41 and pregnant.

[Mstsms]

Hi all, I’ve joined mums net as I can’t find anywhere else, where others have been through the same.

So last week, I found out I was pregnant. I’m 41, but I know that’s not a huge deal these days. But hubby and I have been together 24 years. We have 3 “children” aged 22, 18 and 14. To say I’m shocked to the core is an understatement.
I have had the consultation to terminate the pregnancy. But don’t actually know if I can go through with it. Until yesterday DH was adamant that he couldn’t see any way we could make it work, even though he wouldn’t force me either way. In his mind it’s my choice.

But yesterday he did some research about what is going on with the pregnancy at this stage (or the stage we think it’s at) and what I’d have to go through with a termination, and now he’s taking a different stand. He’s still supportive either way, but understand more about why I’m not egar to have a termination.

I’m worried about everything. We’ve struggled financially forever (we had our first aged 19 so it’s not been easy) I’m the only one with a secure job, and it’s taken me a long time to get where I am.
Then there is the practicalities, where would it sleep, who would look after it while we worked, etc etc....
I’m appalled at myself and DH for letting this happen, we aren’t stupid, how on earth can we have allowed this.
I’m worried what others will say/think (especially my parents, who are brilliant grandparents, but have never really known how to take the news of a pregnancy)
There are my other kids.... I’m sure the oldest two will be shocked at first but be excited after that. The youngest, I’m not so sure about. Although she’ll come rounds. She’d have too.

Then there’s me. I’ve never enjoyed being pregnant. I’m already struggling with the nausea. (I never actually get physically sick in pregnancy).
I don’t want to have a little one, I don’t want to do school runs again, I don’t want to be 53 and looking at secondary schools. In addition hubby had a mental breakdown 2 years ago. It was horrific as it all centred around me. On his 40th birthday, it was like a switch had been turned on, he became paranoid and completely not like my husband. Then just over a year later, he switch back again.
Now while I’m glad he’s ok, it was sooooo hard having older kids and going through that. What if it happened again with a little one?

But I also don’t know how pregnant I am, and I don’t know if I could terminate when I know the baby inside me has a working heart, kidneys, spine, eye colour etc etc.

As you can see, I’m incredibly confused, and can’t find anyone that has been through something similar... is there anyone out there that is willing to tell me the outcome of both scenarios for them please?

Well as I don’t know how pregnant I am, I’m due to go for a scan tomorrow. I’m hoping seeing the scan will help me decide one way or another....

Just to add, I had just completed a degree (studied part time for 5 years while working full time) because I wanted a complete career change. I had been offered a new job in my chosen career and was so excited, but when I fell pregnant I couldnt take the job and I was devastated. I didn't go to my graduation as I felt I had wasted 5 years and that my choices had been taken away. All that doesn't matter now but at the time it was devastating!

And how long ago was that?
See I’ve also applied for another job. That I’m not really qualified for, but they’ve said they’ll consider me, based on my experience.
I got an email this week to say they are shortlisting next week. Now if I got that job, we would be able to afford for hubby to stay home. And things would be a lot easier. But my appointment is tomorrow. So that doesn’t really help things at all! And besides, a job I may or may not get an interview for and may or may not get shouldn’t be a factor in my considerations and it isn’t. But the timing is poor....

OP, this sounds like a really tricky situation and it's so refreshing for you and others to talk so openly about everything going through your mind.

I'm afraid I cant offer much specific advice as I'm in a very different situation to you - 32, 1st baby, very much planned and struggled for. However, one thing that is the same for lots of us is that this has turned out to be bloody awful timing! For us, apart from the health risks and toned-down maternity care due to C-virus (and I really am clueless!!), I've now got no income til Mat Allowance when baby is born in August. All plans for saving are out of the window!

But I have always believed that things work out in their own way, and it's reassuring to hear others say that too. I was also born to a 42-year old mum in the late 80s, with two older teenage siblings, and my sister has always been like a second mum to me. My brother's kids are now early teens and are very excited about the baby! Whatever you decide, please don't feel like you have no choice. Best of luck. Xx

Hi OP,
I don't have any experience myself with what your going through and can see from your posts both sides of the decision,
have you considered forgetting the logistics (although they are obviously important!) and thinking "how would I honestly feel if I woke up tomorrow and wasn't pregnant?"

The reason I suggest this is because with a decision like this there will always be pro's and con's for both sides but ultimately do these get to outweigh what you actually want.

🌸🌸🌸

I was only 36 when I had a shock. I had been bloody sterilised and yet I was pregnant. I was in shock. H was in shock. We both cried. I kept saying I can’t do this. I can’t go to term so we knew it would be incredibly difficult. Then it was found to be ectopic and I ended up very ill. It was a very difficult time. now I have no chance of children and that is strange.

Btw I’ve had a termination at 12 weeks when I was younger. It was g and a surgical. Had mild cramps that was it. It was the right decision for the time.

Re job you don’t need to say anything. Just go for it. I did with my eldest - didn’t say anything until 24 weeks. Just choose clothes carefully - plenty of professional choices online if needed.

Only you and h can decide. Good luck.

in my opinion your age is ok but later than that it would be hard.

Thank you for all being so supportive. These things can get quite tense online, and i was worried about positing.

It’s nice to hear the stories of it all turning out alright in the end.
But it’s also nice to hear people feel they did the right thing by terminating a pregnancy too.

I have thought how I would feel if I woke up and wasn’t pregnant. And my feeling is. If it’s something I’ve done (ie termination) is struggle. However, if by some miracle it was a phantom pregnancy or a false positive for example. I think I’d be happy.

There's a 16 year gap between me and my sister. However I was very wished for due to the loss of my brother.
Growing up was different for me. My parents were 'old' and tired but I had all their attention. My siblings were my like aunts.
These days I feel very alone because my parents have died, one when I was at uni.
I brought them joy and had a great childhood but I'm living a sadder life now with no grandparents for my baby.

Awww that’s sad. I’m sorry to hear that. 😞

I'm not going to tell you what you should do op, it is a hard decision but I would just say that I had a termination years ago when the time and person was all wrong for me.

I did struggle emotionally for a while but that was really due to the lack of emotional support I had in my life and my inability to cope with any adverse situation. I certainly didn't regret it long term and it barely features in my life at all now.

They don't let you see the scan when it's a termination. The scan is just to check how far along it is to determine the type of treatment which is offered.

There's a waiting time anyway so even if you decided to terminate you would still have to wait.

It sounds like you are going to proceed

I have an appointment booked tomorrow at 8:30. Hence the posting of this today.
I’ve read on the website of the clinic I’m going to, that they give you the option of seeing the scan.
If I get that I’ll ask to see it.

It’s really funny, because my DH and the two people that know, have both said to me they think I want to proceed. But I really don’t. I will, if I have to, and I’ll enjoy it for everything it is.

Hi there, I’m in a similar situation although I’m 46! Two grown up children 26 and 23 also two granddaughters 4 and 3 months. Had my scan today I’m almost 12 weeks it was amazing seeing the little munchkin moving about but I’m still filled with dread and worried about how my kids are going to take it, I’m planning on telling them tonight.....fingers crossed it will go well. I feel for you because it is a dilemma to say the least but you’ve got to do what’s right for you good luck with everything.

Oh wow, I never thought I’d find someone in the same situation.
Did you always plan on going ahead with the pregnancy?

It sounds like your head is a lot clearer, @Mstsms. Hopefully that will help you make the right choice for you when you need to. x

Oh no me and my partner have being going back and forth and termination was definitely an option we had considered but it was something I couldn’t do my partner is supportive but deep down I think he wanted the termination more than keeping the baby although, today after seeing the photos he’s coming around to the idea. I was the same thought I was the only person who was in this position at my age think there’s a lot more of us out there 😂

I’m sure there are. Me and hubby was watching Gordon Gino and Fred last night. Gordon mentioned his new baby boy. I said, he’s got grown up kids, do yo reckon they found themselves in our situation! 😂😂😂

I think, my DH would prefer termination but he wouldn’t say that, he wouldn’t want to put any pressure.

My cousin has a 22yr gap between children, but different husbands. Her 2nd was when she was 44. Older sibling is often assumed to be 'mum' when out and about.

My nan was 19 when her mother had a 'change of life' baby as it was known back then. Her and her siblings (18 & 17) were horrified that their parents were 'still doing that'.

Times have changed, and having a baby in your 40's is more common. Still risks, and the increased change of MC and genetic problems. 1 test which might be new since your last child is NIPT. Its a blood test done from 10weeks to check for several genetic disorders. Its an option I'd never heard of till I had my 1st pregnancy, age 38. Unfortunately, it had patau syndrome, but having it done so early, made our choices easier.

Clinics should have a counsellor/advisor to discuss things with you if you need more time or information. Its a big decision either way, but best of luck with whatever you decide

I’m absolutely terrified at how my kids will take it especially my 26 year old son he’s such a sensitive wee soul who still stays with me I don’t want him thinking his life will change even though mine certainly will 😂

Op I hope you’re ok. If you do decide to have a termination it won’t be something you’ve ‘done’ it will be a balanced decision because you have considered the lives of your other children and how this will affect them, because you’ve thought about your marriage, your life, home, finances and the life you’ve built. It’s not a bad thing and it’s not a selfish thing. It’s a very brave decision.
Whatever you decide don’t be hard on yourself. Life isn’t easy

Awww thank you. You know, just reading that has made me feel more confident and making a decision either way.

My mum had her first at 18 and last at 38. Eldest and youngest brother are not close but sometimes that happens when kids are close together. She always said the tiredness was much worse with the youngest and although she’s never admitted it, she’s really been bringing up children her whole life, but I think she kind of liked it that way.

On another note I had an abortion 7 years ago. I was only 5 weeks and a few days, I already had three kids and the youngest at that point was 7/8ish. I think about what might have been, like when the baby would have started school etc. However, deep down I know I made the right decision. I was in a horrible relationship, since split and I know having another younger child would have been that so much harder. I suppose the best way to describe how I feel about it is that I regret deeply getting myself into that position but I don’t regret the abortion.

On the other hand, if I hadn’t found out until I was further along and I’d had the baby I would have managed. There is always a way round everything I do think I and my three other children would have suffered though.

Change of life baby. My auntie was apparently one of those too. Although how she was and my mum who’s two years older wasnt, I don’t know. 😂😂
I’ve read about the NIPT test. But then I have to wait longer, when the baby is more developed and potentially still go through it.
@Motherkeg73 it’s things like the other kids that worries me.

@Motherkeg73 what about your grandchildren.
I know it’s silly, but I think. When I become a Nan, I want to be one of those doting nans that adores her grandchildren. I won’t be able to do that if I have a little one of my own! 😂