Gender Disappointment

[Tinad91]

I feel like I am the worst mum to be in the world. I was really hoping for a baby girl but we are having a baby boy. Baby is healthy and strong 'touch wood' but I can't help feel disappointment! I feel so guilty. Am I alone in this?

@justanotherneighinparadise

I swear this is always about wanting to dress girls up in various outfits and then seems to move into sadness re. clothes trips, make up and becoming a mother in law.

Grow up. You are going to be raising a person. It’s no longer about you, it’s about the child. I have two boys and they are amazing little personalities. I couldn’t care less about shopping trips and future family dynamics. I just want to raise happy, productive people and then let them fly.

Ridiculous unfounded comment. Please think before you respond and read my further comments about WHY. Shame on you.

You’re not alone in feeling like this and it is common on MN but in honesty it does make me quite sad to read these threads as it seems to always be disappointment with a boy (and yes I know I shouldn’t read the threads if they upset me but it’s a compulsion of mine!)

Just read your update @Tinad91 and totally get your reasons.
But there are a lot of ‘I just always imagined me and dd being besties’ type of posts too

@BabyLlamaZen

The comments are always idiotic on these threads. Mumsnet is for women and there are often (quite deep) reasons they may how a light for loving and supporting a little girl. It does not mean a little boy will not be loved and adored.

In real life, including in this country, girls are unwanted and abused every day. And often by men who aren't actually going to love them as much. So please stop feeling sorry for all the boys.

I'm starting to realise this now unfortunately! I appreciate your comment and all the rest of the non-judgmental comments on my post. Wishing I hadn't posted now but on the other hand I wanted to share an experience and find out if I wasn't the only one feeling that way.

@SpillTheTeaa

Sometimes I wish they didn't allow people to find out their baby's sex 🤷🏻‍♀️

This with bells on it

I wanted boys. My ideal family was 2 boys and I had names sorted for both.

I didn't find out in advance because I knew at 20 weeks I wasn't bonded enough to know if it was a girl. I knew that the moment I held my baby I'd love them no matter what.

My first (conceived after a 2.5 year battle with infertility) was a boy! Yey!

My second was a girl. I adore her, but it took me a while to let go of the second boy I had in my head.

I want to address the 'preconceived stereotypes of gender' that apparently I'm inflicting on my kids because I had a preference. My preference for boys is from my experience of growing up tall. Being 6ft at 12 wasn't fun. My husband is 6'7, our son is on the 98th for height at 3 and it's pretty likely our daughter will be tall too .... I'm dreading the teen years and seeing her go through what I did.

Not everyone imagines their kids as mini them or as gender stereotypes

maybe you hadn't thought about the fact I just wanted to make a little girl feel loved whereas I was not
So you’re projecting your own issues onto your child. In the nicest possible way, you need to realise that your child is not you. You’re not putting right all the wrongs you experienced. Your child is an individual - you may actually find it easier not to project onto a boy.

What do all the unhelpful posters think there is to be gained from weighing in on this? OP just needs to talk it through.

I’ve got two little boys and when I think of a tiny baby in a blue sleepsuit my ovaries start popping. Boys are the best!

this is always about wanting a girl and getting a boy isn't it...
I think that it's about what is familiar.
As a woman, you know something about girls, you might feel they are easier to relate to, you have more in common with them.
With boys, you have more to learn. I grew up with brothers and I had nephews but having my own son was still a bit of a scary thought.
I needn't have worried, I fell in love with them in an instant

@Tinad91 don't worry. I had always seen myself being a mum to a girl. I just wanted sure if I would be able to bond with a boy.
I found out it was a boy and I went to my friends house and I cried to her. It was ridiculous. And I understand how ridiculous it was now.
Once I got over it (took a day or so) and I started looking and boys things I felt better.
I'm now expecting twins and I'm kinda hoping they are boys (they identical so I know I'll have two of either) but I think this is more cause I know how much my little boy is amazing and also I have boys things already lol. I hope your feeling better now. I don't honestly think there is anything wrong with having a little disappointment, i personally think it's completely natural. Everyone who feels the need to be judgmental about it has obviously always had everything they want as they want it in life so disappointment is obviously not natural to them.
Keep smiling your little boy I'm sure you know will make you the happiest person in the world x

@Tinad91 don't worry. I had always seen myself being a mum to a girl. I just wanted sure if I would be able to bond with a boy.
I found out it was a boy and I went to my friends house and I cried to her. It was ridiculous. And I understand how ridiculous it was now.
Once I got over it (took a day or so) and I started looking and boys things I felt better.
I'm now expecting twins and I'm kinda hoping they are boys (they identical so I know I'll have two of either) but I think this is more cause I know how much my little boy is amazing and also I have boys things already lol. I hope your feeling better now. I don't honestly think there is anything wrong with having a little disappointment, i personally think it's completely natural. Everyone who feels the need to be judgmental about it has obviously always had everything they want as they want it in life so disappointment is obviously not natural to them.
Keep smiling your little boy I'm sure you know will make you the happiest person in the world x

@Twizbe oh my, I think you might've just hit on the reason why I also wanted boys rather than girls. I, too, am tall at 5'10 and found it so difficult growing up, especially as a tall teenager. It was awful, actually. It has never occurred to me that might be a reason why I always wanted boys, but thinking about it, it's actually obvious. Thank you. And my boys are indeed tall, all 6' and over

[quote DramaAlpaca]@Twizbe oh my, I think you might've just hit on the reason why I also wanted boys rather than girls. I, too, am tall at 5'10 and found it so difficult growing up, especially as a tall teenager. It was awful, actually. It has never occurred to me that might be a reason why I always wanted boys, but thinking about it, it's actually obvious. Thank you. And my boys are indeed tall, all 6' and over [/quote]
It was a bit of a light bulb moment for me too. People always asked me why I wanted boys and I couldn't put my finger on it, until my daughter was born and she was over 9lbs ....

I always had it in mind I’d have a boy, no idea why. So I was relieved when I found out it was a boy. Not that I cared really. Just that I thought I would. Nothing deeper than that.
Saying that I was convinced he was gonna be a girl until he was born and we found out at 20 weeks and had it confirmed twice when having extra growth scans.

I should be allowed to air my feelings without being judged and made to feel like I am 'wrong'

I totally agree OP. Feelings are not wrong.

Little boys are amazing You have so much to lool forward to.

@Tinad91, sorry to hear that you’re feeling disappointed. Amazed at the judgement on here! I have a girl, and am expecting twin boys. I’ve had several people to say “oh well done, you’ll have the perfect family, boys and a girl!”. I was actually quite disappointed from a financial viewpoint! Only said this to my DH, but finding out we were expecting twins has caused some financial stress (we were budgeting on one, and being able to reuse travel system, high chair etc) so to find out that I will also have no use for DDs dresses but will need some “boy clothes” when they are older was a bit of a disappointment!

It’s hard to admit these things IRL. Mumsnet should be a safe space where you can air such thoughts.

You have used the word disappointment in relation to your child. That is disgusting.

I understand that you feel some disappointment. I’m sure things will change when you meet your delightful baby.

Just a thought -apart from some health needs WHY does anyone need to know the sex of their child?
Perhaps this is why we are in such a mess regarding gender in this country. If we just prepared for a beautiful baby and didn’t worry about painting the nursery or buying clothes of specific colours. If we just let the child be a child and play with toys and not superimpose gender norms, then maybe just maybe our children could grow into their adult bodies without the hang ups we have created for our children believing they were born in the ‘wrong’ body??

@Twizzleisadancer

this is always about wanting a girl and getting a boy isn't it...

From personal experience and a guess I think some woman imagine having a little girl as that's what we relate most to, boys are sort of a unknown territory but gender disappointment fades (unless in China and India) and most mums love their babies no matter what

@GoshHashana, how is your comment helpful? Best case scenario you make the OP feel guilty. That won’t mean she won’t still feel disappointed!

@PamDenick you don’t NEED to know. But sometimes it’s helpful if you have another child already. My DD was picking out names for her baby sisters... but they’re going to be brothers. It means we’ve been able to tell her the names and she chats to them by name. Not essential at all, but pleasant.
(P.s. they’ll still wear the same baby grows/vests that DD did when small, and with DD we held off decorating until she had opinions of her own, I assume we’ll do the same for our boys)

I get it OP. I didnt find out the sex but must admit I felt relieved that DD was a girl (terrible I know) I think it's natural to want a girl as we were little girls ourselves so perhaps we think it may be easier? Although going by my nieces and nephews I think boys are easier preteens/ teenagers!
You sounds like you already love your DS and feeling a little disappointed does not make you a bad mother at all. Its normal and you will forget it as soon as you meet him x

Hey OP, I completely understand. When I was pregnant with my son, we found at at 20 weeks it was a boy. I had no idea how or why I had such a strong reaction, but I burst into tears.

After trying to process the feelings, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't sad to be having a boy, I was sad because I wasn't having a girl. Does that make sense? ** I love my boy with my whole heart and would walk through fire for him.

I think my feelings of sadness were because my husband isn't close to his mum, my brother isn't close to our mum. All the adult men I know are not close to their mum. My mind was fast forwarding to my son's adulthood and him abandoning me, which is totally unfair to an unborn child! On the other hand, I am very close to my mum, as are all my friends.

I now have a daughter too. I love both of my children equally, I can honestly say there is no difference to how I parent them. Nothing to do with having a mini me or dressing her in pretty dresses (she won't wear them).

My son is a mummy's boy and can't get enough mummy cuddles. My daughter couldn't give two hoots about me and purely sees me as someone to help wipe her bum, and even then only if daddy isn't around!

Take the time to work through your feelings, but I can assure you that you will love your baby, and when he arrives you'll never imagine life without him.

To all those suggesting it's always this way around, it's not.

I cried when the sonographer told me I was having a girl, she thought it was happy tears and I didn't bother to correct her.

Bump had a boys name from day dot in our house and we would have very much preferred a boy so we felt the disappointment.

Getting used to the idea of having a girl now and enjoying buying girly clothes but miss the dream of a baby boy.

I was adamant I'd only have 1 baby, especially after experiencing pregnancy and all its ailments, but will we try again for a boy? It crosses my mind...

@PamDenick actually my son didn’t have a nursery until he was 9 months old and even now it isn’t decorated to reflect a boy or a girl. He’s got toys ranging from Duplo to dolls to cars and loves make up brushes.

We weren’t too bothered, but we’d just had the feeling for about 6 years that we’d have a boy.