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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Partner’s parents to stay for 2 weeks after birth?

124 replies

Puppysharness · 14/07/2021 17:50

Hi everyone, please can I get your views on this scenario as I have no idea what life with a newborn is like!

My partner would like his parents to stay with us for 2 weeks after our first baby is born. They live abroad. I don’t know them very well and in general am someone who likes my space, so I don’t feel fully comfortable with this.

Would others who know more about newborn life be OK in this situation? I don’t know what everyday life will be like once we have the baby, but I’m sure I’ll want the freedom to sleep whenever I want and get my boobs out whenever I want! I don’t think I’ll feel able to do those things with his parents in the house.

They’re nice people and I’m sure will want to help as much as possible, but I’m not sure how much ‘help’ they can be when all the baby needs is to breastfeed and sleep.

Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:

TutiFrutti · 14/07/2021 19:27

Depends on your relationship with the il's really, my aunt stayed about a week after I got home and was a godsend, cooked, cleaned but wasn't overbearing or interfering at all. Mil on the other hand, well she landed while I was still in hospital, dh had enough and packed her off home before I even got discharged (he's my hero)

mutedrainbows · 14/07/2021 19:28

Maybe after 4-5 weeks. And they definitely need to book a hotel. Personally speaking, it doesn't matter if I've just had a baby, when I have guests I still feel pressure to host (tidy the house, cups of tea, cook, etc.) and you want to remove all of that pressure from yourself.

And even 4-5 weeks after, you'll still be bleeding, still may be trying to master bfing (if you're doing that) and all around becoming acquainted with your baby. You don't want people you're not comfortable around at your house 24/7!

PurpleMustang · 14/07/2021 19:31

Good god no. You barely know them. You have know idea until afterwards how you will be feeling/recovering. You could end up with a c-section and barely able to move let alone play cheery hostess. Will hubby be doing all the hosting, cooking, cleaning, food shopping, small talk, etc etc etc........Oh and then there would likely be the unsolicited advice.
I'd say suggest 2 months time, (to be decided closer to the time) 8 weeks will fly by, will have recovered physically, hopefully got into the swing of things and definitely he takes leave, he will need to be playing hostess and they stay in a hotel.

gogohm · 14/07/2021 19:31

I lived overseas so my parents booked for a month after my due date, dc came on due date. It was lovely to see them, they spoiled Dd1, brought me lots of British goodies and baby clothes, and being a month on we even took a 5 day road trip whilst they were with us meaning I could go skiing etc, hard with 2 lo's.

They stayed with us no issues, mum cooks and cleans!

Kdubs1981 · 14/07/2021 19:33

No.

See how you feel after a few weeks and make plans for them to come then

DaisyWaldron · 14/07/2021 19:35

It depends on your relationship. Imagine that you have a terrible week-long stomach bug, with round the clock vomiting and diarrhoea.

Are your in-laws people who you would be comfortable with having around, who would do your laundry, bring you drinks, clean the bathroom after violent outbursts of diarrhoea and empty your sick bucket and look after themselves as well as you without making you feel any more awkward than you already do? If so, they are treasures and you should invite them without hesitation. If not, delay them for a week or two and get them to stay elsewhere, or delay for longer if they have to stay with you.

Moonwatcher1234 · 14/07/2021 19:40

I do feel that the men’s parents get a bit of a rubbish deal tbh. They are also the grandparents and have some right to see and enjoy the baby also especially if they live abroad. As a mum of mostly boys, I do worry that this sort of double standards are becoming accepted as the norm and actually it isn’t v fair. And, yes, my in laws were fully involved from when my kids were born and that is entirely right and as it should be.

Twodogsandababy · 14/07/2021 19:42

Absolutely not!! My in-laws came round the day I got out of hospital (3 days postpartum). I was still getting to grips with breastfeeding - it could take about 10 minutes to latch her on and I’d have my boob out on full show to do it. I’d had no sleep and was literally limping around in a huge pad and disposable pants with bruising and my stitches. I winced everytime I sat down and shuffled everywhere! All I wanted to do was cuddle my baby naked in bed and try and sleep in between feeds. What you don’t want is people you aren’t 1000% comfortable with sat starting at you trying to latch, expecting you to make cups of tea and wanting to hold your baby constantly. Those first few weeks are so special and crucial for your bond and assimilation as a new family. Even if the in-laws are really helpful it is a huge intrusion. In my experience they want to “help” by holding your newborn constantly, who then cries because they smell different and desperately wants mummy, and they insists it’s fine and babies are supposed to cry/they’re just tired/can’t possibly need another feed. So much of the early days is figuring out your babies cues, and if you have someone standing over you constantly saying oh no he’s not hungry/he’s not tired/he’s being spoilt it can wreck your confidence. If you’re breastfeeding then it’s even more crucial that your partner can feel like he’s contributing by taking care of you/the house and when baby does have a moment when they’re happy to be away from mummy they should be bonding with daddy and not your mother in law! I’m not saying grandparents aren’t important or can’t be helpful, but I had no idea how vulnerable I would feel newly postpartum. I was so hormonal and so nervous about “doing things wrong”. You should be around people you love and trust who are going to be 100% supportive and your biggest cheerleaders. You only get those first special weeks once, and even if you have more babies it’ll be different because you’ll have another little one - this is your chance to lie in bed/on the sofa watch films, cuddle and enjoy! Also if it’s the first 2 weeks then will that be the whole of your partners paternity leave? Again, such an important time! Looking after a baby may seem daunting but it’s totally doable with just you and your partner, no need for lots of extra people interfering x

StevieNix · 14/07/2021 19:42

Nope I couldn’t think of anything worse. I’m so close with my mum and I wouldn’t want her to stay for the two weeks following giving birth, I also like my in-laws but hell no! Absolutely 100% no, I wouldn’t even entertain the thought for a second.

Backtomyoldname · 14/07/2021 19:49

Almost certainly not.

Two weeks is a long time.

If they are the sort who will muck in, help without asking - possibly.

If they are the sort who will expect entertaining, feeding and watering - no.

purpletrees16 · 14/07/2021 20:10

I’d be fine with in laws or parents on the condition that in return they basically wait on me hand and foot. All meals prepared, water provided, house cleaned whilst I do exactly what I want with DC. If they aren’t up for that it’s a no…

MsTSwift · 14/07/2021 20:12

My in laws stayed for a few days after dd2 born they are lucky to have escaped with their lives frankly. Only saviour was we have a massive house and even then it was a fucking nightmare. Just no.

MrsToadlike · 14/07/2021 20:13

reallyworriedjobhunter · 14/07/2021 20:14

Nope
Nope
Nope

mutedrainbows · 14/07/2021 20:17

Everything @Twodogsandababy said!!!

MitheringSunday · 14/07/2021 20:22

@Moonwatcher1234

Um, no. A baby's not a product for the grandparents' enjoyment or a toy to be 'shared fairly'. Especially not in the post-partum period.

And tbh I would hope it is 'becoming accepted as the norm' that a new mother needs time and space to recover from birth and establish the bond with the baby. If that involves support from her own parents, so be it.

(Also a mother of 'mostly boys')

LittleBearPad · 14/07/2021 20:26

No, just absolutely not.

8-10 weeks might work. Though that’s when I found tiredness was epic.

They should stay in a hotel.

Your partner can take annual leave.

Mwnci123 · 14/07/2021 20:37

I would have hated that. It's lovely that you are considering your partner's need to see his parents, and of course they will want to see the baby, but I would have actually, genuinely lost my mind if my in-laws had come to stay like that when I had a newborn. Yes to hotel, unless you have a massive house! Also, big difference if they are helpful people who notice how you are feeling and clean/ tidy/ cook, rather than well intentioned but oblivious types.

Amichelle84 · 14/07/2021 20:41

Hell no!!

BobbleWobble1 · 14/07/2021 20:47

No just no. I agreed to my parents 2 weeks after for 4 nights. Was met with resistance but held my nerve. Honestly we just about survived but any sooner and we sure as hell wouldn't have. This time OH is going to have longer off after the birth and I'm refusing any overnight guests for at least 4 weeks. My OH is wonderful and honestly they just added to his workload and invaded my space. I'd imagine it being 1000 times worse with in laws you barely know.

marshmallowmilk · 14/07/2021 20:56

haven’t read the full thread but imo - fuck no.

OPTIMUMMY · 14/07/2021 20:57

I’d say give yourself six weeks to two months before they come, to give you some breathing space and let you heal. This will give you time to get to know your baby and establish a routine and develop your confidence with them. It will also mean that the visit will be more productive - you’re more likely to feel up to going out for nice meals etc or day trips and the baby will be able to smile etc by then and be a bit more interesting. It will be a better experience for all of you.

In the early days you will want your privacy, and even if they are nice and try to be helpful if you’re anything like I am you will feel like you can’t relax and be yourself, that you need to host or put on a face for them even if you feel like crap. You’ll have midwives visiting, you’ll be bleeding and might have had to have stitches and be trying to establish breastfeeding. With my first she had to go back into hospital for phototherapy too, which I found stressful.

There is also a chance they will interfere even in a well meaning way, with your first it can be challenging as you are just finding your feet and you might feel overwhelmed at times and judged even if that isn’t their intention due to all of the hormones and what you’ve just been through.

I remember with my first born how hard it was getting into a routine and trying to establish breastfeeding when I had a constant stream of visitors who were all keen to take the baby whilst I would end up making the tea! Fortunately for DC2 I learned and found my voice!

Ell17 · 14/07/2021 20:59

It really does matter how you get on with them, are they 'your people'? I had people round including my husbands family about 4 days after birth. I had awful piles and had nowhere to sit comfortably. I wish we'd waited. My MIL and FIL are lovely people and I do love them, however, they get in the way and they don't work/think how I do, which then becomes an annoyance!! My mum on the other hand is a god send.

Katjolo · 14/07/2021 21:04

No way

southernbelles · 14/07/2021 21:12

I really couldn't do this! When I had my first baby my in-laws would come over frequently as they lived close by, & would stay for hours (they still do this now!) I remember I used to count down the minutes until they left; I was struggling with PND, c-section recovery, extreme tiredness, & a baby with reflux & tongue-tie. I felt exposed & vulnerable & just needed time & space to breathe.

Couldn't they come & stay in a local hotel, & have an agreement with your partner about boundaries for them coming over?

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