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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I don’t want my mum at the birth

51 replies

Rosehip345 · 24/02/2020 00:02

So my mum has let slip that she will obviously be at the birth whilst my dad has my other kids if DH isn’t back.
It is highly likely due to DHs work that he won’t get home in time for the birth. Having him there is my no1, but if he’s not I absolutely do not want my mum there. I would rather be on my own.
How do I go about telling her this without hurting her feelings (or her getting in a strop and refusing to look after my other kids)??

OP posts:

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ineedaholidaynow · 24/02/2020 06:58

If she is so bad that she would refuse to do childcare whilst you are in labour, you need to build up a better support network round you. Not just for this birth but for everything. Do you not have local friends?

StormDenise · 24/02/2020 07:02

I think I'd lie and say DH was on his way back to be at the birth even if he's not. Then just say afterwards that it was all so quick he missed it,

TorkTorkBam · 24/02/2020 07:07

I would also lie. Say DH is there or will be any minute. Tell the midwife that DM is not to be allowed in.

hidinginthenightgarden · 24/02/2020 07:10

Is a home birth an option? You might need a friend to keep the kids away if they are awake but at least you wouldn't need actual childcare.

5zeds · 24/02/2020 07:39

The thing is you don’t want to get the midwives to intervene or get to the point where you ask her to leave, yet you don’t want her there. I think you need to decide who is going to be happy with the set up in the day? Then face up to possibly upsetting her or possibly losing your free childcare. You’ve got a month. You CAN organise a babysitter in that time. Ask at the children’s nursery. Start having someone once a week so the kids know them and so do you.

TorkTorkBam · 24/02/2020 07:44

With my boundary-attacking mother, if I said no in advance then she would do anything and everything to be there. I learned to make vague noises, not take the bait, grey rock. If she believes there would be no drama and worse she might be quietly sidelined unable to force herself to be centre of attention then she would not attend when the situation arose. Is yours maybe the same?

sel2223 · 24/02/2020 07:53

I hear you OP

My OH is away and I'm unsure if he'll be back for the birth. I haven't got the best relationship with my mother and honestly think labour would be more stressful with her there (I know that sounds terrible).
She's already been trying to come to scans and appointments but I keep making excuses and putting her off which has worked so far.

It's so difficult though.

Bol87 · 24/02/2020 08:11

Just tell the hospital you don’t want her there?! They will kick anyone out that you specifically say you want to leave?! If she turns up, just be clear she is to leave & they’ll help you?

Honestly, as an adult with coming up 4 children, stand up to your mum! Why on earth does she think she has the right to refuse to leave a birth room?! What is wrong with people?! My mum wouldn’t dream of doing anything like that.. we are adults, we have a open & honest relationship and she values my independence as much as I value hers (she’s retired & I make sure she has plenty of time to enjoy it. She does childcare once a week).

mrssunshinexxx · 24/02/2020 08:12

Just lie and say your DH is there ? (Not that you should have to but it's a way round it )

mrssunshinexxx · 24/02/2020 08:15

And as others have said when you arrive as hospital make it crystal clear to the midwifes you don't want anyone being allowed in if you say it firmly you should only have to say it once

GothamProtector · 24/02/2020 08:42

Have you considered a home birth? You could stay home, do you have a friend who could occupy the kids in your home while you're in another room?

Original poster

Rosehip345 · 24/02/2020 09:37

Home birth is my top option but I’m still waiting on consultant to allow it.

I’m quite able to stick up for myself and tell her bluntly or to ask midwives to not let her in. But as you can probably tell our relationship is fairly volatile so I’d rather not. When DD1 was born I had to tell her to leave and get the midwives to not allow visitors, which worked but she then didn’t acknowledge DD until she was at least a year and a half, which was tough for the rest of the family (lovely for me though).
My in laws had them when No2/3 arrived but can’t cope with them all now.
My kids are unaware of any of this and have a good relationship with her, which I’d rather not jeopardise unless there’s absolutely no options.

OP posts:

5zeds · 24/02/2020 09:51

You are people pleasing and teaching your children to do the same. It’s not good.

Original poster

Rosehip345 · 24/02/2020 09:56

@5zeds What’s the alternative?

OP posts:

Drum2018 · 24/02/2020 10:02

Can you speak to your dad about it? If you confide in him would he just tell her anyway? If you told him how you feel, between the 2 of you could you convince her that she needs to stay home with your dad to mind the other 3 kids? Your dad could make out that he would prefer her to help him.

maslinpan · 24/02/2020 10:03

If you are capable of standing up to her when you absolutely have to, and I do get that you don't want to rock the boat, is it better to do it now, or wait until the stress and unpredictability of labour has started? You won't have time to plot alternative options later, but if you have the difficult conversation now at least you know what you are dealing with.

trevthecat · 24/02/2020 10:09

What about local childminders? They may be able to help. Where abouts are you? I'm in Lancashire and a registered childminder. If you are local I can help

Funtcase95 · 24/02/2020 10:28

I didn't tell anyone 🙂 I was 2 weeks early, waters went at home in bed so DH and I packed our bags, grabbed the dog and dropped him at MIL so she knew, but didn't tell my parents until I'd had her - it was lovely!

Gazelda · 24/02/2020 10:38

I agree with getting your a Dad onside. Tell him you don't want Mum there. Ask him to help you convince her to still look after the older children as the alternative would be getting SS involved and foster care. Surely that would convince him he needs to help your mum see sense?

FizzyGreenWater · 24/02/2020 10:40

This is bigger than the birth! OP, you have to find alternative childcare because if she knows you are in labour she will harrass you.

Sort it now - how far are your inlaws? Could they take 1-2 of the children and one go with someone else, a school friend? Most people are very willing to help in this kind of situation. Worst case scenario - you go into labour in the middle of the night and DH isn't there. Plan for that. Is there really not a friend who can help along with PIL? If really not, a local childminder - massive fees, but you could have an agreement that you can drop them off? Do you have quick births - the likelihood is that in real time, you'll have time to sort this out without a complete panic.

But in answer to this:

You are people pleasing and teaching your children to do the same. It’s not good.

What’s the alternative? - The alternative is to do exactly what you dismiss out of hand above, but is obvious to anyone else on this thread. You say you're able to stick up for yourself but you don't want to do it, as your relationship is 'fairly volatile' - so, code for she screams and gets her own way because you feel that's easier. Is it? You said her ignoring DD for the first 18 months was great. So what's the problem? Fuck her off. SHOW your kids that people who threaten, scream and bully don't get listened to. Tell her you absolutely won't have her there because last time, she made it really stressful and you hated it. If she wants to refuse to look after the kids, fine, you won't be seeing the new baby then.

A word of warning, people like this have an absolutely negative effect on the children around them. You think your kids have great relationship with her. They don't - thry watch her bullying and dismissing you and they're learning that you're smaller and weaker than the big powerful granny. It's very dangerous to let someone like this be close to your kids and have their ear, and their trust. You just wait until they're bigger and she can use them to needle you - 'Oh no you don't have to listen to stupid Mummy. Go out with your friends all night if you want to - I'll give you a key to our house and you can come to granny whenever you want.'

oldstripeyNEWname1 · 24/02/2020 10:59

What FizzyGreenWater said.

She's treating you like a child, because she thinks she knows what's best for you.

Fourth time around, I'd assume you know exactly what you do and don't want in labour, just as you've said you do on this thread.

Forget all the lies, ploys. Tell her now that you want and need to labour alone, or with only DH.

GothamProtector · 24/02/2020 11:06

She has a good relationship with your children because they've never crossed her. She will treat them how she treats you. She isn't a good grandmother.
You've said she'll screw you over in turn hurting them just to spite you.

5zeds · 24/02/2020 11:23

The alternative to people pleasing is doing the thing that is best without pandering. You shouldn’t be afraid of the consequences of perfectly reasonable requests.

My advice would be to get a babysitter in place. Don’t tell your Mum about it, just practice a few times before the big day. Then when you go into labour just use the babysitter. Show your children how to politely manage out, unpleasant people. Let them see it’s ok to put yourself first....because it REALLY is.

Original poster

Rosehip345 · 24/02/2020 12:21

@FizzyGreenWater
She doesn’t scream, shout and bully that would be a whole lot easier. She lies and manipulates and in my experience that’s much much worse.
You’re right about the kids relationship as they get older though, that does worry me. I didn’t believe it until she screwed me over.

Yes the 18mths was easier but it made the relationships with my other family members much more difficult. Now I have been able to limit contact so that it suits us. She has the kids once every three months ish.

I’ll talk to Dad but I know what’ll happen. He’ll agree to stop her coming in but on the day will cave and say he did try.
I’m also thinking of any friends that I can approach about it.

OP posts:

wibdib · 24/02/2020 16:48

Do you have funds for a doula to support you?

Would be a halfway house between no-one and your mum - more like having a midwife/medic around in that they know what is going on but not like having your mum or a friend there. If dh is there they can support you both but if not it’s someone who can support you and pretend that your dh is there so dm not needed and will also mean that you don’t have space for more people as most places limit the number of people with you.

If your dh isn’t there then the doula can lease with him to ensure that your Sm doesn’t have a chance to get involved and might even be able to help you get to hospital.

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