Husband makes me feel so down

[grace1991]

Hey guys.
Just wondering if anyone else is feeling the same and looking for some advice.
I'm 20 weeks pregnant and my husband is more than happy to always sit back and let me do everything still. And when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING. He can't even be bothered to feed the cat. Or say thanks for ironing his shirts. Or put a can in recycling instead leaves it on the side for me to do. He thinks he's a hero for cutting the grass and picking up the occasional dog poo. The drive to think outside the box and try and make my life easier now I'm pregnant just isn't there. He doesn't seem to think about anyone other than himself and how I might be feeling 5 months pregnant. I've told him how I feel yet nothing changes . I feel like he's taking me for a mug too and is more than happy to let me pay for things and not offer to pay. Never offered to be taken out anyone and made to feel special. Constantly accuse me of stressing him out or nagging him which results in an argument and then he swears and calls me every name under the sun. I just feel so low. He works hard at work and is a good man in general but is honestly not caring about how I feel in this pregnancy and doesn't feel he needs to help me out in anyway. We have a puppy and two cats and all of the work with them is on me . He knows i shouldn't clear the car litter because of of toxoplasmosis but let's me do it anyway. That hurts that irs my Health and our babies health in question and he doesn't care. I'm so down. Any advice please.

@Menaimum that's brilliant. Ordering now!!!! Thankyou x

grace I get that you are putting away savings to pay your usual share but you will both have the extra cost of a baby. Nappies, formula if you aren't breastfeeding, clothing sadly needs buying as they grow, a lot.

Why is he not saving?

The more you post the more worrying this is. So basically you will be a prisoner who is not allowed to leave the house because the cats won't get fed? Well you can never leave him with the baby then either can you?

Can you not see this is abusive, it is meant to make you feel guilty, if you don't do it, he won't. You need to go away, leave a list of essential chores on the fridge as you seem to have to spoon feed him instructions.

Answer me this though, does his boss have to remind him every day what his job is? What his responsibilities are? No? Because he has respect for his boss.

If you were my daughter I would be worried for the future of your marriage.

@JuniperSnowberry I honestly don't know what to do. I can't stop crying after reading all you just said because I know it's true

This is not too late. This is the point where you realise things need to change.

You have said this has started because you are pregnant, it can be two things, one because he is truly abusive and the control starts now, or that he likes the idea of you being some sort of 1950's housewife, as you will be at home with the baby and somehow still have time to iron his clothes, cook his dinner, that sort of thing. Only you know which this is.

If you can listen to the Dr Phil podcasts because he talks through the dysfunctional.

But first things first. Today, you abdicate responsibility for the pets, he needs to do that. You do not do it, at all. There is too much risk and you cannot be cavalier with the health of you or your baby. He may not care but the way to show you care is to absolutely not back down on this.

You cannot live in fear of speaking your mind in a relationship. Ultimately he should be your best friend. I would be asking why he is willing to risk a miscarriage or stillbirth both of which would be horrific on all levels.

Very unmumsnetty but I feel like you need a hug

Could you go away to your parents? Are they nearby? Supportive?

I have empathy to this situation, I have been with my DH for over 10 years. I love him very much and he is a really great guy. However, he does NO housework. He is an only child and his mum always did everything for him. When we first moved in together I made the mistake of starting with ironing his shirts etc. Basically, about three years ago, I simply stopped ironing his clothes. Just ignore any guilt trip you are put on, he won’t go to work in a crumpled shirt and he will do it. This may seem a small win but it was a real victory for me.

Now that I am pregnant, he has hired a cleaner to come once a week which is a real help. He is paying for this, maybe your DH could do the same?

OP, how can you say he will be a great dad, if you can't even trust him to look after pets? He wouldn't feed the cat and let the dog out - what gives you a reason to think he will not also leave the baby in a dirty nappy?
How will he be a great dad if he can't even clean up after himself - babies and children create a LOT of extra mess. What does he say if you ask him if he expect you to clean up after both of them? While paying everything? And why does he think this is fair? Does he think this makes you feel like a loved and cherished wife? Does he care about how you feel, or is it only his feelings that matter?

I have just had a long in depth conversation with him. He genuinely apologised profusely and didn't realise I was feeling this way (I was crying)
He understood and admitted he could do more. And agreed to do more.
He told me he loves me and doesn't want me to feel this way and understands I'm struggling with pregnancy and exhaustion.
Hopefully things will change. I'm not going to iron another shirt from now on and going
To try and get a cleaner.
Thankyou all so much for your kind words and advice. It's nice to feel there are people out there to talk to who aren't directly involved. Xxx

Whoop, well done!

this is a very good first step but you do need to get the financial stuff sorted (particularly with maternity leave) expectations as a dad and that he doesnt slip

@Quartz2208 totally agree. Apparently he is actually saving each month. Going through his statements later! X