Am I too young?

[MaisieRed]

Hello this is my first thread.
To basically summarise it. Me and my fiancé really want a baby but I don’t know if I’m too young.
We both have good jobs, renting, don’t go out very much; very happy in each others company.
We’ve been engaged for a year and a half now, and I always said I would be married before I had kids but now I don’t want to wait to organise everything and wait for the big day. I now feel like I want to have a kid first.
I will be 21 this year and he will be 22 this year. We both really want a baby. And we are in a committed loving relationship so why not?
I just don’t know whether I am too young. I don’t feel like being a younger mother would be too much of an issue. But this thought in my mind is telling me will I be judged for having a baby at 21.
Please can someone help and put my mind at ease.
Am I wrong for wanting a baby in my early 20s?!

Sorry did not mean to post that twice 😂

I was similar to you at that age, desperately wanted a baby. However, my relationship broke up when I was 22. In the aftermath of that I travelled extensively, took the opportunity to move abroad and met and married my now DH and carried on travelling for a few years and living a fun lifestyle until, feeling settled the feeling of wanting a family was back and so finally planned a pregnancy at the grand old age of 29, which people around me thought was SO young 🤣

I think what I’m saying is that your 20s are definitely a time you grow and change and can seize lots of opportunities, carefree. In the end I am incredibly glad things turned out the way they did and that I didn’t go ahead in my early 20s. I still had my first child relatively young (now pregnant with my third!) but also really enjoyed those years in my 20s.

Ultimately it’s your choice of course, but in your shoes I’d try to think of some other things you’d like to get from life and focus on those first and be selfish for at least few years!

I would say don't underestimate how difficult being a parent is. Even with the most loving and hands-on partner. It's relentless, exhausting, and requires self-sacrifice in ways you've never imagined. Your whole life changes and never goes back to the way it was. It's adulting at the highest level. If you're ready for that level of responsibility, go for it. I certainly wasn't at 21! You'll never get these years again. Enjoy yourself a bit and build your finances first.

If you are ready, go for it! Also, don't fear being judged. Truth is you will be judged no matter what, you can't please everyone, and neither should you try. Do what's best for you and your partner. Good luck!

I’m sure you would be a good parent but there are some practicalities that would make it much more difficult now.

I’d get married first - your wedding is much more fun to attend when you don’t have to look after small children! But then I’d also definitely try and buy a house. It is so difficult to do nowadays and once you have DC you will either reduce your working hours or be spending a lot on childcare and it can be difficult to save and/or get a mortgage. Definitely get that sorted first.

Also if you’re not careful then being a parent can define your identity. If you’re only 21 then you’ve only had a couple of years of being an adult to figure out who you really are. Consider how you might feel at age 45 when your kids have all flown the nest, you then have maybe 20+ years of potentially still working in front of you.

I turned 21 when pregnant with our eldest, hubby was 19. I think I feel more judged having our 6th now as I'll be 37 when she's due. Nobody ever mentioned me being young with the eldest but have said I'm old having this one

We had only been engaged 4mth when I found out I was pregnant with eldest. We put the wedding on hold for her birth then buying a house, she was my only bridesmaid at 3 years old.

Lots of people make fantastic parents at 21 (and younger!). But I know hand on heart that I am a much better parent to my baby at 30 than I could ever have been at 21.

Plus my 20's were so much fun and gave me precious years of self discovery and over a decade to build the relationship with my husband, which I am forever thankful for (not primarily fun because
of partying but through holidays, impulsive day trips, lazy days, and basically not having to worry about keeping anyone alive and happy except me!).

Only you know what's right for you, but do think long and hard before jumping in .

Coming from someone who had kids young, I would say enjoy being a couple for a little while longer - I can’t even tell you how much your life will change when you become parents. Enjoy some child free holidays and being selfish and doing what you like. Kids are amazing but at your age there’s no rush at all. It’s ok to be broody and not act on it - you have it all to look forward to but for now, live life! I love being a mum but my life revolves around them and I sometimes wish I’d taken a bit more time for me and experienced more things.

and I always said I would be married before I had kids

Thus can be extremely important, unless you have substantial assets and/or are intending to take minimal maternity leave and resume working full time. There are still way too many threads from women who have found themselves in extremely straitened circumstances following death, separation or serious illness who would have been in a hugely different position had they been married. Without marriage you really must not allow your financial independence to be eroded (eg by working only part time)

but now I don’t want to wait to organise everything and wait for the big day

Please do not confuse an elaborate wedding with the legal provisions of marriage

I now feel like I want to have a kid first

Why?

**"But this thought in my mind is telling me will I be judged for having a baby at 21."

Am I the first to post that a woman will be judged no matter how old or young, and judged whether she decides to start a family or remain child free?

I gave birth at 18, 25 and 32. Physically, childbearing gets much harder on your ageing body. I'm now 50 and my children have grown into great adults with careers and plans and I still have energy to enjoy my freedom! My friend who gave birth at 38 and is now expecting again two years later is by contrast utterly exhausted. With the age gaps in my family, we did plenty of adventuring with the kids.

So think it through with your husband to be, get your home and support network set up, and go for it 💐

It’s entirely up to you, but you do seem rather lacking in ambition. There’s a lot more to life than babies, why not live a little first? Your 20’s should all be about change and making mistakes. There’s decades to come of having to be responsible-why go from child to having to be a parent with no in between?
I do think older parents often make a better job of it, so if you want an honest opinion then yes, too young.
But the opinion of strangers shouldn’t matter a jot. The benefit of maturity is not giving a shit what people think.
I had DD at 41, I can’t imagine missing the rest of my life out and going straight to that.

Physically, having a baby in your 20s is a lot easier, I think. Also your parents will be younger and able to help out more with the kids. Your children will be more likely to get to know them. There's also no reason why you can't have kids in your 20s and explore the world in your 40s.

However, get married first. Legally, you will want that protection in place. It's not just 'a bit of paper' or a nice party.

And if you don't want to get married, think about why you want to have kids with someone you don't want to marry. You'll be bound forever to your partner once you have kids with him anyway.

Buying a house...personally, I think that can wait. As long as you can afford to rent, you'll be okay. I know lots of people who rented while raising families.

Fwiw, I'm 38, pregnant with my first and finding it physically hard going. There are advantages to waiting (established career, financial security, ready after having travelled when younger etc) but there are advantages to having them younger too.

My partner and I rent our home - we’re mid-to-late 20s and expecting our second baby. We’ve got a good income and a decent house deposit and still haven’t been able to buy the ‘right sized’ family home. So we rent for now.
Owning a home won’t make you better parents. Our DS never goes without.
You go for it if you are both ready. For us, the desire to parent was stronger than owning a home.

Hi @MaisieRed

I was the same as you. In a relationship, working, renting 21, & trying for a baby. My partner had low speed count and we tried for years, & it never happened.

I’m 33 now. Engaged to someone different, a home owner, & due our first baby in 4 weeks.

I was so sure I was ready at 21, & I find it a blessing it never worked for my ex & I. Looking back with wiser eyes, I was still a kid at 21. Even by the time I was 25 I was a different person (and both my ex & I had grown to become just friends due to incompatibility)

I’m not saying this is the case for you. My mum had me at 21, & she was a fantastic mum (though like others have said, she missed out on a lot of life experience)

I think you’ll be hard pushed to find someone who thinks at 21 they were as grownup as they could be, but you will find people that say having a kid young was the best thing they did.

I would have to agree that it is too young mentally though. It certainly would’ve been for me ❤️

My advise for my kids is live your lives before having children, see the world (when we can) I’d also advise to buy somewhere too so you have that stability.

Getting married will protect you if you end up relying on your partner for income when you're on maternity leave or later. Do not have kids without that contract unless you are independently wealthy.

I felt young in my late 20s having my first child. I was the youngest of everyone I met around me at baby groups. Actually I still feel young now at mid thirties with two school kids, lots of school mums are older because they started older.

Depends what type of life you want. I’d save up for a deposit on my own house first to ensure a life time of financial stability. It’s also helpful to have gone up a few rungs of your career ladder.

I don't think you are too young. Lots of people have babies from age 16. There's a lot to be said for having children young, You have more energy to cope with sleepless nights, you get your figure back more quickly.
But, it's easy to forget the strain young children put on a relationship. I remember the shock when I brought DC back from hospital and realised: You will always be here. There has never been a moment of my life since when I haven't had their welfare to take into account in every decision I make. If there is anything else you really want to do - travel or gaining qualifications, I'd do them now as it can be harder with DC. I'd also get married first - not a big wedding - just a few very close friends and family. But that's personal choice.

@rattlemehearties

Getting married will protect you if you end up relying on your partner for income when you're on maternity leave or later. Do not have kids without that contract unless you are independently wealthy.

Exactly this. And if you’re not married when you have a baby, I would make sure the baby has your name.

Mothers can get judged for all sorts so I wouldn’t worry too much about that. But I definitely would wait a couple of years and try and the financial and legal stuff sorted first.

I would try to buy a house first, if this could be a future option for you - it would be good to have the longer term stability of knowing where you will bring your baby up.

And as you want to get married, it would be worth doing this before the house and baby, otherwise you’ll just never get round to it.

Also, while I’m sure your relationship is great, you need to consider what might happen if you aren’t together in the future. It’s quite likely it will be your earnings/career that will be affected financially by having a baby, rather than your fiancé’s. As others have said, marriage gives you legal protection.

If you have any plans at all to buy a home, it'll most likely be much easier to do this before having a baby. Things get a lot more complicated, mortgage-wise, once you have maternity leave and then (depending on your circumstances) potentially childcare costs and/or part time wages to take into account.

I'd also say that you'd be in a much better position if you were to get married first. (Get married, as distinct from having a big celebration - that bit can happen whenever). It's not even just an 'if you were to split up' thing, as I appreciate nobody really likes to think like that; if (god forbid) either you or your partner were to die, that's a situation which can be more complicated if you're not married.

I've known awesome parents much younger than you, and frankly some pretty ropey ones much older. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a baby and it's not something I'd judge you for. But I'd think through how to first set yourselves up on the best possible footing so that when you do start a family, you don't have to worry so much about catching up on that stuff.

My advice would be to get your twenties out of the way first. The second a baby is born your life as you know it is over

If you really don't want care free years of relaxing, having layins, traveling, partying, having hobbies, seeing friends whenever you want, literally doing what the hell you want when you want then have a baby now

I would have hated to have missed out on my twenties because I had a child

Definitely up to you!

I hope this doesn’t sound patronising though so I’ll just throw it out there.

When I was 21/22/23 30 seemed old and 40 seemed decidedly middle aged (to be fair it probably is but you know!)

I thought at 40 I’d be past most forms of enjoyment other than a nice cup of tea.

If you have a baby now when you’re 40 you’ll have adult or nearly adult children. Some people LOVE that but others feel they peaked too soon. Sometimes it’s worth hanging on for the good stuff.

One of my friends had a daughter (unplanned) at 19. Then decided she might as well do the family thing as a young woman then do college and so on. So she tried for another (got married) and had twins!

She then trained as a midwife!