*Trigger warning* Here we go again...

[Frazzlerock]

We have just found out last week that I'm pregnant again.

The past 4 years we have been TTC on and off which has resulted in 3 MMC at 9 weeks and 1 spontaneous MC at 4 weeks.
Our last baby died in January this year and I'm still grieving and emotionally recovering from surgery. We are still waiting for the test results. Our sweet baby took us a very long and painful year to conceive (PCOS)

Since then we have actively been avoiding pregnancy. Following my app which predicts ovulation. I had no worries as I don't conceive easily, even when it's timed perfectly cycle after cycle.
I was booked to have a copper coil fitted at the end of April
But in true Sod's Law fashion I randomly ovulated early (never happened before, it's always late if anything) and fell pregnant. I even took the MAP when my app suddenly brought ovulation forward. It clearly didn't work 🤔

I can't get excited. We never wanted to have to go through yet another MMC. It's just too hard and has beaten us down immensely. I know for a fact this one will be no different to the others.
My recurrent miscarriage team have told me that there are no 'reassurance' scans for the foreseeable. My only scan will be at 12 weeks - by then I could have a dead baby inside me for at least 3 weeks.

I'm terrified I will start to love this baby like I did all the others. I need to know how not to bond as I simply can't go through the agony of babyloss again.

How can I distance myself from this one? It's not even like I can go out and do things to take my mind off it!

I wish I could be like everyone else and have hope and no worries. It seems like the whole world just has babies with no trouble (in my small world anyway)

And of all the times I could get pregnant It had to be during a fucking pandemic...

I don't know what I'm asking really, just tips on how to not get my hopes up like I have every single time.

@frazzlerock beautiful scan photo, 15 weeks I bet that's making you smile just in itself. My consultant told me when I was anxious about my pregnancy, that if you want a scan we do a scan, at the end of the day a happy mummy has a happy baby so I think booking your scan was a great idea. You do what you can to alleviate stress and seeing that gorgeously clear photo of your bouncing little one has hopefully helped a little

That’s so strange I was wondering how you were yesterday morning and dug out the thread to check if there were any updates! Lovely picture, keep growing well Warrior Baby

Fantastic photo!
Are you starting to show yet?

just read this entire thread....talk about a rollercoaster!
OP, I'm so happy for you and what a beautiful scan at 15 weeks. I feel totally uplifted tonight reading about your journey.

Well done to those who have read the whole thread from start to finish! You're better than I would have been. I struggle to read more than 2 or 3 pages of long threads and end up skim reading or giving up

@MrsHoolie haha, I've been 'showing' since about 10/11 weeks. I think its because I have a short waist. I was the same with the DS's. And technically this is my 7th pregnancy so I guess things are a bit looser around the tummy region these days.

Having that scan really helped us both. I'm not sure if we will make it another 5 weeks for the 20 week one though! Maybe if I start feeling proper movements I might relax a little more. I keep wondering if I have felt the odd nudge now and again but can't seem to differentiate between that or general tummy bubbles and pokes. It is very early still

If you feel you need another scan in say 3 weeks I wouldn't hesitate to have another, if you can afford it there is no point feeling anxious and worrying. Then hopefully by your 20 week scan or within a couple of weeks after you will be feeling proper movements which will put your mind at ease going forward!
I remember you saying your DP was (understandably) really struggling at the start and was quite closed up, is he starting to talk about baby a bit more now?
I really can't put into words how happy I am that warrior baby stuck

What a sweet wee face! That little nose!

@thatcarolebaskinbitch I've actually just had an email from my recurrent MC team saying they've finally got me a scan for 17th June! I didn't tell them we gave up and went private and I really want to take this scan but I feel guilty for taking an NHS scan when we've only just had a private one. DP says I should go for it. It means we'll 'only' be waiting 3 weeks from that one until the 20 week one. I'm sure by 17th June I'll be anxious again anyway.

Yes DP seems much better now outwardly (though I know he is still battling with his emotions) and is starting to allow himself to get excited about the baby coming. Scans are always hard for him and he burst into tears after the one on Friday because the build up and that awful 'wait of doom' in the waiting room that we've done so many times before is so intense. But he was thrilled to see our little one wriggling about on the screen.

@Addler I just love it. Such a cutie! Can I say that about my own child? I don't know if all Sonographers do this but I have had a few tell me how cute baby's profile is - I'm sure they tell everyone that!

@Frazzlerock take the scan. Take it, and don't feel guilty at all. That extra reassurance is invaluable :)

Definitely take the scan and don't feel guilty about it! They would rather you took the scan than have you sat at home with bad anxiety.
I'm glad your DP is beginning to get excited for the baby, it's been such a tough time for you all I really do hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.

Take the scan! You absolutely deserve it

This is such a wonderdul thread! Have read it right through and have truly felt every emotion with you!
Looknforward to your next update and wishing you all the best xxx

@Frazzlerock No I think it's definitely one of the cuter ones I've seen! Sometimes they just look like babies, which of course they're all cute, but as soon as I saw yours I thought 'oh that little face!'

I haven't got my 20 week scan until the 16th of July so still ages away. I dont feel pregnant at all, and have no bump to speak for as I've quite a big tummy already, except I am having awful back and hip pain that gets worse on walking so waiting for the gynae physio team to make an appointment.

Also definitely take the scan, they should've given you one weeks ago so the 'spot' was always yours. They're just late giving it to you

Take the scan! Do not feel guilty about it.

Take the scan and enjoy it. I am glad that your wee warrior is doing so well.

Take the scan and enjoy seeing your little one I've had scans every 3 weeks since 28 weeks and I love going to them

Just found this thread and I've been through all the emotions!!
Rooting for you OP x

How are you doing op? Not much longer until your next scan. Hope you and DH are ok! X

Hi @monsterific we are good thank you. We've decided to take the scan next week so we've that to look forward to, but I'm sure we will have that awful anxiety again leading up to it. I'm not sure that will ever go away. Just a pity DP can't come into this one, we'll have to book another private one later on so he can see his little one wriggling around.

I received some amazing news last night, a friend of mine, who has been trying for a baby for years and years and years has just told me last night that she is 13 weeks pregnant - we've kind of been on a bit of a journey together and supporting eachother through the emotions of TTC. I am absolutely thrilled for her and her DH and they're only 3 weeks behind us which is so lovely! I had goose pimples when she told me and I so wish I could give her a big hug.

You should ask. If he's expecting you to put away his paperwork then he's not exactly trying hard to hide anything from you. So either

• he's been hacked and it needs pointing out or
• he's fully aware he's spending this much on this thing which could be family money and it needs pointing out or
• he's not realised the amount of money going out on this game (or whatever) and needs it pointing out or
• he's taking you for a total fool and is hiding his financial bad behaviour in plain sight and it needs pointing out.

I hope it's all legit. Good luck

Oops wrong thread. Sorry Frazzle!

@Frazzlerock just wanted to say 🤞 for tomorrow!

I hope all goes well @Frazzlerock This is an emotional roller coaster for sure! We've been TTC for four year and this is the first time I've been pregnant and I'm terrified something bad will happen. Good luck to us all! x

haha no worries @Haffdonga

Thank you @Stabal and @FrankieChips I'm so anxious again. I knew I would be! I will let you know how it goes. Loads of luck to you too Frankie. How many weeks are you?

Another successful scan!
And the haematoma has gone 🙌

I swear I saw a willy. I had a student sonographer and she zoomed in between the legs to get a measurement of the femur and I saw a very quick glimpse of something dangly! I did tell her we want a surprise but TBH we are so convinced it's a boy anyway that it won't really be a surprise so I'm not overly fussed. Also I may have imagined it of course.

Got some more pics 😁