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Original poster

Help, he’s decided he’s not ready.

96 replies

EmmaJane247 · 30/11/2020 01:06

Hi everyone.

I’m new here :) so, please please no hate. Not against me, I’m in a horrible situation.
My partner and I decided earlier this month that we wanted to start trying for a baby. I’m now pregnant (I’m scared but also excited). However we’ve discussed this news and he’s now decided he’s not ready. He expected it to be a few months before we got pregnant. I’m just really confused about what I can do, now he’s decided he’s not ready for one (TOO LATE I KNOW).
I am torn about it all and now worried this’ll be the end of the relationship as if we were to decide not to go ahead how Will I trust him and believe him when he is ready. I’m in such a bad place with the situation. And I have nobody to talk about it with, please help Sad

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 01/12/2020 01:56

@EmmaJane247

We are buying from my parents. I’m in a pickle with that as if we were to not go ahead with the house sale then it will effect theirs too and I don’t want to let them down. Oh how I managed to get myself into such a mess Sad
You didn't, Emma. It takes two you know and it isn't as if you hadn't discussed trying for a baby.

I'm hoping he'll come round and be sorry. If I was superstitious I'd say, "Fingers crossed", but I'm not.

Please keep us informed.

Jobsharenightmare · 01/12/2020 02:11

Is he mid 20s? It sounds like he is years away from being a good father or husband. Not necessarily a bad bloke. Just not where you are at.

Talk to your parents. Explain he wants you to have an abortion and his reasons and they themselves will probably tell you to back out of buying the house!

NoSquirrels · 01/12/2020 04:18

@EmmaJane247

We are buying from my parents. I’m in a pickle with that as if we were to not go ahead with the house sale then it will effect theirs too and I don’t want to let them down. Oh how I managed to get myself into such a mess Sad
I’m so sorry, it being your parents must make it feel worse to you. But if you’ve got a good relationship with them it might make it easier - if you were my daughter I’d let 100 sales fall through if I could support you right now. Please talk to them as soon as you can. Don’t delay to spare your partner’s blushes - he really is behaving awfully and so he doesn’t deserve you trying to protect what people think of him. It’s not your fault.
KitKatastrophe · 01/12/2020 04:40

@EmmaJane247

We are buying from my parents. I’m in a pickle with that as if we were to not go ahead with the house sale then it will effect theirs too and I don’t want to let them down. Oh how I managed to get myself into such a mess Sad
It's not your fault, I'm sure you couldnt foresee him suddenly becoming a dickhead the minutes you became pregnant. I'm sure your parents would understand and would rather put their child and future grandchild's health and happiness first, although no doubt it will be a tricky situation.

I dont see how the relationship can continue after this. If you keep the pregnancy (which it sounds like you really want to, and therefore should) then even if he decides he is "on board" you'll always have the memory of what he wanted you to do. If you abort, there will be resentment and you won't want to try again when he decides he is ready, in case the same thing happens again.

Beautiful3 · 01/12/2020 05:08

He thinks you should have an abortion to kill your baby, and make a new one next year?!!! Wow that's disgusting. This is an actual human baby, that you both wanted to make. Imagine if you struggled to make another or worse, he tells you next year that he's still not ready, so have another abortion?! I would keep it and love it. He sounds like an arsehole.

UsedUpUsername · 01/12/2020 05:18

@EmmaJane247

His way of thinking is, just have an abortion and try again later on next year, maybe June, July. But to me that doesn’t make much of difference. He doesn’t really understand what I’ll have to go through if we do decide to abort. He is aware of the process and aware of what it’l do emotionally but shows no remorse to that Confused
There are no words. ‘Just’ have an abortion?
PatchworkElmer · 01/12/2020 05:24

I would make a decision based on what you want- take his feelings out of the equation as he’s shown them to be utterly changeable. Personally I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him after this.

sniffsniff · 01/12/2020 06:48

@PatchworkElmer

I would make a decision based on what you want- take his feelings out of the equation as he’s shown them to be utterly changeable. Personally I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him after this.
Totally agree. So sorry you are in this situation OP, it's not your fault and there's nothing you could have done differently.

Whatever decision you make, please make sure it's in your own best interests. If you want this pregnancy, then do not have an abortion. He might just be shocked and come round, or equally it might be a bit of a death knell for your relationship. No one knows but please do protect yourself.

MRC20 · 01/12/2020 06:56

To be honest I don't think this is uncommon. My DP and I tried for years and when I finally got pregnant after very expensive IVF, DP suddenly changed his mind and said he wasn't ready.
Well I told him he'd better get ready soon or leave. He stayed and it was fine, he just panicked. Hopefully he just needs some time to get his head round it. Good luck xx

Roselilly36 · 01/12/2020 06:56

Flowers you must be so upset OP. Keep your baby, he will have to accept that you are having the baby with or without him. What an awful predicament to find yourself in when your baby was planned. I expect he’s just panicking, now reality has dawned. I have known a few men that have been very off about their partners pregnancies, but they have actually made brilliant fathers/husbands/partners in the end. So don’t give up hope. Wishing you all the very best for the future OP.

MRC20 · 01/12/2020 06:59

Sorry I didn't read the whole thread. ‘Just’ have an abortion and try again next year??????
WTAF, never have a termination unless it's what you really want. If you were to do this the relationship likely wouldn't survive the trauma anyway so you may as well keep your child and get rid of your bf.

bm2021 · 01/12/2020 07:07

I’m really sorry you’re in this position. What a prick he is to have put you there. If it’s looking likely that he’s not just having an immature ‘oh shit’ moment and he genuinely stands by what he’s said to you then it’s absolutely worth going through the hassle of backing out of the house purchase now to save yourself being tied to him in more ways than you already are and having to deal with that further down the line. As others have said your parents should put you first and if you explain the situation I’m sure they will support you.

The situation with him needs addressing first of all so you can work out your next moves regarding the house and the pregnancy. And you obviously need to put yourself first. Has this changed how you feel about him permanently or would you be able to move on if he does come to you tail between his legs and full of apology for what he’s said/suggested?

happylittlechick · 01/12/2020 07:11

You must be really early pregnant so he's only just found out. Could it be nerves? Might he come around in a few weeks? When it's had time to sink in. I know I felt very overwhelmed when I first found out.
I

ArtemisBean · 01/12/2020 07:16

Horrified that he actually suggested you have an abortion. As if it's a fucking haircut. What an insensitive and clueless idiot.

BalloonSlayer · 01/12/2020 07:40

Talk to your parents ASAP.

Telling a woman you want to have a baby, enthusiastically trying for one, then promptly saying you've changed your mind and she should have an abortion is abusive in my view.

It's a statistic that abuse often begins in pregnancy. This one has shot his bolt just a bit too soon, just before you have tied yourself to him with a mortgage. You have the tiniest window to get away, use it.

Persipan · 01/12/2020 07:54

@MRC20

To be honest I don't think this is uncommon. My DP and I tried for years and when I finally got pregnant after very expensive IVF, DP suddenly changed his mind and said he wasn't ready. Well I told him he'd better get ready soon or leave. He stayed and it was fine, he just panicked. Hopefully he just needs some time to get his head round it. Good luck xx
Heck, I panicked and thought I wasn't ready when, after five years and multiple cycles of IVF, I finally got a pregnancy to stick! And certainly, buying a house is a highly stressful experience, which is probably adding to the situation.

That said, the OP's partner suggesting terminating the pregnancy and trying again in six months is pretty horrific. OP, in your position I'd be putting it to him that the paths before him were either house + baby now, or splitting up (and personally I'd still go ahead and have the baby in that circumstance), and that in no way would terminating and trying again in six months be an option.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 01/12/2020 22:33

Wow just wow. A friend of mine had her “dear” fiancé do this to her. They aren’t married, engaged or even together now. He’s a dead beat dad. My friend and her child are doing well but it’s not thanks to him. He talked her into having a child, she already had a child from a previous relationship but was more than happy with one. Over time he wore he down, it took a couple of months to get pregnant and then he freaked out. Tried to persuade her to have an abortion, she point blank refused despite him promising they could have another baby in the future. At the 12 weeks point he got a job offer he couldn’t refuse (apparently!), fucked off to the Middle East and only resurfaced the day baby was born.

What a total prick, so sorry he’s done this to you. The house is a separate issue. You need to figure out if you want the baby on your own and even try to salvage your relationship. Personally l wouldn’t bother

For the record my fiancé would love to be a dad. After 2.5 years of trying, including IVF and fertility drugs then we have got nowhere so that looks unlikely. Fertility is a fickle thing, after an abortion and 6 months further into the future then there are no guarantees. Even assuming it is 6 months, my cynical side thinks there would be many blocks put in the way after this reaction

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/12/2020 23:21

Putting yourself through an abortion to try again in 6 months sounds crazy to me! Whatever you decide regarding the baby, I would definitely dump the boyfriend!

MRC20 · 02/12/2020 00:04

@persipan

Oh I completely agree, I hadn't reached the termination part for my first post. I found it really hard to forgive DP for what he said but he in no way ever considered we wouldn't go through with it.

I feel for you OP, I'm not sure I could ever forgive or raise a child with a man who thinks like this xxx

MRC20 · 02/12/2020 00:12

If I were you I'd tell your parents. They care more about you and their GC than a house, they can buy another. They won't want you to buy a house and further tie yourself to a man you're unsure of (even if it's a REALLY nice house).

Why would you even consider a termination when you say yourself you're yearning to be a mum and have been ready for years. Madness, unless it's what you really want, a termination under these circumstances could well affect you negatively for the rest of your life.

If you decide you don't want to be with this man, I understand you don't want to be tied to him but that decision ship has sailed, you'll have to make the best of it like everyone else. You'll do it. Speak to your parents xx

SleepingStandingUp · 02/12/2020 00:13

How long has he known? Of on being kind and it's very new news of say give him a few days to get used to it, but make it clear you don't want an abortion

Groovinpeanut · 02/12/2020 00:21

Why would you think you'd be responded to in a hateful way?

I think you and your partner need to have a long chat about moving forward. He may be having a wobble, or he's realised it's not what he wanted now he's faced with the reality.
If he's not going to be onboard then you have decide what you want to do.

It's not fair him saying for you to terminate and then try again at a later date... What happens if he decides its not for him then?

Grittlelayrabbit · 02/12/2020 00:29

You haven’t said how old you are and how long you’ve been together. So I’m guessing you’re mid late thirties minimum, and this prince has been on-offing for years and has also behaved like a massive dick in between. Tell me I’m wrong...

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/12/2020 00:34

If you abort a wanted baby to try again in 6 months with the same partner I guarantee your relationship won't last.

I'm extremely pro choice but that is batshit.

If you decide you don't want to carry on a relationship with him and abort because YOU want to, that's different.

Sparkles1992 · 02/12/2020 01:00

My baby was planned by us both, I got pregnant the first month and my ex backed right off and left me when I was 19 weeks. My little boy is 18 months now and his 'dad' hasn't seen him for months. My little boy is the best thing that's happened to me and your baby would be too, the hardest part for me was the thought of having to be away from my son esp in those early months. It never happened though thankfully. I was devastated we wouldn't be a 'proper family' but it is what it is, me and my little boy are happy and whatever you decide to do you need to make the choice for yourself. If you terminate the pregnancy, you prob won't want to stay with him anyway after that but a baby will also tie you to him, unless he disappears too. Have a long hard think about what's best for you and good luck x