Page 5 | Partner’s parents to stay for 2 weeks after birth?

Teakind · 14/07/2021 21:23

Not a chance! Terrible idea.

If you plan on breastfeeding, you'll spend a lot of time with your boobs out in the first few weeks. It wouldn't be nice to feel you have to hideaway in your own home.

Also your hormones will be all over the place. I was up and down like a yo-yo.

GrrrlPwr · 14/07/2021 21:55

My friend had family visit from overseas just after her baby was born. At 1 week old they were traipsing all over London doing the full tourist thing. She looked exhausted, and it couldn't have been good for the baby.

cookiecreampie · 14/07/2021 22:26

No. You'll be bleeding, uncomfortable or in pain, tired and wanting to settle into your way I'd doing things. You won't be able to do that with other people there. Will you be expected to pander to them? Unless you know they are the type that will take care of you, be helpful and know when you need space, the answer would be no.

marshmallowmilk · 14/07/2021 22:55

@Moonwatcher1234

I do feel that the men’s parents get a bit of a rubbish deal tbh. They are also the grandparents and have some right to see and enjoy the baby also especially if they live abroad. As a mum of mostly boys, I do worry that this sort of double standards are becoming accepted as the norm and actually it isn’t v fair. And, yes, my in laws were fully involved from when my kids were born and that is entirely right and as it should be.

agree but right after birth is not the time to do it

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 15/07/2021 16:35

Early visits should be short and sweet, unless the person visiting is super close to you and taking up the grunt work of running the house and feeding you while you and your partner focus on the baby.

Given they are abroad and short and sweet isn't an option, then I think everybody will get much more out of them coming when the baby is 8 weeks. The baby will be more interactive and interesting and you will be more physically recovered from the birth and more relaxed.

Your partner can set expectations by hosting them himself in terms of doing the cooking, prepping and showing them their room, making most of the teas etc. so he is modelling that your role is focussing on the still highly dependent baby and catching up on the sleep you miss at night when the opportunity arises. As you say, he needs to take annual leave to be present when they are. Two weeks is a long time. Are they so distant that a week or 10 days is just too much to ask?

My mum came for a week after my DH went back to work and she was amazing. We were still both relieved to do back to being just us at the end of that week and that's with mum doing the laundry, cooking and cleaning and not hanging on to the baby for grim death - although of course she had cuddles too. As others have said, we are animals, albeit very sophisticated ones, and that mammalian, primate urge for privacy and physical closeness to your newborn can be incredibly strong. I was lucky as my mum remembered it herself from when she had my brother (PFB).

doadeer · 15/07/2021 16:43

No way at all. Wouldn't even have wanted my own mum. I just wanted to be with my baby and partner

pheonixrebirth · 15/07/2021 17:24

Short and sweet, fuck that.

MsFogi · 15/07/2021 17:27

No - big no - say no!!!!

AwesomeSauce4 · 15/07/2021 17:36

I haven't read any replies but my answer would be no. It's personal, you'll be trying to get used to having a baby in your home and all the shit that goes with it.

My in-laws came for 'the day' when my first born was just a day or two old. Never again, never ever again. I've had 3 more children since then and whilst, of course they can come and visit whenever, they definitely could not stay. It's an invasion of your privacy and your first nights/days/weeks etc together to bond.

Be firm. If you want it then allow it, if you don't then say so now.

CaraherEIL · 15/07/2021 17:45

You have to sit him down and enlighten him about the facts. Explain to him that you may have stitches and you will be bleeding heavily, and your boobs will be insanely sore. You might also have piles. You will be exhausted, emotional and traumatized. Tell him under no circumstances can you have people staying in the house. You will be up in the night you don’t want to have to worry about people that you don’t know and are not in your inner circle being there. If your husband had undergone some kind of horrendous bum and genital surgery to cause the equivalent amount of pain as childbirth would he be delighted to have your parents come and stay for two weeks while he bled from his nether regions waddled around and sat on a donut. I hate this whole bloody open house why can’t people just think and why can’t any of the MIL remember how they felt. I find it mindblowingly insensitive.

Arecklessmanor · 15/07/2021 17:46

Absolutely not.

If you had a relationship like @PinkPlantCase describes fine but you don't and in any case her inlaws came 10 days after the birth and stayed in a hotel and didn't impose, quite the opposite.

We don't have any family nearby and no one will be invited until the baby is 2 weeks old and even then it will be just my parents for a few days not a fortnight.
Haven't yet thought about whether they will stay here or not. If MIL comes she will absolutely not be welcome to stay (DH decision and I am very on board with that, she's a nightmare guest.)
Siblings etc we'll figure out later.

You need to figure out if your DP is just naively over enthusiastic and give him a reality check.

SingingInTheShithouse · 15/07/2021 17:49

No way. Not for a few months at least, you need time to rest, recover & find your feet with your new baby & family unit.

LH1987 · 15/07/2021 17:52

Nope from me, one of my happiest times in my marriage was when I came home with my baby and me and husband had her to ourselves.

Hirewiredays · 15/07/2021 17:59

No! You'll resent it. You'll have the baby at the boob at the time. You'll be bleading loads and they'll put pressure on you to hold the baby. They'll expect to be looked after. Just no!

MattyGroves · 15/07/2021 18:23

My in laws live abroad and came over both times when my babies were about 6-8 weeks old. They stayed with us, it wouldn't occur to me to ask family to stay in a hotel.

6-8 weeks in was perfect - I was settled with the baby but they were still newborns so ILs still got newborn cuddles. Obviously would have preferred to see them earlier but I don't think that's very practical given travel constraints

Brown76 · 15/07/2021 18:29

No. The first week in particular you don’t want to be having to put your best face on and being polite, tell them to come later.

Rubyrecka · 15/07/2021 19:18

@Puppysharness

Hi everyone, please can I get your views on this scenario as I have no idea what life with a newborn is like!

My partner would like his parents to stay with us for 2 weeks after our first baby is born. They live abroad. I don’t know them very well and in general am someone who likes my space, so I don’t feel fully comfortable with this.

Would others who know more about newborn life be OK in this situation? I don’t know what everyday life will be like once we have the baby, but I’m sure I’ll want the freedom to sleep whenever I want and get my boobs out whenever I want! I don’t think I’ll feel able to do those things with his parents in the house.

They’re nice people and I’m sure will want to help as much as possible, but I’m not sure how much ‘help’ they can be when all the baby needs is to breastfeed and sleep.

Any advice much appreciated.

This sounds like absolute hell on earth but I am judging by my own in-laws 😑

saraclara · 15/07/2021 19:25

God no. Normally I tend to advocate for PILs on MN, as there are some people here who would rather leave them out in the cold for six months after their grandchild arrives, while the mum's side get to practically bring it up!

But no no no. Their arrival would pretty much coincide with the baby blues, for starters. All your most intimate bits will be oozing, and some would need to be on show. And learning to handle this tiny infant is not something you want an audience for. You really don't.

I'd give it at least six weeks, and no they don't get to stay in your home even then. Airbnb.

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 15/07/2021 20:57

It might help your DH accept it if you explain that if they come too early it risks souring your relationship with them and that’s the last thing you want.

It’s true, it is a risk, so many in-law threads start “I used to have a great relationship with my in-laws, but when DC1 was born ...”
It’s in nobody’s interests to rush things in the post natal period. Wider family bonds are forged later.

PurpleMustang · 16/07/2021 13:44

@Moonwatcher1234

I do feel that the men’s parents get a bit of a rubbish deal tbh. They are also the grandparents and have some right to see and enjoy the baby also especially if they live abroad. As a mum of mostly boys, I do worry that this sort of double standards are becoming accepted as the norm and actually it isn’t v fair. And, yes, my in laws were fully involved from when my kids were born and that is entirely right and as it should be.

Yes my in laws were fully involved with my children. But the issue is she has said she barely knows them and the fact is that they live abroad is a major issue. They can't just pop by for a quick short visit and need to stay, which will take up time and energy, when they have just had a baby that they need to concentrate on. I am sure if it was the other way around being her parents (let's pretend they have an estranged relationship to keep it even) lived abroad and his parents are local, her issue would still be the same. Its not her fault they live apart but also not her issue to fix because his parents have a right. They don't and this is the type of thing that starts to strain relationships. Plus I dont know many women that while establishing breast feeding are going to be comfortable doing that in front of a FIL and she should not have to hide away in her own home to do it. Would you expect your DIL to breast feed in front of her FIL or have to hide away in her own home because you have your right to a place on their sofa?

Cotswoldmama · 16/07/2021 13:49

No, you won't even want your own mum there!I'd ask them to give it at least a month and ideally not stay in your house unless they will actually help out by doing washing, cooking etc and generally helping themselves rather than needing to be hosted!

annlee3817 · 16/07/2021 20:30

My in-laws were going to do this for three weeks, but thankfully my SIL waded in and said a hard no on my behalf, as my hormones would be all over the place, I'd be tired and need my DH around to support rather than him looking after the in-laws. Thankfully they listened and they came out when she was three months old, which was much better as I'd established breastfeeding by then and was slightly less hormonal :)

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 16/07/2021 23:48

@annlee3817
What a star your SIL is!

Ameteurmum · 18/07/2021 16:22

Both times after my boys were born my parents have stayed for a week - my mum likes to clean and my dad likes to cook and I’ll have two kids for them to entertain, it’s win win for me. I don’t know if I would feel differently if it was my in laws but my parents are self sufficient so I don’t feel like I have to entertain them or if I want to go off and sleep or something that I’m being rude. It works for me; it’s nice to be looked after