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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Help, he’s decided he’s not ready.

96 replies

EmmaJane247 · 30/11/2020 01:06

Hi everyone.

I’m new here :) so, please please no hate. Not against me, I’m in a horrible situation.
My partner and I decided earlier this month that we wanted to start trying for a baby. I’m now pregnant (I’m scared but also excited). However we’ve discussed this news and he’s now decided he’s not ready. He expected it to be a few months before we got pregnant. I’m just really confused about what I can do, now he’s decided he’s not ready for one (TOO LATE I KNOW).
I am torn about it all and now worried this’ll be the end of the relationship as if we were to decide not to go ahead how Will I trust him and believe him when he is ready. I’m in such a bad place with the situation. And I have nobody to talk about it with, please help Sad

OP posts:
Wheresyourclapham · 02/12/2020 01:04

Talk to your parents and pull out of the house sale. Your parents will understand. Plus, they will only want the best for you.

This is awful and would be the end of the relationship for me, as I could never trust him again. If you stay, you’re likely to have further relationship issues with him in future after this.

You need to decide whether you want to be a single parent or not. So sorry for you 💐

EmmaJane247 · 02/12/2020 11:22

@Grittlelayrabbit We have been together for 5 years, I’m 25 years old and he is a few years older than me! He hasn’t been the best, however we are all complicated creatures. So for part of the relationship I understood his actions. However for the past year/ 2 years we’ve been really good

OP posts:
Rollingpiglet · 02/12/2020 11:59

I could understand him having a wobble, but casually deciding you should have an abortion, and try again later when it suits him is appalling. I would definitely end the relationship, and take some time to think about whether you want to have the baby alone. I can't see how you could ever trust him again.

KyraGoose · 02/12/2020 12:02

Tough. Get ready or get out.

Moandy · 02/12/2020 15:28

Having an abortion for a baby you wanted and tried for, will probably hurt you more than getting rid of this sorry loser. A matter of months makes no different. He should've thought of the consequences before agreeing to try for a baby. It'll still be 8 months or so before baby is here. I'd give him an ultimatum to use them months to grow a pair and prepare himself or sack him off.

jessstan1 · 02/12/2020 21:18

Has he said any more about it, Emma Jane?

EmmaJane247 · 03/12/2020 11:24

@jessstan1 no he hasn’t, every time I talk to him, he gives me 100 reasons why he doesn’t want to carry on the pregnancy, anywhere from COVID to finance to job worry’s. I can’t argue against his points as they are valid to some extent but that doesn’t diminish what I will have to go through.

OP posts:
NotDesmondsBoat · 03/12/2020 13:19

If you terminate for him your relationship will not last. Only do what is best for you and your baby. Could you parent alone? Would you want to be with him after this betrayal?

ZooKeeper19 · 03/12/2020 14:20

@EmmaJane247 he will never be ready. As previous posters said. If you terminate because he said so, the relationship will crash anyway.

We have tried for a baby for 4 years and when I fell pg my bf said "oh, wow, what now" (so even then he was not ready). We now are expecting 2nd and (surprise surprise) when I told him I am pg he was "whaaat? How?".

So my advice is - you do what you want and he can man up, or go. House or no house, go ahead and buy if you don't want to upset parents etc but termination is traumatic and doing it because you are forced is even more so. It's not him who will have to live with this, it's you. I am pro-choice but this seems like he is making the choice for you. Don't let him do that.

cakecakecheese · 03/12/2020 14:50

[quote EmmaJane247]@jessstan1 no he hasn’t, every time I talk to him, he gives me 100 reasons why he doesn’t want to carry on the pregnancy, anywhere from COVID to finance to job worry’s. I can’t argue against his points as they are valid to some extent but that doesn’t diminish what I will have to go through.[/quote]
But these things were still a possibility when he agreed to start trying! He should have thought that through beforehand, it's all just sounding like excuses now.

Groovinpeanut · 03/12/2020 17:49

Surely Covid, job/ financial worries etc. were a factor when you both decided to TTC?

If they weren't a problem then, why now?

I'd just cut him loose. You give your age, but describe him a few years older than you? If he's being a prat now, it can't even really be considered to be down to being young and immature.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2020 18:06

[quote EmmaJane247]@jessstan1 no he hasn’t, every time I talk to him, he gives me 100 reasons why he doesn’t want to carry on the pregnancy, anywhere from COVID to finance to job worry’s. I can’t argue against his points as they are valid to some extent but that doesn’t diminish what I will have to go through.[/quote]
If it was May 2019 he'd have a point, but virtually no one except the heavily pregnant can claim they didn't know they'd be having a baby during / post pandemic. And what will be different in 6 months? What will the next reason be when he's said yes and then changed his mind?

Make the decision that's right for you, he can grow up or go

jessstan1 · 04/12/2020 01:53

[quote EmmaJane247]@jessstan1 no he hasn’t, every time I talk to him, he gives me 100 reasons why he doesn’t want to carry on the pregnancy, anywhere from COVID to finance to job worry’s. I can’t argue against his points as they are valid to some extent but that doesn’t diminish what I will have to go through.[/quote]
If you want your baby, tell him firmly and give him the choice to stay or leave. Remind him that he agreed to 'try' for a baby and he should have known it only takes once to conceive. Then refuse to discuss it any more.

I have a feeling you will be able to work this out, Emma. You must follow your instincts, he is the one being unreasonable.

Good luck.

NoSquirrels · 04/12/2020 08:03

[quote EmmaJane247]@jessstan1 no he hasn’t, every time I talk to him, he gives me 100 reasons why he doesn’t want to carry on the pregnancy, anywhere from COVID to finance to job worry’s. I can’t argue against his points as they are valid to some extent but that doesn’t diminish what I will have to go through.[/quote]
Have you told anyone - your parents?

As I said, earlier in the thread, I think you need to be very clear with him: support me or leave. Make sure he understands termination, then staying together and “trying again” is not an option.

(I say this as someone who had a termination that I do not regret, and went on to have children with the same partner. But it was my decision 100%, the pregnancy was accidental and early in our relationship. It was another 5+ years before we were ready for a baby.)

I can’t argue against his points as they are valid to some extent but that doesn’t diminish what I will have to go through.

Your mistake is in talking about it as if he is allowed “valid points” when it’s YOUR decision. You don’t need to argue about it. You just need to tell him you won’t be terminating because this is a planned for and wanted baby.

It must be scary, I’m sorry. But if you’re going to be a parent, if that’s what you want, then you’ll need to take the hard decisions a d start telling other people so you can get support.

Termination is the easy option, in many ways. But not if you don’t want it. I am pro-choice and the CHOICE must be the woman’s, for obvious reasons.

PegasusReturns · 04/12/2020 08:10

OP you’re being very coy about the relationship.

Reading between the lines I’m going to guess he’s early 30s and that he’s treated you appallingly: probably cheated and likely got some sort of drinking/weed addiction.

So I’d have the abortion and then I’d run and never look back. He’s not the man for you. You have your whole life ahead. Do not saddle yourself with a man who has “not been the best”.

Your parents will want you to be happy above all else. If they don’t, then I suspect they’re the reason why at 25 you’re willing to accept such a sorry excuse for a man

JemimaTiggywinkle · 04/12/2020 08:20

So he wants you to have an abortion, and then get pregnant again on demand when it suits him?

You speak about the emotional pain an abortion would cause you.

Aside from him being fine with intentionally putting you through this pain, doesn’t it alarm you that deciding to abort his child wouldn’t cause him any pain at all?

You can’t rely on this man to support you or your potential children.

Tsubasa1 · 04/12/2020 08:26

He said he wanted to try and now he says no!!! What a horrible person, you can't undo a baby. Yes you can have an abortion but it seems really unfair on this baby that you both wanted.

KatzP · 04/12/2020 08:36

@PegasusReturns

OP you’re being very coy about the relationship.

Reading between the lines I’m going to guess he’s early 30s and that he’s treated you appallingly: probably cheated and likely got some sort of drinking/weed addiction.

So I’d have the abortion and then I’d run and never look back. He’s not the man for you. You have your whole life ahead. Do not saddle yourself with a man who has “not been the best”.

Your parents will want you to be happy above all else. If they don’t, then I suspect they’re the reason why at 25 you’re willing to accept such a sorry excuse for a man

This was my thoughts exactly. Based on all you’ve said I’d end the relationship. It doesn’t seem likely to survive whatever you decide regarding the baby.

Keeping the baby or not is totally your choice. If you want to go it alone do. If you don’t then don’t. At 25 yes you should have time to meet someone else and for children in the future. But as others have pointed out there are no guarantees so think carefully how you’d feel if you struggled to have a baby in the future after having an abortion now.

jessstan1 · 04/12/2020 13:51

I have to say I would probably react as you and Pegasus have suggested, Katz, but it is really up to the op how she proceeds.

Honestly, men!

StrippedFridge · 04/12/2020 14:00

Five year relationship and for the last year he has been good

Your boundaries are not good.

Cut your losses. This man is not the man for you. Apologise to your parents. Get rid of the bloke. Decide for yourself if you want to be a single parent now or not a parent. Happy families won't be one of your options with this man.

Next time don't keep a man because he has great excuses for having mistreated you. The great excuses mean you can feel more sorry for him than angry at him after you dump him. That's all.

VWLolabunny9119 · 04/12/2020 14:48

Ok he's scared but does he not have a shred of care for how you feel? He's happy to just say he wants a baby, knock you up and then the audacity or this pr1-k thinks he has the luxury to change his mind? When your baby grows up and starts talking back will he decide he doesn't want to be the Dad any more. This baby deserves better and your partner deserves to be in the trash. Anyone who disagrees needs to take a look in the mirror and re evaluate their self worth!

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