Am I too young?

[MaisieRed]

Hello this is my first thread.
To basically summarise it. Me and my fiancé really want a baby but I don’t know if I’m too young.
We both have good jobs, renting, don’t go out very much; very happy in each others company.
We’ve been engaged for a year and a half now, and I always said I would be married before I had kids but now I don’t want to wait to organise everything and wait for the big day. I now feel like I want to have a kid first.
I will be 21 this year and he will be 22 this year. We both really want a baby. And we are in a committed loving relationship so why not?
I just don’t know whether I am too young. I don’t feel like being a younger mother would be too much of an issue. But this thought in my mind is telling me will I be judged for having a baby at 21.
Please can someone help and put my mind at ease.
Am I wrong for wanting a baby in my early 20s?!

@MaisieRed

Hello this is my first thread. To basically summarise it. Me and my fiancé really want a baby but I don’t know if I’m too young. We both have good jobs, renting, don’t go out very much; very happy in each others company. We’ve been engaged for a year and a half now, and I always said I would be married before I had kids but now I don’t want to wait to organise everything and wait for the big day. I now feel like I want to have a kid first. I will be 21 this year and he will be 22 this year. We both really want a baby. And we are in a committed loving relationship so why not? I just don’t know whether I am too young. I don’t feel like being a younger mother would be too much of an issue. But this thought in my mind is telling me will I be judged for having a baby at 21. Please can someone help and put my mind at ease. Am I wrong for wanting a baby in my early 20s?!

Hey Maisie,

These days I don't even think 21 is a young age!! People are having kids a lot younger these days.

I think as long as you feel ready then you will be fine! You are clearly in a stable position so like you said - why not!

I have just turned 23 and am 38 weeks pregnant. And all of my friends have babies. I'm one of the late ones! X

Congratulations! I hope it all goes well. Thank you so much for the reply. It’s made me feel a lot better. ❤️

People are having kids a lot younger these days.

Nope. Exactly the opposite actually.

But at 21 you know your own mind. Not a choice I'd make.

I would probably say it makes more sense to buy a house first. At 20 you can't have been working long. Is it a career you want to work at to establish first? I'm late 30's and with the benefit of hindsight, I'd say spend a few years doing amazing things together first, and with your friends. Once kids come along they will come first for the next 20 odd years.

I had my first at 23 and my third at 35, the difference in my parenting was so different, a lot more relaxed and better experience, however that is just my perspective. I do think it's young, but some people are far more mature at 21 than others are at 31.

I think it sounds like you've made a decision and are just hoping for a bit of reassurance on here.

Everyone is different. Plenty of good younger mums and dads out there.

Would I want my 21 year old daughter to have a baby? Absolutely no way. Not a chance. It's hard to imagine what it is like being a mother when you aren't one yet. Once you've got a child, many many life choices are taken away from you, no matter what people say. I personally would want to spend time experiencing the world, travelling (ok, not easy right now), doing things I enjoy with no real responsibilities, building a career perhaps, getting to know my partner and most importantly myself... but I am not you. My mum was quite young and she was fine, for example. Then again, she never had any ambitions or interests in life other than to be a mum.

All the very best in whatever you decide is right for you!

Everyone’s replies will be guided by what experiences they had.

I’m 28 with one DC and one on the way, we wanted to buy a big enough house first and both get into jobs that were M-F 9-5 for a better family life. I’d say it’s worked out perfectly and if I could do it again I’d do the same thing.

Partied in my teens.
Travelled in my early 20s.
Settled into education and a career mid 20s.

Not every 21 year old will be the same so nobody can judge you but when my two DC are 22 I will try and guide them into not starting a family and having fun/buying a house first.

How long have you lived together?

I think it is too young. Why don’t you live your life for a little then have kids. Why the rush? Get married, buy a house etc

I’m heading towards 37, so an old lady by your standards @MaisieRed! But, if you can believe it, I do remember being 20/21 and know unequivocally that I felt grown up. My now husband wasn’t the guy I was with back then, but it was a commuted and definitely adult relationship. If we had had a baby, there’s no doubt that we would have done a decent job and it would have been fine.

However....

Looking back now, I can’t believe how young I was when I was 21 and thought I was so grown up. I had a degree (or almost did, graduated the June before I was 22) and had lived away from home for a few years etc but my worldview was quite naive and childlike compared to now (although no doubt I’ll look back at me now in 20 years snd think that there was a lot I didn’t know!) and I didn’t have a handle on a lot of things about the world (financial, political especially). And whilst you don’t need those things to be a parent, I guess they’re part of being a well rounded adult which makes you a better parent.

Personally, I had my first at 30 and I’d say that’s a much better age to go into parenthood. Mainly because you’ve lived a bit longer and had a chance to have a few more experiences. I was never a major party animal or major traveller, but parenthood is undoubtedly limiting so I was glad to have had hundreds of nights out and nice dinners and great holidays. I distinctly remember a hot summers night when I was pregnant with my eldest and being riddled with back pain and with a stinking cold that I couldn’t take anything for. Husband and I went for a walk to the little shop to try and loosen up my back pain and to but some sweets to cheer me up. We walked past a pub garden full of revellers and it made me so depressed in the moment- I wanted my baby so much but I just felt so bored and frumpy and longed to be in that beer garden with my friends! And that was as someone who’d had years of that life and wasn’t too bothered about giving it up!

So my advice personally would be to plan and have your wedding, have a couple of nice holidays and a couple of good years in work (some of the most fun I had in my twenties was at work with my friends there and the fun we had both in school and on nights out- in fact teaching was where I also met my now husband) and then reassess. Even if you do those things for three years, you’ll still only be 23 and in your fertile years. You’ll also have a few quid behind you and have a few stories to tell. I really do think that’s the better way to do it.

Good luck!

I would wait a few years so u can both save up and buy a house as renting is so expensive and it doesn't get any cheaper or easier to save once a baby comes. I rent with 2 kids and I wish I had bought first

I had my first at 21 ...... currently 31 and having my pregnant with my second.

Looking back I wish I had waited just a few more years so I could have travelled and done a few more things; however, I wouldn't change my Dd and the things I wish I'd done I've spent the past few years doing with her - travelling / getting my degree ....

I don't think 21 is particularly young nowadays anyway

I was 21 but if you are renting now then you will most probably be renting for yeard to come unless you habe a high salary, juggling maternity wage, hours to suit kids financially you will be put back, I'd say its best to get a house first but i know how hard that is too

Hi OP, I don't think you're too young - I had our first baby at 21, I'm 25 now and 14+3 weeks pregnant with our third. I absolutely adore parenting my children and so far haven't found any downsides to being a 'young' mum!

Only difference is we got married before our first daughter came along and then shortly after got a mortgage, which is reassuring as it means if anything happens to either of us (god forbid) we know that our family is protected. I'd perhaps recommend it if marriage is something you and are partner want anyway?

Had my first at 19. Same as you working and renting didn't go out much and loved each other. All I'll say is his true colours came out when the baby was born and he got a new lease of social life and left me at home with baby and not able to meet our bills. It ended badly for us and I spent years trying to get a career and look after my little boy. Fast forward 11 years I've bought a house with my now husband, got married and bought a second house, had another baby and now pregnant on the next. Can't tell u the difference having a baby at 29 vs 19 was. I wish I'd travelled, bought my own home and had security before having a baby. I don't regret a having him at all but I wish I had more for him when he was born. I was judged a lot and told it wouldn't work and whilst they were right it didn't work, I was always a great mam regardless of circumstances so I think it worked out OK for us. Do what's right for you.

Honestly, I’d personally wait a few years. Buy your own house, get married, take a few trips together and live together for a few years. I’ve been so broody since I was literally 18 but knew I needed to wait. I’m now having my first aged 29 and feel so much more prepared for it, mentally and financially.

Only you know if its the right decision. I had my 1st dc at 28 and second dc at 30. For me that was the right age as I had lived a bit, I was working full time, married and had bought a house. At your age I was planning a trip to Australia with my friend. I'm really glad I did that before settling down with dc. But as I said only you will know what is the right choice for you.

I don’t think 21 is too soon for a baby but I would say I’d try and do the wedding and getting on the property ladder first. Honestly, I’ve just had my first at 31 and she’s our world, all our spare cash is going on her. If we had a wedding or a deposit to save for I’m not sure we’d ever get around to it (we want her to have a sibling in maybe 3 years so we’d be looking like a decade really before we could save enough).

I think the problem is that often people say ‘oh but don’t you want clubbing/holidays’ when you consider kids early and not everyone cares about that stuff (full disclosure we had some incredible late nights and travel when we were child free but that’s just us!) But if you don’t manage to get on the property ladder or get married that can be far more of an issue. Find a place to raise your kids, buy it, get your relationship legally recognised just in case god forbid the worst happens, and then crack on with the baby making imo

People tend to have babies older these days so you will be considered young.
You are grown adults but:
I personally would be gutted if my daughter had children at 21- I love my children but they hold you back in so many ways. Live your 20s, make as much money, climb the career tree, have fabulous holidays and experiences and then settle down.

I'd say get married before getting pregnant and live for a year on the dispensable income you'll have after having a baby (that will give you some decent savings) Childcare/ giving up work isn't cheap.

I wouldn't worry about other people judging you for your age- if you can comfortably afford a baby and want to dedicate your life to a tiny person go ahead.

Personally I'd have rather have a tiny wedding and then save for a house deposit next five years before getting pregnant.

I had my first at 18, it was tough
A year and a half is nothing, wait until you've been together at least five years and get married first!

Make sure you have a mortgage, good jobs. Renting is no good for financial security, you're throwing your money away.

Have fun first, me and DH had years of holidays and good times.

Personally I think you're mad to consider it.

At least get married first. I think you’re rushing and not sure why. Would be better to wait and be more established in terms of house and careers but you’re old enough to make your own decisions.

Hi I don't think you are too young but I will share my experience with you.

I was 21 when we go engaged and he was 25.

We both desperately wanted a baby but decided to wait until we were married at 22 and 26.

We then bought our house the following year and renovated it and had a few nice holidays.

We are now 26 and 30 and expecting our first baby. I hated waiting but I think it was worth it to have some nice couple holidays and get the house all finished and ready for our family.

Good luck in your decision and make a decision for you and your partner not to please your family, friends or anyone else.

Thing is would you give up your job? How long have you actually been working? Do you have any savings? What is your rental like? How long til you can buy a house? I feel questions like this are more important than age itself, though it’s easier to have these lined up when you’re older. I don’t think I could have coped very well being tied down to a baby at that age personally, but then I never tried and everyone is different. I’m pregnant with my third at nearly 37 and had my others at 30 and 32. Statistically it is untrue that people have kids younger, in fact the age is getting older and older on average. However, there are advantages of being a bit younger eg health, risks etc.

It's your life so if you feel ready go for it. Biologically women are best fit for babies in their early 20s. I had a termination at 12 weeks age 21 and genuinely I had no idea I was pregnant no morning sickness tiredness weight gain nothing I sailed though. Fast forward 10 years to having my son at 31 and dear lord it was so much harder 😂😂 I'm now 32 and pregnant with my second and it's even harder still 😂

Totally up to you!

It's your life so if you feel ready go for it. Biologically women are best fit for babies in their early 20s. I had a termination at 12 weeks age 21 and genuinely I had no idea I was pregnant no morning sickness tiredness weight gain nothing I sailed though. Fast forward 10 years to having my son at 31 and dear lord it was so much harder 😂😂 I'm now 32 and pregnant with my second and it's even harder still 😂

Totally up to you!