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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Help, he’s decided he’s not ready.

96 replies

EmmaJane247 · 30/11/2020 01:06

Hi everyone.

I’m new here :) so, please please no hate. Not against me, I’m in a horrible situation.
My partner and I decided earlier this month that we wanted to start trying for a baby. I’m now pregnant (I’m scared but also excited). However we’ve discussed this news and he’s now decided he’s not ready. He expected it to be a few months before we got pregnant. I’m just really confused about what I can do, now he’s decided he’s not ready for one (TOO LATE I KNOW).
I am torn about it all and now worried this’ll be the end of the relationship as if we were to decide not to go ahead how Will I trust him and believe him when he is ready. I’m in such a bad place with the situation. And I have nobody to talk about it with, please help

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 30/11/2020 16:39

@bm2021

His attitude is ridiculous and I think you need to tell him that. I am absolutely pro choice but not in situations like this, where you've actively chosen to try and get pregnant. Depending on how highly you think of him really dictates what you do going forward. Personally I'd tell him to man the f*ck up or get out until he does.

Tell him firmly, strongly and unequivocally that this is not an option.

Tell him, you will be a father in 9 months. Whether you stay or go is up to you, and I know it’s a bit of a shock, but I am not having an abortion and then ‘trying again’ with you EVER so it is now or never if you want to be a parent with me.

Then leave him to think about it. Don’t beg, plead or cajole. Just let him decide. And then deal with the decision he comes to.

I’m sorry he’s being an arse. Hopefully he’ll give himself a kick and calm down.

Gertrudetheadelie · 30/11/2020 16:42

I also felt really scared when we got pregnant super quickly as I was expecting a bit of time to get used to trying. I remember being scared when I reached 20 weeks as there was no longer anything I could do (I didn't want to, but the finality was scary). My DH had to talk me round that it would be okay and I did want the baby and it was just fear talking. It can be normal. Depends if you think this kind of talk is genuine or panic.

Lucy830 · 30/11/2020 16:42

I am pro choice but having an abortion so that you could have a baby a few months down the road can stir up all sorts of emotions when you become pregnant again.

I wouldn’t even consider abortion an option in this case as it sounds like panic ‘I’m not ready’.

I tried for almost a year to have a baby and when I found out I was indeed pregnant, I too, found I wasn’t ready and it didn’t really change until I was 10 weeks pregnant and then I was so excited.

It takes time to set in. If you would like this baby then go ahead.

Good luck.

Viviennemary · 30/11/2020 16:45

What a total immature idiot he is. He had his chance to say he wasn't ready before you started ttc. And if he still isn't ready in a few months what then. Another abortion. He sounds the absolute pits. I'd walk away whatever you decide.

MyPersona · 30/11/2020 16:49

How old are you both, how long have you been together and what are your living arrangements? Have you discussed marriage?

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 30/11/2020 16:51

Op, in your situation you can just ignore him really. His emotions are his own. Let him come to terms with it, or not. In the meantime get yourself ready for baby, start putting money away, etc.

If you have an abortion now and stay with him afterwards, there are a few ways things could end up for you, and none of them are happy, really. One of the scary things about pregnancy etc is the horrible momeny that you realize there is no reset button. No matter what, once you're pregnant the only way out is through. Up to you whether you want to go through abortion and then waiting around for another baby with a guy who has demonstrated that he isnt too fussed about you, your body or your feelings.

IJustWantSomeBees · 30/11/2020 16:51

His attitude is disgusting. Talking about termination as if the effect it would have on your body and mind is of no consequence, and like your body is just there to either create or get rid of a baby depending on his mood that day. OP I would have a very hard think about whether you want to start a family with this guy.

Chloemol · 30/11/2020 16:52

His attitude stinks, he seriously thinks it’s ok for you to have a termination now and tryagain next year!

It’s not as simple as that though, and he has no idea what a woman goes through for a termination,

Op I don’t think this will end well, you have a termination and you will end up resenting him. You don’t have one and he could end up resenting you

You need to do what you want to do here

LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 30/11/2020 16:56

It can’t really be unexpected that you’re pregnant if you’ve decided to try for a baby and you’re having unprotected sex

To be fair, when I decided to try the first time, I expected it to take ages, and was shocked and scared when I was pregnant what seemed like days after deciding to do it!
Didn't stop me being upset when I m/c though.

He is being a dick but it's not that odd that he doesn't feel quite ready. Tell him to cop the fuck on though, he decided it and its done now. Tough shit!

LST · 30/11/2020 16:56

Wow. He seems like a keeper! What is he 16?

You need to sit him down and tell him your feelings about this. Your mental health and emotional well being will take a hit if you abort a wanted baby. Especially only to try again in a few months

Luckyelephant1 · 30/11/2020 16:58

@EmmaJane247

His way of thinking is, just have an abortion and try again later on next year, maybe June, July. But to me that doesn’t make much of difference. He doesn’t really understand what I’ll have to go through if we do decide to abort. He is aware of the process and aware of what it’l do emotionally but shows no remorse to that

But what exactly is he expecting to change in the next 6 or 7 months? Are you going though other major life changes like new jobs or house moves or other big financial changes etc? Or is he simply just being a coward? If it's the latter then I doubt things will change in a few months. Cold feet is normal but not to the point of making you abort. Do not let him force you into an abortion!

gumball37 · 30/11/2020 17:04

I say this all as a single mom (the first due to divorce while pregnant and the 2nd and 3rd by choice as a single woman). I would not abort because he changed his mind. If he no longer wants to be a part of this, then separate and go your own ways.

Best of luck in this decision and life.

LemonBreeland · 30/11/2020 17:25

What is going to change for him in 6 moths time? Realistically, nothing. He is being awful. I'd be giving him an ultimatum. If he doesn't want this baby then there won't be another one with you, as it will be the end of your relationship as you can no longer trust him.

Ultimately you need to do what is right for you. If you don't want an abortion, be prepared to be a single mother.

Original poster

EmmaJane247 · 30/11/2020 17:51

I want a baby, I want a family. I have super strong maternal instincts and it’s my goal to have a happy family, however I’m worried that due to his behaviour he’s shown colours I’m not entirely happy with or comfortable with, and I know a baby would tie me to him, if I decide this relationship isn’t what I want.
I’ve never been this confused. We’ve had a rough few years, he’s been an idiot but for the past 2 years he’s been great and I honestly thought and believed we were both ready for this ( he said he was, so obviously going to believe him)
This whole ready for a baby was his idea to begin with. He is the one who brought it up first, I’ve been ready for years to be a mum however the relationship hasn’t. thanks for everyone’s support. I was worried people would judge me, I know I haven’t done anything wrong but posts like this sometimes brings hate

OP posts:

Parkandride · 30/11/2020 17:52

So he wanted extra sex but not the actually pregnancy... you're not going to want to shag him in 6 months after going through a termination, not knowing if he'll freak out again, so forget that stupid plan.
Hope you're OK

Original poster

EmmaJane247 · 30/11/2020 17:53

We are currently buying a house, we know we can afford it. It’s just right for us, we are nearly completed hopefully before the new year, but that shouldn’t make a difference to this as he knew that when we made the decision to try x

OP posts:

Serenschintte · 30/11/2020 17:56

He sounds like an idiot. He could also be a frightened idiot. Now the situation is realz
I hope you manage to sort it out Op. Does he understand being pregnant isn’t like getting something from shop that if you change you mind you can take it back?

sobsanta · 30/11/2020 18:00

Please do not have an abortion for this man.

LittleBearPad · 30/11/2020 18:11

How old are you both?

Hopefully he’s just being an immature idiot and will snap out of it in a day or so, think ‘what the hell was I thinking’ realise he’s been a fuckwit and you can move on.

If any of this isn’t the case then seriously think about the relationship and whether you want to do this alone.

LittleBearPad · 30/11/2020 18:12

And if you haven’t exchanged then don’t rush to - that will mean you have to complete or lose your deposit.

Waitingforbabypage · 30/11/2020 18:18

I have 2 kids, a stepson and one on the way and I'm not ready for children 😂
Jokes aside, I would massively suggest you do not terminate the pregnancy- unless it is absolutely something you want to go through. I got bullied in to an abortion and have regretted it every day for 15 years. As it wasn't 100% my choice, it messed with my mental health. Please think long and hard.

jessstan1 · 30/11/2020 18:22

He is probably panicking, at least I hope so. He really shouldn't be suggestion abortion.

I know people do panic when pregnancy is a reality; it's a nice little pipe dream before that. Even my lovely husband had a couple of days of panic when I was first pregnant - he was 30 and it was planned! Thankfully it was soon over and he didn't say anything nasty, just felt unwell :-).

You said, "...we got pregnant..". No, only you became pregnant, your partner certainly isn't.

IWantT0BreakFree · 30/11/2020 18:33

He sounds absolutely vile. You've explained to him that an abortion would cause you emotional distress and come with physical risks to your health, but he doesn't care. He wants to have unprotected sex and expects you to "just" have an abortion if he decides he's still not ready. How many abortions will he expect you to potentially have before he decides he wants to be a dad? He knows you are in a vulnerable position now being pregnant by someone who's suddenly unsupportive. How could someone do that to their partner? It beggars belief.

Quite honestly I couldn't be with a man who could be so callous and cold towards me and towards a planned and wanted pregnancy.

This is a very tricky situation for you, OP. I understand why you're in a quandary. Unless he immediately grovels and has a drastic change of heart (unprompted) and claims he just had a moment of madness out of shock, then I would not stay with him in your shoes. I'd never look at him the same again or be able to trust our joint plans for the future.

NoSquirrels · 30/11/2020 19:18

Have you exchanged on the house, OP? I really hope not. If you have, that’s a horribly hard decision to make as you’ll find it very difficult to move in with this situation going on.

Someone needs to read him the riot act. Do you live together currently? If you do, send him somewhere else to think urgently about whether he’s committed to you and the relationship or not.

I’m so sorry, OP.

Original poster

EmmaJane247 · 30/11/2020 20:07

We are buying from my parents. I’m in a pickle with that as if we were to not go ahead with the house sale then it will effect theirs too and I don’t want to let them down. Oh how I managed to get myself into such a mess

OP posts:

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