I want a baby!

[Obviouslymercy]

Hi...First post here...please bare with me!

So, when I first met my DH I made it quite clear that marriage and babies and all that jazz was what I wanted. He said he'd never really wanted children but quickly came round and said one day yes.
Fast forward...we've been married nearly 2 years but together for 7. Before we got married I asked when babies would be on the cards, he said he wanted a house first. I've been desperate for a baby for about 5 years...I cry every single time my period comes because I feel like it was a waste of an opportunity. Since getting married I have said I would wait until we got a house but that as soon as we were in I wanted my implant out and to start trying. He always nodded and led me to believe he was happy with this.
We bought a house about 2 months ago! My implant came out on Friday!
Condoms arrived in the post yesterday...

This has literally left me in pieces. He says that we need to do work to the house before we can think about children. We always knew we would buy a house that needed work but he never mentioned that this would be a hold up. He sees nothing wrong with buying the condoms. He says he knows I want a child because I've been "banging on about it for 5 years". I feel like the ball is always in his court. I always have to wait for what he wants first. Like my needs are always shoved to the side. I can't remember the last night I didnt lay here and cry over wanting a baby...
What should I do?

Sorry this was long...

Please leave this arsehole! How dare he coerce you into sex!

Have you thought about having your eggs frozen?? This dipshit you're married to is not 'dad material' at all & I would give serious consideration to dumping his sad arse & finding someone else. But as you are so 'invested' in having kids, you could consider freezing your eggs to give you time to find the right bloke, then use them to have a baby. With the right guy. Good luck 🤞🏻

Hi OP,
I sympathise with your situation and the reality is that (most) men don’t have the same drive to have children that women do, nor the same biological pressure so it’s just not on their radar . If it helps you me and all of my friends had to have very blunt talks eventually with our DH about when to start trying after being fobbed off for years or basically putting up with a lack of commitment to the whole subject! I however was in my mid 30s then and just couldn't wait any longer as I just so wanted a baby! They can be awkward conversations that take some real guts and they don’t always go well to start with. Men need time to process the seriousness of how you feel before they come round to the idea. Given your age you do have some time to go but you’ve got to decide for yourself by what age you want to be a mother and have a serious discussion with him about it. If he can’t agree to parenthood with you then you will have to make a choice, but don’t lose out on being a mother it’s far more satisfying in the end ( although also a total stress!!)
Doing the house up before you have a baby is a total delay tactic ..I’ve lived in houses being renovated whilst pregnant and with a baby, it’s all part of life.. good luck and tell him you want to start trying soon as it can take ages to conceive anyway xx

He isn't father material and you sound younger than your age. Why would you accept him talking to you like that? You deserve better than have someone hold conceiving over your head. There isn't anything wrong with wanting a baby but I think you haven't chosen the best person to have them with.

Having kids shouldn't be a situation where one partner gives in or uses sec as a control mechanism. Instead it should be made by two people who are equally keen to start a family. Consider all your options before you decide to take things further. Best of luck op!

Ad for the house, it isn't a walk in the park renovating whilst pregnant. It often takes longer than you expect and due to covid labourers and builders are in short supply being so busy. I think you are under estimating how long it would take to get your house ready even if you have picked out your colour schemes, wallpaper, paint or soft furnishings.

@Obviouslymercy

We had the conversation...he offered that we could start trying in 5 weeks or 2 periods...providing that I; have sex with him on a regular basis during that 5 weeks (with protection), give him a BJ and am not miserable at all during those 5 weeks.

I feel like he's using this to get what he wants..

Was this a joke or was he serious? My DH would put his equipment in mortal danger if he said this to me.

.. just seen your other post OP.. if that wasn’t a man joke about his expectations of you over the next 5 weeks and it was actually serious then he’s a total controlling creep! Having a baby with him would be a very bad idea..

WTAF? That’s horribly manipulative! No one should ever be coerced into sexual acts.

Also, he doesn’t want a baby. He’s making excuses.

The thing is, if you said, "I'll only give you a bj if you give me a baby" then you would be blackmailing him, he's blackmailing you!!! I'm sorry that he's like this to you

Oh wow. When reading your original post I was going to say, my husband was similar. But this was many years ago. We were teens when our relationship started. His response in the earlier years was, 'one day'. 11 years have passed and in that time we got married and bought a house. We now have our little one on the way. He's 29, I'm 30. It look a long time for us both to feel ready but when we did, he was the one who said let's do it - not pressured.

After having read your latest post though, I do find that rather shocking. It isn't love to blackmail your partner into giving you oral sex. I would seriously reconsider choosing my husband to be the father of my child if he would ever try that one on me! He should respect you more than that.

@Obviouslymercy

We had the conversation...he offered that we could start trying in 5 weeks or 2 periods...providing that I; have sex with him on a regular basis during that 5 weeks (with protection), give him a BJ and am not miserable at all during those 5 weeks.

I feel like he's using this to get what he wants..

I really hope this was said in a completely jokey way and he wasn’t being serious!? If he was, he’s an absolute wanker.

Also, he’s setting it up so he can turn around in 5 weeks time and say you were too grumpy/didn’t shag him enough so you can’t try for the baby yet.

Please wear the trousers in this scenario.

You are very young, I would get your house sorted first because once kids arrive you will have no money!

OP, say you give him sex and a BJ every day for the next 5 weeks regardless of whether you want to or not, you get to the end and he says another 5 weeks, but I want sex twice a day...
This is not love. He's just creating hoops for you to jump through.

He sounds like a complete moron who has no respect for you whatsoever. Id leave his demanding arse. So many things you have said are red flags and honestly would you really want to have a baby with someone like this. A lot of his behaviour is 100% not how he should be acting in a loving relationship.

My ex partner was very much the same and it took me a long time to notice even though friends and family had been telling me for a while. I've been with my current partner 3 years and the way he treats me with so much love and respect only makes me realise what a top class wanker my ex was

I wish you all the best please don't stay with him just because he may let you have a baby soon

You have a good 10-15 years in you left to find a nice man and have a baby so no need to stick with this one. Leave this moron tomorrow. Imagine what he'd be like when baby comes - "I'll do ONE night wake up this week if I get sex on demand and all my dinners cooked " ffs - run like the wind!

And learn to stand up for yourself!!

I'm not a fan of the leave him, run like the wind option usually BUT your DH is disgusting and you need to leave as soon as you can.

He's not going to give you a baby. All he's doing is manipulating you into doing what he wants. 5 weeks of sex and BJs and then whats next, and after that, and after that.

He's going to be more demanding and from what he's said l'm sure he will start asking for things which are outside the norm of what you are willing to do.

Leave.

@Obviouslymercy

We had the conversation...he offered that we could start trying in 5 weeks or 2 periods...providing that I; have sex with him on a regular basis during that 5 weeks (with protection), give him a BJ and am not miserable at all during those 5 weeks.

I feel like he's using this to get what he wants..

Was he serious with those suggestions or trying to make 'light' comments? If the former, that is revolting and reducing you to the status of .... I can't find actually find suitable words; if the latter, he has seriously misjudged.

Going back to the point of this thread, at your age you can wait another year by which time your partner will probably be amenable to the idea of having a child and your house will be sorted. If he isn't by then it will be time to reconsider your relationship.

I hope everything works out for you.

I too would leave. I was where you are 17 years ago. Only I also had fertility issues. I should have walked away right from the minute he refused to a sperm sample so we could get the ball rolling ready to start IVF, all because it was degrading on his behalf apparently. I then had to just hope I'd fall Pregnant naturally. He too would also change his mind. One minute it was Yep let's try and then it was oh I've changed my mind we have a bit of a debt on a credit card or this needs doing first. The final straw for me was him not telling me his sister was Pregnant and I had to find out at a family meal, although I still stupidly stayed and watched him pander to her every need going out late at night to buy sweets for her even though she has a partner but they were comfy and he didn't want to go out. We split up just before the baby was born. I've met someone else now someone who does want a Baby with me but did also have a brief moment of he thought he was too old. Unfortunately though I've now had 5 miscarriages.

Wow, I've heard some things in here over the years but that's got to be up there with one of the worst. Unless it was a very obvious joke (although it's not funny) I'd run a mile. Sorry he's taken til you've invested in a house ( which in hindsight was probably a sign of what was to come - more blackmail and coercion) to show you who he is. That's vile!

@Obviouslymercy

We had the conversation...he offered that we could start trying in 5 weeks or 2 periods...providing that I; have sex with him on a regular basis during that 5 weeks (with protection), give him a BJ and am not miserable at all during those 5 weeks.

I feel like he's using this to get what he wants..

That's appalling.

I'll do ONE night wake up this week if I get sex on demand and all my dinners cooked " ffs - run like the wind!

Yep, this.

Along with refusing to do any nappy changes or parenting because well you wanted it. Or moaning about not having sex 6 weeks after the birth or expecting BJs for doing a nappy change.

Ewww he said that?! He sounds like a peach Op

Ignoring the sex pest blackmailer he is, fact is he isn’t ready for children, he may change his mind he may not- regardless he strung u along this long

OP what he said to you isn't nice at all 🤢
I really would not trust him to be true to his words either. I would worry he is stringing you along and it will always be saying 'just a little more time' over and over again.
You have enough time and are young enough to start over. That's an opportunity you should consider very seriously because the older you get the more rushed you will feel to 'start from scratch'. X

Wow, his comments are disgusting and degrading. Aside from the fact he doesn't respect you, its not really fair on the baby - your husband clearly doesn't want kids.

@arcof

You have a good 10-15 years in you left to find a nice man and have a baby so no need to stick with this one. Leave this moron tomorrow. Imagine what he'd be like when baby comes - "I'll do ONE night wake up this week if I get sex on demand and all my dinners cooked " ffs - run like the wind!

And learn to stand up for yourself!!

100% this definitely learn to stand up for your self and know that you are worth more than what this horrible man is offering

@Obviouslymercy

We had the conversation...he offered that we could start trying in 5 weeks or 2 periods...providing that I; have sex with him on a regular basis during that 5 weeks (with protection), give him a BJ and am not miserable at all during those 5 weeks.

I feel like he's using this to get what he wants..

That’s really gross, was he joking or serious?

Why 5 weeks, what will have changed for him by t hen?