Husband makes me feel so down

[grace1991]

Hey guys.
Just wondering if anyone else is feeling the same and looking for some advice.
I'm 20 weeks pregnant and my husband is more than happy to always sit back and let me do everything still. And when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING. He can't even be bothered to feed the cat. Or say thanks for ironing his shirts. Or put a can in recycling instead leaves it on the side for me to do. He thinks he's a hero for cutting the grass and picking up the occasional dog poo. The drive to think outside the box and try and make my life easier now I'm pregnant just isn't there. He doesn't seem to think about anyone other than himself and how I might be feeling 5 months pregnant. I've told him how I feel yet nothing changes . I feel like he's taking me for a mug too and is more than happy to let me pay for things and not offer to pay. Never offered to be taken out anyone and made to feel special. Constantly accuse me of stressing him out or nagging him which results in an argument and then he swears and calls me every name under the sun. I just feel so low. He works hard at work and is a good man in general but is honestly not caring about how I feel in this pregnancy and doesn't feel he needs to help me out in anyway. We have a puppy and two cats and all of the work with them is on me . He knows i shouldn't clear the car litter because of of toxoplasmosis but let's me do it anyway. That hurts that irs my Health and our babies health in question and he doesn't care. I'm so down. Any advice please.

Thanks @Babdoc for confirming my concerns x

I know he will be a great dad.

Part of being a great dad is working together as a team with you, for the well-being of your child and each other. Being a great dad is not just playing with your child or doing the fun stuff.

So you’re saying that until you got pregnant he pulled his weight, ironed his own shirts, threw his rubbish away etc? Or do you mean that you did all this stuff and didn’t mind before?

You need to nip this behaviour in the bud before the baby arrives because it will only get worse and you will resent him.

@Babdoc Thankyou so much. I will give them a call xxx

I'm further along in the same situation. It may get better for a while but it'll never change. My partner just walked out on us because apparently I stress him out and yell at him because I want him to pick him stuff up and look after the kids when he sits on his arse whilst I run round like a crazy lunatic. We have a 3yr old and 3month old. I've been so blinded for years that I actually want him back because I miss him and I need help with the children. I knew what he was like before we had kids and yet I was stupid enough to think he'd change after kids

@Layladylay234 yes you're right. He's always been a bit narcissistic but recently it's just worsened. Either that or I've noticed it more because I'm more emotional than usual.

@2littleboyzmum I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through too. That's horrible and I hope you do find happiness in the last half an hour I've sent him a four page essay about how I'm feeling and whah needs to change. We will see. I don't want to be without him but I may as well be now.

OP, this will get worse when the baby is born because you will be exhausted and sleep deprived and still expected to 'look after him'. He is a big selfish man child and he won't change and you can't make him. You can only change how you react and behave.

You need to reframe the dynamic here. Stop thinking that he is 'helping' you, when he is merely doing a tiny thing towards the running of the house. Just because you have a vagina, does not give you ironing superpowers, or responsibility for all things domestic. Likewise, just because he has a penis, does not mean that he is entitled to have a domestic slave seeing to his needs.

You need to sit down together and split the housework and bills 50/50. Put money for food costs and bills into a joint account each month. Share out the household chores equally. And then as your pregnancy progresses and the baby is born, he needs to take more of the share.

My money is on him refusing to do this, or agreeing and then not doing it. You may have a difficult choice to make very soon, because things cannot go on as they are. He will grind you into the ground.

Trust me, being a single parent of an actual child is SO much easier than looking after a man child.

calls me every name under the sun. I just feel so low. He works hard at work and is a good man in general

This is worrying, the argument should stay focused on the disagreement, the minute this gets into name calling it becomes abusive. You need to stop this the minute this starts by asking him to stay on point.

He is not a good man if he resorts to name calling. I have been married for over 20 years and even when Dh and I have been poles apart on something neither of us has resorted to name calling. If you can listen to podcasts Dr Phil does one called Phil in the blanks and has a whole heap of them on relationships titled how fun are you to live with. He addresses lots of conflict areas.

I find it very interesting that he expects you to pay for the food shopping. Does he see you in the role of the housewife, responsible for domestic chores such as ironing, cleaning etc? You need to try to have a calm talk about housework and responsibility.

I am a SAHM with teenagers so obviously I do the vast majority of the housework, but right now I am out of action with a bad back. Dh has done all the ironing, laundry, folding clothes, cooking, food shop etc. He does see this as a novelty. But in all the years I have been a SAHM I have never been taken for granted, he appreciates my role and shows it.

Oh my god yes about the single parent comment @BendyLikeBeckham. I know it's scary OP but please put yourself and your child first. This won't get any bettwr

And I would add the cup of tea analogy whenever you think he has some good qualities, will make a good dad (he won't), and when you wobble and miss him and love him. If a cup of tea is 95% delicious lovely tea but 5% of it is poo, as in actual faeces, would you still drink it?

This applies to your relationship. Don't tolerate it, and don't drink the poo!

PS and please don't listen to the people saying this is YOUR fault. This is not YOUR fault. This is HIM putting you in this situation and taking advantage of you.

@BendyLikeBeckham Thankyou so much. We do split all bills down the middle it's just other shops etc. He does take the piss out of me a bit. You're right I may have a hard decision to make. I just wish he would realise how much I'm struggling. I didn't mention I work full time either. I don't just sit around at home!!!
Xx

@chica1 not my fault in anyway but Thankyou

@JuniperSnowberry that's exactly it I feel I'm being taken for granted. It's just so difficult as there are days we laugh and laugh and are very much in love, he can be so kind and sweet and he has been there for all scans etc. I just hate how he takes me for granted and is happy to sit back and watch me struggle

@BendyLikeBeckham that's a brilliant analogy. Thankyou

This is madness.

Paying for things, surely with living together and baby on the way all general household expenses should be joint now? Dh and I have own accounts with some savings and money to do what we please with, but most goes into joint accounts so any bills, food, days out are all from joint money.

The household things, just stop. I'm nearly 33 weeks now. Dh is away on business. He ran around making sure house was stocked up before he left, and we have a cleaner once per week who he arranged to come an extra day whilst he is away in case cat litter tray needing emptying (our go outside 99%), and who give me a general extra hand in case it is needed with anything involving heavy lifting or bending down.

If your partner wants his shirts ironed, he needs to do them himself or send them out to be done. Using something like a tin of food, then leaving it dirty on the side for you to clean and recycle is just not acceptable.

If he is like this now, how much is he planning on doing to help you, the home and baby when it is born?

It feels like he's taking advantage and your feelings aren't wrong. He possibly doesn't realise that he's being unfair in getting you to do far too much but that still doesn't make it right.

Your going to have to dig your heels in here and stop doing everything for him I'm afraid, and he will get used to it! Don't react to any guilt tripping from him or names when he has to help. Yes he won't be happy but tough!

@Caspianberg Thankyou for your reply! Yes all bills come out of joint account but we don't actually put money in there for food shopping we never have! It used to be he did one shop and I did the next etc but seems it's me doing them more frequently now! It's not even the money- I can afford it. Irs just the principle and lack of respect.
I'm envious your husband does all that for you. Mine wouldn't think that may. He says I get every afternoon-evening at home So why should he have to get a cleaner or send his shirts off? He sees it as when I'm at home I can get things done. Usually I can. But I'm pregnant and exhausted!!!

@creaturcomforts Thankyou so much. Heels are dug in as from now. Xx

so you work, pay for more and do 90% of the chores - what does he bring to your life

And if I didn't it would 100% cause a problem. That is problematic in itself! Stop doing it, and tell him that you are NOT his mum, and he can piss off back home to her if he wants his shirts ironed.

Yep as PP said - abuse. Check out the Freedom Programme. He is playing ''king of the castle''.

@Quartz2208 you're right. I don't even know. But I do know I'll be very very sad without him as there are really really lovely times.

@differentnameforthis yes that's a good idea. Thankyou xx