I want a baby!

[Obviouslymercy]

Hi...First post here...please bare with me!

So, when I first met my DH I made it quite clear that marriage and babies and all that jazz was what I wanted. He said he'd never really wanted children but quickly came round and said one day yes.
Fast forward...we've been married nearly 2 years but together for 7. Before we got married I asked when babies would be on the cards, he said he wanted a house first. I've been desperate for a baby for about 5 years...I cry every single time my period comes because I feel like it was a waste of an opportunity. Since getting married I have said I would wait until we got a house but that as soon as we were in I wanted my implant out and to start trying. He always nodded and led me to believe he was happy with this.
We bought a house about 2 months ago! My implant came out on Friday!
Condoms arrived in the post yesterday...

This has literally left me in pieces. He says that we need to do work to the house before we can think about children. We always knew we would buy a house that needed work but he never mentioned that this would be a hold up. He sees nothing wrong with buying the condoms. He says he knows I want a child because I've been "banging on about it for 5 years". I feel like the ball is always in his court. I always have to wait for what he wants first. Like my needs are always shoved to the side. I can't remember the last night I didnt lay here and cry over wanting a baby...
What should I do?

Sorry this was long...

You're both young so hopefully you've got plenty of time but he does seem to be constantly moving the goalposts.
You need to sit him down asap and ask him to answer you honestly if he's serious about having children and when.
Whatever he replies will tell you how to go forward.
It sounds as if you'd be unable to stay with him childless if he says he doesn't want children at all.
You're not going to know until you talk to him though

Whilst you do have plenty of time - I am 27 with two children and DD2 took over a year to conceive so I don’t say that lightly - his constant moving of the goal posts would worry me.

I think you need to have a real conversation about whether he actually wants children and what that means for your relationship. If he says he doesn’t, are you happy to stay knowing you won’t have children or will it be time to break up and start again? Him stringing you along isn’t ok though.

I meant to add, after DD1 was born, I knew I wanted more children. DH said he did too but we both agreed we wanted our own house first and to be married. We got married November 2018 and started TTC in December 2018. We’d agreed our timeline and stuck to it. Neither of us tried to delay it further.

We would like a third child and this time, I have set a cut off of my 30th birthday to be ready and to conceive. If we’re not ready or have conceived by then, we won’t have any more because I don’t want to be having young children/early teens late into my 40s/50s. Nothing against that at all but DD1 was born when I was 19 and DH was 22. We lost a lot of our youth to babies and I want us to have the opportunity to have a care free adult life when our children are grown up and we’re still young enough to have some energy.

You are both young and it makes so much sense to do the house first.

However you need more concrete plans.

Eg.
Kitchen and bathroom need renovating at a cost of £10k. You can pay and get them both done by January.
Both commit to trying for baby in Feb

If he moves goalposts then, he always will and you know it's time to go and you'll be comfortable on that choice and never wondering if you were too hasty

The fact that you are both young also means that if he continues to dither and dither you will have wasted more of your fertile years on him.

You are both on different pages here and you need to sort this now so that you can move on if he is really not wanting a family. I can understand him feeling he is a bit young to be a dad, but he could go on saying this forever and you will go in being sad.

All you can do really is have another conversation and make it clear that you want to sort this out! My DP was a bit up and down but I came off the implant as planned and we had condoms. A few times he asked if we could not use them knowing I could fall pregnant and it worked.. he is now so excited by the baby we have on the way and is showing he will be a brilliant dad!

We had the conversation...he offered that we could start trying in 5 weeks or 2 periods...providing that I; have sex with him on a regular basis during that 5 weeks (with protection), give him a BJ and am not miserable at all during those 5 weeks.

I feel like he's using this to get what he wants..

OP that is the weirdest response from your partner - we can try for a baby but only if you give me oral sex in the weeks running up to starting TTC??

Omg OP that would seriously have me reconsidering my marriage!

That’s a lot of conditions, he’s totally using it to get what he wants. I can’t promise not to be miserable.

I don’t think he wants kids. He’s stringing you along, is this going to turn out to be a situation where your looking after everything for baby and paying for everything while he says “well you wanted it”.

Oh no @obviouslymercy

This sounds really bad. I'm not usually in the 'just leave him' crew but he's;
a) obviously not genuinely wanting a baby with you atm
b) being horribly manipulative about something he knows you badly want

A baby isn't just for you and it doesn't sound like he's invested. And what if you don't conceive straight away, what else is he going to hold over you?

So sorry

Also OP i can imagine him turning around in 5 weeks saying you were too grumpy and that's it he delays it again I'm so sorry

This is truly awful....I cannot believe what he has said.

The serious subject of whether to start a family has been reduced to what is basically blackmail for more sex and sexual activities that he wants.

Seriously this is not a man to be married to nor to father a child with - he is neither husband nor father material.

Frankly his response makes me feel quite sick.

You are very young and your life experience is correspondingly less -
as someone who is quite a bit older, hear me; this is not normal or civilized behaviour from your OH. Do not shackle yourself to such a dreadful man for the rest of your life.

He said what??????!!!!!!! I think that is one of the most ridiculously shocking things I've ever read on here!!!!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!
This prick isn't father material. Tell him he can bloody jog right on! Twat.

OP, from your latest post you have a big problem. This man has told you again and again "We'll have a baby when whatever he thinks of as an excuse". So that was already a problem, and a sign that he either didn't want children, or was just going to put you off until you stopped asking or until he wanted one. It was all what he wanted.

Obviously he has the right to want or not want children and if he didn't want them that is ok, and if he just really did want them in future but not now that is ok too. What isn't ok is keeping you waiting for him but not actually giving you a real answer as to exactly when he wanted one, or even if he didn't know an answer about when he could talk about it without giving you another "when the stars are right".

Because of that I would have told you you need to talk to him one more time and tell him he needs to be honest now and if you haven't started trying by X (whatever time you want to give him) then you are leaving. Unless you wanted to stay in the marriage but understand you might not have children. But I wouldn't have thought that a good idea because as well as his flakiness he has treated you really badly. He hasn't thought about your feelings when he's been telling you what he thinks he needs to to make you stay.

But with your later post you have a bigger problem. It sounds like he is now becoming abusive. That it now isn't "when we've done X we'll have a baby" it's "You need to do X for me to agree to give you the baby you want." and what he wants you to do is sexual acts. So now I can only really tell you that you need to leave this relationship before having a baby with him, if he ever let that happen anyway, because he is getting worse and the problem isn't about a baby or not anymore, it's about the worsening of his hold on you, and the things he is saying to get his way.

Do not have a baby with this man.

Because even if he eventually "lets" you get pregnant he will most likely become more abusive and will leave everything with baby to you because "You wanted it, I didn't", and that isn't fair on a child to live in a home like that.

From your last post I think you need to leave him. He wants oral sex in the next 5 weeks in ‘return’ for allowing you to get pregnant. That’s beyond weird. He’s essentially coercing you into sex for the next couple of months and dangling a baby in front of you to get what he wants. He has no respect for you at all.

@Babynames2

From your last post I think you need to leave him. He wants oral sex in the next 5 weeks in ‘return’ for allowing you to get pregnant. That’s beyond weird. He’s essentially coercing you into sex for the next couple of months and dangling a baby in front of you to get what he wants. He has no respect for you at all.

I completely agree with this! He has no respect for you and is using you for sexual gratification whilst taking advantage of your emotions. That's not love, his attitude towards you is selfish and degrading. It'd be game over for me!

Is your last post a joke? I have rarely heard anything so disrespectful. He doesn’t want a baby, he wants someone to suck him off. He has no respect for you, doesn’t sound like he even likes you much to be honest. Plus he does not in any way sound mature enough to be a dad. It’s hard having kids. You need to both really want them. OP do not have kids with this man. You’re young- get rid of him and find someone better.

Presumably he’s joking?! What a bizarre reaction.

It will be hard, as it sounds like you have been together for your whole adult life, but you need to walk away. Yes, sorting out the house will be a hassle, but it will be so much easier than being bound to him for the next 18 years if you have a baby with him. Much better to walk away now, find yourself, and then find someone who respects you.

I haven’t read the full thread.

The one day would really put me on guard. My ex-H said this, yet he never had any intention of having more children. I’m glad we never did as he is far far far to selfish to be a decent dad. His 2 DDs are testament to that. He didn’t want either apparently, I won’t go into the eye rolling excuses of how they were conceived. One he has always refused acknowledgment of (I never even knew about her when we were married), she’s almost 30 now and he still refuses to acknowledge her. The other he was hit and miss in her life. She’s 25 now and has told me lots of times her only good and consistent memories of him when she was little was when I was around because I’d make him stick to contact days and put his hand in his pocket. The rest of the time she got in his way of what he wanted to do.

My best friend is also with a man like this. Sadly she left it too late to realise her mistake. He’s all happy he has gotten what he wants but she now 55 with no children that she desperately wanted.

I’m not saying all men who say not yet are like this. But if he’s not committed by now I would definitely be questioning whether pursuing the relationship is worth it. Your still young, so is he, but I’d definitely be wary of the goal posts changing.

@Obviouslymercy

Thank you for all your comments, I wasn't expecting such a response! I am 26 and he is nearly 28. Both our parents were told that they would never have children due to fertility problems making us both miracle babies as far as they're concerned. This makes me so nervous that it might take a long time to conceive and I just want to get started. The house does need some work but we've already done the living room and the kitchen has been started and should be finished well before Christmas. Other than that it's just replastering and painting etc. I agree that I thought these 2 things could run in tandem. I really don't want to lose him, I do love him.

You're young so I wouldn't panic yet. Get the work done and then see if he still panics. If he still is resistant then ask him the real reason then make your decisions accordingly. He might just not be ready but might be in a couple of years.

I was coming on here to say I’ve been in the same position; he came around in the end and I’m now 21 weeks pregnant with our second. However, seeing his latest comments you need to get rid!

I've been on mumsnet for about 8 years. I've never heard of anything more disrespectful than what he has said.

Can you imagine telling baby 'you are so loved and wanted' but knowing how you got to where you did. I'd tell him to f off and I wouldn't cover up for him. I would tell everyone how it ended. What a creep.

What he has said to you is horrendous. Do you have a trusted family member or friend you could talk to about this? What he said sounds abusive. I hope you are ok OP, please don’t feel you have to do what he says.