41 and pregnant.

[Mstsms]

Hi all, I’ve joined mums net as I can’t find anywhere else, where others have been through the same.

So last week, I found out I was pregnant. I’m 41, but I know that’s not a huge deal these days. But hubby and I have been together 24 years. We have 3 “children” aged 22, 18 and 14. To say I’m shocked to the core is an understatement.
I have had the consultation to terminate the pregnancy. But don’t actually know if I can go through with it. Until yesterday DH was adamant that he couldn’t see any way we could make it work, even though he wouldn’t force me either way. In his mind it’s my choice.

But yesterday he did some research about what is going on with the pregnancy at this stage (or the stage we think it’s at) and what I’d have to go through with a termination, and now he’s taking a different stand. He’s still supportive either way, but understand more about why I’m not egar to have a termination.

I’m worried about everything. We’ve struggled financially forever (we had our first aged 19 so it’s not been easy) I’m the only one with a secure job, and it’s taken me a long time to get where I am.
Then there is the practicalities, where would it sleep, who would look after it while we worked, etc etc....
I’m appalled at myself and DH for letting this happen, we aren’t stupid, how on earth can we have allowed this.
I’m worried what others will say/think (especially my parents, who are brilliant grandparents, but have never really known how to take the news of a pregnancy)
There are my other kids.... I’m sure the oldest two will be shocked at first but be excited after that. The youngest, I’m not so sure about. Although she’ll come rounds. She’d have too.

Then there’s me. I’ve never enjoyed being pregnant. I’m already struggling with the nausea. (I never actually get physically sick in pregnancy).
I don’t want to have a little one, I don’t want to do school runs again, I don’t want to be 53 and looking at secondary schools. In addition hubby had a mental breakdown 2 years ago. It was horrific as it all centred around me. On his 40th birthday, it was like a switch had been turned on, he became paranoid and completely not like my husband. Then just over a year later, he switch back again.
Now while I’m glad he’s ok, it was sooooo hard having older kids and going through that. What if it happened again with a little one?

But I also don’t know how pregnant I am, and I don’t know if I could terminate when I know the baby inside me has a working heart, kidneys, spine, eye colour etc etc.

As you can see, I’m incredibly confused, and can’t find anyone that has been through something similar... is there anyone out there that is willing to tell me the outcome of both scenarios for them please?

I just want him to know that his home will always be his home. I’ve given that a lot of thought too my relationship with my 4 year old granddaughter is great because I’ve had quality 121 with her since she was born but I’m not going to have that with the newest one which is upsetting but I’m just going to try and make it work somehow, where there’s a will there’s a way, apparently 😂 maybe it’s just wishful thinking but I’m just hoping that I’ve made the right decision.

I have two family friends who are in a similar boat only they can't get pregnant and have been trying for awhile and the now looking at adoption. They're both older about 40 something for her and 50 for him but desperate to have a baby as they found love later in life. They've had a few MCs unfortunately.

If you are open to it adopt. If your other babies are happy and healthy and you don't wish to abort for the reasons you've said adopt and know your baby is in the loving arms of someone who is ready and does want this but can't make it happen themselves. You'd be giving a family somewhere a real blessing.

Of course if that doesn't appeal I understand. I think it would be hard to know you have a child somewhere but not with you. Open adoptions where you get updates could help. I don't know the whole ins and outs.

I’m sure you have. You know what’s right for you. 😘

You said you don't know how far along you are, but do you have any idea at all?

The likely hood is, it’s 6,7 or 8 weeks. I doubt it’s more than that, very much.
I also doubt it’s less than that. I think I had an implantation bleed 3/4 weeks ago.

I am in exactly your situation but a little older at 43. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and we have a 16 and 12 year old. I am now 32 weeks.

We initially discussed a termination but when it came to it I kept looking at my kids and couldn’t do it. I am self employed and the thought of not earning was very scary. We also have a three bed house and my kids can’t share as they are a girl and boy. We have just been granted planning permission for an extension and have borrowed to pay for it, again very worrying, especially now.

My daughter initially took the news very badly, but is slowly coming round, though she still throws it back at me if we have an argument or disagreement. Generally teenage related and just having her GCSES cancelled hasn’t helped.

I am honestly still in denial. I obviously know it’s happening, but it somehow still doesn’t feel real.

I also had a really rough first 20 weeks, lots of bleeding, extremely sickness and tiredness. I have found being pregnant in my 40s hard.

All that being said, I am where I am and wouldn’t change the chaos it’s bringing us all. We can all only do what we think is the best for us and go from there.

@Flipflops23 wow, some else in the same situation at the same time.
Until this morning I thought I was decided, but now I’m very torn. 😞 I have a scan booked this morning. Let’s see what that brings.

Good luck with your scan

It’s funny how you keep talking about your age. You’re hardly over the hill! There was a lady on one of the conception boards a few weeks ago who was nearly 50!

I’m 39 and newly pregnant with planned no.4. Others are 10,8 and almost 2. My husband is 43. For me a baby in my late 30’s really wasn’t much different to my late 20’s. I was possibly slightly more tired but I made the choice to breastfeed if I’d been bottle feeding my husband / family could have eased the burden. Actually, baby 3 was by far the easiest experience. We’re so much more confident as parents and our relationship is so much better established than it was when we had our 1st two. I don’t have any worries about no.4 really. I do appreciate we’re in a different situation to you in terms of finances and also I’ve yet to experience a stroppy teenager but overall I much preferred the experience of motherhood in my late 30’s to my late 20’s and I am not at all bothered about being in my 40’s with a toddler. The 10 yr old is amazing with our toddler and is desperate for another baby. All the kids will be grown up by the time I’m 60 and based on my parents and in laws life pretty much begins at 60!

You have to do what’s right for you though. Much as you can ask for the experience of others nobody will have exactly the same circumstances. Please don’t be hard on yourself - accidents happen. I hope you can make a decision you and your unable are both happy with

Oh and I wanted to add that my MIL was a change of life baby when her mum was 46 (back in the 40s too imagine it!!) she’s the youngest of 6 - Her oldest brother is 18 yrs older and in his 90’s now. She does describe being lonely for a playmate as a child but she is so close to all her siblings. Her oldest sister played the role of grandmother to my husband and he adores her. Despite being geographically distant they are an incredibly close family.

Have read the rest of the thread now though and it seems like maybe you’re leaning more towards termination so I just want to reiterate that the right decision is the one that feels best for you and your family. Sending you lots of hugs today x

Best of luck today OP

Good luck today

Good luck with your scan - motherofdragonboys here with name change (just invented one yesterday to get on and post!)

You have to do what’s right for you though. Much as you can ask for the experience of others nobody will have exactly the same circumstances. Please don’t be hard on yourself - accidents happen. I hope you can make a decision you and your unable are both happy.

I completely agree @Moo678
Good luck today @Mstsms with your scan and whatever you decide.

Thank you all for your support.
Scan went well. In the sense that I’m 6 weeks, so it means all options are open to me. I’ve asked if I can have more time. I can, but they said I need to call and male another appointment. So I’ll think on it now I know and take it from there.

Thank you also very much for your support. It’s not usually like that online, and it’s really meant a lot.

Good luck whatever you decide x

Good luck with your decision. I think it’s one of those decisions that will work whatever you decide. If you decide to have the baby you will love it and it will become part of your life but you can’t imagine not having. If you decide not to then you’ll make that option work for you too.

Oh op what a tough decision. You can hear a million different stories but only you know what's right for you and your family. Good luck and be kind to yourself x

Hi OP, I am 43 and 15 weeks with two preteens. I booked an appointment with BPAS so I had it and then DH and I talked and talked, in the end we decided to go ahead with the pregnancy but did the Harmony test knowing if there was any issues we would terminate. I think I am too old tor this on a daily basis (still sick every day!!).

I completely get where you’re coming from and it has to be right for YOU. Your life your choice at the end of the day you and no one else will be left holding the baby. I would not discuss it with my children though! Best of luck, I really wish I can give you a big fat hug!

Hi I’m kind of in a similar boat to you. I’m 40. I have two children (17 & 18) I split with their father last year and now find myself 7 weeks pregnant from having a brief fling with someone. He is not at all interested in having a child or relationship. I am pro choice but struggling with the thought of going through with an abortion but also realistically I can’t have this child. The longer the pregnancy runs... the harder I’m finding it to make a decision. I hope all goes ok for you. At least you are in a settled relationship and have an OH to support you x x

I had my first at 26 and am now 34 weeks' pregnant with my third at 39. First baby for fiancé. In rented accommodation - three bed - despite us both working ft (both lowish earnings). It will be financially tight but I'm sure all will be OK.
Good luck with your decisions x

@Mstsms my great grandmother had my granny when she was 45 and had teen boys ( Oct 100 years ago) mum had my brother when I was 14, my sis was 11, she was 39... I have a closer relationship with my brother than I do my sister.. I had 3 kids from first marriage who were 13, 11 and 9 when their little sis was born and their little brother arrived a couple of years after than when I was 40, we lost a little one in the first trimester 5 years ago and have been trying to add a little brother or sister to our brood ever since... with a few MC over the years.. last one being 10 days ago... but you have to go with your heart... you won't be the eldest mum in the playground by a long shot... it's not shocking behaviour there are many ladies trying to have babies at your age... you are a spring chick...
and the kids will be fine... probably just shocked people in their 40's still have sex.. 😉 family members will just have to get over it.. but it's your heart that will lead you 💕💕💕

Did you make your decision op? I’ve been thinking about you?

@Mstsms- How you doing?