41 and pregnant.

[Mstsms]

Hi all, I’ve joined mums net as I can’t find anywhere else, where others have been through the same.

So last week, I found out I was pregnant. I’m 41, but I know that’s not a huge deal these days. But hubby and I have been together 24 years. We have 3 “children” aged 22, 18 and 14. To say I’m shocked to the core is an understatement.
I have had the consultation to terminate the pregnancy. But don’t actually know if I can go through with it. Until yesterday DH was adamant that he couldn’t see any way we could make it work, even though he wouldn’t force me either way. In his mind it’s my choice.

But yesterday he did some research about what is going on with the pregnancy at this stage (or the stage we think it’s at) and what I’d have to go through with a termination, and now he’s taking a different stand. He’s still supportive either way, but understand more about why I’m not egar to have a termination.

I’m worried about everything. We’ve struggled financially forever (we had our first aged 19 so it’s not been easy) I’m the only one with a secure job, and it’s taken me a long time to get where I am.
Then there is the practicalities, where would it sleep, who would look after it while we worked, etc etc....
I’m appalled at myself and DH for letting this happen, we aren’t stupid, how on earth can we have allowed this.
I’m worried what others will say/think (especially my parents, who are brilliant grandparents, but have never really known how to take the news of a pregnancy)
There are my other kids.... I’m sure the oldest two will be shocked at first but be excited after that. The youngest, I’m not so sure about. Although she’ll come rounds. She’d have too.

Then there’s me. I’ve never enjoyed being pregnant. I’m already struggling with the nausea. (I never actually get physically sick in pregnancy).
I don’t want to have a little one, I don’t want to do school runs again, I don’t want to be 53 and looking at secondary schools. In addition hubby had a mental breakdown 2 years ago. It was horrific as it all centred around me. On his 40th birthday, it was like a switch had been turned on, he became paranoid and completely not like my husband. Then just over a year later, he switch back again.
Now while I’m glad he’s ok, it was sooooo hard having older kids and going through that. What if it happened again with a little one?

But I also don’t know how pregnant I am, and I don’t know if I could terminate when I know the baby inside me has a working heart, kidneys, spine, eye colour etc etc.

As you can see, I’m incredibly confused, and can’t find anyone that has been through something similar... is there anyone out there that is willing to tell me the outcome of both scenarios for them please?

Hi there.
I'm sorry you're going through this and finding it so difficult.

If you genuinely feel as though you couldn't cope with a baby now, remember adoption is an option.

Regardless of your age, you're having the same worries as everyone else does when they find out they are pregnant unexpectedly.

Do I want this?
Can I do this?
How will this work for my family?
Is this financially viable?

What I can say is, there's never a perfect time to have a baby.

Also you need to stop beating yourself up. You and your husband have gone a long time without falling pregnant. You can be forgiven for being a little lax with your precaution.

Well I can only tell you what I know about one outcome. My parents did something similar, they were 42 and me and my brothers were 19, 17 & 16 when baby was born. People were shocked obviously, back in the nineties/noughties you didn't see many 40 odd year old mothers and some could be downright rude. It's very different now, I'm 38 and pregnant with my very much planned third baby - no one has bat an eyelid and I've not been in any way scolded for being 'too old' like my mum was. I was 30 when I had my first btw.

My youngest brother was born naturally and was (still is - he's 21 now) completely healthy. My parents did feel out of sorts looking at schools etc compared with all the younger parents and they were noticably a lot more tired looking after him - I did my share of babysitting - but again, it's very different now. Mums in their 40s are normal and I am by no means the oldest at the school gates.
As for finances, I'm afraid I can't say anything there. It is always a struggle adding an extra mouth but it's up to you and hubby as to whether you can make that work. Why not sit down and do a budget and see if you'd be entitled to any benefits to help?
Whatever you decide I don't tell yourself off for 'letting this happen'. I got pregnant with a coil in - life has a way of happening and it's no one's fault.

What is your relationship like with your younger brother? Have your parents ever ‘regretted’ it. (I know regret is a hard word to use when talking about an actual person, but I’m sure you know what I’m getting at.)

It’s funny, because as I said, we were 19 when we had the first. (I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant.) and we made it work, and from there on in, I’ve always said to people, there is never a right time to have a baby.
I’ve also said to DH that we made it work then, and we had nothing. His reply was, but we had nothing to loose and we had time on our side. He’s right.... 😞

I have to be honest, all the things you are worried about will just fall into place somehow, little one will share a room with you until theres a spare, DH cover childcare when you are back at work. I think this little one will bring such a joy to all your lives like a light being switched on :) I say go for it! Congratulations!!?? xx

I love him to bits - we're very close even now. The babysitting probably helped My mum has honestly had moments of regret yes, I know that. She felt too old to cope physically and guilty that because of that he didn't have the same childhood the rest of us had. My brother doesn't think he missed out on anything obviously and due to us all being so much older he was probably spoiled more - we would buy him stuff and take him out too. Aside from the tiredness I haven't heard my parents voice any other regrets.
If you decide otherwise though then I won't judge you. I had a termination for the opposite reason, being too young at 21 (along with discovering Dad-to-be was a total arsehole but that's another story) and I don't regret that either. You do whatever is right for you and your family at the time. The termination was mentally and physically hard on my body, I shed a lot of tears. It wasn't an easy option by any means but it was the right choice at the time.

A relation of ours had her first at 42, and I’ve heard her say a few times “I should have done this earlier, I’m too old for this.” Which makes me worry.

I’m kind of pleased to hear you say, you don’t regret your termination. I’ve not heard people say that often.
But also keeping it from my kids is going to be hard if I go ahead with it, we’re in lockdown in the same house!

I know that might also be the case. There are just so many unknowns here, and I know none of you can tell me how it will turn out.
But until now, all I could find online of experiences, was people who were in there 40’s and had planned first or second pregnancies and were over joyed by it!

And am I being selfish to say that I’ve spent my whole adult life raising kids, and you know what, I loved it. My kids are bloody amazing! And I always wanted more. I did. But I’d come to terms with the fact I was “too old” once I hit 40.
This has just floored me.
DH thinks I subconsciously want to go through with the pregnancy because I’ve stopped drinking, etc.
But we’ve made a pact, if I am scanned and they say I’m further along than we think I might be, then we won’t go through with it. So as I said to him, if we have to go through with it, I couldn’t have it on my conscience that I’d done something to harm the baby.

I don't think women talk about their terminations enough really, it's very taboo isn't it? But we all have them for our own reasons and whatever the circumstances it's never an easy choice. As for feeling too old, have you got help? I know you say you couldn't hide it from your kids but I don't think you need to. They're adults now and might surprise you with their understanding and wanting to help out. I remember being really excited even though I thought I never wanted kids of my own at the time. If mum needed anything and we could help out then we did. We shopped, we cooked and after my brother was born when we saw her tired out on the sofa, we took him out.

I mean hiding a termination from them.
My oldest is like my best friend, and I desperately want to talk to her about this, but I know she would get all caught up in the romantics of it all.
Plus once you have that knowledge you can’t un know it can you?
And I think she’d want me to proceed.

And yes, termination is a very taboo subject. I think it’s because there are such polarising views on it. I am, and have always been pro choice. But always said I couldn’t do it. And yet here I am.....

I had a friend in school whose only sibling was 18 years older. She became an Aunt when we were 12 which I remember thinking was really strange but quite cool. They actually had a very close relationship despite the huge age gap.

It’s obviously entirely your choice but I wouldn’t even consider other people’s reactions when making your decision. Those who care about you won’t judge.

It's difficult yes but it is totally your decision. Only you and your hubby can make that choice though, you'll be doing the bulk of the work. Either way, I'm sure your family will be supportive whatever your fears. Why not write everything down somewhere private like on your phone and then you and hubby can discuss it in private when you get the chance?

The couple I know who had a "surprise" baby last year. The baby has brought them all so much happiness and joy. The actual pregnancy was spent mainly in denial by her own admission and as she (like me) put weight/fluid on all over rather than just getting a very elegant bump whilst pregnant, it was quite easy to assume she was just gaining weight. The much older brothers absolutely adore their little sister. She really has brought them all closer together.

You must do what's right for you the money side has a way of working itself out. If your husband doesn't work these days, could he look after the baby when you go back to work?

Have you written up a list of pros and cons for the options? Do the older 2 children still live at home, or at uni/living away etc? Do you have a large car, spare room? Yes, finances obviously play a part, but also work, career, lifestyle etc.

I'm 42, and 6 weeks pregnant. I would have loved to have kids earlier, in early 30's, but we have TTC 10yrs and had 2 losses. Early days for this pregnancy, but we plan to make the most of it and take each day as it comes.

Only you and OH can decide what is right, but ultimately its your decision. Due to the current covid, termination clinics are allowing women to have the tablets delivered to their home, so you don't need multiple clinic visits.

Take some time out for yourself. Write a list, read up online from other mature mothers and if you feel able, speak to someone neutral- such as a counsellor x

We have done pros and cons yes.
Hubby does work, but his work is not secure. We do really need two wages coming in.
We have a 4 bedroom house, all rooms fully occupied, but all the people in the house.
We don’t have a car as such right now. Well we do, but it’s an old Renault kangoo that hubby uses as a van. We planned on getting a new car this year.

I’m glad to hear of the friend who’s ‘surprise’ has brought them all a lot of happiness though.

Oh and I’ve tried to find stories, articles anything on someone in my situation, I can’t find anything.

My mum recently went through this she's 45 me and my brothers are in our mid 20s. My dad also struggles sometimes with his mental health and my mum is the sole earner for the both of them. She was going to terminate as she didn't want to start again and my dad would of been 60 when the baby was 10. We was all supportive of what she chose to do, in the end she decided to go ahead with the pregnancy but unfortunately she miscarried. It's a hard one but it's your choice I know she found it much harder physically than what she did when she was younger.
I think she was scared of starting again at first because pregnancy at any age is overwhelming she'd raised us all from when she was 19 too, so to begin again it scared her but she came round to it.
We all said we'd help out and for the first year they stay in your room don't they it's just finding somewhere to put them when they do need their own room.

Oh wow. How did she come to the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy?
What were the plans?
And how does she feel about miscarrying?

And they did have a baby that was born on my 20th birthday which was amazing we shared our 1st and 21st birthday together. She's doing great and we all spoil her and have a bond with her I think you just adapt don't you to whatever the situation is. Im very close to her she's nearly 8 now.

I cant offer advice on the age and previous kids thing (am 36 with my 1st) however didnt want to read and run.

I also wanted to weigh in a bit about terminations. I'm very pro choice and noone can say what is right or wrong for you in any given circumstance, only you. But I hate the fact people dont talk about them. I had one when I was 22, although I initially wanted to keep it, the guy I was with was a lay about, drug user, didnt work, nasty and abusive etc. I knew I couldnt support that kid financially, emotionally etc and what my life would turn out to be if I did go through with it. I wouldnt have the career, life, security, happiness and wellbeing I have now. Many years later yes I do still remmeber it and occasionally it makes me a bit sad but I know 100% it was right and that's what matters. Only you will be able to say what is right for you and your family, the rest you will deal with because we just do as women, whether than be a termination or a baby.

@Mstsms She was in denial at first really bad kept saying she's not and because we are close I said I'd go with her to the Early pregnancy unit to have a scan done as she kept saying it was a faulty test and it was the menapause causing it. I think she was really scared but when she told my dad and he said he didn't mind and then we all said well whatever you do mum we're all here for you, I think seeing it on the scan made her change her mind.
She has a four bedroom too my older brother pops in and out as he's at uni so the plan was baby in her room for a year and then after that the baby would of moved either in with my younger sibling or into my brothers room and he would of shared with my other brother.
When she did miscarry she was devastated she seems ok now but it has hit her hard

We had 3 DC 20, 17, 13 when I had a surprise pregnancy at 43. Living in a small 3 bed, i couldnt go back to work, DH had closed his business and we were struggling, couldn't pay our mortgage. I dont bloom in pregnancy and because of my age I did worry. We struggled through, baby slept in our room for nearly 3 years and we managed to move house. Fast forward to now and everything is great. All our kids have a great relationship. DH always says I worry about stuff that hasn't happened and theres always a way, and for us it's worked out fine.

I know only we know what’s right for us. And if I’m totally honest. Both of us feel a termination is better in these circumstances. But I also think if I’m say 7,8,9 weeks pregnant, then that’s the choice taken away, because I don’t think I could do that.

I also don’t think enough people talk about terminations. I’ve told my friend and my sister in law, and my friend said “when I had my termination” I never knew....

I just thought now would be our time. And I’d be able to climb the career ladder, and we’d have freedom to do things together etc etc.

And I don’t know if I could face financially struggling for the rest of my life because I think we would. We do already, but the two oldest earn their own money now, so it’s a lot easier than when they were little.
And my kids have waiting sooooo long for their own rooms, we extended a run down house, DH has done it all on his own, but it’s taken him 14 years. It would be so unfair on the others.

Oh wow! I’m really pleased it has worked out for you guys.

@Mstsms I know what you mean I don't know anyone that's had a termination but that's because they don't talk about it and I understand why but it does happen. And that was my mums fear too I remember her saying I've raised kids for years this is my time now to go out and start living my life again without kids being around I can't see a baby in that and I'd be starting over I'm to old etc, but seeing the scan it just all changed.
I don't think anyone's ever to old to have a baby after the second one no matter the gap they just slot in somehow and you find a routine that works for you so fast.