*Trigger warning* Here we go again...

[Frazzlerock]

We have just found out last week that I'm pregnant again.

The past 4 years we have been TTC on and off which has resulted in 3 MMC at 9 weeks and 1 spontaneous MC at 4 weeks.
Our last baby died in January this year and I'm still grieving and emotionally recovering from surgery. We are still waiting for the test results. Our sweet baby took us a very long and painful year to conceive (PCOS)

Since then we have actively been avoiding pregnancy. Following my app which predicts ovulation. I had no worries as I don't conceive easily, even when it's timed perfectly cycle after cycle.
I was booked to have a copper coil fitted at the end of April
But in true Sod's Law fashion I randomly ovulated early (never happened before, it's always late if anything) and fell pregnant. I even took the MAP when my app suddenly brought ovulation forward. It clearly didn't work 🤔

I can't get excited. We never wanted to have to go through yet another MMC. It's just too hard and has beaten us down immensely. I know for a fact this one will be no different to the others.
My recurrent miscarriage team have told me that there are no 'reassurance' scans for the foreseeable. My only scan will be at 12 weeks - by then I could have a dead baby inside me for at least 3 weeks.

I'm terrified I will start to love this baby like I did all the others. I need to know how not to bond as I simply can't go through the agony of babyloss again.

How can I distance myself from this one? It's not even like I can go out and do things to take my mind off it!

I wish I could be like everyone else and have hope and no worries. It seems like the whole world just has babies with no trouble (in my small world anyway)

And of all the times I could get pregnant It had to be during a fucking pandemic...

I don't know what I'm asking really, just tips on how to not get my hopes up like I have every single time.

Morning all, thank you again for all your wonderful support on this rollercoaster. We have booked our Harmony Test for this Friday, so this is my warning of the next two weeks of wobbles until we get the result
Being 40, and having lost two babies to chromosome defects, it is something we are both really scared of. I mean it is positive that we made it past the 9 week danger zone when nature usually steps in for us....but still, its a bum clencher!

@Frazzlerock I'm keeping everything crossed for you, will you really have to wait 2 weeks, I had mine done on 17th December and got the results on 20th December and mine wasn't private it was done via my local NHS trust

@Goldenmother it says 'up to' two weeks so maybe not.

You're all going to lose blood circulation with all the finger crossing you're having to do on this thread

@Frazzlerock haha I really enjoyed my harmony test scan it was so much more clearer I was given mine at 13 weeks and it was lovely and funny a tiny little skeleton was doing flips in my tummy. They also have it so you can hear the heart beat and the lady that did mine was so nice she told me after the scan she couldn't see anything to raise any flags and I felt reassured as much as possible then went and had the bloods taken, I'm sure everything will be fine I have a feeling this is your time your little fighter. As I've said before I've had so many issue in this pregnancy, but I'm praying this is your happy ending x

@Frazzlerock I had private harmony and it took 7 calendar days so hopefully less than 2 weeks - good luck!

@Goldenmother I'll be 11+5 so I'm not expecting much more development than the scan I had on Monday. I think I'll enjoy seeing our baby, but worry that there is something wrong. The best thing is DP is allowed in for this one!! It'll be his first scan with this baby.

I was able to record a few seconds of Monday's scan so he did see how wriggly baby was, but it will be so nice for him to see in real life.

Hopefully results won't take a full 2 weeks

Oh @frazzlerock lurker lurker over here but I am overjoyed for you , well done sticky sticky baby ! I follow this thread with crossed legs , toes and fingers for you 💖

Hi op, I’ve been following this and have everything crossed for this journey you’re on. All the best x

Wow that was an emotional roller coaster!! I’m so happy for you OP!! I had a miscarriage and then my daughter was stillborn so when I was pregnant with my son we were scanned every 2 weeks just to make sure everything was ok, and it really got us through.
Can’t wait for the updates. I had my baby boy last year when I was 38 and he’s just perfect. All the love to you and your family xxx

Everything crossed for a good outcome for you op. You're about a week behind me.

Good luck today with your harmony @Frazzlerock hopefully you don't have to wait too long for the results

Just finished the Harmony test. It went really well. Nuchal translucency was very thin which is great news, baby wriggling loads again, heartbeat excellent, and haematoma has shrunk to 2.5cm (from 4cm). Consultant was really lovely and explained everything and told us it couldn’t have gone better. Just got to wait for blood test results, but it's looking hopeful if the size of the NT is to be believed. 28 weeks to go 😬

Fantastic news will you find out the baby sex from this test or are you and partner waiting for delivery

That’s great news. Really pleased it went well.

This is just amazing!

Fab news! So so pleased for you both, enjoy your pregnancy OP x

Thank you. Just got home after the hour journey!

@Goldenmother no we are going to wait to find out the sex at delivery. I'd really like him to tell me the sex when baby is born.
I'm still convinced baby is a boy as I'm 99% sure I can't conceive girls. TBH I don't think I'd know what to do with a girl! But either would be lovely

How absolutely lovely. Fab news xx

Fantastic news OP

Brilliant news fingers crossed you have a smooth sailing pregnancy from now you have had your fair share of stress so far!

Great update OP, you must be so reassured 👏🏻

Fabulous news! Sounds v positive.

FWIW I was convinced I couldn't have boys. I have an older DD and had read that boys tend to more fragile in early pregnancy. Loss after loss and I wondered was I conceiving boys and not able to sustain them. Anyway, DS is 18 mos and number 3 who will arrive in July is another! I think in the end I just came to the conclusion that the right one will stick.

@Frazzlerock I am so so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain and suffering you & your OH have been through and are still going through now. Your not bitter, your a beautiful grieving should be mummy and you have every god dam right to feel how you do. I can't say I fully understand your pain as I haven't endured all you have but all I can say is that I have experienced a mmc and 11 years of infertility so I can relate to how right now you feel bitter and you resent the world and how it has changed you. I've felt like that for years and been close to taking my own life but somehow with time and an amazing oh and family I have turned a corner and am able to feel happiness once again. I truly hope that life starts treating you kind and that there is something magical waiting for you just around the corner. Yet for now allow yourself to feel anything and everything you need to, your poor mind & body have been to hell and back more than once. Sending you all the love & healing in this crazy world and I hope with every ounce of my being that something beautiful happens for you soon. Big hugs sweetheart xxxxxx 💖💖

@Frazzlerock OMG I have just read your update!! I this is just the most amazing news 🥰🥰 xx I've just tried to remove my earlier post as I've now just seen that life is giving you beautiful things xx absolutely AMAZING I'm so so so flipping happy for you & your rainbow baby xxx big hugs to you & bump xxxxxxxxx

Great news!
So pleased the scan went well

I had one baby at 39 two babies at 41 and 42 and they were all low risk for any chromosomal abnormalities.

Great that the haematoma has shrunk too