Am I too young?

[MaisieRed]

Hello this is my first thread.
To basically summarise it. Me and my fiancé really want a baby but I don’t know if I’m too young.
We both have good jobs, renting, don’t go out very much; very happy in each others company.
We’ve been engaged for a year and a half now, and I always said I would be married before I had kids but now I don’t want to wait to organise everything and wait for the big day. I now feel like I want to have a kid first.
I will be 21 this year and he will be 22 this year. We both really want a baby. And we are in a committed loving relationship so why not?
I just don’t know whether I am too young. I don’t feel like being a younger mother would be too much of an issue. But this thought in my mind is telling me will I be judged for having a baby at 21.
Please can someone help and put my mind at ease.
Am I wrong for wanting a baby in my early 20s?!

I'm 29 and pregnant with my first, which is still relatively young these days and certainly most of my friends are still a way off thinking about starting a family.

Without sounding patronising, the experiences I've had and growing up I've done from 21 to now are enormous. I'm a completely different person, in a completely different relationship and living a completely different life. I'm not saying your relationship won't last or anything like that, but you'd be surprised how much can change in your 20s.

DP and I aren't married but we do own a house together. I do think it's important to get at least one of those things in place before you have a baby together from a practical point of view. No one likes to think about what might happen if your relationship did sadly end but these things do happen and it's important you have some protection and financial security if it did.

I had my first child at 24. But I did a medical degree so it was a month after I graduated. I'm now 36 and have 4dc the youngest is 4. Most of my friends have young babies and toddlers now whereas I have an 11 year old.

I've managed to keep my career going (looking at becoming a consultant in 1-2 years). Haven't had loads of opportunities to travel etc but plan on doing that when the kids are older. I don't think I parented my first as well as I parent my fourth, but not sure if that is age or experience.

My bottom line, and the reason I don't regret having them young at all, is that I get to know my four most favourite people in the world for longer. I can't see how that can be a bad thing.

Yes, it’s very young. If you are in secure employment, have a nice little house and thought through your core values, commitment, child rearing practice and preferences and imponderable both your careers, then possibly but otherwise wait.
Get married, buy a house, spend time knowing each other properly and doing exciting things together. Then think about a family.

It completely depends on the person but for me, I have changed and grown so much in the last twenty years (I'm 40 with a toddler). I would have been a terrible parent in my early twenties - now I'm so much more relaxed and confident. I really was a child at 21, despite feeling like I knew it all (not saying that's you - just my experience).

Whatever you decide though, I would advise getting married first for the legal protections. It has nothing to do with a big party - you can have a perfectly lovely day without it costing very much. If you want a big do, you can always have a party at a later date or renew your vows.

No, I had my first at 17. 😂 20s are normal I thought!

These days I don't even think 21 is a young age!! People are having kids a lot younger these days.

Hmm, I don't think so.

8 would wait OP. Enjoy being young and not being completely responsible for another human being.
I had my first at 18, had 2 by 23. I didn't think I was missing out on anything at the time, but by the time I got to about 28, I started to feel like I was very envious of friends who had been able to enjoy being young and out of their parents clutches for a few years before having kids. I went from still having a curfew at 17 to having a baby and really never getting out. I was alone though so a bit different.
I don't regret having my children, but I did miss out on a lot when I was younger, and yes, a lot of people do silently judge.

My parents were young. I didn't have my children young.

I had my first child at 20. And my 5th child at 33, shes only 11 weeks old now. Currently planning to have a 6th child before I am 35 and then am done.
FWIW, I have been married since 18. People said I was very young for settling down so young but I am happy and my husband and I have a very good, strong marriage. We parent together and look after each other. He supports me and I support him.
I would say wait til you're married and then have the baby.
I have 5 children and people will think my life is tied down to the house. But actually I have been able to do and achieve so much with my life. Including running 3 business's from home which my husband I both do and are very successful,which we would have to be having 5 children to support and pay for. Lol .

I had my first at 23 and my second (last year) at 26. I personally wish I’d waited and my second was my first - if that makes sense 😂 obviously would not change my two daughters for the world but none of my friends are even close to having babies still and I miss out on a lot (pre-COVID!!)
We had less financial stability when my first was born and I haven’t established a career which is now a constant worry for me.
Saying that I love the energy I have as a young mum

Oh I really wouldn't, enjoy being young and care free. I had my first at 31 I would have liked it a bit younger but I was working and studying for a professional career.

It's so much harder work than you realise when u don't have any kids. We enjoyed some amazing luxury holidays all over the world, bought our 4 bed detached house and enjoyed going out and being child free. I would have liked to have had my first at maybe 28 but I was still doing my professional exams and we hadn't got married yet.

I certainly wouldn't plan a child so young. My sister had her first early 20's and she missed out on so much.

@NemoRocksMyWorld
That is one of the loveliest perspectives I’ve read. Thank you I needed that today 🤍

I do think 21 is young to have a baby nowadays but it's totally up to you, don't worry about being judges.
I had my 1st at 30 and now pregnant with no2 at 32, i definitely wouldn't of wanted to leave it any later than this as i don't want to be old when my children are still young but i'm very glad i didn't have them at 21. I think it would of been a whole different experience and i don't think i would of enjoyed it the same at that age. A baby completely changes your relationship and tests even the strongest of people. I met my now DH at 21 but if we'd had a baby then i honestly don't know if we'd still be together.
My advice would be wait a few years, i think 25/26 would be a lovely age. Enjoy each other, save some money, get on the property ladder, have some nice holidays/weekends away. I genuinely think you'll enjoy your children more if you do it that way.

Yes, I do think you are too young. Most people change hugely in their early 20s - as much as in the teen years. I feel like an entirely different person from 21 (mid 40s now). My views on life, politics, values... all changed. I treat / react to people differently and I’m interested in different things. I’ve learnt some life lessons and am a bit wiser. I can’t imagine having had the same partner since then and missing out on the FUN of my early 20s - spontaneity, holidays, carefree fun! I’d have been a rubbish parent at 21, although I felt broody from about your age there is no rush to act on it. The fact that you mention your main worry as being ‘judged’ for being young makes me think you are still quite naive - that is the least important factor, as you will learn as you get older. Sorry if that sounds patronising. Think how much you’ve changed in the last 10 years - that’s probably going to carry on for a while. You need to think about your children too - what would be best for them?

No, you are young, you have your whole life to live, why get bogged down with a family now? There's a whole world out there.

You say you don't go out, but surely no one does at the moment. Life has been pretty boring this last year so I think this is a reaction to covid lockdowns.

Your fiancé and you will do some growing up and changing, I'd wait to see if you are still compatible in 5 years or so. I'd also buy a house first. Get financially established.

It’s not a choice I would make and it’s not what I would recommend for any children of mine
I would focus on establishing a career, work towards homeownership, travelyou have your whole life ahead of you one with infinite possibilities which would be constrained by having children I would see where that can take you first

Do you want a large family? I wish I had started earlier because I'd love to have 4+ children. Although, I also wish I'd focused on buying a house when I was younger and before having children to be in a better financial position to have a large family.

Also, sometimes it's hard to tell how a relationship will stand up to having children. It's such a huge responsibility and change to your lifestyle (total lack of freedom, lack of free time, lack of sleep, less money due to cost of childcare etc.) that is impossible to comprehend beforehand and it takes a huge amount of maturity. It's possible when you are so young that one of you will end up feeling like it was too soon to lose all that freedom. How do you feel about being a single parent? Would you be able to continue your career as a single parent?

For some people it takes years to get pregnant, so if you know you definitely want children I wouldn't leave it until 30 or after.

For me the ideal would be to spend early twenties travelling and working intensely on your career, get married and buy a house around age 25 and immediately start trying for first baby.

I did: met exH at 18, traveling and working freelance up to age 25, panicked about my career at 25 (did an internship for no money then got super lucky and landed a job paying 100K abroad), panicked about not having children at 26 so started trying for a baby, got pregnant at 27 and gave birth to DC1 at age 28, got married at 29, also got divorced at 29, met H at 30, got remarried at 32 and had DC2 at age 33.

I don't regret: traveling, having first child before 30, working intensely at my career because it now means I don't have to work full-time and have DC2 in nursery (which was stressful with DC1), or getting married before having DC2

I do regret: not buying a house before having children, making sure exH was the right person to have children with (divorce when there is a child involved is absolutely horrible)

It is young - it doesn't have to be too young, biologically it's fine, maturity wise that varies from person to person - your call!
But our society and economy are not best set up for young parents so the sensible thing to do would be get married, get some savings and have a baby in a year or two (which would still be young so you would get the benefits of having your kids young but with a bit more security).

It is young, yes. I would want to be married (financial protection) and get a mortgage (needing two incomes to save for the deposit) before I had children personally, but maybe you high earn way more than we did? We left university, did PG, bought a house at 22, got married at 24 and kids at 25/28. That was still younger than virtually all our friends.

Will you go back to work full time? What will you do for childcare?

I also think 21 is far, far too young for the vast majority of men to become fathers! He needs to have some fun too! What are both of your career ambitions? How would you cope being a single parent (sadly quite a likely outcome, especially if not married). As a pp said I think lockdown has made this something to think about. Wait until life is back to normal before making a decision!

Have you sat down with your partner and discussed how you see things going? Work, how you will deal with money, looking after the baby, your careers, household tasks, housing etc etc. Is your partner mature enough to share the load equally? Will you be reliant on a single wage?

You sound bored with your life, op.

There are much better ways to live your life when you are 20 than have a baby.

What was your childhood like? How old was your mum when she had you?

I don't think your ever fully prepared for having a child. I was 32 and thought I had a good grasp of what it meant to be a parent having worked with children and being from a large family. None of it was anything like I expected. It was and is so tough but I wouldn't change it. I don't think it's about age it's about adapting and embracing. It really helps if you have a good support system though because the hard days are so bloody difficult. Best of luck whatever you decide.

At 21/22 it depends so much on circumstances eg can you afford the drop in income on maternity leave, can you afford childcare/to reduce hours? Most people cannot at the beginning of their careers without family help

If you feel ready and can afford it then physically it's a good time to have a baby. I would suggest though getting married if you are going to put your career on hold to protect yourself, a registry office is quick, cheap and easy

I agree with other posters who say their advice will be guided through their own experiences. You definitely seem to have all the practical things in place, financially stable, home, serious relationship etc (which is more than I had!) and you have thought it through and both agree.

However as another poster said, would they want their daughter to do this and I'm afraid I'm in the hell no! Category. This is why... a baby is amazing joy but it is also the time in your life when you become second in life, and your decisions now need to be made for that child. To do it well you need to make most of your decisions in this mindset. You have barely experienced a adult life of independence, and that's not going out and getting drunk- that's seeing the world, buying things just for you- putting yourself first, having no commitments. In my 20's I traveled the world 🌍 went to every continent by the time I was 30. It was life changing and the best thing I ever did. If you have a baby now you will next get this independent life in 20 odd years time.

On the other hand I did leave my babies too late. In 39 now and found it very difficult to get pregnant this time round- so I wouldn't advise that either!!!

Take stock, for you think about what you want to achieve in life, what memories do you want to make with your husband?

If I were you I would plan a huge honeymoon- I went to Madagascar, saw Victoria Falls and went on safari in South Africa. It was incredible!!!! Next few years do those memory making, selfish things that bind you together as a couple- then go for it! Have those babies and love your life!

Also don't be fooled into thinking you'll have your life back in your 40s.

Dd has autism, so having her at 18 doesn't automatically mean freedom for some of us when we're older.