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Original poster

Gender Disappointment

83 replies

Tinad91 · 02/07/2020 22:35

I feel like I am the worst mum to be in the world. I was really hoping for a baby girl but we are having a baby boy. Baby is healthy and strong 'touch wood' but I can't help feel disappointment! I feel so guilty. Am I alone in this?

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mamasiz · 02/07/2020 22:38

Not alone, but speaking as a mum to a little boy, you have so much to look forward to! Enjoy your pregnancy x

Original poster
Tinad91 · 02/07/2020 22:39

Thank you. I am so incredibly blessed to be carrying a healthy baby boy but I suppose everyone has a vision in their heads don't they? I know I love him already x

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinad91 · 02/07/2020 22:39

Thank you. I am so incredibly blessed to be carrying a healthy baby boy but I suppose everyone has a vision in their heads don't they? I know I love him already x

OP posts:
frankiefirstyear · 02/07/2020 22:41

No, you are not alone. I had to find out what I was having because I felt I had to give myself the chance to come to terms with gender disappointment. It's a rollercoaster of guilt as well as disappointment but I think it's perfectly natural for some people. The more time that passes the easier it will hopefully get for you Thanks

LovingLola · 02/07/2020 22:43

Am I alone in this?

No. This is a regular topic on MN.
Search for ‘gender disappointment’ using the search function and you’ll find lots of threads.

Twizzleisadancer · 02/07/2020 22:57

this is always about wanting a girl and getting a boy isn't it...

grey12 · 02/07/2020 22:57

Not exactly the same thing but...

I was told DD1 was a boy. Then on the next scan that it was a girl. I felt so empty.... my little boy was gone.... i had imagined a life for him, bedroom decor and all.

I would say to allow yourself a few days to grieve the loss of the "little girl from your head" and afterwards you can start imagining the life of the your little boy :)

I was into industrial decor and those funny lamps made out of copper pipping in the shape of people Grin with the 3rd girl on the way I don't think it fits....

DramaAlpaca · 02/07/2020 23:00

@Twizzleisadancer

this is always about wanting a girl and getting a boy isn't it...
It is, isn't it. Such a shame.

I shouldn't really comment as I only have boys and never had any particular desire to have a girl, so I can't say I understand.

FilthyforFirth · 02/07/2020 23:03

Yes, this is never having a girl and being disappointed it's not a boy...

LH1987 · 03/07/2020 06:10

You are not alone and be prepared, Mumsnet posters can get very upset about this topic, also be prepared to be corrected about the difference between sex and gender (I'm still not clear but appearently they are very clearly different!).

This disappointment is momentary and is based on the fact you were expecting a girl so now she is effectively gone which you are grieving for. Very soon you will just be excited for your gorgeous baby boy. Congratulations!

CoalCraft · 03/07/2020 06:42

It's very common and doesn't mean you'll be a bad mum, in a few days the feeling will pass and you'll start to feel excited about your beautiful baby boy xx

Just a warning, MN can come down on this topic like a ton of bricks and it can be quite unhelpful. It's worse if it's the father that's disappointed and if either parent expresses a preference for a baby of their own sex.

sashh · 03/07/2020 06:54

the difference between sex and gender (I'm still not clear but appearently they are very clearly different!).

Really simple, sex is the biology / physiology, if your baby has a penis it is a boy, if it has a vulva it is a girl and will go on to have periods.

Gender is a social construct and different societies socialise their children into gender roles. This is why in the UK boys are allowed to play 'rough' games and girls are told how pretty they or their dress is.

In some cultures women are 'not clever enough' to do embroidery, in other men wear skirts, although they are usually called something else, a sarong or kilt.

In many Muslim countries women have to wear specific clothes that cover varying amounts of hair and body.

CountFosco · 03/07/2020 07:00

What did you think you could do with a girl child that you couldn't do with a boy child? Gender disappointment just tells us you are going to stereotype your child from before they are born. Let them be themselves, whether that's a football playing girl or a ballet dancing boy.

SallyWD · 03/07/2020 07:11

Allow yourself time to grieve then focus on the lovely little boy you're having. My DS brings so much joy. He's adorable, hilarious, loving, curious. He's 7 and has a whole army of Teddy bears he brings from room to room. I can't imagine life without him.

SpillTheTeaa · 03/07/2020 07:13

Sometimes I wish they didn't allow people to find out their baby's sex 🤷🏻‍♀️

UsedUpUsername · 03/07/2020 07:14

this is always about wanting a girl and getting a boy isn't it

This society is very opposite China and India, that I can tell you.

Anon778833 · 03/07/2020 07:16

I never felt this way about gender but it certainly is very common OP, and you are not alone. You can’t help how you feel. Actually I think that by the time your baby is born you will be looking forward to meeting your son.

this is always about wanting a girl and getting a boy isn't it

Is it? I can’t remember if I’ve seen it the other way but I do remember hearing someone IRL saying ‘who really wants a girl’

Original poster
Tinad91 · 03/07/2020 07:18

To any negative comments - As I've said I'm well aware of the fact I shouldn't feel sad about it but I did and that's that. I feel better than I did and just so grateful that he is healthy and I cannot wait to meet him in December Smile

OP posts:
MangoFeverDream · 03/07/2020 07:22

Sometimes I wish they didn't allow people to find out their baby's sex

They don’t allow it in China (although there are rogue sonographers). Of course the outcome there is way more serious than just feeling a bit sad for a while.

Livpool · 03/07/2020 07:24

I didn't care what I was having and didn't find out the sex. However, DS is amazing. He is 4 now and so funny and loving.

The only difference I am aware of from friends who have girls is that you need to watch out when they are peeing without a nappy on!

FirstTimeBumps · 03/07/2020 08:22

As others have said, warning. Some on MN are absolute cranks on this topic, and others. It always amazes me how nasty some people can actually be to someone who is pregnant.

First time round I had a preference for a girl, mainly for my partner who already had two boys, but I think the idea of a baby girl was familiar to me, I think it's something lots of women imagine. We didn't find out and at birth when I found out he was a boy it was fine, I had a feeling all along he was a boy. He's an absolute character though, I call him the tiny tearaway and although he dives me round the bend he has such a huge personality. This time round any preference had completely gone out the window, a girl would be nice for my partner but at the same time I'd seen just how amazing my little boy was and would be thrilled with another of him. As others will say, your baby will be so much more than just a boy or a girl, and it won't matter - even if initially it stings a bit you'll look back and wonder why you were ever bothered I promise you x

Original poster
Tinad91 · 03/07/2020 08:44

Thank you for all of your lovely comments. I am absolutely thrilled first and foremost that I have a healthy strong baby growing in there. I hope that continues. I can’t wait for my little bundle of a mix between my partner and I. Just hope he doesn’t inherit my dramatics or his love of playstation Grin

OP posts:
FizzingWhizzbee123 · 06/07/2020 18:26

My little boy challenged every stereotypical preconception I had about little boys. He’s not at all what I imagined. He’s 1000x better than anything I could have imagined (boy or girl) ☺️

Your baby will have their very own little personality and their sex will be just a small part of who they are. Who knows what they will do and who they will be. You’ll only find out through time and watching your little one grow up.

CluelessBaker · 06/07/2020 18:38

I think it’s really common OP. And sometimes I don’t think it’s as simple as wanting one more than the other - it can be about having only imagined one, and finding it hard to mentally switch.

The feeling will pass I’m sure and you will be so thrilled when your baby arrives ☺️

Letmegetthisrightasawoman · 06/07/2020 18:40

@Twizzleisadancer

this is always about wanting a girl and getting a boy isn't it...
Yup, it annoys me no end!
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