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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

He wants an abortion

103 replies

Delta8319 · 29/12/2019 22:46

I found out I am 6 weeks pregnant.... very unexpected...

I have been with my partner 10 years and he's always made it clear he didn't want more kids (has a child to a previous relationship)

However I came off my pill and was honest and told him...

Low and behold.. after 14 months I'm pregnant! I'm
So confused... I don't know what to do.... my husband is 100% clear he does not want this pregnancy to continue... I'm uncertain and emotional. I'm so scared this will be my one and only chance and if I don't do this now then in later life it will come back to haunt me with huge regret...

Advise please...... do I terminate and continue with my life or do I choose to continue and ultimately end up doing this alone..... 😔

OP posts:
Lalla525 · 30/12/2019 12:24

A woman is never wrong to come off invasive hormonal contraception especially when she makes it clear to her partner.

The woman in question was very wrong (50% of responsibility of a very wrong decision) of not arranging a form of contraception - if she wanted to come off the pill - after she agreed to marry into a childless marriage. Period.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 12:27

The woman in question was very wrong (50% of responsibility of a very wrong decision) of not arranging a form of contraception

The responsibility of contraception is that of the person who categorically doesn’t want children. He could have managed his own.

MumofTinies · 30/12/2019 12:28

The woman in question was very wrong (50% of responsibility of a very wrong decision) of not arranging a form of contraception - if she wanted to come off the pill - after she agreed to marry into a childless marriage. Period.

She told her husband she was coming off of the pill. He should have made other arrangements for contraception. Having unprotected sex with someone, knowing they are potentially broody, sends a pretty clear messege that they are willing to create a child with them does it not?

Lalla525 · 30/12/2019 12:34

Totally disagree. Contraception is a responsibility of both, when you agree not to have children. It is not the responsibility of only the party who does not want children. She AGREED not to have children. She was onboard with it and she married him knowing his 100% aversion. She was equally responsible for the contraception and she is equally responsible of the shit situation they are in. If I tell my husband I will stop contributing to the finances of the house, I'm an idiot, but my communication does not lift me of my 50% of responsibility.

Communicating you are off the pill does not take away responsibility from you. Responsibility is shared and communicating a method will not be used anymore means finding another method (which still remains the responsibility of both)

Fairenuff · 30/12/2019 12:37

You both knowingly and happily stopped using contraception.

You were both knowingly and happily trying to conceive.

Therefore you should both be thrilled with the positive result.

Congratulations.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 12:38

She was equally responsible for the contraception and she is equally responsible of the shit situation they are in

She had been solely responsible for contraception for 10 years. Time for the bloke to step up?

Why should she find another method. Why not him?

Because he wants a shag without a condom. Simple. He knew what could happen.

He might not want a kid, but he didn’t think to prevent one. Morally he now has no option but to support a child.

Lalla525 · 30/12/2019 12:47

@JacquesHammer please re-read my post

They both shared and share equal responsibility. Their joint decision was for her to take the pill. I'm assuming she was not force-fed the pill every day. It was a free decision.

Time for him to step up? Maybe. But that still does not lift any responsibility from her. "I've done it for 10 years so is your turn, buy condoms" is a perfectly valid conversation she should have had 14 months ago, when she communicated she was off the pill. He could have bought condoms without her prompt? Sure he could have, hence why he shares 50% of the responsibility.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 12:51

Lalla525

Oh dear. Lack of agreement doesn’t mean I didn’t read your post. I read it and disagree.

If a man isn’t capable of managing his own contraception when he categorically doesn’t want a child then it’s his look out. He continued to have unprotected sex. He can’t now complain that she’s pregnant.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 12:52

And as we’re doing percentages apparently. He has 0% say in whether the OP gets an abortion.

JustASmallTownCurl · 30/12/2019 13:04

I agree he gets 100% say in her choosing whether or not to terminate. I just think she also 100% chose to get pregnant with someone she knows didnt want a child, ever. He's been 100% stupid for not sorting alternative contraception.

It isn't mutually exclusive though, the fact remains that OP has chosen to have a child with someone she knows was extremely likely not to want to remain together or be pleased about the news.

It's the child I feel bad for because it's been brought into a situation that is now going to be tense and difficult to navigate between a mother who thankfully wants to be so and a father who didn't want the child.

Of course he was stupid not to organise contraception, ridiculously stupid. But the OP has made a very selfish active decision IMO.

It's done now though and I agree the choice is the OP's and hers alone. I just don't get the feigned surprise at either the pregnancy or his reaction to it.

JustASmallTownCurl · 30/12/2019 13:05

SHIT BAD TYPO - meant to say - SHE gets 100% say in choosing whether or not to terminate!

Lalla525 · 30/12/2019 13:05

@JacquesHammer

Agree he does not have a say in the abortion. If you read my previous replies this is exactly my stance.

Regarding If a man isn’t capable of managing his own contraception when he categorically doesn’t want a child then it’s his look out

I can only say that I disagree. These two people must have had a conversation about 10 years ago and they must have found themselves aligned in not having children (otherwise she really has poor judgement). So they BOTH did not want children. And they BOTH agreed to not have children. And they BOTH married on that understanding. Hence they are both equally responsible for children not to come. From the OP, it looks like she might have changed her mind 14 or so months ago. It was her duty to have a clear conversation about changing terms. Again communicating you stop the pill does not make you any less responsible of something you AGREED (and married into).

He is absolutely to blame, but he is not the one coming here saying "I had sex without contraception and now I am confused because I have an unexpected pregnancy". He is saying that the understanding was no children, they both decided to have no children, they both decided to stop contraception, they did not revise the children idea, hence an abortion is now the only option. God knows if he knows the OP has changed her mind in regards to have children. Indeed, It would all make sense if she was still aligned with him.

Scapegoatforlife · 30/12/2019 13:29

You both sounds stupid tbh

kenandbarbie · 30/12/2019 13:46

Keep the baby you want. If you have an abortion you'll end up hating him and split up anyway.

BecauseReasons · 30/12/2019 14:15

But the OP (original post/poster) has made a very selfish active decision IMO

More of a passive decision to stop preventing pregnancy, than an active one to conceive. Presuming she didn't go down the OPK route. He made the same passive decision, to not prevent a pregnancy. Which, given his stance on further procreation, was rather silly, but here we are.

Bluerussian · 30/12/2019 15:59

MumofTinies
Why was she wrong to come of the pill? She was on the pill for nearly a decade before that, with all the side effects that come with it. Her DP is the one who didn't want a baby, he had enough time to make other arrangements for contraception. Why should OP pump hormones into her body for another decade to ensure her husband gets his own way?
..........
I agree with that, I was on it for eight years and after having a child, didn't want to go back on it.

We don't know that other forms of contraception were not tried, the op hasn't come back to tell us. It's possible they tried a couple of methods but were maybe careless at times - often happens.

I hope she does return and tell us how things are going.

SonicVersusGynaephobia · 30/12/2019 19:53

You want a baby. You're pregnant. This is probably your only chance. Don't have an abortion.

If you do, you will regret not having the baby you conceived, and you will hate him for that, and your relationship will end anyway (then you'll have no DP, and no baby).

If you continue with the pregnancy, then he'll probably not be involved and you'll have to do it yourself. But that sounds preferable to the alternative of aborting and staying with him, hating him and hating yourself.

If he didn't want more children, he should have had a vasectomy or used condoms. It was his choice not to.

Continue the pregnancy, prepare to do it alone. He might come around and take responsibility for his careless ejaculating, or he might not.

If not, make sure you take steps to financially protect you and your child, and make sure he pays child maintenance.

nwort99 · 30/12/2019 21:28

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I think it's very understandable that this is a tricky situation and you weren't expecting it. I also came off hormonal contraception a few years back and I resent the idea that we have to take hormones if we want to prevent pregnancy. I'm so happy that I stopped taking them. Naturally our right to not take hormones brings with it challenges in contraception. I used other less effective methods for several years, and then now I'm pregnant after one slip-up. My partner and I were very new to each other and it wasn't ideal either. Different to your situation but I can empathise. I felt so shocked and scared, because it is such a huge thing, and you really don't know how you'll feel about it until it happens. You could tell yourself you'd have an abortion, but then once you're pregnant you couldn't do it. My partner also freaked out and wanted an abortion. I had to talk to him very compassionately and admit that I was sorry to put him in this situation, and I wished I could do what he wanted but the idea of termination felt barbaric. I also feared that if I had an abortion now, maybe I would struggle to conceive later and deeply regret it... I've had lots of friends who struggled to conceive.

Some of the comments on here have been very harsh in my opinion. I would like to say that it's absolutely okay for you to come off hormonal contraception. It's also okay to be pregnant and think you could abort but now not be able to. I think you need to take responsibility for the fact that your part in this has led to a very tough situation for your partner, and he may feel angry/betrayed/so on and that's also okay and you need to respect that. He may also be angry with himself. My partner said he wanted an abortion but still to stay together but I knew that if I did that I don't think I could have stayed with him, because a little part of me would have resented him. I think you might also feel the same... so you have to make the decision without expecting anything from him. Just respect his process and his feelings. If you choose to go ahead, and I hope you do, but do what feels right for you (not out of fear of losing him) - just be compassionate of his feelings and assure him you will try to do everything in the best way possible - you won't withhold access to the child, or hold things against him, etc. You can make decisions in a friendly and respectful way whether you continue as a partnership or as friends (and that depends on him too). I think you will get the best possible outcome if you honour your feelings, have a dialogue with him and really listen to him and acknowledge his feelings. It's very important that you acknowledge his feelings and try to understand how hard this must be for him and respect that, if you want to have a positive relationship in any sense going forward. Also try to really calmly explain how you feel about it so he can empathise and feel less angry/betrayed.

For me, I had to say I would have the baby alone, and I assured him he could choose his involvement and I was sorry for the situation, but now I was pregnant I just felt I didn't have any choice either but to keep it. My partner took several weeks to come to terms with my decision but now he is being supportive. I still have it in my mind that if I have to go it alone I will, but I want to always honour my partner as the father and what's best for the life blooming here... I think ultimately we can't expect too much and just respect each other's feelings even if they change along the way.

Big hugs and I hope you can get the best outcome. No matter what, don't feel guilty, you are human, and please make the decision that is right for you, that you will not regret. Big love.

OhMyDarling · 31/12/2019 00:03

She agreed to no babies when they married- however- she is completely within her rights to change her mind.
It is unreasonable to assume otherwise!

She told him she was coming off the pill. She told him- he knew.
She wanted a baby- he knew this also.

He did nothing to prevent pregnancy with his wife who he knew wanted a baby.
Now they are having a baby.

And I wish her the very very best.
She just needs to be prepared to do it alone.

SnoozyLou · 31/12/2019 01:07

I would keep it and take my chances with him. An abortion is rarely the "quick fix" people think it will be. Sure, for some people, it all goes away, but that's unlikely to be the situation where you've been coerced into terminating a pregnancy you very much want. You'll have to live with the physical and emotional consequences, him not so much.

I'm not sure how a relationship could recover from that. If he was adamant he didn't want children, it was on him to make sure you guys used contraception, not expecting you to take retrospective action. I'd tell him to get stuffed to be honest.

GoldfishRampage · 31/12/2019 06:49

^She agreed to no babies when they married- however- she is completely within her rights to change her mind.
It is unreasonable to assume otherwise!^

I agree and I don't see any posters who disagree.

The issue is that it was unfair on the child for the OP to purposefully get pregnant with someone who doesn't want a child. Life's hard enough! The poor kid will enter the world with estranged or fighting parents and a father who didn't want it.

The OP has every right to change her mind but she should have left the relationship and either found a sperm donor or another partner who wanted children.

Justasconfusedwithnumber2 · 31/12/2019 08:27

I don't think it's unreasonable to come off the pill, I was on it for over a decade and hated it. It was a huge relief to come off it. We were knowingly trying for a baby, but as soon as DC arrived I told my DH I wasn't going back on it and so we worked out the best option for both of us based on our circumstances. That's the fault here, the lack of responsibility on both parts. It pisses me off that the responsibility tends to (not always before i am flamed) sits with the woman. Why should women always take the shit that comes with hormonal intervention?? That said, in your shoes OP I would keep the baby, but as others have said, be prepared for the fact DH may leave you or blame you for this happening (which I don't agree with)

BecauseReasons · 31/12/2019 09:18

Let me rephrase that for you @GoldfishRampage

The issue is that it was unfair on the child for the OP to purposefully get pregnant with someone who doesn't want a child.

The issue is that it was irresponsible of the OP's DH to have unprotected sex with a woman while knowing he didn't want a child.

She should have left the relationship and either found a sperm donor or another partner who wanted children.

He should have started using condoms or abstaining from sex.

Why is it always the woman that's 'the issue'?

GoldfishRampage · 31/12/2019 11:33

BecauseReasons

I agree the woman shouldn't be solely responsible for contraception. I think everyone agrees with that.

However it's still unfair of the OP on her future to chose to have it with a guy who has repeatedly said he doesn't want a kid. It's unfair on the kid. It's not an accident that she got pregnant. She was thinking of herself not her child.

BecauseReasons · 31/12/2019 11:42

However it's still unfair of the OP (original post/poster) on her future to chose to have it with a guy who has repeatedly said he doesn't want a kid. It's unfair on the kid. It's not an accident that she got pregnant. She was thinking of herself not her child.

And he was thinking of his penis, not the child. Ultimately though, I think I'd rather exist with a disinterested father than not exist at all.

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