Husband makes me feel so down

[grace1991]

Hey guys.
Just wondering if anyone else is feeling the same and looking for some advice.
I'm 20 weeks pregnant and my husband is more than happy to always sit back and let me do everything still. And when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING. He can't even be bothered to feed the cat. Or say thanks for ironing his shirts. Or put a can in recycling instead leaves it on the side for me to do. He thinks he's a hero for cutting the grass and picking up the occasional dog poo. The drive to think outside the box and try and make my life easier now I'm pregnant just isn't there. He doesn't seem to think about anyone other than himself and how I might be feeling 5 months pregnant. I've told him how I feel yet nothing changes . I feel like he's taking me for a mug too and is more than happy to let me pay for things and not offer to pay. Never offered to be taken out anyone and made to feel special. Constantly accuse me of stressing him out or nagging him which results in an argument and then he swears and calls me every name under the sun. I just feel so low. He works hard at work and is a good man in general but is honestly not caring about how I feel in this pregnancy and doesn't feel he needs to help me out in anyway. We have a puppy and two cats and all of the work with them is on me . He knows i shouldn't clear the car litter because of of toxoplasmosis but let's me do it anyway. That hurts that irs my Health and our babies health in question and he doesn't care. I'm so down. Any advice please.

Be a ‘shit wife’ and use the spare time you have not ironing his shirts to be a great mother.

He is perfectly capable of doing things for himself and if he doesn’t want to, he can either pay someone to do it or jog on.

Be strong. Don’t let him guilt you into dong things for him. You are not there to look after him. A marriage is teamwork, this is not team work.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Layladylay234, I’m a slow typist and crossposted with you! You actually made the point eloquently already, so my intervention wasn’t needed. But I think it helps OP to see the abuse more easily, if several people agree about the risks.

My exDH was also absolutely lovely, the love of my life, etc - right up until pretty much the day I got my BFP! It's tragically common. I ended up having three days for my maternity leave, as he flatly refused to even try to find more work to support us (fortunately I WFH, but even so!).

I think you're doing the right thing in withdrawing domestic services and I really hope you're including the litter tray in that. Tell him that's his job from now on. I would genuinely leave him over that, over what it represents - i.e. unwillingness to do something very simple in order to protect his unborn child. What kind of a fucking father-to-be is that, for Christ's sake? At the very least I would tell him the cats will be rehomed by the weekend if he refuses. I'll have them!

I'm glad you've posted OP, he sounds awful, and trust me when the baby is here this will only get worse because, you won't be earning any money for a bit, you will end up buying/paying for all the food shopping/ kids stuff as you'll be the one at home. So this needs sorting now.

First things first definitely stop ironing the shirts, good grief. And you need to have a proper discussion about money and plan properly for your maternity leave so you are not financially 'short'.

I don't have high hopes i'm afraid, a lot of men can't cope when they are no longer number 1 (and the baby is instead, quite rightly!).

It can be hard, because we are SO conditioned to be the care takers, and society hasn't moved on from viewing us as such.

I can say though, that this will not get better, and agree with pp that you will have your worked doubled once baby is here.

If he IS a wonderful person/will be a wonderful father, you pushing back on him regarding his side of the household chores will not be a problem, if it does cause ripples, just remember he is showing you who he is. If he doesn't do his share in the house, he won't do his share with the baby.

Sorry you're in this situation. Just out of interest, do you both earn the same amount? It's all well and good splitting the bills 50-50, but it's not fair if he's earning more than you.

You are growing a human inside of you, it is exhausting.

This is the reason why once we had our 20 week scan done we started to shop for baby things as everyone told me I would be too tired to want to deal with any of it after 30 weeks.

If you know roughly what you spend on food get that money from both of you put into the joint account now. Otherwise I can see him expecting you to pay for it on your maternity leave pay.

I am actually dreading the answer to this but have you talked about money when you are on maternity leave? Do you know how much you will be getting? Dh and I saved as much as we could and just used that to fund our joint account. Obviously my personal contribution tapered over time (I was off for 12 months) but the savings just topped up my normal contribution. I went back to work part time so again, we adjusted our finances accordingly. After a bit I became a SAHM due to a job relocation for Dh.

I should tell you Dh always out earned me, I am now a SAHM, have full access to all bank accounts, a credit card that is paid automatically every month from the joint account which I pay nothing into. Child benefit goes into mine.

It sounds bloody awful. I am shocked at you making excuses about ironing his shirts because his mum did it? Who gives a crap what his mum did, your his wife not his mother and he needs to understand that. You are enabling him by allowing it. You need to stay strong with your new stance. Personally I would go away for a few days too and leave him with the puppy and cats. You need some head space as his behaviour will get worse when the baby arrives

Your midwife is your friend on these situations - be it your actual midwife or your imaginary midwife friend.

If you want something then use the midwife to broach the subject rather than make it something that means it’s you saying he needs more.

So if you’re really tired - say that you’re feeling tired, you’ve spoken to your midwife and she has said that you need to put your feet up for at least 3 hours when you get home, and cut out anything not necessary. So washing and food prep is out, if he wants it done he needs to do it.

Likewise she was horrified to hear that you’re dealing with the cats’ litter - if he won’t then it means he will have to rehire the cats/let them starve/pay someone to do it instead/etc - obviously only suggest these options if you think they will jolt him to do it and not actually rehome them if you want to keep them! But definitely point out that the midwife says that he is putting you and his baby at risk and that if anything happens to either of you then it is all on him.

Even if you haven’t actually spoken your midwife - you’re asking for really obvious reasonable things that she would be telling you with no problem if you had asked. It’s not like you’ve said she said he needs to peel grapes for you.

@wibdib that's a really good idea. Thankyou so much I will give it a go xxx

Sadly you are having a baby with a man who is sexist.

This will likely get much, much worse when DC arrives as in addition to the huge demands of parenting the domestic work will hugely increase and you will have less time and energy.

If you’re willing to stay with him, and think he will be willing to change (many men are not), suggest couple’s counselling with someone BACP qualified, to have it out.

Stop doing things for him immediately. Put crap he’s left out in a cardboard box. If as a couple you can afford it, get a cleaner.

Also, plan to WoH after maternity leave. It’d be a v bad plan to stay at home with a partner like yours.

@champagneandfromage50 I know I can't go away. The cats wouldn't get fed and the dog would be left too long. But I do need to make him see what it's like doing everything x

Just to add to my earlier post about stopping doing stuff, I would actually stop dealing with the cat litter right now, and mean it.

If he won’t do it you aught to think about revoking either the cats or the husband. definitely the husband and but some rubber gloves for the cat litter

@JuniperSnowberry I'm saving each month now to be able to pay myself out of that savings eaxh month to top up statutory. He isn't saving I don't think. Not for maternity anyway x x

He isn’t likely to respond to passive/“subtle” stuff such as saying “the mifwife says”..... If he cared about your (and your DC’s) welfare as much as he cares for himself he would already be doing much more.

@postingintotheabyss he earns a tad more than me. By about 300 a month. But i still believe he should be paying more than me anyway as it was 70% me deposit for house z

@Jackiebrambles Thankyou so much. Fingers crossed 😢

@puds11 Thankyou xxxx

@FairyBatman it's hard as if I don't do it the cats will suffer !!!

What do you mean you wish he 'could'? I was expecting you to state some sort of medical reasons why he cant do anything himself. He can do anything he wants to you just do it for him. I'd lay it out your expectations now before your baby is here else he will only make it harder

You can't go away because he wouldn't look after the family pets? It gets worse

It's better to just work out what your monthly outgoings are (including food etc) and both put money in to cover it.

@champagneandfromage50 he would look after the dog when he's home from work yes. But he isn't interested in cleaning cat poo out the box and I don't think he's ever fed them in his life unles I've been in hospital.

@fishonabicycle yes maybe we should be putting in the extra
Money for that instead of how we do it now

There's a great book (pennies second hand on eBay) with a slightly sexist title called "household management for men" it's a simple visual guide to what any adult (of either sex) needs to do every day/week/month/ year to avoid become a filthy lazy inconsiderate hoarder pig whose pregnant wife leaves him because he's being an arse. Highly recommend you make him a gift of it and do end of chapter quizzes before much more time passes.