Husband makes me feel so down

[grace1991]

Hey guys.
Just wondering if anyone else is feeling the same and looking for some advice.
I'm 20 weeks pregnant and my husband is more than happy to always sit back and let me do everything still. And when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING. He can't even be bothered to feed the cat. Or say thanks for ironing his shirts. Or put a can in recycling instead leaves it on the side for me to do. He thinks he's a hero for cutting the grass and picking up the occasional dog poo. The drive to think outside the box and try and make my life easier now I'm pregnant just isn't there. He doesn't seem to think about anyone other than himself and how I might be feeling 5 months pregnant. I've told him how I feel yet nothing changes . I feel like he's taking me for a mug too and is more than happy to let me pay for things and not offer to pay. Never offered to be taken out anyone and made to feel special. Constantly accuse me of stressing him out or nagging him which results in an argument and then he swears and calls me every name under the sun. I just feel so low. He works hard at work and is a good man in general but is honestly not caring about how I feel in this pregnancy and doesn't feel he needs to help me out in anyway. We have a puppy and two cats and all of the work with them is on me . He knows i shouldn't clear the car litter because of of toxoplasmosis but let's me do it anyway. That hurts that irs my Health and our babies health in question and he doesn't care. I'm so down. Any advice please.

Well, for starters, he can iron his own damn shirts.

@Persipan I wish he would. Unfortunately he's been brought up with his mother doing everything for him too. And if I didn't it would 100% cause a problem.

...so cause a problem! One has to ask, why did you choose to have a kid with this phenomenal loser? This will only get worse when the baby arrives. Id be laying down the law, giving it a week and then packing his bags, tbh

Why would it be a problem? Just stop doing them. If he runs out he’ll have to do them.

Please don’t change the litter. What does he say when you ask him to change it?

Can you tell us more about what 'a problem' would mean in this context? That's quite concerning to me, tbh.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow well before we decided to try for a baby things were lovely! It seems to be the last few months he's just not been bothered to do anything apart from what HE fancies doing or benefits him. It's really difficult as I am completely in love with him, we have been together a very long time, he can be caring, funny and kind but all of this recent behaviour is really getting me down. I want things to work with him. But it seems anything I say or bring up is wrong and he's actually a really "good guy" 🙁

I think your husband needs some serious re-education about what a healthy marriage looks like. It's teamwork. And if he thinks you are some kind of servant, he needs to think again.

STOP enabling him. He can do his own ironing, picking up, clearing up after himself, feeding himself, and everything else he takes for granted without so much as a thank you.

If you think that your refusal to iron his shirts is going to "cause a problem" then so be it. What do you think he will do? Shout and get angry? Threaten you? What kind of man behaves like that? (And yes - we all know the answer to this question.)

Tell him his complete lack of effort is not good enough then give him a list of all the things you expect him to do. He is no doubt completely blind to all the wife-work that you do because he is too lazy to help.

@dennisdonut he would say something along the lines of "stop making out like I don't do anything"

@Persipan a problem would just be an argument would spark or he would somehow make me feel like a really, really shit wife.

@Sicario Thankyou so much. I needed to hear those words : . He wouldn't should or threaten me for not ironing shirts he would just somehow make me feel really shit about not doing it. I agree I'm not his servant. And he would also say I'm not his servant but his ACTIONS indicate otherwise.

I wouldn’t even discuss it with him. I’d jrather st stop doing it. Leave his laundry in the basket and when he asks where it is ask him if he has washed it.

If he doesn’t stay kicking in now it’s only going to get worse when you have a baby.

Should have said just stop doing it.

Just stop ironing them. And washing them too. Do your own things only. And dishes. And cooking. Just let his shit stockpile. When he brings it up, let him know that soon you will be busy looking after an ACTUAL baby. He can adult up or fuck off.

So its ok for him to bit a crap husband but not for you? And exactly how is this going to play out when the baby is here because trust me you cant iron his shirts now

Firstly you need a long chat about responsibilities and financial stuff

and be prepared to make tough decisions

i think you do way too much..(i presume so you don't have arguments with him..) I'm happy to argue with my husband anytime :) (and he does cleaning, hoovering, gardening etc)..I don't do any of his washing and he would be waiting for a very long time to have his shirts ironed (forever)..i just tell him you have a pair of hands, use them..we both wanted to have a family so from very beginning i made my point that he needs to step up and do things which probably he wasn't doing before..your husband needs to step up..big time..and you probably need to stop trying to be a 'perfect wife' and have everything done for him..not judging..just i think with being 5m pregnant you should slow down and ask him to help. Good luck.

@FairyBatman I agree with you totally. Thankyou

@justilou1 Thankyou so much. You're right, soon I'll have an ACTUAL baby! N

@Quartz2208 Thankyou so much. All this advice is really helping me

@fool11 agree with everything you've said. We do argue but it never seems to get through to his brain that I need help. I'm physically exhausted !

You can’t complain about your husband being lazy but also do nothing about it to fix the problem. You’re enabling his shitty behaviour and teaching him that it’s acceptable because there’s no consequence right? Because you’re going to carry on ironing the shirts and everything else, so why would he change?

As PP have said, stop doing all these things and perhaps he’ll actually stop and take notice. Who cares if it causes a fight? It’s either that or carry on as you are and it will only get worse when the baby comes.

@AllyBamma Thankyou so much. You are very very right. I'm stopping doing everything for him as from now.

I'd be concerned OP. Some of these things are tantamount to abuse in a relationship. Letting you pay for everything...financial abuse. Calling you names...emotional abuse. Making you do everything...possibly sounds like modern day slavery. Please don't think that just because he doesn't hit you,it's not abuse. It's not a healthy relationship. Also,there's masses amounts of evidence that point to the fact that many abusers only start doing this after their partner has become pregnant. Please have a Google of some of the signs of abuse and maybe call women's aid,just for a bit of friendly advice.

Final point...not sure if you're having a boy or a girl. But if it's a boy,is this who you'd want as a male role model for you son as they grow up. If it's a girl,is this the kind of relationship you'd want her to grow up and be in?

I hope things improve.

@Layladylay234 I see where you're coming from. Thankyou so much for replying to me.
It's just such a difficult situation because parts of him genuinely are so lovely. I believe he is narcissistic not an abuser. But maybe I'm wrong I don't know.
I know he will be a great dad. I just feel very alone in keeping the household running and every day things. He doesnt make me pay for everything but never offers to pay if we go food shopping, just let's me pay from my own account. I don't know. I don't know if I'm over reacting or not. All I know is I'm tired and I do everything for him. And he doesn't care about how I'm feeling but will SAY he does.

OP, I’m concerned for you. In many cases of domestic abuse, the abuse starts during pregnancy and then ramps up after the birth. The abuser feels that his wife is trapped and dependent once pregnant, and is an easier victim.
You need to draw a firm line in the sand now. Make it very clear that you will not tolerate this behaviour. Be calm but firm. State which chores are his and which are yours. The cat litter is not negotiable- you should not be risking toxoplasmosis purely because your husband is a lazy selfish arsehole.
If his gaslighting (saying you are a nag, blaming you etc) and abuse escalate, you need to seek support from family, friends and if necessary Women’s Aid. Stay strong.

Hi,speaking from someone who was in a VERY similar situation to you a few years back,I can tell you that narcissm and abuse go hand in hand.

You say he doesn't make you pay for everything,but when you go food shopping,YOU pay for it. I presume he eats the food? Why is it normal that you pay for it all? Has this been the way youve done it through your whole relationship? Or is it a more recent occurrence.

As I said,just give women's aid a call for a chat or a google. I think you'll be surprised what you find. It can't hurt right?