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Original poster

Am I too young?

107 replies

MaisieRed · 05/04/2021 20:22

Hello this is my first thread.
To basically summarise it. Me and my fiancé really want a baby but I don’t know if I’m too young.
We both have good jobs, renting, don’t go out very much; very happy in each others company.
We’ve been engaged for a year and a half now, and I always said I would be married before I had kids but now I don’t want to wait to organise everything and wait for the big day. I now feel like I want to have a kid first.
I will be 21 this year and he will be 22 this year. We both really want a baby. And we are in a committed loving relationship so why not?
I just don’t know whether I am too young. I don’t feel like being a younger mother would be too much of an issue. But this thought in my mind is telling me will I be judged for having a baby at 21.
Please can someone help and put my mind at ease.
Am I wrong for wanting a baby in my early 20s?!

OP posts:
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Howshouldibehave · 06/04/2021 11:06

At 21/22 it depends so much on circumstances eg can you afford the drop in income on maternity leave, can you afford childcare/to reduce hours? Most people cannot at the beginning of their careers without family help

This is the biggie. My one (and only!) friend who was younger when she had a baby had no family help as her parents were also young and still worked full time! I was lucky that my mum was retired and had my baby whilst I worked part time. I dropped to 50% hours but the hit on our finances was still huge-but we had no childcare costs so were v lucky. What’s your plan for work/childcare? When you say you both have good jobs-does that mean you will both work full time and pay childcare?

FTEngineerM · 06/04/2021 11:07

@NemoRocksMyWorld I am extremely hormonal at the minute but damn that made me tear up! ❤️

Rosieposy89 · 06/04/2021 11:20

My mum had me at 22 and did a brilliant job. I am 31 with first baby and I'm glad I'm older. I've had time to get financially secure

ScarfaceCwaw · 06/04/2021 11:29

There are quite high odds that the person you are with right now at 21 isn't the person you'll be with at 35. Especially once the stress of children enters the picture. This isn't universal, obviously. But having a baby now, especially pre-marriage, massively increases your chances of struggling as a single parent in the future, or navigating a complex co-parenting relationship in the future and having to square this with new partners, a new stepmother for your child etc, while simultaneously likely reducing the financial resources you have available to help, because you will have been limited from using your prime years for building your earning capacity.

Think carefully. What's the rush?

seven201 · 06/04/2021 11:47

Personally I'd save up and buy a first home before having a baby. Saving with a young child is incredibly difficult for most. But we're all different, if that's not a priority for you then I don't think 21 is too young.

NemoRocksMyWorld · 06/04/2021 11:47

@Wingingthis @FTEngineerM

Thank you! I'm very fond of them and they make me laugh everyday. I'm a 100% a different and more fully formed person than when I had my first, but I grew with them and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. They know I'm not perfect and I'm doing this for the first time, and we talk about that.

I did have a serious career set up before I did it though - had got through med school. I did also have a husband I had been with since I was 16 (and am still together with now!) and we did have a mortgage.

I've never had wanderlust but I wanted children from being a very small child myself. I adore children (my own especially!). I'm a paediatrician, so I work with kids and I love it. I find them hilarious and fun to be around. So for me it was definitely right. I'm not saying it would be right for everyone, but it is right for some people.

scrambledeggy · 06/04/2021 14:35

So happy for you that you are in a place where you can consider this so carefully OP!

I have not had a kid yet, but am currently 26, late on in my pregnancy and have been with my partner since around the same age as you. Back in our early 20s we wouldn't have had half the stability that you both had, so I don't see how trying can hurt, especially if you have a good support network.

With house prices how they are, I feel like you need to take advice about not trying until you can afford a house with a big pinch of salt- we are both saving whilst renting a relatively cheap place because home ownership is a far off goal. My mum and dad were already on their second home when they had me at a similar age but would never have been able to do that now.

Chelyanne · 06/04/2021 15:01

Buying a house after having children is still possible, harder but if you are willing to make sacrifices then you will still manage it.
We put the deposit down on our house when our eldest had just turned 1, we didn't have huge savings and I got made redundant soon after so that made things a bit tricky too. We managed to secure our mortgage and we still live in the same house 14 years later. We need a bigger house but stretching finances when we can manage here makes no sense.
I know lots of people my age without kids who have not managed to get on the property ladder yet and some probably never will.

Merrz · 06/04/2021 15:15

Also as pp has said those who say have them young then you get your life back by 40, that doesn't happen!! Once you have kids they are a constant worry and commitment, you then have to pay for uni etc etc. You will never be as care free and untied even with adult DC as you are pre kids

CentrifugalBumblePuppy · 06/04/2021 15:26

If you are settled in a strong relationship, have a good home and the finances to do it, then go for it.

I had my first at 19 and it was hard (complicated by having major spinal surgery 3 months after his birth & his Dad being an actor away touring).

My second was at 23 - I was settled, had a home & a fantastic partner ( now husband) and it was so much easier.

I often think, as I see my contemporaries who have their children in their late thirties in the midst of careers, wrung out by sleepless nights, that I had it easy being younger when exhaustion was far easier to deal with!

Bul21ia · 06/04/2021 15:33

21 is young. I had DS at 23. How many girls holidays have you been on? A weekend Spa away or even a day Spa?

A baby changes your life completely and it’s not like this for the man usually.

If you would like to home own I would try to save before a baby comes along.

Also the person you are at 21 and 22 is not the same person you are at 30 people grow and change OP.

terraclutter · 07/04/2021 07:08

I was pregnant with my 1st at 20 and had her just after my 21st.
I desperately wanted a baby but I'm not sure it was for all the right reasons.
My DD is now 21 and almost finished a 4 year degree and I have 2 other children.
I definitely have myself a hard journey.
I wasn't qualified, married or owned a home and had no financial savings.

With hindsight I would definitely have waited. Enjoyed my 20's more. Got a degree, found a job I liked. Also got married and bought a house to do up and make a home.

I'm in my 40's now, I am married, have 3 degrees and a career, 3 children, own my home but I definitely gave myself the hard way of doing things.

I was so pleased when my oldest daughter turned 21 and wasn't pregnant as she's broke the pattern of me and my Mum. Now even if she falls pregnant at 22 she will have a degree behind her. I hope she waits a bit though.

PerspicaciousGreen · 07/04/2021 10:34

You're not too young at all. I had my first at 27 and if anything wish I'd had him sooner. But please get married and sort your household out first. Spend a few months at least living on the income you'll expect when you're on maternity leave. A marriage certificate isn't just a piece of paper - it's an important commitment and an important piece of insurance for you in all sorts of circumstances. Not just relationship breakdown, but things like if you have to spend time in hospital it's so much easier to have your husband on all the paperwork.

I disagree with people who think you have to have your twenties be some wild partying shambles for your life to be worth living. You don't have to travel and sleep around and job hop. It's OK to just be a grown up straight away. But having a baby may change your relationship with your friends if they are "free-er" than you.

welshladywhois40 · 07/04/2021 15:07

I don't think anyone can tell you if it's the right time. I just had my second in my 40s. My school friend had her first at 21.

I will spent my 40s wiping my children's noses and bottoms. She spends it enjoying time with her adult and nearly adult children and has her freedom back.

But in my 20s I built my career, travelled a lot and had a lot of fun and was absolutely selfish in putting my needs first.

So no right or wrong answer - it's what you want

Original poster
MaisieRed · 08/01/2022 17:59

Hello,

Me and my fiancé have been TTC for 10 months. Yesterday I took a test and an extremely faint line showed up. But we both saw it, not just my line eyes.
I've got extremely irregular cycles but I started my period 2 weeks ago.
I am really scared to take another just incase I get another negative.
Do you think it's possible for it to be positive for just a fake positive?

Thanks!

OP posts:
Overthebow · 08/01/2022 18:07

If you’ve got irregular periods it’s possible but very unlikely if your last period only started 2 weeks ago, you’d have to have ovulated straight after. What test did you use and can you post a picture? Also was your last period normal?

Original poster
MaisieRed · 08/01/2022 18:14

I don't have a photo unfortunately.
Attached are my last 2 cycles.
I have been having symptoms.
My periods are always the same 4-6 days.
The test I used was a supermarket brand standard tests

Am I too young?
Am I too young?
Am I too young?
OP posts:
CherylPorter350 · 08/01/2022 18:15

I had my eldest at 19...I planned her. Do I regret it, absolutely not but would I advise my daughter to do it, I would not. I ended up a single mum quickly after her birth, went back to uni, got my degree, started a career...all with a toddler...it was hard work. I later married someone and went on to have another 2 after we'd bought a house etc and it was certainly easier when I was older.

My eldest is now 22, away at uni studying law and living her best life. All that said, I don't think I'd be who I am now...worked as hard as I did if I hadn't had her.

Being a young parent isn't a bad thing but nether is waiting till you're a bit more financially secure and established.

Georgeskitchen · 08/01/2022 18:29

If it feels right then its right. Don't let anyone judge your decision

WhiteCatmas · 08/01/2022 18:32

Live your life, secure your future and relationship, have a baby later.
21 is really young, you have your whole life ahead of you.

SantasBairyHollocks · 08/01/2022 18:36

I was 21 when I chose to have my first baby. I was 22 when he was born in 1993. It was tough financially but we both really wanted a baby and ended up with two lovely children who are now grown up. We are having fun travelling and going out whilst our friends have teenagers at home.

I say do what makes you happy.

pompei8309 · 08/01/2022 18:44

I had mine at 20, it was definitely too early, not only from a financial point of view but emotionally as well. I wouldn’t do it if it was to turn back the time and I’ll be devastated if my dd will fall pregnant so early, I would want her go have some stability in terms of career/ accommodation etc before bringing a child into this crazy world

Dailywalk · 09/01/2022 08:54

Personally I think 21 is quite young. I would enjoy being a couple for now.

ABCDEF1234 · 09/01/2022 09:02

I would certainly prioritise buying a house before having a child

Treedown · 09/01/2022 09:18

plan for worst (incredibly common) scenario. you have the baby and in a year or two your relationship ends. Is your career/income/savings enough for you to be able pay for everything on your own single wage? until the answer is yes.. don't have a child.