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Original poster

I don’t want my mum at the birth

51 replies

Rosehip345 · 24/02/2020 00:02

So my mum has let slip that she will obviously be at the birth whilst my dad has my other kids if DH isn’t back.
It is highly likely due to DHs work that he won’t get home in time for the birth. Having him there is my no1, but if he’s not I absolutely do not want my mum there. I would rather be on my own.
How do I go about telling her this without hurting her feelings (or her getting in a strop and refusing to look after my other kids)??

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haveyoutriedgoogle · 24/02/2020 00:08

Is she likely to get in a strop and refuse to help with your other kids? That’s really concerning if she would do that....
I completely get you though, I wouldn’t ( and didn’t) want my mum there. I would just calmly say to her something like ‘ Mum, I really appreciate your offer but if DH can’t make it, I’d actually feel better doing it on my own knowing you were with the other kids so I didn’t need to worry about it.’
And organise a friend or alternative in case she throws a tantrum.

Chocolateandchats · 24/02/2020 00:11

Tell her how much you need her for your other kids, how you know it’ll be hard for them and it’s her that will make it better for them. Or be honest. Either way you shouldn’t be guilt tripped into having her there.

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 24/02/2020 00:16

Yes she’d strop and refuse, unfortunately my Dad is too weak to ignore her and have them anyway.
She wouldn’t see that as a reason though as my Dad is capable of having them on his own.
I don’t have any other alternatives. Wondering if it’s worth bracing for the fall out now whilst she still has a month to get over it?

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 24/02/2020 00:23

What would happen if she came to the hospital and was there for the start and then you told the midwives you wanted to be on your own for the last bit, would she leave? Maybe give your DM the heads up that nearer the end you wouldn’t want her there.

Just trying to work out a way so she wouldn’t suddenly leave you without childcare.

Do your children go to school/pre school? Do you know any of the parents? I helped a friend out with childcare when she went into labour as no local family. So picked her eldest DC up from school when picking my own DC up as she had gone into hospital.

haveyoutriedgoogle · 24/02/2020 00:24

Well she sounds delightful 🤨
I would certainly do it now so she’s got time to get over herself but I would certainly be organising an alternative for childcare for the other children regardless, because anyone who is prepared to add extra stress to their daughter when she’s pregnant and her partner works away, is an arsehole.

haveyoutriedgoogle · 24/02/2020 00:26

Sorry OP, I skim read and didn’t see you dont have any alternatives ☹️
Perhaps with a months notice you could contact some local babysitters or a nanny service to help? How old are the other kids? I’d certainly help a school mum/nursery mum our with some babysitting in this situation?

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 24/02/2020 00:29

@ineedaholidaynow Unfortunately the reason I’m so worried is because I’ve been in this position before and she literally refused to leave. I don’t want her there for even a second.

I think I’m just going to have to find alternative childcare I just haven’t a clue who. I don’t know anyone that would have them on a normal day let alone potentially overnight.

OP posts:
whitesoxx · 24/02/2020 00:30

It would be unusual for someone to want to be on their own, it's not a massive assumption for her to think you'd want someone with you. Can't you just tell her or have a friend with you?

Avearage · 24/02/2020 00:34

So I would blame my husband!! I'd say mum he's going to be gutted he wasn't there so I really think rather than him know someone else was I will do my best to do alone.... I really appreciate you saying you will come but I don't want hubby to feel pushed out.......

Or when you have those first contractions send the kiddies to mums as your having a night off and tada baby arrives as if like magic xx
I also couldn't think of anything worse than mum being there Confused

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 24/02/2020 00:41

@whitesoxx It’s more that I’d rather be on my own than have her there. Seeing as I don’t have an alternative birth partner to my DH then that’s the other choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosehip345 · 24/02/2020 00:42

@Avearage I think this is looking good
Or when you have those first contractions send the kiddies to mums as your having a night off and tada baby arrives as if like magic

OP posts:
Beseen19 · 24/02/2020 00:51

Do you have a friend that you could take and then it's clear that you have support and shes not so 'needed'?
I only say because I was in a very similar situation (expats with no one to look after DS so plan was for DH to stay at home and me to labour alone) but when I actually went into labour I became quite panicked and did not want to be alone.

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 24/02/2020 01:08

I’m going to have to spell it out I think. She turned up when DH was there and still refused to leave with DD1, that’s why I’m so concerned, I just don’t want a repeat.

OP posts:
5zeds · 24/02/2020 01:19

How old are your other children? People will help.

Littlemissdaredevil · 24/02/2020 02:19

Could you pop the kids over to your mums at the very first contraction just in case and then tell mum that the hospital said to wait at home until they become regular? Then, oops the baby came very quickly after arriving and you didn’t have time to tell mum?

If you go into labour whilst the kids are at school could you ask mum/dad to pick the kids up as you have a bad back/D&V, etc and have them to sleep over - then whoops the baby arrives and no time to call mum?

FeedMeChoc · 24/02/2020 05:57

Don’t worry about it now. I didn’t want my mum either but actually when I went into labour I changed my mind. Worry about it when it comes to it.

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 24/02/2020 06:03

@feedmechoc I’m very aware of what I do/don’t want. This is no4, I don’t want a repeat of history.
I get that others may want their mums there or change their minds.

OP posts:
Theworldisfullofgs · 24/02/2020 06:05

Could anyone else have your kids?

I just didn't tell my mum but then I didnt need her for childcare either.

Does she always make it about her?

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 24/02/2020 06:06

Plus I’m worried now as I really don’t want to have to deal with this whilst being in labour and getting to the point of literally to ask her to leave and getting midwives to block visitors. Again. Much much more stressful and not helpful when in labour.

OP posts:
Theworldisfullofgs · 24/02/2020 06:09

Or tell her now, which gives you time to make plans if she has a strop.

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 24/02/2020 06:11

The kids are all small and my parents are the only ones that will have them.

Yes unfortunately but it’s more that she just cannot listen to any opinion that isn’t her own.

OP posts:
Theworldisfullofgs · 24/02/2020 06:21

I think your only option is to tell her now.

JudyCoolibar · 24/02/2020 06:40

Could you let her think that your DH has managed to arrange things so that he will definitely be there, so there is no need for her to come?

Frenchw1fe · 24/02/2020 06:45

Could you get it written into your notes that you do not want anyone except you dh with you in the hospital?

Wishforsnow · 24/02/2020 06:55

Did your mum have her mum with her giving birth. I bet she didn't.

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