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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Help, he’s decided he’s not ready.

96 replies

EmmaJane247 · 30/11/2020 01:06

Hi everyone.

I’m new here :) so, please please no hate. Not against me, I’m in a horrible situation.
My partner and I decided earlier this month that we wanted to start trying for a baby. I’m now pregnant (I’m scared but also excited). However we’ve discussed this news and he’s now decided he’s not ready. He expected it to be a few months before we got pregnant. I’m just really confused about what I can do, now he’s decided he’s not ready for one (TOO LATE I KNOW).
I am torn about it all and now worried this’ll be the end of the relationship as if we were to decide not to go ahead how Will I trust him and believe him when he is ready. I’m in such a bad place with the situation. And I have nobody to talk about it with, please help Sad

OP posts:
Seashells09 · 30/11/2020 01:21

How long have you been together. Have you asked him what are his reasons for not being ready. Yes he said he expected it to be a few months before you for pregnant but what did he think would change in those few months. Why would he be ready in a few months but not now. You need to ask him to he open about this and tell you exactly why he isn't ready as he said he was first. If he has any fears then you can both work on them. You can't resolve this without him being open and honest.

I also think it is really unfair on you for him to back out like this. A pregnancy should be an exciting thing for a woman especially as you both agreed this. He's taking that excitement away from you by acting like this. Please don't let him influence you, you should at the end do whatever it is that you wish to do.

Callcat · 30/11/2020 02:21

Your partner is a big fucking baby. Chuck him out until he decides he's ready, and give him not one thought until he grovels. How dare he mess with you like this.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 30/11/2020 02:29

This is really normal tbh. I'd give him breathing space.

My ds was very much planned but I didn't expect to fall pregnant pretty much the day we decided to give it a bash. I mean I know how things work, we already had a DD. Hmm but seeing that positive test made me into a massive brain fart about what the hell I was getting myself into and how we'd cope.

It worked out well. I calmed down and absolutely adore my ds........but my reaction at actually falling pregnant wasn't what I expected at all. I think I was in shock as it happened so quickly.

Pyewhacket · 30/11/2020 02:35

Perhaps the sudden reality of it has made him panic. I would give him time to get used to it and he’ll come round. It’s a big step in any bodies life and can take a little while to adjust to.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 30/11/2020 02:40

This is really normal tbh.

Hmm Is it? I have only ever heard of this once but the couple were completely immature and they’d only been together for 3 months before planning a baby. 🙄
I’d get rid. What an absolute waste of space.

grassisjeweled · 30/11/2020 02:48

How old is he?

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 30/11/2020 03:05

bad of course it's normal. When reality hits faster than expected.........in the same way something good happens and sometimes we have a mild panic.

I'd been with my DP 6 years, we'd bought a house and already had a child. I still had a massive panic when barely a fortnight after deciding to try for number 2 I tested positive.

Luckily I had a decent dp who supported me through it. Hmm

YukoandHiro · 30/11/2020 03:12

Well it will be a few months - almost a year - before he has to deal with the reality. Meanwhile you're all in from day 1 as pregnancy is no joke.
Sit him down and tell him how unfair it is that he's messing with your head like this when your body is already undergoing a tricky process. Tell him you'll give him time and there's no need to make any further plans til after the 12 week scan.
If you want this baby do not let him talk you into a termination. That absolutely would be the end of the relationship as you'll lose all trust.
Tell him that you realise he needs some time to adjust but remind him he consented willingly to get pregnant.

TomorrowToday · 30/11/2020 03:15

Agh what a weirdo.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 30/11/2020 07:10

When reality hits faster than expected

It can’t really be unexpected that you’re pregnant if you’ve decided to try for a baby and you’re having unprotected sex. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Moo678 · 30/11/2020 07:13

My husband was a bit like this. Had been desperate for kids for years. As soon as I got a positive test he was terrified! Before chucking him out I’d give him a bit of time and space - I think there’s a good chance he’ll come round. Congratulations x

User43210 · 30/11/2020 07:49

When me and my husband stopped not-trying, I was pregnant within a couple of months. It was quick and he was shocked and wasn't 100% sure that we were ready. I also had a panic a few days later whether we were ready and how quick it was. It's just the shock of the reality settling in. We were excited but it was much quicker than we expected (especially as we weren't actively trying and only DTD a handful of times)
Fast forward a couple of months and we lost the baby and we were both devastated.
This time round (3rd pregnancy now) it was more a case of "hurry up and get a positive" so haven't had doubts at all.

I think the doubts are just a blip and more a matter of the reality hitting home. Give him a chance to panic and come round, don't write him off because his brain works a little differently. And if he doesn't, then I'm sorry for you but you're definitely better off without him!

elfran · 30/11/2020 07:53

I have to back up the others who say this kind of thing can be normal.

My DH and I were both a bit shell shocked when I got my BFP - the first month we halfheartedly "tried" back in the summer. I was 36 at the time and we were both prepared for it to take up to a year, emotionally at least.

So even on my part, there was very little elation / excitement in the early weeks, we both just felt a bit dazed. My DH dealt with it by making endless spreadsheets and budgets - I'd find him reading carrier reviews in a slightly manic way. 😆 Now we're at the start of the third trimester and he (and I) couldn't be more excited - it's all baby kicks and nursery decor ideas and name discussions over here.

There is definitely a chance that OP's partner is just a useless waste of space, but I think she should give him a bit of time and space to get his head around everything before chucking him out and giving up on the idea they'll be a family.

JustAnotherUserinParadise · 30/11/2020 09:54

It doesn't sound that surprising to me! We waited years to try for a baby and as soon as I saw that second line my first words were "oh shit"... It is still very much wanted! Was just a shock!

If you're sure that termination isn't an option, it might help to tell him that. I think a lot of men don't realise that "getting rid" isn't an easy, painless, consequence-free thing. And once he knows the baby is definitely happening, he can get on board.

Disappointedkoala · 30/11/2020 10:07

I've got pregnant very quickly both times and it's been a shock despite both babies being tried for and very much wanted! Maybe he's been surprised by the speed and is just getting his head round it. I distinctly remember telling my husband that I wasn't ready for a baby and "we could wait a few years" while in labour with our first. I'm not a useless idiot, I was just scared and maybe he is too.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 30/11/2020 10:21

I honestly wouldn't be too worried, it's not an unusual reaction from either party, even when they've been trying for a while.

Just be matter of fact, 'we decided to start trying, it's happened faster than we expected, but here we are!'

Then just get on with it, he'll come around!

MimiDaisy11 · 30/11/2020 11:26

Hopefully, he just needs time like others said. I'm not sure what would really change in a few more months and it's not like the baby is coming right away. You have 9 months to prepare. Best of luck with everything!

Nesski · 30/11/2020 14:24

@EmmaJane247 there is never a time when everything has fallen into place so that you can say you're 'ready'. Lots of emotions are going through his head and it's quite easy to make throwaway comments when you get life changing news, as PP have mentioned already, reality doesn't really settle in until you see some scans and for some, see the package at the end of the 9 months! Just give him space and let him know you're there when he's able to think logically and emotions are back in check Smile

WildBluebell · 30/11/2020 15:08

When he's saying he's not ready, is it just an expression of emotion, as in "OMG! It happened so fast! I'm not ready at all!" or is he actually saying you should get an abortion and then try again in a few months time (what difference would that make?) ?
If it's just an emotion, it's nothing to worry about.

YoungScrappyHungry · 30/11/2020 15:11

What difference would a few months make to him at this stage anyway?

LolaLollypop · 30/11/2020 15:15

Tell him “well it’s too late now so the alternative is that we split up, you will pay through the nose for the child maintenance and also have the baby all to yourself every weekend. Or you can man up and we can do this together!”

See which he’d prefer Grin

Original poster
EmmaJane247 · 30/11/2020 16:14

His way of thinking is, just have an abortion and try again later on next year, maybe June, July. But to me that doesn’t make much of difference. He doesn’t really understand what I’ll have to go through if we do decide to abort. He is aware of the process and aware of what it’l do emotionally but shows no remorse to that Confused

OP posts:
bm2021 · 30/11/2020 16:31

His attitude is ridiculous and I think you need to tell him that. I am absolutely pro choice but not in situations like this, where you've actively chosen to try and get pregnant. Depending on how highly you think of him really dictates what you do going forward. Personally I'd tell him to man the f*ck up or get out until he does.

SofiaVergara · 30/11/2020 16:34

@EmmaJane247

His way of thinking is, just have an abortion and try again later on next year, maybe June, July. But to me that doesn’t make much of difference. He doesn’t really understand what I’ll have to go through if we do decide to abort. He is aware of the process and aware of what it’l do emotionally but shows no remorse to that Confused
How DARE he!!! Get him to f**k and tell him the only thing getting aborted is his toxic ass!!!!!
Omeara · 30/11/2020 16:36

Tell him to fuck off. He thinks you should have a termination only to try again in 6/7 months (although he’ll probably change his mind on this). What a prick.

What do you want?

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