Help, faint line, what shall I do?? (a bit long winded, sorry)

[nicmum2boys]

Hi,this site is so brilliant I have never needed to post a problem before, as someone is usually going through/been through what I am and I have picked up all the advice I need that way. However, I really feel I need someone to talk to on this one, as I don't really have anyone in RL I can turn to.
We have 2 DSs (4 and 15 months), have been on the mini pill, but a bit lax at taking it lately. Last wed/thur I had some light spotting, as period not due til this tues alarm bells started ringing, (am never early and thought could it be implantation bleeding?) Did a test on sunday with Boots own and got a v faint but definate positive. Tested again yesterday as I thought 2 days later line should be darker, but got the same v faint positive. Now I am in a right state, don't know how to feel as

1. DH does not want any more (and does not know all this yet) 2.Only time I ever had a faint pos before I went on to miscarry at 5 1/2 weeks (although the result was faint at 5 weeks) I really don't know what to think, if I am pg it will really mess things up in terms of relationship with DH (don't think he will believe it was an accident), but now I'm thinking I could miscarry again I suddenly really want this baby. I'm really scared. Sorry to ramble on so long, I really needed to get some of this out. What I need to know if poss is, has anyone ever experienced a faint line like this (with repeat testing), and what happened? Does anyone have an opinion on the best test to use, as I shall be testing again at the weekend (if I can wait that long, or bleeding hasn't started). Really hope some of this makes sense, thanks nic x

Nic, I agree with you about your best friend, this is not the time to lean on her as she has suffered such a horrendous and traumatic loss.
Whether we like it or not, men are different to women when it comes to children and being practical.
I have two children, the first being a surprise, the second planned. Had no stress trying for No 2 as we both agreed we wanted another. When I was preg with No 2, DH said this was the last and he would have a vasectomy. I thought two children would be enough for me, but even when baby was 4wks old, I knew I wanted another one or two. Have always dreamt of a large family. So in April decided to not use anything and see what happens. Was convinced it would happen quickly but with long cycles and I think a CM problem (now sorted) it took me a while to get things going. Became desperate (lots of postings on various ttc threads) and was so excited when I got a + test about four and a half weeks ago - started bleeding exactly three weeks ago.
My two friends who knew also said "maybe for the best, etc" which is supposed to be soothing but doesn't really work. The only solution is to get prg again! If yours was a surprise, ie you didn't even try, then you must have got prg easily. Just depends if you are willing to get preg without your DH's okay...I know I am and I have given this a lot of thought. Am stressing though every month and have developed a twitchy eye (not very attractive especially when trying to be a sex kitten!).
I feel that the only way I can smooth things over if I have do get prg again is that everything is running smoothly at home with no extra work for DH. That means more work/fatigue for me but worth it if I get what I want which is a larger family.
I OV'd today so am working on my twitchy eye for when DH arrives home and am just hoping he is in the mood...
Are you prepared to ttc without DH's consent?

Yes........no............don't know. Have been giving this much thought since the miscarriage happened. I don't know if I could deliberately deceive him, but then, I didn't tell him I had forgotten the pills that resulted in my falling pregnant, so a kind of deception I suppose.
So, does your DH think you are using contraception?
We had discussed what to do about contraception, and atm we are doing nothing to allow my hormones to settle (ha ha). After that, in a few months I don't know, he is keen to get a vasectomy, which is my worst nightmare, but I know it takes a few months for the count to go down to zero. We had thought about the cap as no madness inducing hormones involved, and I'm ashamed to say, I had already had the thought that he would never know if I didn't put it in. But if he ever found out, would he be able to forgive me?? I know I couldn't forgive him if he went and had a vasectomy without telling me. What do you think?

There has been so much discusison about conceiving without the full consent of your partner. Got to say that my gut reaction is to yell NO don?t do it - it is just not fair on your partner. Regardless of whether you agree with their reasons, their wishes should be respected especially when it involves such a long term major issue such as a baby -after all, imagine not wanting a child and trusting your partner to use condoms, only to fall pregnant and discover he had filled the condom full of holes - I know it is not much of a fair comparison in some ways, but you know what I mean.
However, I can only imagine what it must feel like, desperately longing for a child while your partner is dead set against it - it must be just mind blowingly, stomach churningly horrendous emotional battlefield. You have my utmost sympathies and I really hope that, whatever you decide to do, you are happy with your choice and that the people you care about most will be in a position to be happy and supportive too. Good Luck xx

Nic & shouldknow...
so sorry you're both in the same boat.
Well done for telling your mum Nic - it means you have someone to tell in RL when you're low, as it doesn't sound like dh is listening right now ...

I have miscarried twice, but have three lovely children now - the last one was conceived after a mc at 12 wks with no period in between, so it can be done
But my dh was just so matter of fact about losing the baby, as if it was no big deal. It hurt. And we didn't have the pressure you have (ie we both wanted no 3) - I can't imagine how you are both feeling.

So I will just send you some {{hugs}} and hope you can each work your situations out.
lots of love
xx

Hi Nic. My DH does think I am using contraception and it did cross my mind after 5 cycles of ttc that maybe DH had had a vasectomy. Did cast my mind back over the past few months and wondered if there was any two/three/four days when he hid himself, ie evidence of shaved pubic hair, etc. I couldn't think of any time he had done this and then getting preg confirmed he thankfully hadn't.
He told a friend of mine I could have as many children as I want as long as he doesn't have to change. He hasn't had to change and he is smitten with our children. I just want more. I know it's not ideal to be deceitful, in fact, it's monstrous but I do so long for another one or two and the feeling isn't going. Have always wanted more than two.
I know that I am going to persevere and I will just have to work harder to keep things under control and give DH the attention he wants if I am lucky enough to have another. I hear MNers screaming NOOOOOO but I work hard at keeping DH happy and go along with EVERYTHING he wants, EVERYTHING (he is demanding) except for this and I am allowed one thing surely...?
What you do Nic is obviously up to you and according to your situation. You might like to comfort yourself with the idea that if you are still feeling this way in 6mths time that you can then ttc if DH is still intact. Maybe give yourself some space to think over the next few months rather than rush in to making a rash decision. I had been thinking about another one since January, then started to ttc in April. Have given this a lot of thought.

I too have been thinking about this alot. Even before DS2 was born DH knew I wanted 3. I have always pictured myself with 3. Just worry the risk is he will either leave me, or (worse) resent me forever if he ever found out.
I do worry for you that all this is not supposed to be affecting his life, when you will need support too. Will he be there to pick up the pieces if you are not coping? (there are bound to be times for example when one, or worse all of them are ill for example). Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, just feels like our situations are very similar, and in lots of ways I'm trying to work out my own answers to these questions too!

Hi again Nic. No, you are not speaking out of turn. My DH wouldn't leave me over it as he is very happy (second marriage) and tells me over and over. If I had a third and became bad tempered, tired, irritable, nasty to him, no sex, etc, yes he would resent it and rightly so. So it would be up to me to cope with three and not expect him to do more because I want that extra one (or two). I am prepared for this extra work (and joy). I have had both children ill and yes it's difficult as they are so miserable but you just have to get through it. Even when they are ill, just looking at their little faces just maek me want to melt. I am making plans to send eldest to nursery x3 Ams's from January (have been to one trial, am trying another tomorrow) with a view to making life more organised to reassure him. I know it's a big step but I am really ready. Just got to get preg. Oh!

Feeling really low. We just don't seem to be able to talk about this, it's always there between us, feels like a mountain we are both sat there staring at but pretending is not there. Made worse at the moment as I'm pretty sure I am ovulating, but there is no way he is going to come near me as he knows I could get pregnant. I feel so torn, and that the only way I will ever have anymore children is to deceive him.
Then I flip flop, and think, we have 2 beautiful sons, why push my luck? There are so many things that could go wrong, and we are comfortable at the moment, I remember how panicked I felt when I found out I was pg before the miscarriage.
But then I can't believe I'll never feel that special feeling again, never feel pregnant, feel a baby kick, and hiccup,give birth again, or breastfeed again.
I feel so empty, and trapped. I know if I do nothing I'll regret it, but I don't know what I should be doing.

This is no easy solution to y/our situation. I don't know how old you are or if that's relevant, but maybe in time you will have different feelings (I have exactly the same) and accept that you will stop at two, or your DH will give in or what? I don't know. That longing for a baby and sadness at thinking you will never go through it again is all consuming. I remember going to a party three weeks before No2 was born and taking off this fabulous dress thinking I will never wear this again. Not because the dress was important but because if was bought specifically for a pregnant time and I was feeling sad at stopping at two. It's weird.
Y/our loss is only recent and may be affecting y/our emotions. Just take a deep breath, don't let it get you down or let it take over your life, concentrate on your DH and darling sons and in time your thinking will become clear and you will know what to do. Please don't despair.

My age is partly confounding the problem, I'm 34, (nearly 35), and while I know women have babies alot later than this, for me 35 is somewhat a cut off age, although I don't know why, so I guess it could be flexible. I just feel like it's now or never. I know my feelings are all mixed up. I also don't know how to broach the subject with DH without getting into a row about it. At the moment I know I'll go in all guns blazing, which will be totally counterproductive. But I know that he is just steadfastly ignoring it, safe in the knowledge that as time ticks by it'll be considered too late to have another anyhow. Meanwhile I feel like I'm crying inside all the time, and unable to express it on the outside because as far as he is concerned it's a closed subject .

I have read this thread with great interest and also sadness.

I am also in the situation where I would like a third and dh has said no. He has told me his reasons and to me they are not important at all. I just can't understand why he doesn't want another. Our kids are so lovely (IMO!) I think another could only bring greater riches to our family. I was especially interested in the last bit as htoughts of deceiving dh have passed through my head - I must confess!

I have been following your thread with great sadness.I am so sorry for your loss.I too lost my 1st but went on to have 3 gorgeous children.There is a big gap between my 1st 2 and my youngest.My DH has decided that 2 were enough especially as there is only 13 months between them but i became pg while on the pill and i can honestly say its the best thing that ever happened.My DH was devastated when i told him.He sort of came round but still had a vasectomy when i was 20 weeks.We even rowed when i was 36 weeks and he told me he didnt want THAT BABY!.BUT
BUT BUT.......when our son was born he went to pieces.The love he felt for him was overwhelming and he couldnt believe he hadnt wanted him!.The result~we now have a spoilt but totally gorgeous 2.5 year old with 2 very happy parents.P.s I alway pictured myself with 3 children too
*I really hope you and your DH can sort this out and i am sure my baby that i lost is in heaven playing and looking after yours!.xxx

Oh, finleysmum, your post has moved me to tears. Last night we sat down and had a talk (more accurately a row), and he basically said that I was trying to ruin our wonderful family, and that he did not under any circumstances want a third chid . He said he couldn't understand why our boys are not enough for me, and it seemed as if I felt that if I wasn't pg or bf then I felt I wasn't making a contribution, and I should just get over it. (He should be a counsellor, don't you think??) I complained that there was absolutely no chance of me getting pg since he won't come within a million miles of me, and his answer was that I didn't want him anywhere near me unless I was going to get pg.
His argument is having a third will split up the family, but like you janeybops, I think a third will enrich our family. It's so hard, as he didn't want DS2 until he arrived (although we weren't using contraception, he was still shocked when I got pg with him,as DS1 took 3 years in the making!) for much the same reasons. He knows he would love the baby, but just refuses to entertain it, and I can't believe how hostile he is being.
I just don't know what to do, backing down will break my heart, but it feels like one of us has to be heartbroken, and it'll probably be me.

How about a compromise?.
Tell him you understand that the prospect of a third child scares him but ask him how much he has enjoyed your sons.Then tell him that you feel incomplete without another child and that your body actually craves another.Finally ask him is he'd consider the idea to wait 6 months.If the feeling is still intense after this time then he must take your wishes seriously.Hopefully 6 months will let you get your house and body sorted and ready for another baby!.
I really,really feel for you both at this time.DH needs to allow his feelings to come out or they will eat him up but he needs to remember that you have just lost a baby and so has he!.
*Just a thought~when my best friend lost a baby a couple of years ago,my DH and i bought her a little fur tree for her garden.Fur trees are slow growing(like children) and it gives her something to mark this world and show her baby existed~if only briefly!.xxxxxx

Hi Nic - just checking back in on this thread to see how you are doing... sorry you're feeling so down
Agree totally with Finleysmum about waiting awhile. You and dh are both raw and hurting now from the shock of the pregnancy (and your reactions to it), the 'will it/won't it time that you had to wait to find out, and the m/c.

You need time to heal, both of you. You're doing brilliantly being loving parents to your 2 boys now - and you need to keep loving and trusting each other

Really feel for you - just read the post back and hope it doesn't sound preachy - it's not meant to be.
lots of {{{hugs}}}

Tickle, no, you don't sound preachy. TBH I know you're right. What is really hurting me right now is his downright refusal to acknowledge my feelings on this. He has decided 2 is enough, my feelings don't come into it. He has done this kind of thing before, it's like if he just stands his ground I'll give up, and I normally do. Just hurts so much that he won't take my feelings on board, and leaves me wondering about the future.
If he sat down and said "Look I know how much this means to you, how much you yearn for this, but I just can't do it", then yes, I'd be devestated, but at least I would feel like he had tried to put himself in my shoes.
I can see his point of view, I really can, shame he can't afford me the same courtesy.

Thanks finleysmum, I haven't suggested a compromise yet, as he is being pretty uncompromising about this . The tree is a brilliant idea, I really feel the need to do something.......... my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and the baby would have been due 4th of July, this baby would have been due 3rd of July, but 5 years later so I really feel like I need something to mark their existence, something I can look at that means "my babies" to me (and feeling sad that DH has not expressed simliar need).

Meiow, I know he would love the baby when it arrived, so does he, but he threw the "once we've had 3 what then, 4,5?" in my face. He just isn't listening. Keeps saying it would ruin the family (although I haven't asked him exactly how he thinks a new baby would do that, perhaps I will when I pluck up courage). So glad that everything turned out so good in the end for you, must have been so hurtful, the comments he made when you were pregnant.
I just feel so crushed by him atm. We are making plans for christmas, and even just making plans for the weekend, I am going along with it, but just keep thinking "this is all a sham, because you don't care about how I feel, you ie my DH are the only person who matters". Don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
On the plus side one thing holds firm, we are both head over heals in love with our boys, so I guess we have something to work from. nic xx.

Oh nic honey, I'm in tears from reading this thread, which I had seen before. I'm not sure I can offer much help but just wanted to send you a huge hug.

All I can share from previous experience is that things can feel so much better if you can talk through your troubles with someone - therapy if you like. You obviously can't talk openly to your dh at the moment, but maybe that will change over the next few months? Many men take a long time to get their emotions in order and close up completely for a while.

'Talking' on here must help a bit, but I was wondering if you have a friendly and sympathetic GP or health visitor you could talk to? I'm sure it would help you get through the next few months, and that might lead to your dh opening up a bit too if you weren't so obviously distressed, therefore breaking the cycle and allowing you to move on somehow?

HTH, Wifeof xxxx