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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Are people lying when they say they got pregnant after relaxing?

111 replies

JillyGake · 27/02/2020 07:53

I’ve heard so many stories from people saying that they stop trying and get pregnant. So just relax.

So many people say they have had tests, are temping, IVF etc. Then when nothing works they give up trying and that’s when they get pregnant. But...surely they still KNOW when they’re about to ovulate and then have sex? They can’t just remove that information from their brain. To stop trying they’d need to not have sex around ovulation. I don’t get it.

I’m desperate to have number 2 and I’m wondering if I stop temping if maybe that’d work. But I’d be stressed wondering if I ovulated or not Hmm

OP posts:
RyvitaBrevis · 27/02/2020 19:36

Well, going on holiday, relaxing, drinking, giving up periodically, mostly resigning ourselves to a childless future, didn't work for us.

There are lots of reasons why a couple may not conceive

  1. Sperm not meeting egg (timing is off, not having enough sex, etc) - 'just relax' will help if it helps you to have more sex
  2. Sperm meeting egg but failing to fertilise because sperm wonky, egg wonky, etc - don't think 'just relax' is really going to help this
  3. Sperm meeting egg but not implanting due to hostile womb environment, genetic disorder, hormonal balance wrong - ditto
  4. Sperm meeting egg but not implanting for no known reason - maybe relaxing will help here?
  5. Sperm not meeting egg because sperm not motile - just relax won't help
  6. Sperm not meeting egg because tubes blocked, cervix blocked, endo adhesions in the way etc - just relax won't help

I had problem number 6, it turns out, and no amount of relaxing would have helped. IVF did though.

Viletta · 27/02/2020 19:45

I think just relax only helping not counting days and make things seem to work quicker

Amichelle84 · 27/02/2020 19:48

The most annoying thing someone can say to you when you're trying to conceive BUT that is exactly what happened to us. Had been trying for 2 years, the month we decided to stop was the month it happened.

Original poster
JillyGake · 28/02/2020 07:39

@MrFlibblesEyes exactly! I don’t think you can relax u less you do give up hope that it is going to happen. I can’t trick my mind into thinking “I’ve given up now, we’ll just have set for fun”. I know I still want to keep trying!! This is what gets me. I can’t just get drunk and have sex and forget about timing because I desperately want to make sure we have sex in my fertile window.

I’ve been trying for 18 months now, since my little boy was 6 months old. I had a MC last August. I have just turned 40 so my anxiety has probably increased massively. I feel like it’s never going to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
JillyGake · 28/02/2020 13:47

So I've had my test results back today that indicate I have low egg count as my FSH levels are 16.2

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/02/2020 19:18

V sorry you’ve had worrying results, I’ve never had those tests so don’t know what those results might mean, but there is probably lots of good info on here from posters who’ve been there.

MadamePewter · 29/02/2020 10:03

OP I think that’s more what people mean by relax: it’s when you give up hope really that anecdotally it happens, but of course you can’t fake that. I know it’s hard 💐

PrinnyPree · 29/02/2020 10:34

I would never say it to anyone but it did happen for me after an early miscarriage (chemical pregnancy) in August I booked a last minute week away with my OH to Croatia to unwind after the dissappointment, first week of Sept, no pressure lots of chilling out, booze and sex and just trying to feel good and I conceived, now 28 weeks today.

Its no good saying to someone just relax because that doesn't make anyone relaxed but maybe there is something to feeling less stress and pressure, and maybe it has got its merits... just have lots if sex too, even outside your perceived ovulation window. According to my dating scan I conceived 11 days after my miscarriage which I wouldn't have thought was probable.

Lweji · 29/02/2020 10:39

DS was conceived after more than 2 years trying and when I thought it wouldn't happen. We had just bought a 1 bed flat too!

I suppose that there will be many people for whom it never happened anyway.

Either way, I think you'll just be happy without that pressure. Accepting if it does happen and if it doesn't happen is better for you.
All the pressure you're putting yourself through isn't good for your health, including you, and for those around you.

xJune88 · 29/02/2020 10:39

People saying it to you defo doesnt help but when you truly mean it yourself and stop trying it happened for us. Wed just planned holidays and cabins and decided to have a year off found out we were expecting a couple of weeks later!

Tfoot75 · 29/02/2020 10:50

I think it's probably true tbh, your body will probably try not to conceive if you're frequently in fight or flight mode if ttc has become an obsession, that's just nature. It's not just anecdotal. We took 18 months to conceive dc1 when it felt like a big thing and it was one of the main things I was thinking about. Dc2 2nd month, no worries just when it happens it happens, rather than first time it felt like a big 'if' rather than 'when'.

UnaOfStormhold · 29/02/2020 10:51

There's a great book called Fertile thinking by Cat Sizer which has some helpful advice on looking after your mental wellbeing while going through infertility - would definitely recommend.

Kuponut · 29/02/2020 10:55

I'd kind of semi given up hope but was going through the motions each month after struggling to conceive and then recurrent miscarriages. Then, and it's such a bizarre thought and it was so utterly vivid I still remember it now, I was driving around a particular roundabout in the local area and suddenly just decided that it WAS going to happen that month - went home, promptly jumped on DH... and that was the month I fell pregnant with DD1. Absolutely crazy how it happened.

Then we just assumed we'd never have another and didn't use contraception to see what happened - which is why I have a 10 1/2 month age gap! Waited 6 years for one (couldn't get my BMI to the point the NHS would help) and then ended up with two under the age of 1.

ageingdisgracefully · 29/02/2020 11:07

I would never say it.

It happened to me though. I'd had a miscarriage, was aged 41 and redundant. Had been having a hard time. I got another job after a period off work, had my eye on a fat pension and a sporty job, and bang!

Neighbours of my parents' age couldn't conceive and adopted. 6 months later - bang. Another one. Weird.

Raindancer411 · 29/02/2020 11:07

My hubby when I met him had been in another relationship and had his sperm tested. Very low results and told they would need help to conceive. Meets me, was more relaxed, lost some weight and are healthy and within a year I fell pregnant. We were not trying and think these things made a difference.

Just wanted to make a point that although your test seems low, it's not totally over 😘

Pentium85 · 29/02/2020 11:09

Told I would never have children, stressed for years.

Then just accepted it and looked into surrogacy or not having children, and I miraculously fell pregnant.

BertieBotts · 29/02/2020 11:21

Just more Sex is only useful in terms of making sure you definitely hit the window. Scientifically there is no difference if you have Sex once within the fertile period or say 10 times, unless you've got a partner with sperm issues either of motility or quantity, then it is worth doing it more.

Apparently sperm tends to meet egg around 90% of the time, that's not the problem when conceiving, it's the bit that happens next. Both sperm and egg need to be of sufficient quality for the body not to reject the embryo. You can increase both sperm and egg quality with supplements which is worth doing if you're struggling. I don't know offhand which ones but plenty of websites say.

If you know you have sperm quality issues, you can make things worse by having too much sex, it's meant to be better if you wait 48 hours between each ejaculation.

I did finally conceive DS2 after I stopped tracking, but I stopped tracking because I knew roughly when I would ovulate, so I don't take that as anything more than a coincidence!

TheBeesKnee · 29/02/2020 16:04

Tfoot75

I think it's probably true tbh, your body will probably try not to conceive if you're frequently in fight or flight mode if ttc has become an obsession, that's just nature.

Sure, which is why there were no babies born in the feudalism age, in modern day war zones or impoverished areas.

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/02/2020 16:16

‘Relaxing’ only works for unexplained infertility where the ivf clinic as no idea (after all testing) about what the problem is. For these couples ivf isn’t recommended as, according to most statistics, most will get pregnant naturally within 5 years.

If you have a diagnosed problem then no amount of relaxing will help. You need treatment

KatnissMellark · 29/02/2020 16:21

Funnily enough, relaxing doesn't help if you've got no sperm/eggs/blocked tubes/any one of a multitude of other fertility issues....

OhMyGodTheyKilledKenny · 29/02/2020 16:23

A GP friend of mine said that they've had a few patients who have become pregnant immediately after telling them that they will start the referral process for infertility tests etc .

He said it's as though the patients breathe a sigh of relief that their concerns are being taken seriously, that they've been listened to and that they're going to be able to start the process to hopefully being able to conceive.

MindatWork · 29/02/2020 16:24

Oh OP I hope you’re not being upset by all the ‘it worked for me stories’ - these threads always give a skewed impression as people want to rush to sure their success stories whereas you won’t hear from the MANY people ‘relaxing’ hasn’t worked for.

I think the thing that used to upset me the most about the whole ‘just relax’ thing is that there is an inference that you’re doing something wrong, that you’re the reason it’s not working and you need to chill out more.

That’s the last thing you need, and it’s also bollocks. As pp said, it’s anecdotal only and there’s no evidence whatsoever that ‘relaxing’ helps.

Also agree with you on the not being able to forget when you’re ovulating as well. Even when DH and I were ‘not trying’, drinking and eating badly and going on lots of holidays, I couldn’t unlearn my own body so I was never really ‘not trying’.

When we took a break from ttc before our final (successful!) ivf cycle, I actually went back on the pill for a few months, just to get control back of my own body.

Good luck xx

Superlooper · 29/02/2020 16:26

Haven't RTFT but after months of TTC, the times I actually got pregnant were when we dtd because we wanted to, not because we were TTC.

But obviously it won't work if there are physical reasons for not conceiving.

lulufufu · 29/02/2020 16:27

It's unhelpful to be told to relax, I know. I had several pregnancies because I kept miscarrying. Only ever got pregnant when I wasn't at work. So I think stress does have a huge impact.

R2D2abc · 29/02/2020 16:29

With some people works. Every time I got pregnant it was when I less expected. Infact I tested when my period was late as I wouldn't think I got pregnant.

First time around, yes, we were actively trying, was on my third round of medicine for fertility but missed a few as we were stressed with work, moving house, etc. I wouldn't have taught I was pregnant. Tested on day 35 of my period. Usually a 30 days long.

Second time was after I miscarried my second pregnancy. I never had a cycle back, never taught I was pregnant until my husband bought a clear blue because I had no period.

Third time I got pregnant with only doing once the deed, it was a busy month, I was pretty sure it wasn't the month. But on day of missed period my sister tested as she was 2 weeks late and she had a second test which I taught to do it without thinking it will come positive. I was pregnant.

Fourth time wasn't really planned at all( not that I'm not happily 31 weeks pregnant). We just managed to have some time for us in between the busyness of the kids and life. I purely tested on the day of missed period because my breasts hurt( they never hurt unless I was pregnant or breastfeeding, which the second one I stopped two months before). I'm still pregnant now.

So for us whenever we actively tried and did ovulation tests and made sure we used all the positions and everything, I never got pregnant.
Each of the other times I wasn't thinking I will get pregnant so never bothered to have tests in the house to test early or so. Was actively waiting for AF to show up.

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