.

It's no fun having a baby whilst living on a building site with incomplete projects all around you (I did).

Do you really cry every time your period arrives? I could understand if you had fertility problems but at the moment you have no reason to even think of that.

Come to a compromise with your husband, there must be one, and try to be less obsessive about having a baby. No doubt it will happen in due course.

I agree with a lot of what’s already been said to you. Depending on age, wait a year or so but otherwise seriously considering leaving.
I was in a very similar relationship. Not married but I was clear from the start that I wanted children. He went along with that for years before finally turning around and saying he didn’t. I fought on for so long after trying to change his mind, wasting my time because I loved him and wanted us to work but it was never going to and I knew I’d become bitter and resentful later on in life. Fast forward two years (I’m now 32) and I have the most amazing boyfriend who just proposed and when I said I’d like us to have a baby, there was no hesitation and we’re now expecting next year. It made me realise how important it is to have a baby with someone who also really wants one and I don’t have to persuade him because I know he’s going to be a wonderful dad and our baby deserves that.

I know it won’t be an easy decision to make but deep down only you know how important having children is to you and that’s what you need to base your decision on.

Also to say, I completely understand the crying over periods. Yes it may seem over the top to some but I did the same even though I knew there wasn’t a real chance of pregnancy. It was an added reminder of something I really wanted and wasn’t even close to having.
I’d definitely try and have a proper talk with him and try and get him to give you a firm yes or no that you can base a decision on.

Thank you for all your comments, I wasn't expecting such a response!
I am 26 and he is nearly 28.
Both our parents were told that they would never have children due to fertility problems making us both miracle babies as far as they're concerned. This makes me so nervous that it might take a long time to conceive and I just want to get started.
The house does need some work but we've already done the living room and the kitchen has been started and should be finished well before Christmas. Other than that it's just replastering and painting etc.
I agree that I thought these 2 things could run in tandem.
I really don't want to lose him, I do love him.

The "one day" would have been the alarm bell for me. I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation.

It honestly sounds like he is stringing you along with the moving goalposts.

I think you need to try and relax a bit about your period coming. You're not actively TTC so a period is a positive sign your body is doing what it is meant to do. TTC is stressful, you don't want to stress yourself before you start.

I think you need a frank discussion with your partner. You're on different pages right now

Once you have that drive to have a baby then it's very hard to switch it off. My partner stalled last year about it and I was very upfront and said I need a definite timeline or else we've no future , he asked me to wait until this year and I'm now 6 months pregnant. Had he stalled again, it would have been the end for us. But I'm early 30s and felt time was ticking on for me. If your partner keeps moving the goalposts then you have to decide when enough is enough for you.

OP, I would also suggest a frank discussion. My DH was never very enthusiastic about having children. I wanted children, so he agreed (to appease me) but he was dragging his feet with starting TTC. I ended up being quite assertive, and now we have a 9 months old. I do 95% of childcare (sometimes 100% depending on a week), we have no family around, and I haven't had an hour to myself since my son was born, and I am not exaggerating here. I love my son more than anything in the world, but it's tough. I've accepted it now, as I was the one who really wanted a child. Also, since having my son I realized I may want more than one child, however my DH is strongly against the idea, he closed the shop. Sometimes I can't help but feel resentful towards him.

I would suggest talking to him not only about TTC, but also about division of labour when your baby comes along, and the number of children you would want to have (keeping in mind yours and his feelings might change on that once the baby is here, and it would be good to have a theoretical plan in place if that happens).

At the end of the day, he’s not ready yet.

You have to decide if you believe he ever will be, or if he wants to want children because you do, but has no natural drive for it.

On the one hand, you are both still young, and your parents did conceive, and you’ve got time.

On the other, he seems to keep throwing suggestions of times that he might be ready at you to keep you hanging on, and it may turn out that he never is.

Between 22 and 26 I was crazily broody. Then it passed. I’m 31 and expecting my first now - I’m glad we had the years we’ve had together. I’m a bit nervous about giving those up for good!

DH is 34 and wouldn’t have been ready before 30, probably 31/32, he just wasn’t there yet.

You can’t push him to have a baby he doesn’t want yet - that’s not fair on him or the baby, and man, I’ve had an “easy” pregnancy and it’s still been trying at times! A baby will be the same.

But you don’t have to wait around for him if you don’t believe he’ll actually ever be ready.

He said he'd never really wanted children but quickly came round and said one day yes.

That wouldn’t have been for me, personally. I’d have been too high risk that either he changed his mind, or that he’d be a really hands off Dad because he doesn’t really want kids.

We’re now moving and renovating while pregnant - that’s no walk in the park either! Even where it’s just carpets/painting/plastering. Given the choice, I’d have moved before I got pregnant, but sadly coronavirus put paid to that.

Honestly I find the communication here a bit lacking. Did you discuss with him before you took the coil out? it doesn't sound like it...it sounds like you just assumed the minute you walked into the house. it also sounds like he's fobbing you off.

You need to sit down and discuss seriously your future. You are still young so you have time but you need to know if he will ever want kids or not and if not you have time to meet someone else.

I’d speak to him, I was picturing a full reno in my head! I’d want to start ttc in December then. He has no excuses then and if he says yes now and then changes his mind come Dec, you’ll know where you stand. Of course you may need to be prepared that he will say he doesn’t want children until he’s in his thirties, it may not mean he doesn’t love you but you may need to compromise. What’s his life like? Is he still going out with the lads etc…

You are both still quite young in my opinion, your parents fertility won’t have any affect on yours (so my G.P told me anyway).

I was in a serious relationship when I was 26 and my boyfriend at the time was younger than me, we both had good jobs but no house and he was desperate for children (many) and put so much pressure on me for a timeline. I loved him so much, he was my soul mate in every other way. I broke off our engagement in the end and walked away. He begged me not to and said he would accept it if I didn’t want a child or wasn’t sure, or only wanted one etc. I couldn’t live with the guilt and possible resentment, I wasn’t sure what I wanted. We stayed friends for a couple of years after breaking up, it was very hard.
If you love him, there may need to be some compromise but there has to also be trust that he’s not stringing you along or saying he wants children when he doesn’t. There needs to be total honesty. You need to be on the same page.

Compromise is key to any relationship. You love him, you are young, you just have a new house. Can you be happy for another year, two years, three years? I am sorry it's a rock and a hard place. Because unless you can wait your options are a) leave or b) pressure him into it.

I think I would want to set a time. I.e I want to start trying before I am 30. If he can't get on board with that, you have a tough decision to make.

This is really hard. Sorry you are facing this.

Hi OP

Sorry this is happening, it must be stressful for you. I don't know what conversations you've already had but can you just reiterate you want to start TTC now as it's not an immediate thing. Even if no issues your cycle needs to sort itself out, then anything up to a year to conceive is normal, then 9 months of pregnancy. Sounds obvious but it seems like he's acting like a baby is going to fall in your laps and by the sounds of your progress on the house you'd be well finished even if you conceived immediately.

Maybe talking about timing more will help you figure out if it is just about that or if there's another issue...

Good luck with it x

Ok so for me knowing you're only 26 and 28 does change things. You're still really young and there's not the urgency there would be if you were late 30s for example. I'd give him some more time but everything Suzi888 says is correct, you need to trust that he does actually want kids so definitely have that discussion.

There is always compromise and waiting in relationships when you're young. I was ready to marry my DH after we'd been together for a year. He was ready to marry me after we'd been together 6 years. We married after almost 7 years together.