10.5 wks and want an abortion

[Maggie272]

please be kind
Will keep this short as possible...IVF pregnancy, bad reaction to all the hormones including anxiety and paranoia since August. Last week became worried that my prenatal vitamin had little iodine after I read that iodine deficiency can cause mental retardation. It's one worry after another and I'm exhausted. We had a happy life and I'm a shell of myself. Doc said my thyroid is fine and all bloods are fine but it's not enough reassurance. She said she's never seen iodine deficiency before. I'm a vegetarian so no fish and I don't eat dairy just some eggs and goats cheeae. My diet is otherwise so good. I thought I had everything covered for the baby.

My husband has a brain injury and I couldn't manage a child with mental retardation.

My doc had me see a psychiatrist who was trying to push antidepressants, saying my stress would harm the baby. Since he said that I haven't been able to get out of bed or go to work. I've harmed my baby...

In Ireland and can it get abortion up to 12weeks. What do I do. If I was happy and ok before will I be like that again after abortion? I'm so worn down and lost

Thanks for reading xxx

Nothing wrong with a vegetarian diet. My mum was vegetarian, I have been since birth and my kids are fine.
Your blood results would bring up any deficiency.
I think you would ruin your life if you chose an abortion now.

@Cucumbersalad thank u xx
My iron is fine too, blood count fine etc... I hope this is a good sign in terms of my other worries

@Besidesthepoint pls don't call me twisted

Sorry that's too far

Thanks everyone who responded kindly, I'm goi g to sign off xx

My DTs are ivf babies. Ivf put me through the wringer, and having a positive result and the resulting pregnancy made me crazy. I was desperately praying the babies would make it and survive, whilst at the same time googling abortions and detesting being pregnant.

Please, please keep pushing for mental health support. I tried and was seen and diagnosed as being traumatised by ivf and referred for counselling, but slipped through the cracks for further support. I wish I’d tried harder but didn’t, choosing to suffer on. With the benefit of hindsight I’ve no idea why I put myself through it when I could’ve been helped beforehand and enjoyed my pregnancy!

Please keep on going, anxiety and pre natal depression and the swirling hormones are all absolute fuckers. Keep on talking to anyone and everyone you feel comfortable talking to, and it’s absolutely fine to hate being pregnant (which is part of the reason I didn’t push on for help, I thought everyone loved pregnancy!).

By please keep on going I really mean keep on going if that is what you want. I’m pro choice, whatever you decide to do is up to you. But if you do want to continue with the pregnancy, keep on going!

Oh, I feel I’m really explaining what I mean badly. Hopefully you know what I mean...!

@Muchtootired you are love, thanks so much x
Take care xx

Maggie272 your baby sounds perfectly healthy. You're in a really difficult cycle because your anxiety is putting you off taking antidepressants but without them you're so irrationally anxious about the baby's health. It's pre-natal depression. I've had post-natal depression which is more common but the effect is similar. I thought the baby would be better off without me. Of course that was the depression telling me that and once the antidepressants kicked in I could recognise that. Please do try the medication. I was on sertraline through my last 2 pregnancies, it's absolutely fine and your mental health will thank you! You're doing a really great job. Loads of mum's don't take any vitamins, and most people's diet is much worse than yours. At the height of my worst morning sickness I survived on coke and biscuits for about 6 weeks! We all do what we can.

Hi Maggie, congratulations on your pregnancy, sounds like you are going through a really rough time!

I have OCD and during my pregnancy I thought constantly about having a termination because my thoughts were so out of control. I often contemplated suicide. I also have some mineral deficiencies and took anti depressants during the pregnancy.

Fast forward a couple of years and I have a child here before me who is the light of my life. When I look at this little one, I cannot even express how I feel, knowing that things were so, so bad and are now so, so good.

Whatever you choose, where you are right now, you are not alone, many of us have been there right beside you to.

Maggie, you have been very brave to seek help, and also to open up on here.... and that’s a great first step to getting better. If you had broken a leg, it wouldn’t fix over night. Fixing your mental health is no different and will take time. Please keep yourself safe. Please speak to whoever you feel you can confide in medical wise as soon as possible. I’m really pleased you have an appointment with obs in Tuesday. Sometimes people find it hard to articulate their difficulties when suddenly face to face with health professionals, so I’d recommend between now and then, writing down how you feel - or even show them this thread.

I wish you well in what sounds like a horrible journey. If you feel able, please keep us updated and don’t be afraid to reach out for help.

Hi op. Have you looked at different coping strategies? Medication is not the only route. Can you try counselling (and pay for it because of the tight deadline)? I just want to also say I personally hate pregnancy but the end goal is more important, so it is something I choice to go through as it has an end date and I get a baby at the end. I love all my children and hated their pregnancies and birth. They are separate things for me. What helped me the most was when I was able to separate pregnancy from the baby. What do you think will help you? People telling you the amount of women who get pregnant in horrendous circumstances and then don’t take good care of themselves but give birth to wonderful healthy babies? Or the amount of women who give birth during war and/ or famine periods and then yet produce healthy babies.
You do need help, I’m not sure comparing yourself to other people is very useful but it helps some people. You are doing your best with the information you have now. Hindsight is not very useful sometimes. Now you know what to avoid or add to improve your situation, start taking supplements now before you make your final decision and to the day of the abortion should you go for one. Just in case you change your mind you don’t want anything else to worry about. You have enough worries for now. Plant a tree or flowers, I love nature and speak to someone else in rl about this. It is a massive decision.

Ps I don’t struggle because of physical symptoms of pregnancy just mental struggles made worse by annoying pregnancy ones.

That's a great sign that your bloods look good. I'm not even a vegetarian but my iron is always very low. So looks like you have a very good diet. Please try not to worry. Your body will prioritise baby's needs anyway.

At the end of the day if you feel you dont want the baby, then pro choice. Do what you feel necessary, if the only reason for the abortion is your feeling crap then dont abort and be strong, get the help you need and deserve and carry on. It's so worth it. My sister had hyperemesis pregnant. Lost 4 stone. Couldn't eat a thing. Mentally drained and depressed. She went on to have more kids. Because through all that it was worth it. I uses to feel depressed. Now with a DD 6 months old. Yes I still have down days but she has give my life meaning. But of course. Only if you really want this baby. If you did then the rest you could deal with

No, I didn’t consider termination, but from reading other posts it doesn’t sound too uncommon in cases of severe anxiety.

I am going to sound like a real hypocrite now and I should have been clearer about this before.

Although I refused antidepressants during my pregnancy, I knew it was as a symptom of my anxiety. Objectively, I could see that you have to weigh up the benefits to you and your baby against any potential risks. I was also receiving therapy from a psychologist and support from a CPN, so I did have other tools to manage my anxiety.

Given that you haven’t got other therapeutic options right now and are at the point of being unable to get out of bed and considering termination of a much wanted baby, I think you think about how that weighs up against the tiny risks of a medication that has been recommended by a professional.

I am so sorry you are struggling through this.

Partly as a symptom of my anxiety, I should have said

Please, please take the antidepressants. That is the best thing you can do for your baby right now.

You would probably also benefit from CBT. Not by itself though, you need medication.

Please take the antidepressants for at least a week or two and then see how you feel about continuing the pregnancy or not.

Maggie,
I struggled through a miscarriage and 2 eptopic pregnancies and a tube removal desperate for a baby, as a result, it crippled me.
When l unexpectedly fell pregnant 3 months
later against all the odds, l expected to feel amazing but felt so depressed l couldn’t function, not least as l had wanted a baby so so badly.....
I wish someone had told me there was as such a thing as pre natal depression....
I felt like the whole world was grey and there was no point in anything and nothing was ever going to feel better..
I couldn’t work or see anyone... as the pregnancy progress l felt a tiny bit better but it was hard all the way through, BUT within an hour of my daughter being born l could actually feel the black cloud lifting from my mind, it was like a someone lifting a suffocating heavy unwanted blanket off me, my mind cleared within 24 hours and l almost felt myself again that fast.
Exactly the same thing happened with my
second pregnancy, l knew l had fallen pregnant before a test as l had the black cloud descending.
This time l acted fast, got a cleaner, dog walker, food delivery service and told DH l would be sleeping as much as possible to cope. It was slightly easier second time around as l ticked off the days on a calendar, which said ‘ This will go soon and you will have your life back’ on each page.
Today l am happily watching my beautiful DD play netball looking forward to an evening with her DH and DS watching movies together.
Many suffer Postnatal depression, l sailed through after they were born, felt mentally strong and happy. They have brought me more joy than anything else in the world, it is worth the pregnancy struggle a million times over.
Look ahead 10 years op how do you want your life to look?
Good luck, you can get through this and be fine again

@Maggie272 No I didn’t, I trusted the scans and hoped for the best.

You really need to take advice on this - it sounds like a persistent anxiety for you but no doctor has told you that there’s a genuine risk? Believe me, if it was a real likelihood they would have done.

Many of my friends were on antidepressants or anti anxiety meds and their children are unaffected. 5 out of 8 of my baby group suffered with anxiety. Their children are all fine and happy. It really does sound like the route you should go down.

Please get help and know that you will have friendly ears here all wishing you the best x

Please don't abort this baby OP - I remember you from other threads where you had previously had failed IVF transfers

Imagine how you would feel if you choose to abort a perfectly healthy baby and then go back to IVF only to find you are not successful again - that would harm your mental health much more than what you are going through at the moment x

Please take some time to think about this. I went through something like this about 4 years ago with my much much wanted ivf baby. I was so unhappy, scared and thinking a lot about abortion. I dont know why i felt like it, perhaps it was hormones or extreme fatigue. I have often thought it was a way to protect myself from the getting too attached. You wouldn't get such anxiety around vitamins if it an unwanted pregnancy. I think you want to isolate yourself for the pain if something went wrong, it can truly understand that.
The worst passed at around 12 weeks and I really started to love being pregnant. I never really relaxed but it got much better. She is here on my lap watching Frozen and better than I ever expected.
Please seek help from your doctor and midwife. Feel free to PM if you would like to talk through some difficult thoughts and emotions.

I said get help and consider your partner that shouldn,t make you feel worse. And No Mental retardation is not used. Learning disabilities, brain damage may be however. (But as has already been said there is no reason your child should have that compared to any other pregnancy)

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted wow it's so good to see you hon. How are you? Yes we had two losses, nothing has ever felt worse than the last six months.

@Emeeno1 @Dragongirl10 your stories are just like mine. Emeeno I never had OCD in my life, but that's what they said it is.

I know every says to find help - there is no more help, all I can do is find a private therapist. That psychiatrist was it, there are no maternity mental health services until April. I've tried three gps and ended up having to say I was suicidal in the hospital for them to admit me. @june2007 my husband has a brain injury, and yes comments like that do make me feel upset. Pls don't post again
@PerinatalAnxiety19 thank you, yes I can see my reaction to medication is a result of the anxiety. I will think more about, mostly I just want life to go back to the way it was.

Today is my lowest day. If anyone feels the need to call me twisted or anything like that pls don't post. Until you walk a while in someone else's shoes you have no idea. If you cannot bring any understanding pls don't post, and thanks to all of you who shared your stories and we're so kind xxx

@sweetheartyparty thanks for your lovely post, that's a relief to hear it passed at 12 weeks. I have to take hormones until week 14 but am going to ask if I can come off them earlier. Congratulations on your lovely family xx

I know what it’s like to just want to be able to step away from everything that’s going on in your own head. Be kind to yourself today. Comfort eat, watch something you enjoy on TV, try and get some sleep. Then perhaps tomorrow you will be able to think things through with a clearer head.

You have many people here supporting you.

@Maggie272
I'm ok - just gearing up for another egg collection next week (nr 2 of a 3 cycle package)

Perhaps the reality of actually being pregnant has just overwhelmed you? Sometimes the reality of something you have wanted so badly for so long is different to the fairytale you imagined it to be? Please hang in there - the reward of holding your baby in a few months will overcome all of this.
Lots of women don't take supplements in early pregnancy and have healthy babies - there is no reason to suggest that your baby won't be born perfectly healthy x