People sharing our pregnancy news before we have..

[elc1234]

Hi,
My partner and I decided that after a previous miscarriage, we would take advantage of the lockdown restrictions and keep our pregnancy news as quiet as possible, with only close friends, family and work knowing. We have wanted to enjoy the pregnancy with our inner circle and not have to worry about the nosy people in the small town we live in. I am also estranged from my dad’s side of the family and did not feel comfortable with them knowing.
I am now 38 weeks pregnant and a few days ago I found out that a “friend” of ours has taken it upon himself to share the pregnancy news with others. As well as this, when I had to leave work due to COVID at 28 weeks, one of my work colleagues also saw fit to share the news with her daughter, who is my age, who then proceeded to share the news with her friends.
Am I overreacting by being upset by this? I feel like it is our news to share and no one else’s, and I really don’t feel like these people are friends to me if they are going to do this. I feel like some people are very entitled towards pregnant women and their babies/news. I’m not sure if I’m just emotional at the moment but I have struggled to get it off my mind for the last few days.

You say yourself you’re living in a small town. Are you not leaving the house at all at the moment?

Hmmm... firstly 38 weeks is pretty far along for it to be a big it secret and between friends, family and work colleagues you’ve actually told lots of people yourself.

You’re being unreasonable. Sorry!

Well at 38 weeks it's not a bloody secret is it!!

I really feel like you’re asking too much of people to keep secrets.. once you tell one person you run the risk of news spreading. Does it make it right? Not really. But tbh that’s just how life is, I wouldn’t trust anyone with something that had to be kept a secret.

I'm not sure I would particularly class this as 'sharing news'. As 38 weeks isn't very new? It could come up in passing conversation, 'oh how exciting, blah is having their baby soon'. unless you explicitly said that there were certain people you were not telling then afraid I think YABU.

Even if you told every person that the pregnancy was a secret, I don't think anyone in their right mind would have considered that extended as far as the actual time of the birth! It sounds perfectly normal to me that a work colleague could mention in passing to her daughter when you left work at 28 weeks that you were pregnant. Also what are you going to do with the actual baby? How are you planning on hiding that from your dad's side of the family in your small town?

38 weeks and still trying to keep it a secret

You say 'before you share it'... but you DID share it, with all the people you shared it with!
I think you just need to get over it and realise no-one has done anything awful to you.

I Suppose if there’s a next time you could go down the Tudor route of a ‘lying in’. At about five months you could recline on your bed with drapes all over the window and only a close female companion for company, only emerging to be ‘churched’ ten days after the safe delivery of the babe. That might keep those pesky gossips from tongue-wagging about your pregnancy.

If you want to avoid disappointment only expect to control things under your control. When people know you are pregnant, or bought an island, or moved to Romania, they may want to talk about it with their friends. This is just the nature of people to want to find interesting topics to discuss. I'm sure you have also discussed other people without asking for an explicit permission to share news about them. You cannot control this flow of information, and it's better to just accept it that people talk. They talked about it and forgot the next minute. Nothing changed, so let it go.

When we told my PILs I was pregnant we gave them a framed scan photo as a gift. Within 30 seconds MIL had taken a photo of it and sent it to BIL, so that totally wrecked the surprise we had planned for him. My Mum was straight on WhatsApp to tell my aunts as well.

When DS was born we told the grandparents first of all, then waited til we were on the postnatal ward to start letting the rest of the family know. Except DH’s family all knew by the time we called them because MIL had already told them all!

The worst one though- I was on a fixed term contract when I got pregnant with DS so had kept in contact with my recruitment consultant so she could help me find another contract after that one ended. I told the man I was working for that I was pregnant as he was very highly strung and I didn’t want anything like morning sickness etc to be a problem.

The next day he told my recruitment consultant. I never heard from her again.

It's surely impossible to hide a pregnancy at 38 weeks

You are over reacting

Did you want to bump into people when you’ve got a newborn in the pram and have them all amazed and astounded that you’ve had a secret baby? I can’t get why else you’d be annoyed.

Did you specifically tell colleagues/friends that you wanted it kept completely secret?

It's just general chat, people talk to each other. When I'm with friends people will often say oh you know so and so from work is pregnant. It's just one of those things people talk about.

At 38 weeks surely that ship sailed long ago? Ive learnt that if you want no one to know you dont tell anyone anything. Its sad but you cant trust people with this secret tbh I wouldnt even trust my parents not to tell anyone which is why i didnt say anything until i wanted them to know. But when it comes to when you are clearly showing a bump, youve told various friends and certain relatives, youve told work colleagues and youve had to leave work at 28 weeks cause your pregnant I dont know what else you expect?

If you're 38 weeks along it's pretty much public knowledge.

You can't control everything. Apparently your pregnancy is somehow newsworthy to them; people ARE allowed to talk about things they deem interesting, without first asking permission.

@CattingTime

Did you specifically tell colleagues/friends that you wanted it kept completely secret?

It's just general chat, people talk to each other. When I'm with friends people will often say oh you know so and so from work is pregnant. It's just one of those things people talk about.

I think putting a burden on people to keep an ordinary, commonplace event like pregnancy secret is obnoxious.

We're all part of the fabric of society; you can't muzzle people from commenting on what they observe.

Sorry I think you are massively overreacting at this stage. Sure it’s your news at the beginning but now I don’t think so sorry

I think at this point it would be obvious that you are pregnant. Were you planning on not telling anyone outside family until baby was born?

Yep being precious! Noone would assume at 38 weeks it was still a secret. It's actually more attention seeky to do that and spring a newborn on people.

Your 38 weeks pregnant I'm 28 weeks and have been being asked by people when I'm due for well over 6 weeks. Your being ridiculous. I understand if you didn't want anything on sm but telling someone else is abit ridiculous.

What does ‘enjoy the pregnancy with your inner circle’ mean? No one else is ‘enjoying’ your pregnancy, even if they’re pleased for you. And honestly, everyone’s mum ‘sees fit’ to tell them stuff about people at work that they’re not arsed about. Absolutely no one is important enough to need to keep a full-term pregnancy secret, sorry!

I have had four miscarriages including one at 16 weeks, so I know how hard it is. There comes a point though when the pregnancy is apparent and unless, when you tell people you give them very strict instructions, along the lines of: “please don’t mention or discuss my pregnancy with anyone else as I’m trying to limit who knows”, then people aren’t going to think twice about talking about it. As far as most people are concerned it’s happy news that warrants a mention to others.

I’m going to have to tell my boss I’m pregnant this week (17 weeks) but I don’t want anyone else at work to know until I’m at least 20 weeks and have had that scan, and I’m really uncomfortable about the idea of talking about it at work. For me pregnancy usually ends with my babies not making it, and that’s made me very anxious. So I do get how you’re feeling but it is unreasonable to think you can totally control this and letting go a bit might help you.

@elc1234

My bump is actually surprisingly small, I am sent for growth scans every 2 weeks due to this. Also with the right clothing, you can cover anything. Whether you “look” pregnant or not, surely it is still your news to share and not someone else’s?

You already shared the news when you told family, friends and work colleagues. Did you tell everyone just for the drama when the news started coming out? You are being very very unreasonable.

@MiddleParking

What does ‘enjoy the pregnancy with your inner circle’ mean? No one else is ‘enjoying’ your pregnancy, even if they’re pleased for you. And honestly, everyone’s mum ‘sees fit’ to tell them stuff about people at work that they’re not arsed about. Absolutely no one is important enough to need to keep a full-term pregnancy secret, sorry!

All of this.

There are 8 billion people on the planet, all the result of a pregnancy. People wish you well but it's not that momentous to anyone but the two parents.